Chapter 19
NINETEEN
Shawn became my lifeline when it became difficult to stay afloat with the fear and confusion constantly coursing through me when I had to be home alone with Andrés.
My romantic feelings toward Shawn soon returned once we spent more time together again.
We had plenty of talks during the first few months since my return.
His reason for disappearing was because he wanted to respect the new relationship with Emma.
I accepted it because there was no point in continuing to hold onto so much hurt.
The five of us—Emma, Shawn, Jacob, Zac, and I—were all back to our same group dynamic.
We constantly joked around, but we were also the most supportive of one another.
The guys always asked who I had a crush on, and it always baffled me how they weren’t aware that the only guy I even had eyes for when Shawn was around was him—Shawn.
My likeness for him only increased in the four years I’ve known him.
He didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship, though.
Why couldn’t he believe we were soul mates like I did, and promise to never give up on each other?
Hadn’t he heard the saying, 'marry your best friend? '
“What are you thinking about over there?” Shawn asked, breaking me free from my spiraling thoughts.
I looked over at him. “Sorry, I’m thinking about how I’ll be spending the weekend alone because my mom and Andrés are going on a getaway.”
“Do you want me to come over tonight?” Shawn asked.
I paused and slowly shifted my gaze in his direction.
We hadn’t had a sleepover since I stayed at his house right before I moved, when the first incident with Andrés occurred.
He knew I liked him, and he was asking me to come over and be alone with me.
The butterflies in my stomach swarmed with excitement.
Maybe once we’re alone together, away from the group or family, he could see me in a different light.
I only hoped his love would spark to life this weekend.
“Really? We hadn’t had a sleepover since…” I trailed off. I couldn’t even say it out loud without the pang of anxiety in my gut.
“Then we should change that. We can make a bunch of snacks and pull an all-nighter; it’d be fun,” he said energetically.
I didn’t sleep as much, knowing how unpredictable Andrés was with his nighttime visits.
I’d probably sleep a full night if I knew Shawn was there to keep me safe.
Even though he let me down a couple of years ago, he was still my safety net.
“I’d like that,” I said. “But I’m picking the snacks because then you’ll end up showing up with some nasty pickled flavored chips.” I made a disgusted expression.
He scoffed. “What’s wrong with pickle chips? When you tried them last time, you liked them.”
I shook my head and rolled my eyes. “I said they were okay, but there are infinitely better snacks than anything pickles flavored.”
Shawn sat in thought. “How about you choose the salty snacks, and I’ll choose the sweet snacks?”
I smiled. “I’ll take that compromise. We can go after school.”
“Deal,” he said, reaching for my hand to shake on it. “Now, let’s get to class before we get in trouble again.”
The rest of the school day passed by in a blur, but I caught Emma in the bathroom right before last period. “Shawn is staying over at my house tonight.”
She looked over at me with a surprised expression. “Alone?” she practically yelled.
I darted my hand quickly over her mouth. “Keep it down, but yes.”
Her eyes widened. “That’s huge. Do you think he could like you more than a friend now?”
“I’m not sure. I was telling him my mom wouldn’t be home this weekend, and he asked if he could come over and have a movie and snack night.
” I was so glad I could still talk about Shawn with Emma, even though they dated.
They soon realized they were better off as friends.
I still wondered why he was willing to give her a chance but not me.
She smirked. “I think he’s going to try and make a move.”
I smiled lightly. “Do you really think so?” I asked.
He was adamant about our friendship being worth more than jeopardizing it in a potential failed relationship.
But we spent all our time together, texting all the time, talking on the phone regularly, but his feelings remained in friendship territory.
Tonight would be a test to see if he’d been holding back or if he genuinely hasn’t developed any romantic feelings toward me.
“It’ll be one of the first times you two will be completely alone together since you moved back, and it could spark some conversation about the two of you being more…
or you’ll have one of those movie kisses.
When they catch each other’s eyes in a certain way, looking down at each other's lips, and then boom, you’re kissing.
