Misha
Getting to spend time with Mila was a breath of fresh air, but it only confirmed that she’s not the one I struggle to breathe without anymore.
In my excitement to see my friend in New York, I didn’t even think about how Abby’s absence would affect me.
Next time, I’ll just bring her along. There’s no need to be without her for this long ever again.
If I had it my way, I would carry her in my pocket.
I thought it was the distance that made it so difficult, but even her being with Ellie yesterday hurt.
Thatcher and Mila deserve an award for surviving their long-distance relationship.
And I understand now why Mila sent me with Thatcher in the first place.
I know it kills her to be apart from him, so she sent the very best she could in his place.
I’m as good as an extension of her anyway.
I don’t have that luxury when it comes to Abby, though, because there’s nobody I would trust to protect her.
She obviously doesn’t share in my need to be connected at the hip, considering she didn’t get back from Ellie’s until after midnight.
If you don’t stop pouting, your face is going to be stuck in a permanent frown.
I roll my eyes as Mila’s words play through my head.
I know I need to stop grumbling. I’m genuinely happy Abby and Ellie have hit it off so well.
It’s more than Ellie helping guide her through the transition into a “mob wife.” My girl seemed so lost when we met.
Ellie Santori is as pure as they come, and I couldn’t wish for Abby to find a better friend.
I’m just going to have to learn how to share her. I’ll have to share her with our kids too, and considering how many I plan on putting in her—
“I didn’t think you’d be up so early.” Abby’s soft voice carries through the living room like music to my ears. “I mean, I knew you woke up early, but I didn’t realize it was before the sun came out.”
“I’m surprised you’re awake. You didn’t get in until a few hours ago.”
I wince when she immediately stiffens up.
It’s been my job for years to read people, and Abby has been acting odd since I got back from New York.
I don’t know what’s been troubling her yet, but I know commenting on her comings and goings will only make things worse.
I give her my softest smile and extend a hand, welcoming her to join me on the sofa.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” To my relief, she accepts my gesture and bridges the gap between us, taking a seat beside me, but it’s not close enough.
“Nothing to apologize for, darling. It would seem that I don’t sleep well without you.” I drape a blanket around her shoulders and pull her closer, delighting in how she melts into my side.
“Same,” she whispers, nuzzling against me. “I woke up, and you weren’t in bed. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t, so I just thought I would get up, make some coffee, and watch the sunrise.”
Her affection feels genuine for the first time in days, and my doubts fade as I tighten our embrace. When she smiles up at me as I kiss the top of her head, I start to think maybe I’ve made it all up.
“That’s why I’m up too.” I smile, then motion toward the pot of freshly brewed coffee. “And coffee is ready.”
“Eeek!”
Her squeal startles me briefly before I see the sheer joy on her face. I’ve noticed that she always drains the pot I make her in the mornings, but I didn’t realize coffee was this exciting. Laughing, I leave Abby on the couch and make quick work of pouring us both a mug.
Living without Mila is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and for the most part, I’ve been successful in learning how to manage without her. I do miss our sunrises together, though, and I can’t deny how nice it would be to have someone to watch them with again.
“Would you like to join me on the veranda? I always preferred the view outside. It’s something—”
“About the fresh morning air.” She finishes my sentence and stands with her blanket still wrapped snugly around her. “Yes, let’s cuddle up out there instead.”
We sit in silence for a while, enjoying our morning caffeine and bundling up in the blanket.
The beginning of fall is still hot as the devil here in Thunder Bay, but the mornings have a nip to them.
It’s one of the reasons I enjoy it so much.
Despite the fact that I’ve lived here, I relish the bite that comes along with those last moments of night.
Maybe Abby feels the same. Coming from Canada, she must be struggling with the warmer weather as well.
“I used to watch the sun rise with my parents,” she whispers as the very first light of dawn spreads across the horizon.
A single tear falls from her eye, and I gently wipe it away, then kiss her cheek. “Mila and I would watch the sun rise every morning. We’ve probably counted over ten thousand.”
“Oh. That’s nice.” Her voice is curt as she stiffens up, shifting away from me and letting go of my hand.
We stay like this until the sun is well into the sky, still technically cuddled up but without the previous intimacy.
This is longer than I would have ever stayed to watch, but I can’t bring myself to move.
Whatever was bothering her yesterday hasn’t magically disappeared, and I dread the distance that will inevitably come between us the moment I let her go.
“Well…I’d better get going.”
“Going? I thought I would get to spend the day with you.”
“We have all of next week.”
“Not really. You work.” Although you won’t need to for very much longer, unless you absolutely want to. “And the season is picking up, so I’ll be gone more with that.” But I would love it if you would come with me and be with me always.
“Fine, I’ll be back later. I just need to…take care of some things at my condo.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No!” Her tone is harsh as she stands, finally breaking our embrace. “I just need to be alone, okay?”
