Chapter Thirty-One
The whole ceremony and reception will take place on the beach. I sit on the bride’s side alone, saving the seat next to me for Henry. I’m not sure he’ll even show after last night.
The rest of the rehearsal dinner was as smooth as it could be. Henry was charming, I didn’t make a fool of myself, no one got angry and threw mashed potatoes at each other. There were no more tears.
But memories of Henry’s face, the pity in his eyes when we parted ways, invaded my dreams all night.
He thinks I want to be this miserable? Why would anyone want this? Why would anyone want to feel like everything you do, everything you say, causes pain? Why would anyone want to be the cause of so much suffering?
If I could forgive myself, I really would have by now. But Sam will never be around to forgive me.
Of course I don’t want this.
My pineapple-yellow dress sticks out in a sea of pinks and blues. I wish I had brought something a little less loud, but when I packed my suitcase I was hopped up on Henry hormones and must’ve wanted to stand out. Now I want to disappear.
I’m bouncing my knee up and down so violently that I’m tunneling a hole in the sand at my feet. It’s five minutes until the ceremony and Henry’s still not here. Maybe it’s best if he doesn’t show. We’ve already made such a mess, him blowing our cover, me blowing my lid.
I use the wedding program as a fan, because it’s hot and also because I need to get these jitters out of my body.
A wave of spearmint and sugar wafts in on the breeze when he finally takes a seat next to me.
“Sorry I’m late,” he says as he settles in, wearing khaki pants and a pale blue button-up.
“It’s fine,” I say, handing him a program.
For the first time since maybe the night we met, I’m at a loss for what to say. It feels like we’re on different sides of the subway platform, only catching glimpses of each other through breaks in the rushing trains.
“Henry…” I say.
“Yeah?” He looks at me like I’m a stranger, not someone he loves. Loved.
“I—”
The sound of ukulele music and Israel Kamakawiwo‘ole’s voice singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” cuts me off. I honestly don’t know what I was going to say anyway.
Theo takes his place at the altar, the ocean as his backdrop. His parents are next, meeting him up front and kissing him on both cheeks before taking their seats in the front row. Everyone in the bridal party is wearing warm taupe with pops of bright orange in the floral bouquets.
We all stand when Andy arrives. She links arms with both her parents.
Breezy fabric drips off her body and flows in the wind like a jellyfish. Her hair is swept off her shoulders and pinned in place with a bright orange tiger lily. A tiny patch of blue is stitched into the back of her dress. Sam’s jersey.
When it’s time to exchange vows, Theo goes first. He says he loved Andy from the minute he saw her. He promises to support her dreams and make her life as full of adventure as possible. He wishes to stay by her side in sickness and health and, while he is not a perfect man, he wishes to be perfect for her.
Andy clears her throat. Her turn.
“Theodore, my love, my favorite person on the planet.” Her hands shake. He takes them into his. “When I met you, I was grieving the loss of my brother, Sam.”
My breathing gets more ragged. My throat tightens. Henry puts his hand on my knee. This is the hardest part, and despite our distance, he knows I need him.
“My entire world shattered. I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces.” Andy takes a moment to get through the tears. Theo waits for her patiently. “And then…I met you. You didn’t pressure me to heal, you didn’t tell me to get over it, you didn’t try to fix me. You just sat with me in my pain and allowed room for me to put myself back together.”
My eyes sting. Henry squeezes my knee.
“I remember there was this day back when we first met when I was having a tough time. I drank, what was it, half a bottle of Bordeaux while you were at work?”
Theo laughs. “More than half.”
The crowd murmurs in laughter. “You came home and you said, ‘Baby, if you’re drinking, I’m drinking.’ And you put the bottle right to your lips and took a swig. The wine exploded all over your face and I started laughing so hard. And then you started laughing. We laughed until our stomachs hurt, me covered in tears, you covered in wine. I have loved you every day, more and more, ever since. You are my true north, my compass, my light in the dark, and I’m so happy I get to marry you today. I know Sam is looking down on us, and even though it breaks my heart that you’ll never meet, I know he approves.”
I tense every muscle in my body to keep from crying. A sniffle from Mrs. Chase prompts me to shift in my seat. Henry’s hand falls from my knee.
Andy and Theo look at each other with googly eyes as they each slide a gold band around the other’s finger. They giddily say, “I do,” when it’s time.
