From Liberty Vega
Liberty Vega
OM Fucking G, Dani,
Girl, I haven’t written a letter since fourth grade in Ms. Ruddell’s class.
Remember when we got those pen pals? I had to actually leave my comfortable apartment and buy a stamp.
But luckily they have stamped envelopes now.
I got a couple for later, but as you can see, this letter is coming in a box because there is a surprise. But later for that.
Okay. First of all. BEBE. ACTUALLY. INVITED. YOU. TO. HER. WEDDING. TO. FUCKFACE!
Like what the actual, D? What in the delusional Disney villain nonsense is that?
Did that skank actually think you’d for real go to her janky wedding?
Like, yes, please, let me celebrate the union of my lying, cheating, community dick of an ex-boyfriend to my equally lying, cheating, social-climbing cousin.
Are they going to let you give a toast, too?
Something heartfelt, like: “Wow, Bebe, thanks for taking out my months-old trash. I was tired of him sticking around after I tossed him out. I hope this one doesn’t disappoint you in bed like he did me! ”
Honestly, the joke is on her, because Matt is broke like a joke. Has a big dick but doesn’t know what to do with it. And not a brain cell in his head to have an original thought.
So, in summary, Bebe finally won, but all she got was an empty wallet, a disappointing sex life, and a man who’ll cheat on her the minute he finds someone new who’s dumb enough to trust him. She’s going to get everything coming her way.
Anyway, you’re a genius for taking a break from all this nonsense. My parents sold their cabin on the observatory when I was in college. But I remember our summers out there looking up at the stars.
Sometimes I miss all those natural twinkling lights, but I’m a city girl through and through.
I also couldn’t handle all that silence.
I’d much rather be around to watch our hometown’s worst power couple exchange vows while your mom and aunt have a passive-aggressive showdown in the middle of the reception.
You best believe I RSVP’d for a front row seat in that shitshow.
I would live text you if you turn your phone on.
Wait, did you even bring your phone with you?
D, please don’t go frontier girl. You can disconnect, but don’t disappear from society.
I don’t mind sending you letters. Did I tell you the guy at the post office was cute? I may or may not have flirted, and I may or may not now need a reason to send more mail. So if you get random postcards of farm animals, just go with it.
Now on to the reason for the package. Since you’re out in the middle of nowhere, I’m also including a little care package. Inside, you’ll find:
· Chocolate because I love you
· A battery-operated boyfriend (because let’s be honest, you’re not finding love at an observatory)
· Extra batteries because I’m the best
Have fun tonight. You’re welcome for the orgasms. Stay strong, stay sexy, and whatever you do—DO NOT RSVP TO THAT WEDDING.
Love you loads,
—Lib