Chapter 10
TEN
PRESENT
On the way to the restaurant, we listened to music in comfortable silence.
When I glanced over to look at her at a stoplight, she was bobbing her shoulders along to the music and trying to sing the words even though she didn’t know any of them.
I sat and stared in awe until I heard a honk from the car behind me.
Apparently, the light had turned green, and I sat there admiring the pretty girl in my passenger seat.
“You’re kind of cute,” I said, returning my attention to the road.
“Just kind of? I'd better step up my cute game.” She laughed and danced more animatedly. I couldn’t help but join.
Soon, we pulled into the parking lot of the steakhouse. She proceeded to grab the door handle to let herself out, so I exited the truck quickly and ran around to her door to assist. “A true gentleman, or you’re trying to impress me.”
“It’s probably a little bit of both.” I smiled and put my arm out again for her to grab as we walked into the restaurant.
“You only do the arm thing so I could feel how buff you are, huh?”
I couldn’t suppress the laugh that escaped. I do obsessively work out, but it has never been about my body image; more about channeling my negative emotions.
“Am I?” I said with a sly smile. She rolled her eyes.
I pulled out the chair for her to sit. “How do you feel about filet mignon?” I asked, taking my seat. “I heard this place has some of the best in town.”
“That sounds perfect, but we need to discuss how we're splitting the bill because I don't want to come off as someone who makes the guy buy her an expensive meal on the first date,” she said, before looking away shyly.
“I wouldn’t say I’m old-fashioned per se, but when you’re out with me, you’re never going to pay.
I take care of the women in my life.” Why did I say that?
I haven’t had a woman to care for in a very long time.
But it's something ingrained in me, growing up with Gram and my sister, Luna. Serenity could become a woman I would bend over backward for to ensure she’s taken care of.
“I guess what they say is true, chivalry isn’t dead. I could have sworn it died with the dating history I have,” she said with a shrug.
The waiter arrived and quickly took our orders. We both ordered a filet mignon with a baked potato.
“Is the dating world as bad as they say it is? Because from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t seem so bad.”
Her eyes widened as her cheeks flushed the prettiest shade of pink. “I think it might be you,” she responded. “You seem to be good at it.”
“Well, I haven’t been on a real date or even in a relationship for the past eight years,” I confessed, “so you’re the more experienced one out of the two of us.”
“That’s quite a long time.” She looked into my eyes with a contemplative expression. “Sorry, I’m trying to make sense of the fact that you haven’t dated in so long. You almost seem too good at it to be out of practice.”
“My Gram and grandpa had a beautiful love story,” I said with a wide smile. “My grandpa died before I was born, but I grew up hearing about his romantic side. I’ve tried to emulate his actions in my own relationships and dating life.”
Our waiter arrived at the table, interrupting our conversation to bring us our entrees.
I smiled as I watched Serenity break out into a happy dance after her first bite, and I was completely enamored.
She didn't care about the opinions of the people around her, and I admired that about her.
I wish I was capable of being so carefree.
“I take it you like it?” I said, taking my first bite.
Her eyes rolled up in delight. “It’s mouthwateringly delicious. If this were my last meal, then I’d die a happy woman.” She grabbed the napkin from her lap and dabbed at the corner of her mouth. “So,” she started, “why haven’t you dated in so long?”
I couldn’t very well tell her the truth without dampening the mood of the night.
“Something traumatic happened to me a few years ago, and I lost my way for a while. I’ve been focusing on my healing journey ever since, afraid to bring a woman along for the ride.
” I shrugged my shoulders, trying to make light of the situation.
Her face turned somber. “I’m sorry to hear that. I know a thing or two about trauma, but maybe that’s a conversation for the second date.”
Had she just insinuated she wanted to see me again?
I knew we’d only been casually talking back and forth, but in the short span of time, she somehow already uncovered a piece of me no one had in a long time.
It’ll suck to not see her for three weeks, but I already knew from our one meal together how she was worth waiting for.
