Chapter 4
A month later
It was our first day on set, and I was excited and nervous to finally meet the other cast members. Alex had run into financial hurdles and had to delay the series by over a year, but everyone in the cast was able to continue with the project in spite of the new timeline.
That part of it was difficult for me, honestly.
I had a lot more going on in my life this year than I did last year.
I was a full-time student, and that was only the beginning of my endeavors.
I was in the middle of organizing two concerts and a charity fundraiser.
The series should have been finished by now, but instead, we were just arriving on set.
My anxiety had been difficult lately. I assumed it was to be expected since I had so much going on in my life.
I had just finished finals in time to make it here.
I wanted to play this role and continue to do all the things I had committed myself to, but I couldn't stop my body from becoming overwhelmed with the physical effects of anxiety.
It had been hitting me in waves, on and off, all day today.
We traveled to Montana, and then we had dinner and a meet and greet with the cast and crew.
I smiled and pretended nothing was the matter.
Inside, I felt like I was dying, though.
I tried to tell myself that I wasn't scared of this series and that everything would go well.
I didn't feel scared in my mind. But my body was betraying me, and I felt the physical effects of fear even though I was doing a good job of keeping my thoughts positive.
I was mad at myself for being so weak. I wanted to live a normal life and be able to carry out the tasks I had committed myself to.
I would go from having a normal conversation with someone to looking around for the nearest exit and wondering how long it would take an ambulance to make it to me.
The sick, urgent feeling would fall upon me suddenly.
It was physical, but it felt so bad that my mind followed it.
With the way my body was feeling, I would begin to imagine a whole scenario where I had to be air-lifted off the property in a scene of medical chaos.
I would entertain these extreme thoughts for a moment, and then I'd have to talk myself into imagining something pleasant so that my heart rate could go back down.
I was exhausted from the internal battle, but I refused to let it beat me, so I agreed to go to the next town with a group of people after dinner that evening.
We would leave soon, but I was fighting another one of those waves at the moment.
I shared a trailer with my sister, and we had the tiniest bathroom.
I was standing at the sink, looking at my reflection in the mirror.
On the outside, I appeared to be a normal, healthy young woman.
So why did my body feel like this? I had been through this enough that I knew I was not actually sick, so I did my best to push those thoughts out of my mind.
"Bye, have fun tonight!" I heard my sister yell through the bathroom door.
"Are you going somewhere?" I said through the door. My voice was chipper and cheery and didn't at all reflect how I felt at the moment.
"Yeah, just for a walk. I'll probably go to the creek, and maybe the horse barn."
"Okay, I'll see you when I get back, then," I said, trying to speak like a normal person.
It must've worked because Amelia told me that she loved me, and then she left. I heard when the trailer door opened and closed, and I peered out to see that I was alone. My body was buzzing with unwanted rushing adrenaline, and I instantly called Jacob, hoping for a grounding force.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hey," I said in a tone that reflected my weakness.
"What's up?" he said.
I could tell he knew something was wrong with me.
"I'm, I've just been struggling today."
"I thought you were good," he said.
"I just texted you that because, you know, we made it here fine. The flight was good and everything, and I couldn't explain. But it's been a tough one today."
"What's been so tough?" he said.
"You sound mad."
"I'm not mad, I'm just… what's been bad, Ty?"
"My symptoms. That feeling. It was on the side of my neck, and my arm was weak and everything."
He let out a long sigh. "It's just a panic attack, Trinity."
"I know, but it's basically all day, and it just makes me feel like… could there be something more wrong with my body? Should I go have scans or something?"
"I don't know. Sure. Make an appointment."
"I don't want you to tell me that. That freaks me out even more."
"How am I supposed to know what you want me to say?" he asked.
"Just tell me been through this before and everything's gonna be okay."
"You have been through this before, Ty. Too much. You need to stop getting yourself worked up like this."
"I need to stop? Don't you think I would if I could?"
"I thought you said you went to dinner with the cast."
"I did."
"And you got through that, didn't you?"
"Yeah. I mean, it was hard, and I had to leave twice and go put ice on my back."
"But still, you made it. And no one knew you were even having trouble. You're able to fake it in front of them."
"I am, but it's hard."
"I know, but if it were something real, you wouldn't even be able to fake it."
"What are you trying to say?" I asked.
