CHAPTER 40
My father’s discontent, Jin’s pleading, and Eden’s deafening silence all mix with the incidental clanging and chattering of the cafe around us until they’re rising and crashing over me like rough waves, over and over and over.
My mothers fingers strangle the glass of her ice tea, her other hand twisting the already mangled straw into a tighter curl.
Her back is straight as a board and she’s almost shaking with the level of restraint she’s achieving, but I know inside she’s a damn tornado.
And my father's typical stoicism has been replaced by an intensity I haven’t seen in years.
His eyes are like daggers, his tongue just as deadly as he speaks for both of them—my mother not having said a word since the four of us joined them.
“Three months,” my father’s voice rumbles. “Three months Jin was with you and you said nothing.”
Eden doesn’t flinch. He just remains staring downward with a measured gap between him and Jintae in the chair beside him.
“I begged him not to tell you,” Jin speaks up.
My father’s nostrils flare. “I wasn’t talking to you.”
“But the way you talk to Eden affects me.”
“I’m sorry.” Eden’s first words. “I never meant to make you worry. But I still believe Jin needed the—”
“I don’t care what you believe. How can you be the age you are and be so damn stupid? You made us question if he was dead or alive. The right thing to do would have been to let us know.”
“Jin’s an adult.”
“He should have been at home with us.”
Eden swivels in his seat, looking directly at my father for the first time. “Except he wouldn’t have been at home. If he hadn’t run away, he would have still been in college getting himself into debt for a career he never wanted.”
Carey’s foot taps mine beneath the table but it only serves to make the space between us feel impossibly vast. He’s close enough to touch. His hand is right there, playing with a napkin on the wooden table top.
“After everything we did for you. All the times you ate at our table. All the nights you slept under our roof. We treat you like a son. Cared for you like our own.”
“I’m sorry you feel betrayed, but I love your son. It wasn’t planned.”
“He didn’t want me there.” Jin quickly shifts forward, his fisted hands pounding the table. “How many times do I need to tell you it was my idea?”
“You’re nineteen. You don’t know what you want.”
Jin scoffs. “And that’s exactly why I left in the first place. You and Omma never listened to me.”
“And I’m supposed to believe that—”
“I don’t care what you believe, Appa. But I want you to hear that being with Eden is my choice.”
My father’s face falls solemn. He stares my mother in the eye and the rest of us may as well not be there.
I feel a warm pressure against my knee as Carey presses his leg against mine. Our eyes meet, his lips pull into the tiniest smile, and to me it sounds like he's shouting; I’m here with you. You’ll know when the time is right.
When I look away, my mother is watching me. Her eyes move from my face to Carey’s and back again.
The knot in my stomach lurches.
With a curt exhale, my mother puts down her drink but remains silent, her fingers now perfectly still around the glass.
“We can’t accept this,” my father says, and Jin’s chair scuffs as he jerks forward until his weight is on his forearms.
“Spare me. Just admit you’re ashamed to have a gay son.”
“This isn’t about being gay. It’s about trust. About family. About what’s best for you.”
And there it is, the real reason behind all the talk of trust and betrayal.
I really don’t think my father cares that Jintae is gay, what bothers him is that he’s with Eden specifically. Eden who’s covered in tattoos. Eden who didn’t go to college. Eden the womanizer. Eden the reputation.
Eden… who’s too much like me.
The realization settles heavy in my gut.
My fingers twitch, desperate for Carey’s hand.
“Being with Eden is what’s best for me.” Jin’s voice raises, and my mother’s eyes dart nervously around the cafe.
My father’s hands flatten against the tabletop. “This isn’t up for further discussion. Eden, you’re thirty-three, and Jintae’s not even twenty yet. I can’t accept you two together. As long as this continues, Eden is not welcome in our house.”
Not welcome in our house…
The words ring in my skull.
They’re all too familiar. But the difference is, back when they were directed at me, I did walk away.
I built my own roof, my own business, my own life.
And the cost was silence for months on end and years of strained holiday dinners, careful conversations, and conceding to the whims of my mother.
I don’t want that for Jin, and I sure as hell don’t want it for myself any longer.
“Family doesn’t make people choose between love and belonging,” I say, and I feel five sets of eyes fall on me at once.
My father leans towards me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Carey’s leg presses harder against mine.
