Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
PRESENT
Iwas immensely proud of Serenity for her vulnerability in therapy, even if it was tough.
She was taking the steps to heal any trauma she had endured, which wasn’t easy.
Most traumatized people avoided therapy because it required opening old wounds.
I could attest to that because even though I've healed and grown so much throughout the years I’ve been in therapy, I still had moments that were too difficult to talk about.
She has inspired me to work through the harder moments I have avoided myself.
Serenity has spoken more freely about her trauma and healing journey than I have.
I wanted to return the favor and bear some pieces of my soul to her.
When she told me she had therapy today, I planned an ice cream and reading date at my house.
I thought providing her with her favorite treat and a quiet night at my place would offer her with a sense of safety after a tough session.
I headed to the gym straight from work so I could shower and be ready for Serenity when she came over. I had more confidence in the gym. I lifted heavier, completed more reps, and wasn't as drained nearly as fast. The picture of Serenity’s soft lips on mine, kept me energized.
I quickly showered and changed when I got home. I checked my phone to see if I had heard from Serenity yet.
Serenity
Will you dress cozy tonight, so I can dress cozy?
I laughed because I already wore sweatpants and a T-shirt.
Me
Currently in my closet looking for my duck slippers.
Serenity
Perfect, I’ll be there in twenty.
I loved how quickly she became comfortable around me and in my home. A cozy cuddling date after that dream of a kiss last night sounded like pure bliss. I could hardly wait to hold her in my arms again. A soft knock had me racing toward the door.
I opened the door with a wide grin spread across my face. “God, I’ve missed you,” I said, pulling her in for a hug.
She giggled lightly against my chest. “Twenty-four hours too long for you now?”
“Maybe,” I said with a wink. “Follow me to the kitchen for your surprise.”
Instead of following, she grabbed my left bicep to walk beside me. I was so glad I trained my arms today. She squeezed slightly. “Admiring the merchandise?” I teased.
“Did you work out your arms today? I could have sworn they didn’t feel this big yesterday.” She winked right back at me. “Let me guess, maybe?” She giggled.
“You guessed correctly. Any guess as to what your surprise might be?”
“Something to do with food since you’re taking me to the kitchen. Since you knew I ate before I came over, maybe it’s a dessert?”
“Well,” I started, “you’re the smart one of the two of us, because you’re right.”
“Don’t you have a degree in computer engineering? I think that makes you the smart one.” She glanced at me sideways.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m only computer smart, doesn’t count.”
“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes back at me. “What’s for dessert then?”
I walked over to my freezer and brought out the tub of butter pecan ice cream. Her eyes grew twice their size as I placed it on the counter.
“Where did you find a tub that big?” she practically yelled.
“Apparently, you don’t have an ice cream guy on speed dial like I do.” I nudged against her shoulder, turning to grab a couple of bowls from the cupboard. “Go get comfortable on the couch, and I’ll bring you your ice cream.”
“Are you sure you don’t need help?”
I shot her a stern expression. “Okay, I’m going,” she said, giggling all the way to the couch.
I scooped the ice cream into the bowls, grabbed two spoons, and carried them to the living room. “Do you want to watch something, talk, or both?”
She tilted her head. “Let’s put something on in the background so it’s not so quiet, but I’d love to talk about therapy with you,” she admitted.
I played instrumental music in the background and sat on the couch next to her, barely making contact. “I’m all ears.”
She took the deepest breath where even her shoulders lifted. Whatever she wanted to get off her chest must be heavy.
“I uncovered some buried memories. When I said exes said my mental illness issues were too much for them, I always thought they meant my depression and anxiety…” she trailed off.
“I've been avoiding discussing my sexual trauma because if I pretended it didn't exist, then it couldn't control me. Unfortunately, it has anyway.” She shifted her gaze away from me.
I couldn’t even imagine what emotions uncovering those memories must have evoked from her. I'd make it my life's goal to ensure she was always safe and valued. My hands balled into fists at the thought of anyone causing her pain.
“You are so incredibly brave,” I said. I lightly placed my hand on top of hers and squeezed.
Her glistening eyes met mine. “Thank you for trusting me to share part of your story with. I hope you know, I’ll take everything as slow as you need to take it.
Even if we’re right in the middle of it, if you need to stop, then we’ll stop.
Okay? Don’t ever be afraid to tell me no. ”
She gave me a small grin, leaning over to press a light kiss on my lips. I kissed her back, and then we leaned our foreheads up against one another. “You don’t know how much hearing those words means to me.”
“I want you to always feel safe with me,” I said. “Your strength is inspiring.”
She leaned back over to her side of the couch and put a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. She let out a light moan and did a little happy dance. At least I knew food could always make her dance. She cuddled up close to me, and we ate our ice cream, listening to the background music.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the safe space you picture after your sessions?” she asked.
I smiled. “I love the mountains and trees we have up north, but I found a small mountain town with a lake overlooking a forest of trees about forty-five minutes from here when I first moved. I went up there a lot to sit in front of the lake and admire the changing of the leaves. What about you?”
“Mine is a little vague.” She brought all her hair over her right shoulder, braiding it effortlessly.
“I love mountains and trees, too, so I picture that I’m lying atop a mountain overlooking a field of trees and lavender flowers.
I always picture a sunset as well because nothing quite beats an Arizona sunset. ”
I nodded my head. “I can agree with that. Since you shared a piece of yourself with me, can I share something with you?”
“Always,” she said, placing her bowl on the side table and shifting her body to face me. “You have my full attention.”
