Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
PRESENT
Ileaned against the inside of my front door after the life-altering kiss from Grant. I had never experienced a kiss so alluring and all-consuming. I could have kept kissing him forever and never become bored. Emma came out of her room and noticed me standing against the door in a daze.
“You alright?” she asked, approaching me.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be just alright ever again. Grant kissed me, and it was a kiss like I’ve never experienced before,” I replied.
Emma dragged me to the living room so we could sit on the couch. “Tell me everything.”
“Tonight’s date was one I’ve only read about in books.” I paused, smiling at myself. “We went to a bookstore and chose a book to read together, drank tea, and cuddled on the couch until they closed.”
“That’s seriously the sweetest,” she said. “But the kiss?”
I giggled. “Em, he was such a gentleman. He leaned down to give me a small peck, but I needed more and took the kiss deeper. He followed suit and literally took my breath away. But ugh, what if I screw it up?”
Emma smiled at me and gently touched my hand.
“I want you to hear me when I say this. You have never been treated well by a man, and you spent a lot of time proving to them that you’re worthy of love when they couldn’t see it.
Grant is seeing it and showing you that you are the driver in how the relationship progresses.
You’re so used to men taking pieces of you, not knowing if it was what you wanted or if you were giving them what they wanted because you've held on to the belief that if you do everything the man wants, they’ll love you. ”
I lowered my gaze. I knew she was right.
I knew all my relationships thus far had been superficial or primarily physical.
I believed if they wanted my body, then they must also want my heart.
I never faced the fact that maybe I’d never been truly loved at all.
Grant was teaching me the true meaning of affection.
I’ve settled for less-than-ideal relationships because of how I saw relationships growing up with my mom—especially once Andrés entered the picture.
I wanted to shut that thought down, but I also needed to face the truth if I wanted to truly heal.
“I want to be more honest with my therapist about the abuse I was subjected to by the hands of Andrés, and the role my mom played in dismissing it through the years. I thought if I never talked about it, I could pretend it didn’t happen.
But I see how it has affected all my relationships. I want better for Grant and me.”
Emma’s expression softened. “I’m proud of you for making such a hard decision to heal so you can recognize what real caring looks like. You deserve all the love in the world, and I’m so excited to see you finally get it.”
We hugged each other and headed to our respective rooms for the night.
I sat at my desk in my room and wrote out notes for what I wanted to discuss in therapy the next day.
I thought Shawn was the beginning of my story when it came to my failed relationships, but I had to face the truth of what happened to me.
If I kept burying the truth, it would continue to eat me alive.
I could never verbalize my triggers in previous relationships. Because I had such difficulty recognizing the range of my emotions, I was told that I was ‘too much’ or my ‘mental illness was too hard to handle.’
As I wrote down my thoughts, my stomach twisted with anxiety. However, I knew I had to face it if I ever wanted a healthy relationship with Grant. I closed my notebook and settled into bed with a meditation mix to calm my nerves, hoping to get some sleep.
When I looked at my phone the next morning, I opened an unread text he sent before he went to work.
Grant
Good morning, pretty girl. I must admit, I thought about you all night. I could barely sleep. So, I blame you for my poor performance at work today.
I smiled widely as I typed my response.
Me
Sounds like a personal problem to me. You should be more to blame for taking my breath away last night. Talk about a health hazard.
I rose from bed, looking for an outfit for therapy and work. After I was dressed, I quickly grabbed a protein shake from the fridge for breakfast because I slept in longer than I anticipated. I checked my phone one last time.
Grant
I’m not even slightly apologetic.
Me
What does the rest of your day look like after work?
Grant
Miss me already?
Me
Maybe…
Grant
I’m sure I could figure out a way to change that.
Me
I’m heading to therapy. I might have to talk about the guy whom I can’t stop thinking about.
I left the conversation there as I drove to the therapist’s office. I turned my phone off so I could be fully present in my session today.
I sat in my car, absent-mindedly twiddling my fingers on the wheel. Today, I’d talk to Darla about the sexual trauma I’ve endured and how I didn't want that trauma to prevent me from having something real with Grant. I finally grew the courage to walk into the building.
I always smiled when I entered the waiting room because it was where I met Grant, and he’d been a sprinkle of happiness when I felt lost.
“Hi, Serenity. Come on back,” Darla said. I followed her back to her office and took some deep breaths, sitting on the couch.
She settled into her own chair, pulling out her notebook. “How has everything been since I saw you last?”
I grabbed my favorite yellow pillow and held it on my lap, so I had something to do with my hands.
I played with the yarn strings on the pillow’s edge.
“Life has started to really look up. I was promoted at work, my roommate—who’s also my best friend—has been extra supportive with my healing journey, and I’ve been dating someone new who is unlike anyone I’ve dated before.
We are taking it slow, but I think our relationship is starting to really flourish.
With that, I’m having fears about ruining it when we become physical because of my sexual trauma. ”
She gave me a soft expression. “Are you ready to discuss some of that trauma with me today?”
I took one deep breath. “I am. I haven’t discussed it in full context with anyone before.
But I think my trauma continues to control my actions and responses in my relationships.
The guy I’m seeing now has shown patience and understanding with the pace of our physical relationship, making me realize how I have picked partners who wanted a solely sexual relationship without commitment or love.
I believed sex equaled love, and that narrative has never proven true. ”
She clasped her hands together, bringing them to her chin. “That’s great to hear,” she said with a bright smile. “For EMDR today, I’d like us to start examining the memories from the early interactions with your mom’s boyfriend. Do you think you’re in a place to do that with me today?”
I was as ready as I had ever been before. I am stronger than my trauma. “I’m ready to heal.”