“It means that if Eden's not welcome, then neither am I."
"Excuse me?" He leans even closer
"I said.” I look at my father straight on. “If Eden's not welcome in your home, then I'm not welcome either."
“Now’s not the time for rebellion,” my mother speaks for the first time.
“This isn’t a rebellion, but it’s a long time coming.”
“How are you okay with this?” My father’s expression is pleading with me, and whilst I do sympathise with where he’s coming from as a parent, parents don’t always know best. Or see what’s been right under their noses the entire time.
“I trust Eden’s intentions. I trust that he loves Jin. But I’m not talking about them. I honestly don't know how the pair of you haven't figured it out yet.” I gesture to my mother. “Either you're too deep in denial, or I'm so far off your radar that you never actually see me."
My mother’s face creases. “Don’t be absurd."
I swivel to face her. “You’re the absurd one. You don’t see, and you definitely don’t listen.”
She dismisses me with a flick of her hand.
"I'm the one you've been asking Carey questions about since Christmas. I'm his boyfriend."
My mother abruptly stands and Jin's hand shoots out to grab hold of her. "Sit down," he hisses, tugging her back into her seat. "If you wanna see either of your sons again, you'll shut up, and you'll listen."
"Don't talk to your mother like that."
His head whips to my father. "Then I'll talk to you like it."
"This is who we are," I say softly, staring down at my empty palms. "We're not going to change. And I… I don't understand why parents wouldn't want their children to be loved."
Like a fucking superhero, Carey reaches for my hand. “I love you, and nothing’s gonna change that.”
“I love you, too,” I say, confidence bubbling in my chest.
Carey’s hand tightens around mine, and I feel him tremble slightly. When I glance at him, his eyes are bright, and his smile—that crooked, mischievous smile that used to get so deep under my skin—is as wide as I’ve ever seen it.
“How could you do this?” my mother asks, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. “In one day, both of my sons come out to me.”
“Oh, I’m not coming out. Because who I love, and who loves me, should make no fucking difference. If I’m happy, healthy, safe, and treated like a king, then nothing else should matter. And that’s exactly what our relationship is like, from both sides.”
“The way you welcomed me into your home has meant so much to me,” Carey tells my mother, his free hand moving toward her. But she ignores him, keeping her hands locked around that empty ice tea glass.
“I had a feeling,” my father says softly.
My mother fumbles with the glass, knocking it over, the ice cubes scattering.
“I noticed how they looked at each other. How they made each other smile.” Appa’s eyes rise to meet mine, and for the first time in my life, it feels like he’s actually seeing me.
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” my mother questions.
“Because it was nice to see him happy… For years I watched him walk around with a heaviness weighing him down. We didn’t do right by him, Minjee.” He reaches for my forearm and squeezes it. “We should have been there for you. I should have told you how proud I was.”
I almost crumble at my father’s words.
On my next breath, my throat tightens, and when I cough, a tear rolls down my cheek.
“Proud?’ I tremble as I try to remain composed. “You’ve never…”
“I know. And that’s my failure, not yours.”
"Then you—" My hand leaves Carey's to wipe away another tear. "Then you accept us?"
My father looks at Carey, then to Jin, before ending on my mother.
The cafe continues to clatter around us as an entire conversation takes place within their stare.
Eventually, my mother breaks away, and looks off sternly to the side.
My father takes back his hand. "I want my sons to be happy."
"Omma?"
She turns further away, and I shake my head.
"What bullshit!" Jin jeers. "You're gonna be that stubborn?"
"It's fine," I say, and mean it, because I've already got everything I need. She'll get over it, or she won't, but whatever the outcome, I'm still going to fall asleep every night knowing that Carey is mine.
"Let's go." I smile at Carey and jerk my head towards the exit.
He nods, and makes a point of saying goodbye to my mother, but he gets nothing in return.
"I'll talk to you soon," I tell Eden and Jin, then look at my father a final time. "I know it's coming from a place of love, but Jin's an adult. And you need to start treating him like one or you might lose him altogether."
As soon as the cafe door closes behind us, Carey doesn't allow me to take another step before both his arms are wrapping around me.
"I love you so much," he whispers in my ear. "You're my family. You make me complete. You're the exact thing I was searching the whole world for."