24. CHAPTER 24
“ I thought you said they would be easy to find,” I mumble to myself as I struggle to walk through the soft, powdery snow.
“They are at the lake,” Eden mutters his reply with just as much irritation as I had.
I speak louder this time. “So why didn’t we go to the lake?”
“Because I’m trying to be nice. You’ve been whining since yesterday about those fucking flowers. And it’s too far to the damn lake.”
“Why didn’t we leave earlier then?”
“Because it snowed last night, you dumb fuck. I had a lot of shit to get through this morning—which I didn’t finish by the way. So I’d appreciate it if you’d keep your mouth shut and enjoy your time out of the cabin.”
I pull a face behind Eden’s back when he turns around. You’re not making it very enjoyable. “Where exactly am I meant to be looking?”
“Are you serious?”
I look at him with wide eyes that say; I didn’t ask for no reason.
“Where the fuck do you think they’d grow?”
“It’s not like I’ve ever noticed flowers growing in the snow.”
“Yeah, well… Neither had I until the other day.”
“Do you think we should just go back then?”
“What the fuck is your problem?” The rage in Eden’s eyes as he walks back towards me is far too reminiscent of when I first arrived, and with his final step, he pushes me into the snow.
“Why the hell do I even bother with you? It doesn’t matter what I do, you always find something to complain about! ”
Shocked by his sudden outburst, it takes me several seconds to get my composure back before standing up. “I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.”
“You haven’t stopped complaining since we left the cabin.”
That’s because I didn’t want to leave the cabin .
It’s Christmas Eve, and all I’ve wanted to do all day is have Eden by my side, huddled together on the couch watching corny holiday movies.
Since the night on the stairs he’s refused to do anything but kiss me, no matter how hard I beg.
He’ll disappear for hours on end then lock himself up in the shed and forbid me from entering.
So when he suddenly suggested we go looking for new flowers for the tree, I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the idea, but I was willing to take any chance just to get near him again.
The thought had crossed my mind that perhaps a change in scenery would spark some deeper desire in him.
Something more primal. Something much, much more forceful than the sprinkles of affection I’ve been living off of.
I mean, they are hot and all, but it's hard to go from oily fingers in your ass to just making out. At this point I’d give up food for days just to taste him.
To finally know what the weight of him feels like in my mouth.
“All I wanted to do was spend time with you.”
“Fuck you!” he yells in my face and pushes me so hard in the chest he knocks the wind straight out of me as I fall completely flat in the snow.
“This isn’t a romantic vacation. There are a lot of pieces that have to keep working together to keep life going like it has been.
And I’m the one who's doing it all. You sit on your ass most of the day with your face in a damn book. Then when I come in at night, I’m met with a sour look if I don’t acknowledge you within the first ten seconds. ”
It’s taking everything for me not to cry because why can’t we ever seem to move on from here?
“Look at me!” he yells again, but I just keep staring up at the tree tops and the blue sky and clouds that are peeking through. “Fucking look at me, you little prick!” Eden’s hands are on Tek’s jacket and he’s pulling me out of the snow to dangle in front of him.
My insides are aching, but my face is blank, and my eyes aren’t focused on anything.
He slams me up against a tree. “Goddamnit, Jin. Look at me!”
“I’m sorry,” I say, but I’m not sure if it’s an apology to Eden, or myself.
He slides me to the ground.
“Why won’t you look at me?” His voice is much softer now.
I push his arms off of me, and when he doesn’t try to stop me, I lock eyes with him, only to close them a split second later and walk away. “I’ll leave you alone.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he calls out to me.
I keep walking back towards the cabin, hoping he’ll let me go without any more pushing and shoving. I miss him being physical. But not like that. And I won’t put up with it any more than I’ll put up with being anyone’s liability.
“Get back here, Jintae.”
With my sights set on the smoke rising from the cabin’s chimney, I keep moving forward.
I can hear Eden behind me the whole way back, but he never gets closer.
He never says another word.
With the ill-fitting snowshoes off, I let myself in and begin gathering my stuff. After taking my spare clothes off the drying rack, I shove them in my duffle. Then with my toothbrush and Brave New World safely inside, I’m straight back out the door.
On the porch, I’m met by Eden’s giant form blocking the screen exit. “What are you doing?”
“Getting out of your hair,” I speak down to his boots, then push past him.
