Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
JETT
It all came rushing back to me.
Sitting with Connic’s and Watson’s families was difficult, but it still didn’t compare to the onslaught of pain and sorrow I felt when I finally stood over their resting places.
I’d heard their cries of pain and pleas for mercy time and time again in my nightmares.
Those had been torture, just like the days we spent in captivity.
But as I looked down at their names and the dates they died engraved on their headstones—side by side—the reality that crashed into me was almost more than I could bear.
“They’re gone.”
My knees hit the ground as the vivid details of our last few days together flashed through my mind. How many times would I have to relive those moments that took three of my friends’ lives and tried to steal mine, along with Dusty’s?
“When will the suffering go away?”
I glanced up at Patience, who stood to my side as tears streamed down my cheeks, hoping she’d have the answer. She knelt beside me, circling her arms around me, and began a soothing rocking motion.
“I don’t know the answer to that, but I would take it all away for you if I could.”
She stopped her movements. One hand came to my face and softly brushed the tears away. “I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Talk to them. You came for a reason, honey.”
Looking at my wife, I knew she was right. I needed this—to move forward. So I could have the life with her and Griffin that I had always wanted. But how was that fair when my friends would never have that? That was the part I couldn’t get past.
“To say goodbye,” I whispered, finally admitting out loud that it was time.
Patience shook her head. “Not goodbye. Just until you see them again.”
When she released me and started to stand, I panicked. Grasping her hand, I pleaded, “Please don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
Believing her, I released her, and she moved behind me, resting both hands on my shoulders. She’d told me earlier I wouldn't have to do this without her, and my wife meant every word. Patience had stood by my side all day long.
With her warmth, compassion, love, and support at my back, I broke.
“I’m so fucking sorry that I couldn’t save you guys.” Agony sliced through my heart like a knife. “I tried; I promise I did. I tried to get them to stop. If only my actions to get them to concentrate on me worked, maybe you both could have hung on.”
I faintly felt Patience's hands tighten on my shoulders, but I was so caught up in the moment—the remorse and memories—that I wasn’t able to shield her from what was pouring out of me. Trying to swallow the lump of emotion in my throat hadn’t been easy. But nothing about the day was.
“You guys didn’t deserve what happened to you. Your time on this earth was way too short, and I can’t help but wonder what I could have done differently so you could be here with me now.”
My body shook as tears continued to stream down my face. I wasn’t embarrassed by them, but I did wonder for a second if they would ever stop.
“I met your families today, and they miss you so much. Just like I do.” My voice hitched. “They said they don’t blame me for anything, but how could they not? I’m here and both of you are gone.”
Tears burned a trail down my throat, and I swallowed.
“Why am I alive?”
I was unable to stop the flow of thoughts and things that came out of my mouth. I was hurting, not really thinking straight. Something splattered on my face from above me and I heard a sob rip free from my wife’s lungs—grabbing my attention.
Reaching up, I grasped one of her hands and pulled her in front of me. Moving to sit on my ass, I brought her down into my lap sideways and wrapped her in my arms.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” I told her softly. “I didn’t mean to make you sad. I just want them here too.”
Looking into her eyes, I knew why I was alive.
“I-I k-know,” she said, trembling in my arms. “I j-just can’t l-lose you.”
Hugging her against my chest like I had earlier that morning, I whispered softly to her. “You won’t. I’m right here, and I love you so much.”
I’d never told Patience she was the reason I was alive. This trip was so hard that I forgot some of that as I stood bearing my soul to the men I’d lost.
“Roo, you’re the reason I am here. You are why I survived.”
She gasped, pulling out of my embrace a bit to look at me again.
“When I couldn’t handle hearing my friends' pain or the beatings I received, I thought of you. You and Griffin. You both got me through.”
Looking at me with big eyes, she asked, “Really?”
Grabbing one of her hands in mine, I placed our palms over my heart. “I don’t know if I could have gone on if I hadn’t been able to just close my eyes and think of you. Everything about you was bright and good, while I was living in hell.”
Her nails curled into my chest at the intensity of my words, her gaze never leaving mine for a second. We stared at each other for a beat, my heart pounding under her touch.
“Sweetheart, you were my lifeline.”
As tears trickled down both our cheeks, I leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips, our salty emotions combining on our tongues.
Turning back to the headstones, I began talking to my buddies once again, with my wife nestled next to me.
“God, you guys were fucking amazing friends. And that’s saying something, considering I have some phenomenal men back home surrounding me daily.” My chest pinched under Patience’s hand. “I wish you could meet them. They would have liked you both. The ladies too. Although they’re all taken.”
That thought pulled a smile from me.
Everything I’d said was true. Since coming home, I’d been closed off, but maybe it was time to share the good memories of what I lost with my family back home.
