38. Chapter 38
A week later, I still can’t believe the changes my life has taken.
I’m no longer under Stephan’s thumb.
The kids’ attitudes, moods, and even their grades have improved since coming to live here on the compound. With the help of Sam, we got the school principal to agree, though it was more of a begrudging agreement, to let Ash and Isaiah attend school virtually. For Cassie, her teachers are just emailing me her assignments daily and then giving me things to work on with her throughout the day. Patch and the club made sure we had everything we needed to ensure the kids were able to do their assignments which had started a whole ‘nother round of waterworks when they surprised me everything.
The kids are also thriving beyond just school with having positive male role models around them all the time. They all started calling Patch ‘Dad’ or ‘Daddy’ that first night after our heavy conversation. I know he told me he loved all three of them, but I won’t lie, a part of me worried he’d treat Cassie and Isaiah differently than Asher. I should have known better. He treats all three of them like they’re his own flesh and blood, and they love spending time with him, especially Cassie. I often find her curled up in his arms, and it’s pretty obvious that she has him wrapped around her little pinky.
The kids were beyond happy when they found out Patch had taken three weeks of vacation time to help us while we were getting settled in. I know they’ll be bummed when he has to go back to work next week Monday, but Ash was the one that was finally able to get through to Cassie. ‘Dad’s a nurse in the ER, Cassie. People need him there so that he can help them get better. Maybe even save their lives.’ To say I was proud of him is an understatement, and while I know Cassie was still disappointed, she said she understood.
Friday night, the Junction Creek chapter arrived for their Thanksgiving celebration which was yesterday. The kids were in heaven being able to play with more people and to have fawn over them.
Isaiah got more than a few looks of approval as he, Judge, Drae, Punisher, and Devil all talked about engines, motorcycles, and cars for a few hours. I do believe he’ll end up as a mechanic in one of their garages the way things are looking and overhearing snippets of their conversations. Ash was pretty reserved, but he did talk with Doc and Patch a lot, and when Brady and Sam stopped out for a bit, he talked to them as well. When Cassie had overheard that Mama Astrid and Odin hadn’t come over because she was sick, she was bummed. Apparently, when the kids were staying with Mae and Timber while I was in the hospital, Mae had told her a lot about Mama Astrid, and she was excited to meet her in person.
Thankfully, Mae pulled out her phone and let Cassie do a video chat with Mama Astrid. From their familiarity, I almost asked if they’ve done this before, but I bit my tongue, not wanting to ask the question while Cassie was excitedly chattering away. Instead, I held the phone for her so Cassie could show Mama Astrid her new dress and shoes. She twirled, her little curls dancing with every move, and I swear Mama Astrid fell in love with my little girl.
And, judging by a lot of looks, I’d say if anyone ever messed with my baby, the ladies and men of both clubs will be getting their guns and knives out to be at her back. Which will make dating very interesting when she’s older.
While I knew Levi and Mae told me they had brothers in the club, it was still surprising to see the guys dote on them so much. Though, when Levi had had enough and threatened to put a blade into the next one that treated her like she was made of glass, I barely suppressed my laugh at seeing all of their faces pale momentarily. Even now, the memory has a laugh threatening to escape, but I bite it down because today isn’t really a laughing sort of day.
Yesterday, the guys all surprised me by offering to help move any furniture or things I wanted from πατ?ρα (dads) house to the condo. The rest I’ll put into storage for now. Some we’ll use later when we build a house, and other pieces, I’ll donate to whoever needs them in the club.
Then this morning after breakfast, guys from both clubs helped us move our things from Mae and Timber’s house into the condo they are letting us use. The kids were beyond ecstatic when Patch moved some of his things into the condo as well.
The club’s, both clubs’, support for my kids and me still surprises me, and I go to bed each night, thankful for Patch coming back into my life.
Right now, though, we’re on our way over to πατ?ρα (dads) house, and nerves are swirling in my stomach. While they haven’t said anything, to me at least, I know everyone in the club is on edge, not knowing if Stephan or his cop buddies will try anything like before. Patch’s driving me in his truck, and Levi’s sister Sasha, who is one of the club’s Prospects, is driving Levi’s SUV with Levi and Mae safely secured in the back seat. Three of the other Prospects, Alexei, Ethan, and Colt, are driving large rental vans to move the furniture. Men from both clubs are in front and behind each of the vehicles as we caravan through town.
