Chapter 4
FOUR
I’ve lived with my Gram for as long as I can remember.
I never met my parents, and when I asked Gram about them, she always said: “I’ll tell you when you’re older.
” I loved Gram to death, but I still wondered if I would ever get to know more about them.
She only told me they weren’t dead, but gave no other details about where they might be.
“Honey boy, can you come here, please?” Gram yelled from the kitchen.
My room was next to the kitchen, so I arrived quickly. I wasn’t expecting the baking catastrophe I walked in on, though.
“What blew up in here?” I asked, eyes wide, scanning the covered countertops
“Oh, nothing. I’m trying a new snickerdoodle recipe I want you to try.”
I smiled widely, reflecting on my earliest memory.
When I was three, Gram let me help her bake for the first time, and we made snickerdoodle cookies.
Ever since, she has made a different recipe, trying to replicate the original ones we made when I was little.
We still haven’t been able to make them quite the same.
To be fair, we have always measured with our hearts.
“Have you tried one yet?” I asked expectantly as I reached for a cookie.
“I took a bite.” She grinned. “I think these might be as close as I’ve ever been.”
I bit into the cookie, and it was the perfect combination of soft and chewy, with a subtle crisp around the edges.
The blend of sweet and spice melted in my mouth.
The sensations took me back to the first time we made them, Gram and I laughing in the kitchen.
There was another person who materialized in the memory that I didn’t remember before today.
“These are exactly how I remember them, Gram.” I paused. “Has anyone else ever made these cookies with us?”
I saw Gram’s face go pale, and her bright smile turned into a frown as she quickly looked away from me. “What makes you ask that?”
“The cookies are so good that a memory popped into my head, and I pictured someone sitting at the table while we were laughing in the kitchen. I don’t remember them being there before in my memories.” I watched as her expression changed, her eyes shifted to the ground, and she wouldn’t look at me.
“I should have been more honest with you sooner, but I think the thought of you growing up makes me a little sad,” she finally said. “Your mom was here when we first started baking cookies, honey boy.”
I thought my parents had given me up as a baby. “What do you mean? I knew her? She was here when I was a toddler? What happened? Did she just leave one day? Was she visiting? Was that the only time?” I rambled off my questions.
“Slow down, honey boy,” she said, walking toward me. “I’ll pour us some milk, and we can talk at the table.”
I moved toward the table without even thinking about it. I had always thought that my parents never knew me, so they didn’t necessarily abandon me; rather, they made sure I was taken care of.
“Your mom lived here with us until you were around three. You may not fully understand right now, and I promise I’ll give you more details when you’re older.
She had issues with…keeping herself well enough to take care of you.
She tried many times, but eventually she had to find a way to take care of herself before she could think about taking care of you. ”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My mom was here with me for at least the first three years of my life. “What happened? When did she leave for good?” I asked hesitantly. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, but I had a feeling I needed to know.
Her eyes grew glassy as she continued. “You were almost four when she left. She has called a couple of times throughout the years, but it’s always from a new number, and she never stayed on the phone long enough for me to ask where she was.
I haven’t heard from her since your last birthday. ” She sniffled, trying not to cry.
“What about my dad?”
“I never met him, but when your mom moved in, she said she was leaving your dad because she wanted to build a better life for you, but addiction is one son of a bitch—sorry for cussing. As far as I know, she left with him, but I don’t think she ever told him about you.”
I grew angry. “How could you keep this from me?” I yelled. I hadn’t ever yelled at Gram before, but learning that my parents chose their addiction over me ignited a new fire in me. How is anyone supposed to accept that?
“I know all of this is hard to hear. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but I never felt like it was the right moment to tell you.
I hate that you feel like they didn’t choose you, but I think your mom did.
I think she knew she couldn’t be the mom you needed, but she knew you would be safe and taken care of here.
” She rested her hand on my shoulder, “I tried my best to give you a happy life because I don’t think you would have felt happiness and joy if your mom had stayed here.
The alcohol was a stronger pull than anything else—even you—and her state at that time was not healthy for you. ”
My whole body seemed to deflate. I bowed my head as my shoulders sagged. “I…don’t know how to feel or what to even ask,” I admitted.
“That’s okay. I will tell you all you want to know in time. I know you feel grown up, but some details will be difficult to understand until you’re older. But I’ll always be here baking cookies and holding your hand through all the hard stuff.”
“I love you, Gram, and I’m glad we had this talk. I’m sorry I yelled. My thoughts are racing, and I need to just sit and think for a while.” I stood up, turning toward her. “Thank you for the cookie. They’re exactly how I remember.” I smiled weakly.
She didn’t say anything more as I walked away—there was nothing more to say.
I was a zombie in the coming weeks after my talk with Gram. I wasn’t ready to talk any further about it, and she respected my wishes. There was so much I wanted to know about my time with my mom, though.
I was on winter break, so I stayed up late reading. At around two in the morning, I heard movement coming from the living room. Gram should be asleep already, so I got up to investigate. As I entered the living room, I heard crying. Is that a baby?
I turned the corner and saw Gram rocking in her chair, holding a crying baby.
“Who’s that?” I asked slowly, approaching her.
“This is Luna. Would you like to come say hi?”
“Where did she come from?” I asked in total astonishment as I took in the new, small human Gram held in her arms.
“Come sit,” she said.
I sat on the couch next to her rocking chair.
“I know you’ve been out of sorts since talking about your mom a few weeks ago.
I wish I could tell you she came back better than ever, excited to see you.
She did come back briefly to bring Luna for us to look after as an early Christmas gift.
She thought she might be lonely without her big brother. ”
“Is my mom still here? Did she ask about me?” I pleaded.
Gram gave me a sad expression and handed me a note.
Dear Mom and Grant,
I was really trying this time. I got clean, started therapy, and stayed healthy through my pregnancy, but I met someone and know I’ll never be able to be the type of mother my kids deserve.
I know this is sudden, since Grant has been safe with you, Mom, I know Luna will be, too.
I named her Luna because there was a full moon the night she was born, and the nurse told me Luna meant moon.
She’s absolutely perfect, and I know you both will love and care for her way better than I ever could.
I filled out my portion of the documents for the termination of parental rights, as I did with Grant.
I won’t let this happen again. I do hope to see the three of you someday–someday when I’m not so messed up.
Take care of each other,
Cindy
This moment shifted for me. For the first time I could remember, I had words from my mom.
I stared at my new baby sister and couldn’t imagine how our mom could leave us when we were so small and innocent.
I would grieve the woman who didn’t want to know me—us.
I would protect and take care of Luna, so she never feels left behind.
“Can I hold her?” I asked timidly.
Gram placed her in my arms, and I already knew I loved her more than anything else.
“Hi, Luna. I’m your big brother, Grant. We are going to be the best of friends.
I will always remind you that you weren’t abandoned—you were saved,” I whispered as I cuddled her closer into me, tears falling from my face onto hers.