She tries to hold it together, but I see right through her facade. I’ve studied body language to the point it’s not really even fair, and I can tell she’s seconds away from tears. My poor girl.
“Abby…” Slowly standing, I reach out my hand, but she doesn’t take it.
The hurt in her eyes is obvious now more than ever, and I pull her into my arms.
“Oh my darling, please tell me what’s wrong.”
“I can’t.” She sniffles, plopping down onto the cushion.
After years of training to hide my emotions, I’m struggling not to smile during her time of distress. She’s just so adorable. I’ve also learned how to respond to someone who’s experienced trauma, so I pull myself together.
Slowly, I drop to the ottoman near where she’s seated. “You can always tell me anything, lesnaya.”
“It’s so stupid, though.”
“Humor me.”
She wipes the tears from her face and looks down at her fiddling thumbs. “It’s…um…mehaa.” The first part of her sentence is barely loud enough to hear, but the last word is completely illegible.“It’s what, darling?”
“Eaahh,” she mumbles.
“Abby, sweetie, I can’t hear you.”
“It’s Mila! Mila, okay?”
This time, her words are crystal clear, and I’m too stunned to respond.
My first thought is that Mila must have sent her some kind of NDA to sign in relation to the Bratva, or even a death threat of hurting me.
I wouldn’t put either beyond my friend. Mila is always two steps ahead of everyone, and with this being my first love…
fuck. Rubbing my temples, I sigh, bracing myself to undo whatever damage she’s created. “What has she done?”
“What do you mean?” Abby looks at me for the first time since she sat down, her brows pinched in confusion. “She hasn’t done anything.”
Now I’m the one confused. Well, at least after the relief that my dearest friend hasn’t singlehandedly run off the love of my life.
Nobody gets to threaten Abby and get away with it.
Not even Mila. I’m sure she will eventually run for the hills.
Try to run for the hills. But if Mila hasn’t done anything… why is Abby upset with her?
“I’m afraid I don’t understand what’s wrong…” I take her hands in mine and squeeze them gently. “Can you help me understand, sweet girl?”
Abby sighs, hanging her head again to avoid eye contact. “I told you it was stupid. I…I’m jealous. I’m jealous, okay? And it’s not your fault. That’s why I feel so silly. You haven’t done anything but cherish me at every turn, but just the mention of Mila makes me instantly irrationally jealous.”
Wow. I never even imagined how Mila’s and my relationship would threaten Abby, but of course I see where she’s coming from.
If the tables were turned, I would probably feel the same bouts of jealousy or more.
I was pouting like a toddler when she spent the day with Ellie.
And she’s a girl. Fuck, to anyone on the outside looking in, Mila and I absolutely fit the bill of a romantic couple.
We’ve been getting that assumption all our lives.
Hell, we’ve even pretended to be married countless times.
Our chemistry is undeniable, but there hasn’t been a second, an hour, a day that I’ve thought anything romantic about her.
Our relationship is familial, much like that of siblings, or even twins.
“Oh lesnaya…You’re not stupid or silly or anything.
I didn’t realize how Mila’s relationship came across, but with little context, it does seem as if it could be romantic.
That couldn’t be further from the truth, though.
We have a special bond, that is true. We grew up together and survived together.
But Mila is like a sister to me, and that is all.
This isn’t some stupid ‘oh she’s just a friend’ lame fuckboy line either.
I promise you this, Abby. You’ll understand more when you meet her. ”
“I know, I know…And I tried to be rational. But then I remembered you said you couldn’t live without your friend.
At the time, I thought your friend was a guy, which was kind of cute, but…
well, I’ve only felt that with one person, and they…
well, it hurts to realize the one they can’t live without is another woman. ”
Fuck…did I say it’s been hard to live without Mila out loud?
I mean, it was true. I felt like I lost half of myself when I left her in Russia.
We were codependent for decades, and I thought it would take years to learn how to function without her, but that wasn’t the case at all.
God, I feel like a fool for rambling on about how important she’s been in my life.
I don’t even think I made it clear how not romantic we actually are.
All Abby knows is that there’s been this woman there for me my entire life who I can’t live without.
I wish there was a way to pull her as closely as I want to, but even squeezing her to my heart isn’t enough. She lives there; she has to know it belongs to her. I’ll spend my life showing her how much she means to me.
“Oh, my love…there is a woman I can’t live without.
A woman whose absence makes it hard to breathe, and whose presence fills my heart with joy.
You give me a reason to live, lesnaya. My dreams, which were once filled with darkness, are now filled with hope.
I see a life filled with laughter and happiness.
Matching pajamas, trips with just the two of us.
Squabbles and makeup sex, tons of magnets for our fridge.
It’s going to be beautiful, darling. Full of love.
Full, I hope, of children and family. And it’s all because of you. ”
Tears well in her eyes once more as I kiss her brow, cupping her face in my hands and forcing her attention on me. I need her to see the truth in my eyes as she hears it.
“I love you, Abby.”