Chapter 14
Six months later
It was December, and the last year of my life had been so very busy.
I had a couple of weeks to catch my breath before I started my last few months of college.
I technically wouldn't be finished after next term, but during the last year, I had made adult wages as a promoter and content producer, and honestly, school was cutting into my work time.
I would finish the next term, but not my degree.
I was close to graduating, and my parents thought it was a shame, but I figured I could go back and complete it later if I decided to.
For now, I had a couple of weeks to relax and reflect.
I had just put on the biggest concert event of my young career.
It was the John Mayer event that had been in the works while I was starring in the series, and it had been all I could do to juggle the responsibilities I had for Alex and the ones I had as an event promoter.
I also had sorority responsibilities on top of that.
My sister had come in clutch. She was willing to help me with any of it when I fell behind.
She would also help me learn my lines throughout the entire series.
Amelia was diligent and on top of things with learning and rehearsing, helping me and encouraging me.
Without her, the last year of my life would have been extremely difficult, and I would not have gone through it with as much success as I did.
That was why the next few days would hurt so bad.
Amelia was leaving me for good. We had been together since childhood, and I was dreading this day.
I could not believe it was here. I would have to learn to go on without my sister, and the thought of it was gut-wrenching.
I knew she loved me, but she was in love with a man, and that was a feeling she had to follow.
Amelia was chomping at the bit to go back to Montana and be with Henry on the ranch.
She was leaving before dawn tomorrow under the pretense that it was just a trip to visit him.
She would tell you that she would probably be back before long, but I knew that wasn't going to happen.
Henry was planning a surprise wedding, and tomorrow, after an impossibly long day of driving, my sister would marry a man and stay in a different state forever.
She knew nothing of the surprise wedding, and it was all I could do to hold it in since we had been planning it for over a month.
I was happy to be going to the ranch again.
Oh, who was I kidding? My happiness was far overshadowed by the fact that I was losing my sister.
I couldn’t act like I was torn up about it, though.
One, I couldn’t tell her about the wedding, and two, I wasn't going to let on how much losing her would hurt me.
She would miss me, too, and we would deal with those feelings later.
I couldn't let myself be sad in front of her.
That was easier said than done.
I saw her sitting in her spot on the couch the night before she left, and I found that it was difficult to hold it together.
She was reading that old, torn-up Bible, and the sight of her there was just so warm and comforting that I felt like bawling my eyes out.
I had to work to hold it in. I flashed a fake smile at her when she looked up at me.
"Aw, come here, sister," she said, holding her arms out.
She must've known I was barely holding it together. I jogged to her, knowing the motion would distract both of us. I plopped down on the couch, hugging her, and curling up where she couldn’t see my face.
I knew my eyes were full of tears, and I knew that was why she called me over in the first place.
"I'm just going on a trip," she said, thinking it was true.
"I know," I said, playing along.
"I hope I can hold it down over here. You're my wise sister. I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm only wise because of this book," she said, gesturing with her Bible.
"No, you were wise before that. You've always been the one talking me out of trouble."
She laughed. "Being scared of trouble and being wise are two different things.
It's not that I think I'm so wise now, though—I just have access to wisdom.
It's like that sign in the library that says, 'Next to knowing is knowing where to find out,' and I feel that.
I don't have the answers, but they're all in here. " She gestured to that Bible again.
"You seem so confident."
"I am. It's amazing. It's like the instruction book for…
you know… if you wanted to learn how to fix a car, you go to a mechanic book or if you want to learn to paint, you can get a book about painting, but our soul, our mind, our inward person, this is the book for that.
Psalm 23 says He restores my soul. Isn't that beautiful?
That a soul can be restored? That can happen by the words in this book. "
"That's crazy," I said, not getting it while at the same time wanting what she had. "Maybe if I had one like that, I would read it. I need to look for one that's all marked up, so I know what parts to read."
She laughed. "She has just about the whole thing highlighted, but I know what you mean. Ms. Donna was so nice to give me this. Her giving it to me and checking up on it did make me feel compelled to read it. She was holding me accountable."
"I don't know if I would like that," I said, thinking about it.
"You would. It's good. It feels good, and it's good for you. It's like working out. It's hard to make yourself do it sometimes, but it's worth it, and it makes you feel really good."
"I just don't know if I can get it. Is it like that? Christianity? Where some people can get it and some can't? I feel like I don't get it."