The thought of being vulnerable with her actually excited me.
“Trauma dumping on date two sounds perfect. Should we pencil it into the calendar now since we’re talking about it?” I gave her a cheeky grin. I’ve enjoyed talking to her, joking with her, flirting with her, and obviously staring at her.
Serenity grinned back at me playfully. “We've got to see how your skills are at ring toss, or whatever your favorite game is, once we get to the fair first. I’d even consider discussing a third date if you win me a giant stuffed cow.” She was adorable.
“I’ll win you a cow, but you've got to win me the giant pink axolotl. They’re adorable, kind of like you.
” I wonder if she was annoyed with my flirty banter.
I’ve flirted with women here and there, but only for physical reasons.
But with Serenity, I almost couldn’t believe the bright and adorable woman I’m getting to know was the same woman with the sad eyes from the waiting room.
I wanted to provide her strength as she entered her own season of healing.
We ate, and the conversation flowed naturally throughout the rest of our meal. When the waiter brought the check, I paid, and she said with a smile, “You better not hold it over me that I didn't contribute.”
“You're contributing by being here with me.”
She smiled brightly at me while simultaneously rolling her eyes. “You’re such a charmer, aren’t you?”
I laughed. “Maybe a little. Are you ready to go?”
“Let’s go,” she replied as I opened the door for her to exit the restaurant and again to get into the truck to head to the next stop on our date. “Can I play you a song?” she asked as I started the car.
“Sure,” I said and handed her my phone.
“Have you heard of All Time Low? They’re a softer pop-punk band.”
“Of course. What a blast from the past. I haven’t listened to them since high school. Are they still making music?” It’s so rare to find someone who liked the same music—at least with the bands I listened to.
“They are!” she exclaimed. “But the song I want to play for you is one of their older ones.”
As the song played through the speakers, I instantly recognized it. “Are you seriously playing a song called “Therapy”?” We both cracked up. Considering the completely normal dinner we had, it was hard to believe we met in Darla’s waiting room. I suppose therapy worked, who knew?
The restaurant was near the fairgrounds, so we arrived within ten minutes.
Once parked, I ran around the truck to open her door.
She jumped down, and she grabbed my bicep as we headed in.
I could get used to this. I paid for our tickets, and we made a beeline for the fair games.
There were a copious amount of people we had to dodge before we made it to the row of games.
“I know which game we should start with,” she said, practically jogging over. I followed her with a chuckle. “Just you wait,” she yelled, eyes sparkling with excitement.
She brought me to a game where the player has to throw a quarter onto a board with various circles of different colors.
The point of the game was to land the quarter within the circle without crossing the line of the circle.
The way to win the biggest prize was to land your quarter in the smallest circle.
As we played, I had no idea she was an absolute pro at the game.
I wasn’t even mad because watching her excitement after landing the quarter perfectly on the circle was pure bliss.
“Were you going to tell me you’re a world champion quarter thrower?” I joked as I side-eyed her. I had yet to get a quarter in a circle—even in the biggest one. She had already won the pink axolotl, so I needed to make up for it.
“I don’t know what you're talking about. Maybe it’s beginner's luck,” she said with a sly smile. Her competitive side was charming.
“I’ll forgive you for hustling me, but it’s time to play my favorite game.
” I led her to the game where you throw a baseball at bowling pins.
You had to get all the pins to fall off the barrel they were stacked on.
The game had the giant stuffed cow she wanted, so I became extra motivated to win.
And that’s exactly what I did. I was able to get them all down on the first throw and win her the cow.
“My hero. How will I ever repay you?” She winked suggestively. I was not expecting the innuendo. I stood there, mouth slightly agape. “Calm down, lover boy, we’re just getting started. But first, I need a bathroom break.”
“It’s across the way,” I said, pointing to the bathrooms. “I’ll wait here with our stuffed animals.” I watched her walk away with a cheesy grin plastered on my face.
I took out my phone to text Gio.
Me
She’s the one!
Gio
Date is going well, I assume?
