5 | Samaj #2
“Oh yeah?” I said, grabbing her and pulling her against my chest. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.” She said, trying to cover her face.
“You don’t have to be shy with me. Tell me what else you like.”
She looked at me with the most innocent face.
“Foot massages. You want to give me one pretty please?”
I’d never massaged a girl’s feet before, but here I was, more than happy to do it because Ms. Got-Samaj-in -a-chokehold Simone already had me wrapped around her finger. That damn Kadeem. I shook my head laughing at the thought.
She plopped down on the bed, and I grabbed my desk chair, rolling over until I was sitting in front of her.
“Yeah, I figured your feet were hurting by how slowly you were walking by the end of the night.” I said grabbing her feet to put in my lap and unzipping her boots one at a time to relieve her feet that were starting to get swollen.
“It was that obvious, huh? I was really trying to thug it out.”
“Yeah, you can’t be a thug all your life.” We both laughed. I don’t think I’d ever get tired of the sound of her laugh or the way her eyes squinted when she smiled.
“Thank you for bringing me here,” she murmured.
“It feels… special.”
“It is,” I said, my voice lower than I intended. “You are.”
Her gaze met mine, and time seemed to slow down. There was longing in her eyes, the same longing tugging at my chest. I wanted to reach for her, to close the distance, but instead, I remained still, letting the moment settle between us.
In that quiet space, surrounded by the pieces of who I used to be and who I was becoming, all I could think about was her and how easily she was becoming part of the life I’d always dreamed of building.
We ended up talking for hours, with her doing most of the talking. I didn’t mind. I still struggled with opening up and expressing myself.
As if it wasn’t already late into the evening.
We went from sitting to both lying down across the bed, her feet occasionally bumping mine.
She asked about my childhood; I asked about hers.
I didn’t share too much of my mom’s current state or the wedge that had been growing between my father and I, instead I shared the good old memories that we’ve made as a family.
The more she spoke, the more it made perfect sense that she was studying Human Services with a concentration on Child and Family Services. She had the biggest heart, whenever she asked a question, you could tell she genuinely cared about the answer.
At some point, she drifted off mid-sentence.
Her breathing evened out. Her hand relaxed beside mine. Her glasses slipped a little, and I gently removed them, placing them on the nightstand. I stared at her for a long moment before picking up my phone to pull up her contact.
Simone.
Nah. Not anymore.
I updated her name thoughtfully.
My Peace
Once done I locked my phone and lay down beside her. Not ready to fall asleep just yet, I stared up at the ceiling and whispered a quick prayer.
“Hey God, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, and I’d like to say that will change but I don’t want to lie to you.
It’s not that I don’t want to, but I still have so many questions which makes it hard for me to completely trust you.
I don’t understand how you operate. I don’t even understand what you want from me.
Shiloh was a much better person and had so much more life to live, but you took Him and I’m still here.
I’ve been miserable ever since and then you bring Simone into my life.
I’m not sure if I deserve someone like her.
If I’m honest, I’m a little worried that this is all too good to be true and one day you’ll take her away too.
That’s if she doesn’t choose to leave on her own.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… I need you. Please help me…in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
I woke up to Simone pushing me.
“Samaj, I know you didn’t really let us fall asleep. I have class in less than two hours.” She said, getting up to stretch. I followed her.
“My bad. You slept good though?”
“Mm-hmm. Wait…did you put a satin bonnet on my head?” She said, touching her head.
“I know how y’all women get about your hair so once you fell asleep, I had to go in my parent’s room and find one. This one is new. Feel free to keep it.”
“That was so freaking sweet!” She jumped on me without warning, giving me a huge hug. “Oh my gosh, I need to brush my teeth.” She said, suddenly self-conscious.
“Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything. You still fine, though. With a bonnet on, morning breath and all.”
She pushed me and I fell over laughing.
“That is not funny Samaj! I hope you have an extra toothbrush somewhere around here.”
I pulled her closer to me teasing her some more, “come on big baby. You want me to kiss you and show you how much I don’t care about none of that?”
She laughed, pushing my face away.
“Boy back up.”
I let her go. “But for real, you are beautiful in the morning.”
Her expression shifted a little—less guarded but still shy and playful.
“Thanks. And thank you for our date last night. I really enjoyed myself.”
“Anytime. Come on, there should be a pack of toothbrushes in the guest bathroom downstairs.”
After we both freshened up, I dropped her off and headed back home to meet with the realtor.
While my mom was in the hospital, my parents got into a few arguments that resulted in my mom asking for a divorce and to sell the house.
Selling the house wasn’t random. She had mentioned wanting to downsize once Shiloh and I moved out, but the divorce was a wrench thrown into the equation that I didn’t expect.
I felt like everything was spiraling out of control. Their last argument started after my dad agreed with the doctor on extending my mom’s stay for a few more days. They wanted to try to adjust her medication and needed to monitor her further, but my mom wasn’t trying to hear it.
I did my best to meditate, but it didn’t do any good. Later that day before leaving the hospital my dad and I sat outside and had a heart to heart.
“Whatever is going on with Mom is going to get better.” I said hoping to bring him some comfort even if I didn’t know what the outcome with her would be. She had changed so much but I would never forget the good parts of her, and I think that’s what he’d been holding onto.
“Things with your mom run much deeper than you know. It’s complicated but no matter what I don’t regret anything.
I would choose to love her in every lifetime, but now I have to learn to let her go.
I’m sorry you had to see so much. I tried to shelter you and Shiloh from it as much as I could.
I let myself become the bad guy so that you would never look at her differently.
I’m sure by trying to protect you I’ve hurt you over the years and I gotta live with that. ”
He paused and looked over at me for a long moment.
“It was never my intention. I just couldn’t see the damage I was doing up until now. She doesn’t see the damage she’s doing yet either but maybe one day she will. Maybe this will all just be a thing of the past and we’ll come out on the other side better.”