” She laughed as she took in my less-than-impressed expression. “It could happen!” she exclaimed.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up,” I said. “The never-ending crush I’ve had on him since middle school has gotten me nowhere. I can’t spend the rest of high school waiting for him, could I?”
She didn’t say anything for a long time.
“You should tell him that. Tell him your feelings are too deep to continue as friends. You say you want to take the chance to potentially ruin the friendship because you think it could lead to something better. Seeing him with other girls is going to be too hard for you to continue the friendship as it is already. Either way, the friendship may already be doomed because of your feelings.”
I considered what she said for too long because the final bell rang. I decided not to respond. I gave her a quick hug and rushed off to class. Shawn was in my last class, and he looked chipper than ever when I approached the desk next to him.
“Did you decide on any snacks better than pickle chips?” he asked as I sat down. “You okay?” His expression was filled with concern.
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “But yes, I actually came up with a pretty good compromise.”
“Compromise, huh? Tell me more.”
“Well,” I started, “you probably already guessed I’d choose popcorn because, duh. But they have flavored powders you can add to your popcorn, and I believe they have a pickle flavor.”
He laughed. “You’re kidding.”
“I swear I’m not,” I said.
“That’s awesome.” He smiled at me, and the way the light hit his face from the window made his forest green eyes sparkle. I couldn’t help but stare. Luckily, before I stared for too long to the point of it becoming awkward, Ms. McAllister started the last class.
Ms. McAllister was our English teacher, and her class was easily my favorite.
Books had been my peace, my escape, and my saving grace for as long as I could remember.
My life had been unpredictable with my mom and Andrés, making me feel like I never had control.
When I entered a new world in a book, I completely immersed myself in the story and forgot all my real-life struggles.
Books had been my constant, and I knew wherever life takes me, they’d always be there for me.
Shawn and I walked to the store down the street from our houses after school.
“Should we have an actual meal or just fill up on a copious number of snacks?” he asked as we browsed the aisles.
I put my hand on my chin, thinking. “Pizza! I’m getting pepperoni, and you’re not allowed to whine about how basic my pizza choice is.” I gave him a stern expression.
We both laughed. “You do like basic pizza and basic movie snacks, but I still love you.”
My heart sank to my stomach. We’ve said ‘I love you’ to each other plenty of times, but it was usually as a way of saying goodbye on the phone or after school, not just in context to who I was as a person.
I needed a moment to myself before spending the whole weekend alone together.
“How about you go grab the candy, I’ll get the other snacks, and then we can meet in the pizza aisle. Sound like a plan?”
“Perfect, see you in a bit,” he said, walking toward the candy aisle.
I heavily contemplated the advice Emma gave me about moving forward into a relationship or pausing the friendship altogether with Shawn.
He was my very best friend, but how would I manage seeing him with other girls?
Could I truthfully handle hearing him talk about someone else or seeing it firsthand?
I was so in my head, standing and staring in the chip aisle, when Shawn approached. “I was waiting for you in the pizza aisle forever before I grabbed the pizza and came to find you. Can’t decide?” he asked.
“Yes,” I lied. “I want something cheesy, but also maybe barbecue.”
“I have the perfect solution,” he admitted. “Get both, and we can throw them all in one big bowl, so each bite has a little of both.”
“Wow,” I said. “You really are a genius.”
“Just don’t tell anyone. I have a cool guy reputation to uphold.”
“I hate to break it to you,” I said. “But I think most people know you’re a huge nerd. A cool nerd, but still a nerd nonetheless.”
He rolled his eyes, “Whatever,” he joked.
“I think we forgot something,” Shawn stated.
I groaned, “What?”
“Ice cream!” he yelled.
I laughed. “Don’t you think we have enough sugar with the candy?”
“Don’t act like you’re going to say no to ice cream. I’ll even let you get your favorite flavor even though it is an old person flavor.”
I gaped at him. “Butter pecan is not an old person flavor.”
“It definitely is.” He laughed. “You’re always in a hurry to grow up so fast.”