I haven’t even seen our house since that fateful night, and even though we’ve been living in Forest Creek since March, I’ve purposefully never driven by it, even if it meant taking a longer route. My chest tightens as I remember the conversation Patch, γιαγι? (grandma), παππο?? (grandpa), and I had two days after we arrived at the clubhouse.
“ Λουλο?δι μου (My flower) , we would like to discuss something with you and Luke,” γιαγι? (grandma) tells me as she sits down at the table in Mae and Timber’s house. Παππο?? (Grandpa) sits down beside her a moment later.
My breath catches in my chest, and I just know this is it. This is the decision I’d been dreading to say aloud but had already known my answer when Luke told me what he’d done. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to vocalize my thoughts without breaking down. Arms snake around my upper body from behind, and I’m wrapped in Luke’s familiar cedarwood and leather scent. I lean back, resting my head on his shoulder as I try to calm my racing heart.
“It’ll be alright, Siren. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. I’ll support you whichever way you choose.”
Some of my panic eases at his words and I lean down slightly, placing a kiss on his arm. “Thank you.”
Luke releases me and I wheel over to the table. He walks further into the kitchen and returns with water bottles for all of us.
“With the condo almost done, we were wondering if you wanted to use any of the furniture at your old house? After… that night,” γιαγι? (grandma) says as she pauses, blinking rapidly to keep her tears from falling.
Emotion clogs my throat as I do the same thing. If I start crying now, I don’t know when I’ll stop. Παππο?? (Grandpa) takes her hand in his, squeezing tightly.
Γιαγι? (Grandma) clears her throat. “After that night, we took some family heirloom pieces to store at our house just in case someone did manage to break in. We can bring them after you move in if you’d like. I also took the photo albums and your cookbooks to store as well as anything else I knew would crush you if it was damaged or destroyed.”
I swallow thickly, and despite my best efforts, a couple of tears escape. “Thank you,” I whisper hoarsely as I wipe away the tears. “I would definitely like the photo albums and cookbooks back. But without knowing what all else you took for safekeeping; I don’t know if it’s something we should take back or not.”
I chew on my lip as my mind races. Looking down, I pick at my nails as I try to sort out my jumbled thoughts and emotions. I don’t know if I’m the best person for the family heirlooms to go to with everything that’s going on. Also, I haven’t heard from any of my other family members. Do they even consider me part of their family anymore?
Γιαγι? (Grandma) tsks, and I look up at her. “Why shouldn’t you take them back? You’re our εγγον? (granddaughter) . Those family heirlooms are as much yours as they were our Nikos’.”
“But what would the others think if I took them? Wouldn’t they be mad?”
Γιαγι? (Grandma) reaches over and takes my hand in hers. “ Λουλο?δι μου (My flower) , you needn’t worry about that. They all care for you and are chomping at the bit to descend on you en masse. The only reason they haven’t yet is because the three of us asked them not to so that you would have time to adjust, process, and heal after everything you’ve been through. You know as much as I do that when everyone gets together, it can be overwhelming. In fact, a lot of times ‘overwhelming’ is an understatement,” she says with a chuckle, which I can’t help but chuckle in agreement.
“I’m sorry, Siren. I didn’t realize you’d take the fact that they hadn’t reached out as a sign that they didn’t want you in their family anymore. Like γιαγι? (grandma) said, we were trying not to overwhelm you with a lot of things and changes at once.” Luke’s dejected face and tone has even more tension bleeding out of me.
My family didn’t abandon me.
Sighing, my shoulders slump and I pick at my nails again as I berate myself internally. I should have known better, but Stephan’s voice won out in my head, even though I shouldn’t have let him. When will I stop hearing his voice? When will I stop hearing the lies he whispers in my ear whenever someone says or does something, or hell, doesn’t do something? When will it stop? Will it always be like this for the rest of my life?
Rough hands encase mine, and I blink as I come out of my thoughts and look up.
“Hey, what went through your head just now, Siren?”
Swallowing, I shake my head as I look away and lower my gaze. I don’t want him to know what I was really thinking. I don’t want to give voice to those thoughts, fears, and pain.