Everyone stands and claps for the bride and groom, who float back down the aisle to a string version of “Another One Bites the Dust.” Mr. and Mrs. Chase, and Theo’s parents, walk arm in arm with each other like a united front.
Henry and I trail the other wedding guests toward the beach reception. We are handed bright orange Aperol spritzes when we check our table number. Leave it to Andy to pick a wedding cocktail that perfectly matches her color scheme. The sun setting over the ocean creates a juicy orange sunset that ripples out over the horizon. That’s one thing Andy couldn’t have arranged for. It had to be Sam.
We take our seats at a table with some of Andy’s high school friends, still not talking.
“Testing, testing, one two three—” Alonzo taps the mic by the head table. “Introducing the couple of the century, Theodore Brightwood and Alexandra Chase!”
The bride and groom come rushing onto the dance floor, and the bridal party showers them in orange flower petals. When the applause from the crowd dies down, they fall into a gentle sway as they dance their first dance to “The Way You Look Tonight.” It’s hard not to look at Henry, to remember the way he whistled this very song on the way home from seeing Fred get adopted.
The waiter puts a plate of chicken down in front of me and steak in front of Henry. I push the potatoes around on the plate and pretend to have an appetite as Alonzo makes a speech. Henry won’t look at me.
By the time the DJ picks up the pace with “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire, Henry and I are the only two not dancing.
The sky is inky now and the dance floor is lit with paper lanterns and candles. The breeze kicks in, sending prickles down my arms.
The DJ plays the first slow song of the evening: “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes.
Henry stands up and offers me his hand.
“Dance with me.”
“You want to dance?”
He nods. “Yes.”
“With me?”
“Yes.” He stretches his hand out. “They won’t think anything of it. Friends dance.”
He leads me to the dance floor, my bare feet cold against the tile. We snake our way through swaying couples who seem to be in rhythm with each other, back and forth, back and forth. Henry stops in the middle, glancing over his shoulder at Mr. and Mrs. Chase, who are cradled in an embrace, paying us no attention. When he looks back, he takes my hand, pressing it to his chest, and wraps his other arm around my shoulders.
“So…” he says as we rock back and forth.
“So.” I glance over his shoulder to see Andy wrapped in Theo’s arms, her head resting on his shoulder as they dance.
“I…uh…” He swallows. He still won’t look at me. “I’m leaving tonight.”
I tighten my grip on his hand, pausing our dance. “I thought you might,” I say.
“Yeah.” He twists his mouth. “I wanted to get through the wedding, but…”
“It’s pretty much over now,” I say.
He sucks in a breath and blows it out his lips. “I know there’s always going to be a piece of you that’s Sam’s,” he says. “And that’s okay. He’s a part of you…but all I wanted to know was that there was a possibility of a future for us too. That you could at least try.”
“I was trying,” I say, my nose stinging.
He nods, closing his eyes. “I know,” he says. “I know you think that.”
This is so unfair. I wish I could do this. I wish I wasn’t broken. I wish I was the kind of person who never knew grief. Who only knew love. But I’m not. I’m just not.
It’s not fair to Henry to trap him here with me in a messed-up relationship with a messed-up person. Even if I do like him as much as a human possibly could.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “When do you have to go?” I ask.
“The plane leaves at eleven thirty, so…” He pulls me in, tucking my head under his chin. “After this song.”
I’m wrapped up in Henry for the last time, I know it.
When I pull away to look at him, his expression is sunken, his sadness cloaked by the night sky. “So this is it?”
He brushes a strand of hair out of my face and doesn’t say a word.
I nod, swaying back and forth to the song. “Okay,” I whisper. And it feels so definite.
He pulls me tightly to his chest and we stay there for the next minute and a half, until the guitar stops, until the song changes tune.
He kisses me on my temple and whispers a short goodbye before heading to our table to grab his things. I watch him walk along the shore back to the hotel. I follow his path until he shrinks to the size of an ant.
I stand alone, barefoot on the dance floor, surrounded by people singing to Whitney Houston, watching my favorite person walk away.
The rest of the night moves in slow motion around me. The lights look dimmer, the cocktails taste bitter, the ocean seems less beautiful. The sounds of the wedding are muffled as I go through the motions of small talk. I walk barefoot into my hotel room. As soon as the door slams behind me I collapse into the bed, burying my face in my pillow, trying to bite back my emotions.
It’s for the best , I think. It’s for the best. It’s for the best. It’s for the best.
As if saying it over and over again will make it true.