"Look, you wanted me to tell you you're fine, and you are. This is like the eightieth time we've done this. You need to stop for your own health."
I felt fear and dread well up inside of me like a hot, gushing sensation.
"Well?"
"Yeah, you're right," I said stiffly.
"Seriously, though, if you can't handle these situations, you shouldn't get yourself into them. Maybe it's time to stop."
"Stop what?" I said, feeling hurt and angry.
"Stop putting yourself in situations that make you do this. If it freaks you out to go act in a movie, don't do it. If it freaks you out to put on a concert, don't do it."
"It doesn't freak me out, Jacob, it's just my body. My mind is fine."
"Your mind is not fine, or you wouldn't be calling me asking me if you should sign up for medical scans, Ty.
I don't know how you can be fine in front of other people and then your body just suddenly shuts down when you talk to me.
" He spoke in a spiteful tone, like he was actually taking it personal, which was unbelievable when all I wanted was compassion.
My body was already buzzing, and the defensiveness and anger I felt at his words caused the symptoms to worsen.
"You're not helping," I said in a serious tone. My eyes were stinging and full of tears.
"What's not helping?" he said. "I'm being honest. You're able to function and go through your life. Did you go to that dinner with everybody?"
"Yes."
"See? You only melt down with me. If you can pull yourself together in front of other people, then nothing's wrong with you. If you were really sick, you'd be sick all the time."
I took a deep breath, trying to stay patient even though my body was humming. "I'm thankful for your sake that you have no idea what I'm going through," I said, feeling like my chest could catch on fire.
"I wish you could hear yourself," he said with no patience whatsoever.
"I can hear myself," I said. "I can hear myself perfectly. You have no idea what's going on inside my body."
"You say that every time you're like this. I bet it has to do with your period."
Maybe his words were logical, but to me they sounded heartless and judgmental. My anger flared. "You're actually being no help at all," I said, trying to endure the physical throbbing.
"What does your sister say about it?"
"I haven't told her."
"See? Why not? Why am I the only one you take this out on?"
"Because, Jacob. This is my true self. I have to work so hard to hold myself together for everyone else that I'm hoping I can just be honest with someone in my life. I thought that was you. The fact that you think of it as me taking it out on you is hilarious."
"So, let me get this straight. You're honestly just super sick, but you hide it in front of everyone else and only let it show to me?"
"I can tell by your phrasing that you're trying to be backhanded about it."
"How?" he said.
"You're pointing out that I'm… I don't know what you're trying to point out.
You're trying to make me feel bad about coming to you for help when I need the opposite of that.
I called because I needed your help. I need you to tell me to get back in there, that I've got this, and I can do it, and that I can get through this. "
"You can, Ty, but you don't need me to tell you that every time. If all this stuff is too hard mentally, just quit. They'll find someone else to play your role. Life goes on."
I felt resentment that he couldn't just encourage me. "Well, I'm not quitting, so I guess I'll just talk to you later when I feel like talking about something else."
There were a few long seconds of silence, and then he said, "You should talk to your sister about it."
"I'm not talking to Amelia. She's just going to start talking about God. That's where she's at now. She was supposed to come with me tonight, and now she ran off to read her Bible."
"Where are you going tonight?"
"Judd and Cameron and some of the others are going to the nearest town… to hang out or whatever. I think some of them are playing pool. All I know is that Amelia's not going anymore."
"Are you going?" he asked.
"Probably," I said, feeling defiant.
"See? If you can do that, then what's the point of all this?"
"Thanks, I can see you don't understand. You can't feel inside my body, but thanks."
"You say that every time, and nothing ever happens to your body. You went to the hospital for it before, and they told you it was just anxiety."
"Yeah, but that felt different than…" I hesitated because I knew I wasn't getting anywhere with the conversation.
I hung up with Jacob feeling frustrated, but honestly, he had told me what I needed to hear.
He was right. Nothing ever happened to my body.
I was going to live to see another day in spite of feeling like my body might spontaneously combust. I wondered if it was possible to stop your own heart with worry, and then I told myself that was ridiculous.
If my heart was going to stop from worry, it already would have by now.
I don't know if it was to prove Jacob wrong or to prove him right, and I honestly don't know if Jacob had anything to do with it at all, but either way, I kept my plans and went out with everyone.