“Maria and Haris, can you please give us a few minutes?” Luke asks, and I look up sharply at the hardness in his voice. Not to mention that he said their real names instead of ‘ γιαγι? και παππο?? (grandma and grandpa)’ like he normally does . They both get up without a word, and despite knowing that he’d never hurt me, I can’t stop sinking in on myself.
“Siren, please talk to me. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going through your head, though I have a pretty good idea based on how you shrunk in on yourself and the sparkle in your eyes disappeared. Please, Siren. Let me help you. You don’t have to carry that burden alone anymore.”
Tears prick my eyes and I swallow the lump in my throat as I shake my head and lower my gaze, staring at his chest. If I looked into his eyes, I might crack. “No. I don’t want to give voice to those thoughts. If I do, then it’ll be even worse.” My voice is barely a whisper, but I know he heard me because of how his muscles tense at my words.
He reaches out, grasping my chin and makes me look up at him. I try to advert my eyes, but they snap back to his as a growl emanates from his chest. “I will never judge you for your thoughts. You matter. Your thoughts matter. Your voice matters. You are safe with me, Mary. Now, please. Tell me what went through your head a moment ago.”
Tears well in my eyes and I bite back a sob that tries to escape. Taking a shuddery breath, I prepare myself for his reaction. Once he realizes how messed up in the head I am because of Stephan, this might be what pushes him over the edge and away from us.
“You don’t know the depths of what he did and said to shatter me and beat me down as much as possible. I never fully broke or submitted to him, but I came close too many times to count. As much as I don’t want to, I keep hearing all the lies he’s spewed over the years. I try not to listen to them, I really do try, but sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t know how to stop his voice from invading my thoughts. I knew my family would never abandon me, but I let his lies make me think they did. How do I make them stop? How long will I be hearing his voice whispering in my ear about every little thing someone says, does, or doesn’t do? How do I make them stop? Why won’t they stop?”
A sob rips out of my throat and this time, I can’t stop the tears from falling. Immediately, I’m wrapped in his arms. A moment later, he shifts and I feel his arm sliding under my knees as he picks me up and sets me down on his lap. Once again, shame rolls through me at my weight, even though he seems to not have any problem lifting or carrying me despite the number on the scale. His voice slithers through my mind that I might be crushing him because of my fat ass, but I force them back. Turning slightly, I bury my face in the crook of his neck as another sob breaks free and more fat tears roll down my cheeks like a current.
After a few minutes, my tears ease, though a few still escape. God, all it seems like I do lately is cry. Why is that?
“I think that’s a good thing, Siren. You haven’t been allowed to grieve, to decompress, and let things go before now. Honestly, I’d be more concerned if you didn’t cry.”
A groan escapes. I hadn’t meant to say that aloud.
“I’m sorry.”
He kisses my shoulder and hugs me tighter. “You have no reason to be sorry. The one that should be sorry is that jackass. Together we’ll beat his lies back, but you gotta let me in so I can help you. It will take a while, maybe even years, but you’ll get there someday. And if you want to see someone to help you through this, we’ll find someone for you to talk to.”
My chest warms at his words and I shove my previous worry of Luke walking away from us to the back of my mind. I need to relearn to trust him. To trust that someone else is there to help and support me. Maybe later, I should use the journals the ladies gave me. I don’t quite feel like I want to tell someone else everything that Stephan’s done to me, plus, I’m not sure how that would all work with so many cases being brought against him.
After a few moments, I pull back and wipe my face. He hands me a napkin, which I happily take and blow my nose.
“While we’re alone, there’s something else I want to talk to you about and it’s along these lines.” He pauses, grasps my chin and makes sure I’m looking at him. “Siren, you need to get rid of that mask you wear to hide your pain. If you aren’t ready to fully let it go, then at least don’t hide your pain with me. Please, Siren. Let me in and let me help you. You are not alone anymore. I’m here. Lean on me.”
My breath hitches and tears prick my eyes again at the amount of love shining out of his eyes. Directed at me. Me . The woman who has been beaten down more times than I can count. That he loves me, despite what I’ve been through because of Stephan, and that he loves my children as if they were his own. Is this finally my happily ever after, like in all the books I used to read as a kid and teenager? That I found someone who loves me for me despite being cracked and bent because of my past?