I took a deep breath. “I might make this sound a bit vague since I haven't been open to anyone else besides Darla. The reason I started therapy eight years ago was because my family broke, and it turned me into someone who wasn’t me anymore. I was mean and angry. I knew my Gram would want me to find my way back to my true self. I still have this intense fear of getting too close to people and tragically losing them, or them leaving with things unresolved.” I paused to clear my throat.
“I still suffer from panic attacks, as you know, as well as nightmares when I actually can sleep, which isn’t very often. ”
She reached out to hold my hand. “Was that why you had a panic attack when we went to the fair? Because you couldn’t find me?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I had a flashback, which made the world around me fuzzy, and I couldn’t breathe.”
She leaned into me again and gave me a tight hug. “I’m sorry you had to endure such a tragedy that still affects you so much today. I have moments of insomnia, too. So, if you ever need someone to talk to or to at the very least distract you from the racing thoughts, don’t hesitate to call me.”
“Right back at you,” I said, kissing her on the forehead.
She backed away and looked at me. “Forehead kisses are pretty serious.”
“Good, because I’m pretty serious about you,” I said, giving her another kiss on her forehead.
I saw a blush sneak up from her neck while she tried to look away. I put my hand on her cheek and turned her back toward me. “Does saying things like that make you uncomfortable?”
She shook her head. “Not at all. I’ve never had someone talk to me like you do. No one’s ever seemed to care.”
“I do,” I said. “I really do. I’m also scared shitless of messing it all up or letting my past prevent me from being the person I know you deserve.”
“I am too,” she admitted. “But if we continue to promise to be honest and patient with each other, then maybe we’ll prove ourselves wrong.” She looked at me with so much hope that I couldn't imagine ever breaking that promise.
“I like that idea.” We both gave each other a small smile. “Did you bring your book?”
“What kind of question is that?” She stood from the couch and grabbed her bag. “I never leave the house without a book in tow.”
“I’ll be right back.” I ran to my room to grab my copy from my side table. When I came back out to the living room, Serenity was cuddled up on the couch with her book and a blanket. I stood there and stared at her. The view was intoxicating.
She snapped her head in my direction. “Are you coming over here, or are you going to stand there and stare at me for the rest of the night?”
A burst of laughter escaped. “I’m still deciding.”
“Get over here,” she demanded.
“Yes, ma’am,” I replied.
I walked over to the couch. I swung my leg over her and lay back. I pulled her back into my body, so she leaned back against my chest and lap. I casually opened my book without saying anything further.
“This is nice,” she said.
I leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “I could get used to this.”
We spent the rest of the night together reading and commenting on the book.
I gently ran my fingers through her hair.
Before I knew it, she had dropped her book and had fallen into a deep sleep.
I grabbed her book and reached back to put it on the side table.
I didn’t want to wake her up, but my legs were seconds from falling asleep along with her.
I very slowly untangled myself from her, and she didn’t even slightly stir. She must be exhausted.
I decided to let her sleep. I went to my room to do my night routine.
When I came back to the living room, she still hadn’t moved a muscle.
I couldn’t have her sleeping on the couch, though.
I lightly picked her up, and she cuddled into me, still not waking up.
I took her to my room and laid her on my bed.
Once she was tucked in for the night, I turned off the light and went to sleep on the couch.
I was able to fall into a deep sleep myself.
I woke up the next morning at sunrise. I hadn’t heard even a slight noise from my room to indicate that Serenity was awake yet.
I headed to the Nespresso machine to make a cup of coffee and poured Serenity a glass of the leftover apple cider from the other night.
I made a quick breakfast of bacon, eggs, and hash browns.
I loved waking up early and having a quiet morning to myself.
I sat at the table to drink my coffee, eat my breakfast, and journal.
I usually journaled about my nightmares or racing thoughts that came to me at night, but I surprisingly slept through the night. I must have been tired, too.
I finished and walked into my room with Serenity’s apple cider and a few pieces of bacon and set it on the end table next to the bed.
She was still fast asleep. I grabbed my clothes and headed to the bathroom to take a shower.
Once I was showered and dressed, I itched the door open and was met with Serenity slowly opening her eyes.
“Good morning, sunshine.”
She sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. “What am I still doing here?” she asked, looking over at me. “Did you carry me to your bed?”
“Don’t worry, I slept on the couch. I didn’t have it in me to wake you up last night. And if you were that tired, then you shouldn’t have been driving anyway,” I lectured.
She crawled out of bed. “I’m sorry I took over your bed last night. Did you get any sleep?”
“I slept better than I have in a long while. Maybe I like having you here or something.” I shrugged.
“I slept through the night, too. I didn’t even wake up once. I guess I like being here, too.” She smiled genuinely.
“I know you don’t drink much coffee, but the only other drink I had besides water was the apple cider from the other night,” I said, pointing at the glass on the end table. “There’s some bacon there as well if you’re hungry.”
“Has anyone told you lately how good a listener you are?” She took a sip of the apple cider and a couple of bites of bacon. “I should be heading home so I can take my meds. Are you heading to work?”
“I am,” I responded. “We can walk out together.”
She gathered her things, and we prepared to leave. We paused and stared at each other once we reached her car. “I’m going to put our book on the book club calendar for next week.”
“You’ll have to let me know when, so I can clear my schedule.” I watched her eyes linger from my eyes to my lips. I made a sly smirk. She licked her lips, and I could hardly resist. “Can I kiss you goodbye?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” She gripped my shirt in her fist and brought my mouth down onto hers. The kiss was simple and sweet but awakened far quicker than any espresso. I knew as I released her from the kiss and watched her drive away, that I would never tire of those lips.