20. CHAPTER 20
“ J in?” I call from the front steps of the cabin with full arms.
In hindsight I should have stopped off at the shed first.
“Jin?” I try for a second time. But after another minute of no answer, I leave everything I don't need on the porch and let myself in.
The familiar warmth is like a hug, and there's a slight lingering of sourdough still in the air.
All the couch cushions are in a pile in front of the stove, and a book is on the coffee table. I wouldn’t have picked Jin as a romance fan, but then again, I didn’t realize a lot of things about him until last night.
There’s a nervous tension in my chest as my lips pinch into a tight smile. It would have been nice if he was here to greet me, but I’m not going to get mad about it. If the kid wants to have a shower while I'm not here, there's nothing I can do to stop him.
Heading straight for the kitchen, I dump my fishing bag in the sink then open the cumbersome cooler to let the mushrooms and flowers begin thawing.
Back outside, I take the small Douglas Fir I found and nail a thin wood round to its base.
It fits perfectly between the stove and the dining table. Just like I hoped it would.
I'm halfway through washing the pre-cleaned fish when the shower stops. Forgetting how to function, I stand stupidly at the sink with a frozen bass in my hands because my brain is playing a film of Jin drying himself behind my eyelids in real time.
So much of me wants to open the door and let myself in so I can tear the towel away from him, lift him, and pin him against the door. But I don’t know if that’s something he’d want. We both had so much to drink last night I'm not sure if everything I remember actually happened.
I barely slept, and it had nothing to do with the hardness of the cabin’s floor.
What we had done, and what we promised each other we wanted, felt so unreal. Not in a bad way, but not in a good one either. Because, no matter which way I look at it, the reality is, I have a lot more skin in the game.
The bathroom door opens behind me, and it takes all of my self control not to spin around.
But I play it cool, waiting for the door to close again before looking over my shoulder.
And when I do, I'm not met with a half naked and hot as hell Korean-American boy, like I'm expecting I will be.
Instead I get a fully clothed, hood up over his head, Jeon Jintae with the same emotionless face that plagued me so much when he first arrived.
“I got fish,” I tell him. “Three yellow trout, a bass, and a whitefish.”
All he does is stare.
The silence that stretches between us is so thick I can almost touch it.
I tell myself that if I didn’t have fish all over my hands that I’d hug him and carry him to the couch. But I’m not sure how true that is.
After what feels like an eternity, Jin walks away and I whip my head around to look over my other shoulder.
Picking up a plate with a sandwich on it, he marches back to me and throws it on the sink beside me. “I made this for you.”
“Ah, thanks—”
“When I woke up. When you were nowhere to be found.”
I wash my hands, turn to him, and lean against the counter. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Maybe I wanted to go fishing.”
“It took me two hours each way.”
“And?”
And what?
I push the cooler towards him. “I found a bunch of oyster mushrooms.”
He slaps his hand to his chest, and says, "Oh, Eden. Thank you sooo much. What would I ever do without you?”
“I’m not sure exactly what I’ve done wrong here.”
He hangs his head, and the sarcastic passion that just sparked within him, fizzles before my eyes. “Don’t worry about it.”
I grab his arm. “Don’t walk away from me.”
“You don’t get to leave me here alone all day then demand things of me.”
I pull him closer. “I was getting us food.”
He looks in the sink. “Where are the heads?”
“At the lake.”
“I could have made soup out of them. And you’d have known that if you’d taken me along.”
“How the hell am I the bad guy? I made you food, then spent all day finding more.”
Another pause stretches out, enveloping us.
I clench my jaw and fight against my hair-trigger instinct to make him hurt.
It was easier then; when I thought with my fists.
But now… now my heart rate is climbing in the way it always does when I know something bad is going to happen—like the wind before a storm.
Jin clears his throat softly and looks down at where my fingers are digging into his bicep. “Did you sleep in the loft?”
“What?”
He repeats, "Did you sleep in the loft?”
“My back hurt from sleeping on the floor.”
“Then why was I on the sofa?”
“Because I put you there, you ungrateful fuck.”
“When?”
“When I got up. There was no point in you staying down there on your own.”
“Why couldn’t you have woken me?”
“Because it was three-thirty in the fucking morning!” I yell down at him. “I did everything I could to not make any noise.”
“Why were you awake that early?”
“Because I couldn’t sleep.”
“Wh—”
“Because I’d come all over my best friend's little brother!” My anger is tangible, like humidity clinging to every last bit of the cabin. “And I liked it. I tasted his cum, and I liked that, too. So shoot me for needing some time to process what the fuck happened between us.”
“Do you regret it? Is that why you left all day?”
“If this is how you’re gonna act, maybe I do regret it. Maybe you’re too much work.”
I can see the rage simmering in his eyes, and I squeeze him even tighter because this is the shit that reels me in.
I need to see the fight in him.
“Fuck you.”
“You really do wanna be broken, don’t ya, you sick fuck?” I scoff.
“You stink like fish.”
I yank his hoodie off his head. “You smell like me.”
Jin’s top lip curls and he grabs onto my wrist. “I smell like you when you’re clean.”
“Do you think you’ll ever learn that no matter what you do you’ll never be strong enough?”
“Do you think you’ll ever learn not to be a neanderthal who throws his weight around?”
I let go of his arm, shake his hand off, then lean over him to rest my hand on the bench. “Why would I when you like it so much?”
His eyes quiver the tiniest amount, and I feel him exhale against my chin.
“You like to be scared, don’t you, Jin? It's why you put up with me for a month. There had to be some place better for you to go, but you stayed because you liked it.” This time it’s his breath that shakes as he tilts his face upwards so his lips are in line with mine.
“You’re turned on because you know I'm unpredictable. You might think you want soft, caring Eden, who'll wake you up with hugs and kisses. But we both know you’d be bored of that shit by next week. Because what I remember about last night, is that you lost your fucking mind the second my hand was back around your throat.”
“Fuck… You…”
“Not a fucking chance, little man. Because when I do, it won’t be because you asked me for it. It’ll be because I’m taking it.”
Jin moans, his eyes rolling as they flutter closed.
My nose slides over his cheek and I whisper in his ear, "Do you understand what I’m saying?”
His cheek rubs against mine as he nods.
“I need to hear you say it. Cause I won’t ask again.”
“Yes, Eden. I understand.”