“I do want you to meet one person though. This is my wife, Patience.”
She stiffened for a second. as if not knowing what to do, but she didn’t have to do anything; I kept talking.
And it actually felt good.
“Yeah, the woman I talked about for years is my wife now. Can you believe she actually married me? And we have a son, Griffin. You know, Champ, I chatted about both of them endlessly.”
I found myself wanting to question the beauty beside me about my suspicions regarding why she was sick that morning so I could share it with my friends, but it wasn’t the right time. Maybe one day we would all come back.
The thought of sharing my whole family with my buddies made my heart ache, knowing that they’d never be physically around to meet them. Yet, I also felt a bit lighter just talking to them and sharing at all.
But the guys would be teasing me right now if they were with me. I could practically hear them in my head, giving me shit. Maybe saying silly things to her like if she got tired of me, they were available, or what was the poor girl thinking. Again, it felt so much like our group back home.
I’d been lucky to have these guys in my life, just as I was lucky for the people I still had.
When I didn’t say anything else for a second, my wife did.
“Hi.” She blew out a breath. “Thank you for being there for my husband. I don’t know what Griffin and I would do without him.”
Her words choked me up again.
“I’m not going to let you find out,” I told her softly.
For the second time that day, I helped Patience off my lap and we both stood, silently staring down at the resting places of two remarkable men. It had been a rollercoaster of a day, and while I made it through this one, there was still another one coming that I knew would be just as hard.
“I guess it’s time for us to take off. Tomorrow, I’m headed to talk with Ryan’s family and him. But you guys all take care of each other.”
My heart pounded as I worked up the nerve to walk away.
Leaving them made it feel more final, and that was something I was still struggling with, even if I was beginning to believe the trip was therapeutic—as my therapist would say.
Patience ran her hand up and down my back, her touch both soothing and supportive.
Raising my right hand to my forehead, I saluted my brave friends. When I dropped it, my wife slipped her palm into mine and entwined our fingers.
As we began walking away together, I gave one last, long glance at the headstones…
And whispered, “Until I see you again.”
“Because you loved me.”
Patience stirred against me. “Hmm?”
I’d been lying in bed, just staring at my wife for probably an hour. The events of the day before had worn both of us out, so I was doing my best not to wake her. She’d held me all night long, letting me know she would fight my fight with me and always be by my side.
Struggling not to touch her, I found myself murmuring softly instead.
Only I’d ended up waking her anyway.
Her silky, smooth leg hooked over my thigh, and she snuggled as close as she could get. After she planted a kiss on my bare chest, she mumbled against it, sending goosebumps trickling across my skin.
“Were you whispering sweet nothings to me?” Her eyes fluttered open, and her head tipped up so she could meet my gaze. “Are you trying to butter me up?”
Silent laughter rumbled in my chest.
“Maybe.” I cocked a brow. “Is it working?”
Giving me a flirty smile, she answered by copying me. “Maybe.”
I loved her playful side, but I did really want her to know why I’d said what I had. We’d come home from our emotional day, ate, and then we stayed in bed just holding one another. All I could think about, when sleep wouldn’t come, was I couldn’t have gotten through anything without her.
Like I’d told her while we stood mourning my friends, I got through those tragic filled days because of her, but that wasn’t all. She’d been rescuing me—just like she’d told me she would in the beginning—since the day I came home.
“Because you loved me,” I repeated softly, reaching up to caress her cheek. “It’s your love that changed me for the better at eighteen. It’s your love that got me through the days when I thought I would die. And it’s your love that saved me from myself after I came home.”
Tears fell onto my fingers resting on her cheek.
“Don’t cry, Roo.” I leaned in and kissed her sweet lips. “I just needed you to know.”
As she rubbed her leg up and down my calf, I watched as she tried to gain her composure before she could talk.
“It’s because you loved me too that I wasn't alone the day I had Griffin. Because I had a real family, starting with you and my son. Your love is what always gets me through the rough times.”
Speechless for a moment but needing her to know how I felt, I slanted my mouth over hers and tried to pour all my feelings into the kiss. Her tongue met mine stroke for stroke as we explored each other's mouths, our breaths mingling as one.
Morning breath be damned, my wife still tasted as sweet as honey.
Then all of a sudden, her lips ripped from mine, and she was rolling away from me as she jumped off the bed and ran toward the bathroom. I was hot on her heels, following, but as I reached her, she already had her head hung over the toilet—for the second morning in a row.
This is why they call it morning sickness, dumbass.
I pulled her hair away from her face, gathering it in one hand, and with my other, I began gently rubbing the back of her neck.
Patience may not have confirmed it, but I knew what was happening. I wanted her to come to me and talk about it.
To be as excited as I was feeling about…
Having our baby.