Shaking myself internally and refocusing on what he’d just said, I nod as I swallow thickly. “I’ll try, but please understand that it’ll take some time to get used to it. Please don’t get mad if I don’t even realize I’m wearing the mask. After nine years, it’s become my default, so to speak.”
He reaches up, running a thumb under my eye and wiping away another tear that had escaped. He cups my cheek and I close my eyes as I lean into his touch.
“Of course. And if I ever do get mad, please know it isn’t directed at you, Siren. It’s at that fucker that did this to you.”
He leans forward, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips before resting his forehead against mine. We sit like that for a few minutes and the more I relax against him, the more I feel the weight that was usually on my shoulders lifting.
Someone clears their throat and I jump slightly, looking over my shoulder. Both of my grandparents are standing at the other edge of the kitchen and living room, wrapped in each other’s arms, their eyes misty with unshed tears. A sliver of worry runs through me, and I really hope they didn’t hear all of that.
“Is it alright to come back in? There’s one other thing we’d like to discuss,” παππο?? (grandpa) says and my stomach tightens.
“Yeah, you can come back in,” Luke replies. He presses a kiss to my forehead and as they retake their seats, he repositions me slightly on his lap so I don’t have to strain my neck so much to look at them.
“ Λουλο?δι μου (My flower), I know this is hard and it’s okay if you haven’t decided yet, but we were wondering if you wanted to keep your old house or sell it?”
My breath hitches again and my stomach tightens. Black dots dance across my vision as the memory of πατ?ρα (dads) body splayed out on our living room floor, lying in a growing pool of blood. Diego’s words circle through my mind.
My body shifts and then hands grasp my cheeks.
“Mary, babe, I need you to take a deep breath, hold it, and then release it. You need to slow down your breathing, otherwise you might hyperventilate and pass out. Focus on my chest. Breathe with me, Mary.”
Sucking in a large breath, I do as he says, even though it’s hard as hell to concentrate with my mind going a million miles a second and my body tingling from the memories. After a few moments of breathing with Luke, my body sags against his.
“Sell,” I whisper as I close my eyes, my heart breaking that I’ll lose this last connection to πατ?ρα? (dad). “I want to sell our house.” I don’t think I’d ever be able to sleep a night there without nightmares plaguing me. Nor do I think I’d ever be able to be alone in the house without having a panic attack.
Things shifted between Patch and me after that conversation. While I still struggle from time to time, I do my best to not hide anything from him. It’s hard, really hard, after wearing a mask for nine years. A mask that hid all the emotions, hate, anger, pain, everything. I had to shut myself down in order to survive living with Stephan. The only times I had let that mask slightly slip was when he wasn’t home, and it was just the kids and me. Granted, I kept most things masked around them, but those were the only times I was able to be a sliver of my true self.
A rough hand grasps mine, bringing me out of my thoughts, and I look over at Patch. “It’ll be okay, Siren. We’ll be with you the entire time and your grandma and a few of your aunts as well as Sasha and the Old Ladies came today to help pack and wrap everything up. I’m sure you’d rather not have a bunch of bikers trying to be gentle with all those tchotchkes, trinkets, and knickknacks you used to collect.”
His distraction works and a chuckle escapes at the image of Bear, who I think has the largest hands I’ve ever seen, trying to delicately handle some of the more intricate figurines I’d bought at the fair the summer before my senior year. “No, I really don’t want them to handle those items.”
Taking a deep breath, I think about meeting my θε?ε? (aunts) —Catherine, Selena, and Sofia—again after so long. Knowing them, we’re all going to be in a hug pile for a few minutes as they cry and then they’ll fuss over me for a few minutes. Or at least that’s what happened in the past whenever anyone was injured, had surgery, or had a baby.
“What’s got you gnawing on that lip so badly it looks like it might bleed?”
At his words, I release my lip, not realizing I’d been biting it. Flipping down the visor, I wince when I see how badly it looks. “I didn’t even realize I was doing it,” I tell him as I reach into my pocket and put on some lip balm. Sighing, I shake my head. “I’m just worried about seeing my θε?ε? (aunts) again. What they’ll think when they learn what happened. If they’ll really treat me the same as before or if I’ll be on the sidelines looking in.”