Me
She’s funny and sarcastic and flirty and drop-dead gorgeous. I’m already a goner for her.
Gio
Try not to fuck it up then.
I rolled my eyes. He was not the most supportive best friend, but he was never judgmental about how I've lived my life.
I had been texting Gio and scrolling on my phone for about ten minutes, and Serenity still hadn’t come back.
I walked over to the bathrooms, and there was no line.
I stood by the open door and yelled her name with no answer; maybe she went to the port-a-potty.
I called her name again, and still there was no reply.
I took out my phone to call her, but there was no answer there either.
The panic began to rise, and I ran to every bathroom in the vicinity, but still no luck.
I went back to where she told me to wait, and she wasn’t there.
I broke out into a cold sweat, my chest tightening and heart racing.
My breathing grew rapidly, and the more I tried to slow it down, the more I couldn’t catch my breath.
I needed to sit down. I tried to move my body toward the bench, but I was stuck in place.
I couldn’t move. My vision started to blur and narrow.
I sank to the ground against a wall in the corner by the bathrooms. My body instinctively rocked itself back and forth, a flashback overtaking me.
I read her note again and again, pleading for her to still be here.
I ran through the house, searching for her in every room and yelling out her name.
“Luna, I’m sorry.” She couldn’t seriously be gone; she was all I had left.
It was one fight…after everything we’ve faced together, could she really walk away?
But she wasn’t anywhere. And for the first time in my life, I had nobody.
“Grant, are you okay?” I vaguely heard Serenity. Thank goodness she was safe. But I couldn’t speak. I was breathing so hard and fast, I couldn’t even hear myself think.
“I’m going to put my hands on your shoulders, okay?
” Serenity’s soft voice cleared some of the fog.
I think I nodded, but I wasn't sure. “Focus on me. We’re going to breathe together, okay? I’m going to breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and then exhale for four seconds. Let’s try it together.”
Her stunning storm-cloud eyes found mine and I locked my gaze on hers, following her lead. We breathed together for ten rounds before my panic subsided, my heart rate decreasing.
“Can you speak?” she asked in a calm and even tone.
“Yes,” I replied shakily.
“Can you list five things you see?” I knew the technique well and was glad she did too because it had always helped me connect with reality, even though I hadn't had a severe panic attack in many years.
“I see you, a Ferris wheel, a man eating a giant corn dog, a line of people, and a giant cow.” I tried to laugh at the last item, but I didn’t have the energy to follow through.
“Now, four things you can feel.”
“Your hands on my shoulders,” I reached for her hands, “the asphalt, my shorts, and you,” I said, reaching out to cup her cheek. This was the first time anyone had talked me through a panic attack before—besides my therapist. I was embarrassed, but I also held overwhelming gratitude toward her.
“Three things you can hear,” she said, leaning into my touch.
“People, music, and fair rides.” I was coming down from my attack. I was able to move my limbs, and my breathing was getting back to normal.
“Two things you can smell?”
“So much fair food and the vanilla scent you are wearing.”
She smiled at me. “Last one, name something you can taste.”
“I think I still have some aftertaste from the steak we had earlier.” I tried to bring the humor back, but her expression remained worried.
“I take it you’re feeling better?” she asked incredulously.
“I think so. I’m sorry…that hasn’t happened in a long time. I was looking for you, and then my emotions overwhelmed my body and started shutting down.”
“No need to be sorry—if anyone understands, it’s me. I learned the technique from my roommate. I went to get us a churro to surprise you.” She grabbed the churros that were abandoned in a paper bag on the floor.
“You roll your r’s when you say churro. Are you Hispanic?”
She smiled lightly. “I am. I’m half-Mexican on my mom’s side.” She shook her head at my obvious attempt at changing the subject. “But did something happen when you were looking for me to lead to a panic attack?”
“We’re trauma dumping on date two, remember?” I replied, still trying to deflect and internally wondering if it was a sign I wasn’t ready to put myself out there again. Would I always fear losing the women in my life?