He lets me go, I’m assuming in an attempt to call my bluff. But when he realizes I’m serious, he runs to block me from the shack.
“Get out of my way, Eden.”
“Get back in the cabin.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
Still looking down, I shake my head.
The fingers of his right hand squeeze my cheeks so tightly his short nails start to dig in.
My chin trembles, and the first tear falls.
With a frustrated grunt, Eden tears his hand away and pounds it on the front of the shack behind him.
“I won’t let you treat me like this anymore. I put up with it for too long in the beginning, and now you think you can push me around whenever you feel like it.”
I see him raise his fist just like he had the day he first threw me in the shack. When he left me there to rot. When he swore up and down that I meant nothing to him.
I squeeze my eyes tight and wait for impact.
A loud crack echoes around me, but when I don’t feel a thing, I open my eyes to see Eden’s fist against a newly cracked wooden board beside the shack's door.
His shoulders rise and fall with the deepness of his fury.
My jaw clenches tight.
I won’t ask him if he’s hurt.
“I know you work hard, but I don’t sit on my ass all day.”
He draws his fist back, and when he swings again, he breaks the board completely.
His forehead falls to the door followed by his hand hanging loosely by his side. His knuckles are busted. Blood is dripping down his fingers to the snow, and I can see splinters in his skin.
“I cook. I clean. I do everything you don’t. I have dinner prepared and waiting, just sitting there for when you finally decide to come back in. So is it really too much to ask that I get a smile to match the one I have for you?”
“I’m sorry.” He sounds as defeated as I am.
“I thought we were a team. I thought we were working well together.”
Eden turns to face me but remains slumped against the door. “We were.”
“So you agree that we aren’t now?”
“I don’t know what the fuck I agree with.”
“That’s all I need to know,” I tell him, and try to push him aside.
“You’re not going in there.”
“You can’t stop me.”
“Get back in the cabin.”
“I won’t be anyone’s burden. You wouldn’t have said what you did before if you didn’t believe I’m getting more than I deserve. So let me stay in here again so you don’t have to go through everyday festering about how unfair it all is.”
“Get the fuck back.” His voice raises and he shoves me when I try to get past. It’s not hard, but it’s too much.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I scream and slap him as hard as I can.
He whispers, "I didn’t deserve that,” and slowly raises his eyes to look at me.
“I didn’t deserve any of the times you hit me.”
“I know.”
“So why did you do it then?”
“I don’t know.”
“Fuck you, Eden van der Hart. All the way to the fucking moon.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“Why not? You’ve made me feel worse this past week than all the times you hit me combined.”
He straightens out. “Why?”
“You’re kidding, right?” He reaches for my upper arm, but I step back. “You kiss me. We jerk off together. You finger me. Then, for the past five days you’ve practically ignored my existence.”
He steps to me. “No I haven’t.” And the look of confusion on his face baffles me.
“Seriously? You told me that you need to deny yourself to see if you really want me.”
“Exactly.” He steps even closer, and stares down at me like I’m the one in the wrong.
“So you’ve already made up your mind, then?”
“Yeah.”
“And that’s why you’ve been denying me for five days? You’re too chicken shit to just tell me you’re not interested because it’s easier than having to live with me afterwards.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No,” he repeats, and throws me over his shoulder.
“What the hell are you doing? Put me down!” I kick and scream while pounding my fists against his back. But no matter how hard I fight, I’ve never been able to get away from him, so why would this time be any different?
Inside the cabin, Eden slams the door shut with his foot and stands me by the coffee table. Grabbing me firmly by my shoulders he tells me, "Stay.”
“Screw you!”
He tears my duffle bag away from me and throws it across the room. “Stay!”
My lips thin and my nostrils flare. “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Stay, or so help me I’ll tie you to the fucking stairs.”
Crossing my arms like a contemptuous child, I remain in place as he backs away from me and to the cabin door. But the second he’s out of it, I run to the bathroom and lock myself inside.
“Jeon Jintae!” I hear him scream from outside, and my heart pounds so fast I grab my chest.
I hear him throwing things, the shack door slamming, the screen creaking, and something heavy being dropped.
Then silence.
I creep to the bathroom door and press my ear against it.
The crackle of the fire has been present for so long I don’t even hear it anymore.
The only thing I do hear is the screen door swing which means he hasn’t shut it.
I back up until I feel the sink. Then there’s a pounding behind me as the window rattles.