"Some accept Christ, and some don't, but it’s not His will that anyone should perish."
"Parish? See, it's all so formal and morbid."
"No, it's the opposite of morbid. I have no fear of death. If I make it seem unappealing, then I'm doing a bad job of representing it because it's great."
I was quiet for a long minute. I didn't know what to say to that, so I just rested there with her.
"So, this book's an instruction book for your soul?" I asked, finally. "Like anxiety?"
"Yes," she said, smiling and sounding excited at my interest.
***
My sister left that Bible in the kitchen for me.
I found it, along with a note, when I woke up the following morning, and of course, I cried. I cried even though I would be seeing her later that evening.
She must've left at like four in the morning. I got up at seven, and she was already in Reno. I would fly to Montana today and beat her there. So would the rest of our family. The plan was to be waiting at the ranch when she arrived, and we would all take part in the impromptu wedding ceremony.
I tried to have a level head, but thoughts warred in my mind. It had been that way in the last few days leading up to this trip. I was happy for Amelia, and ultimately, I thought everything would work out fine, but it was a lot for me to take in, and I was doing my best to stay calm and collected.
It was on the trip to Montana when things changed for me.
I was traveling by myself because I was the only one coming from San Francisco. I first had to fly to Salt Lake City, and the lady beside me fell asleep the second we took off. I had packed light, but I brought that Bible with me, so I opened it. I asked God to show me something.
I used my thumb to fiddle with the edges of the pages, and it opened naturally to a place near the middle of the Bible.
I realized there was a piece of paper in there with a note from my sister.
It was marking the place of Psalm 23, which was the part about restoring the soul.
She left a note. I smiled because there was no way I would have remembered how to find that part.
The instructions she gave me on the note said to read Psalm 23 and then to turn to page 1064 and read the Gospel according to John.
I did what she recommended.
The lady next to me slept, and for the next hour, I read.
I read every word intently, not taking my eyes from the pages for a full hour.
I was so enthralled that I got startled when the flight attendant made the announcement that we would be preparing to approach the airport in Salt Lake City.
I was at the part where Lazarus had died, and I smiled and nodded at the lady next to me before turning back to the book to finish the story.
I was right at the part when Lazarus was about to be raised from the dead.
I knew it was going to happen because the chapter heading I had just read said it was.
I finished the last few paragraphs where Jesus told him to come out, and Lazarus walked out of his tomb wearing his grave clothes.
The next subtitle said 'the plot to kill Jesus', and I reluctantly put it away.
The words from a previous page were playing over and over in my mind. It was Jesus talking, and he said that whoever believes in Him shall never die. It was written in plain English, and it made perfect sense.
All I had to do was believe.
Everything I had read made so much sense.
How could I have gone through life judging it and thinking it was weird?
I felt a crushing sense of regret for the time I had wasted not being able to see how important this book was.
And then I felt a sudden sense of relief and joy at the idea that all I had to do was believe.
Could it really be that simple? It was a question that was at the forefront of my mind.
So much that I couldn't wait to read more during my next flight.
This flight was to my destination of Butte, and it was slightly shorter than my last one, so I planned to read the whole time.
The lady next to me was in the mood to talk, and she made conversation with me from the moment we got settled in our seats.
After an array of questions, I mentioned the Bible, and she seemed eager to talk about that.
She was knowledgeable about it, and she confirmed what my sister said about finding relief and peace for her soul.
Nothing happened, and there was never a big moment when I felt changed or transformed, but I believed, and something inside me knew it was real, and that was all I had to do.
I simply believed. I didn't take a class or get a license.
I didn't get a notification that said my life was different from now on.
All I did was believe, and it was enough. I felt in my heart that it was enough.
I was light-minded and seemed to be functioning in a different plane than I had been before.
My mindset had changed. My perspective had changed.
I didn't know how yet, but I could perceive that my life was better.
It was all so new that I couldn't make much sense of it yet. I couldn’t understand how it would play out practically or how my life would change.
I just knew I felt different. My mind felt changed in a good way, in a way that brought relief.
I thought about what Amelia said about 'next to knowing is knowing where to find out', and I smiled, understanding how important this book was.
I felt like I would never be alone, and that was such a priceless assurance on a day when I woke up feeling quite the opposite. It was a sweet turn of events.
I got into the car my dad had arranged to pick me up at the airport, and I was smiling about life and Heaven and the Lazarus story.