Patch lifts my hand and kisses the back of it. “Trust me on this, Siren. They still love you and have missed you dearly. In fact, I think they may even be with us in wanting to make Stephan and anyone else that hurt you pay for what they did to you and the kids. Hell, I could see θε?α (Aunt) Catherine brandishing her kitchen blades and going after him herself.”
Another chuckle slips out at the mental image, and soon, laughter pours out of me. I can totally see her doing that, but she wouldn’t be alone. My other θε?ε? και θε?οι (aunts and uncles) would be right behind her. Though, my θε?ο (uncles) would have their guns rather than kitchen knives.
My gaze snags on the bikes in front of me as we round another corner, and I nervously lick my lips. “I’m sorry.”
Patch shoots me a confused look before focusing back on the road. “What for?”
“If it weren’t for my injuries, you’d be out there riding with them. Who knows when we’re gonna get snow and then you’ll have to wait for spring.”
His hand tightens on mine and I sheepishly look over at him. He pins me with a hard look.
“Mary, I would take riding in a cage the rest of my life if it meant always riding with you. Could I have had a Prospect drive you? Yeah, I could have, but I wanted to be the one driving you. I will always choose you, Mary. Always.”
My heart beats frantically at the amount of love I see in his eyes, and I smile as my worries melt away.
Turning forward, my smile slips as we round the corner to the street I used to live on. My gaze automatically zeros in on my old house and stays there. In particular, the living room window. Patch parks in the driveway, but I make no move to unbuckle as I stare at our living room window. Memories threaten to bombard me, but I need to do this.
Taking a deep breath, I nod, more to myself than anything. “I can do this. I can do this,” I whisper to myself as I unbuckle the seat belt. Patch squeezes my hand and then he climbs out before rounding the hood and opening my door. He tosses the keys to someone behind us, and I look over my shoulder to see Alexei and Ethan unloading my chair out of the back of the truck.
“Park my truck on the street and then you guys can back in two of the vans.”
Alexei catches his keys and when they have my chair unloaded, Patch picks me up and sets me inside it. Alexei shuts my door and moments later, he slides in behind the wheel, waiting till we’re out of the way before doing as Patch said. Shit, I need to remember to call him Patch now that we’re around the club again. That’s another thing I’m struggling to remember, but it’s getting better.
“How about we go in through the garage?” he suggests, and I nod silently as I wheel into the garage, only taking my gaze off the living room window when I can no longer see it.
My chest warms when I notice a ramp has already been set up for me and I ride up it into our old mudroom. Then, my breath hitches when the space which normally held πατ?ρα (dads) shoes and coats is empty.
“We packed up some things when Brady and I stayed here when the house was released back to us from the cops in case anyone tried to break in. Neither of us stayed in your dad’s room, but we put his things that were down here in his room. Brady took the spare room, and I took your room.”
Continuing down the hallway, the ball of nerves in my stomach grows when I can hear my θε?ε? (aunts) and γιαγι? talking in Greek and then my stomach grumbles when I smell the delicious scents coming from the kitchen. Chuckling softly, I shake my head. I should have known they’d have food made up for today.
As I round the corner, their talking stops when they see me. Wheeling further into the room, I stop about halfway between the table and the kitchen counter. I purposefully don’t look toward the living room for fear that I’ll have another panic attack.
Patch rests his hand on my shoulder, giving me a slight squeeze. My θε?α (aunt) Catherine is the first to break out of her shock and tears well in her eyes as she wipes her hands on a towel that’s hanging from the string of her apron that’s wrapped around her waist.
“Oh, Mary, το γλυκ? λουλο?δι του τ?τλου μα? (our sweet little flower),” she says as she rushes forward and wraps her arms around me.
Seconds later, I feel the rest of their arms wrap around us, and their murmured words of love and support have the dam, once again, breaking in me.
It feels like hours pass, but has probably only been a couple of minutes, when they pull back and we all dry our eyes. Looking around, I’m relieved when I see Patch standing back in the hallway, and I know he’s kept the others out to allow us these few minutes alone.
Once again, my heart warms at his gesture, knowing what I needed without me even having to say anything. I know I probably sound like a million broken records by now, but God, I’m so lucky to have found him again.