Chapter 20
DENNY
Not every aspect of hockey is the game. It’s not even organized practices alongside the game. It’s conditioning. Self-directed ice time. Mental exercises.
Today, I’m at the gym with my friends. As an added bonus, Kroy and Carson are here.
I’m glad. It’s been a while since we’ve gotten together regularly, so while Kroy and Carson are generally there to watch us and instruct us what to do—as if they know better than the hockey players who’ve been strengthening in the gym since we were children—it’s nice to have them around.
I get that it’s my fault it hasn’t been us as a group more than once since Ty’s been born. I even understand that Tyler doesn’t want to be considered ‘the help’ or whatever. But I feel guilty when I leave him alone with Ty so much. Even if the only time I do so is when I go to hockey.
On my drive to the team gym this morning, I entertained the idea that maybe it’s not just leaving Ty with Tyler while I’m out of the house for several hours at a time. Maybe I don’t want to leave him either.
“Hey,” Ren says as he sets his water bottle down with the rest of ours.
“You’re late,” Carson says, raising his eyebrows. “That’s unlike you.”
Ren raises one shoulder. I’ve determined that means he’s late because of something with Felton.
I’m not the only one who thinks this, though. Zenia asks, “Fel okay?”
Ren hums quietly in response as he sits on the mat and begins stretching his hamstrings.
“His cousin called this morning. She invited him to her daughter’s birthday party, and while she understood he wouldn’t attend if his parents did, she wouldn’t understand why he couldn’t put it all behind him to celebrate her kid.
Naturally, this had Felton questioning himself and his decision to remove himself from his family. ”
“That’s shit,” Kroy says, frowning.
Ren nods. “When I had him in the shower, metaphorically washing away the conversation and stress, I called her back and, respectfully, told her to fuck off and don’t call him again.”
“Man, I wish I could see that,” I say, grinning. “Ren all papa bear to protect his cub.”
“His cub,” Carson snorts. “Right.”
“Daddy/little boy is a thing. It’s an accurate enough statement,” I argue.
“Ren is totally Daddy, too,” Kroy says.
“Says you,” Zenia argues. “I’ve seen you with… him. You’re fucking Daddy vibes all day long.”
Kroy smirks but doesn’t comment.
I get to my feet and stretch my back and arms. Everything in me feels a little stiff today. Probably because Tyler has figured out how to pin me down while he fucks me. That’s a strain on my muscles that I was not expecting.
“How’s home?”
I look up at Ren’s question to find them all looking at me. Nodding, I answer, “It’s good.”
“Yeah? You doing okay with Ty?” Carson asks.
“Yep.” Silence settles around us as they continue to watch me. “What?”
“Don’t misunderstand the question—I’m glad if you’re actually doing okay. But it wasn’t long ago when you were freaking out about this life,” Carson says carefully.
“Yes,” I agree. A beat passes, and I know they’re waiting for more than that. “I… if Sally were alive, I think I would have eventually had the conversation with her and… walked away. Even if that makes me a shitty person.”
“I maintain that it’s a shittier person to stay in a situation that won’t give everyone involved a happy life,” Carson argues. “You know what it’s like growing up with miserable parents.”
I nod, thinking about a couple of specific moments that truly defined every single day of my childhood, and nod. “Yeah.”
“So… how do you actually feel?” Kroy prompts.
How much of what I feel is because of Tyler? Chewing my lip, I twist and reach for my water bottle, spraying water into my mouth to buy myself time and think about the question.
Eventually, I answer, “I can’t give him up.” My voice is quiet. “I just… he’s mine. My baby. I love him.”
Zenia grips my arm, and when I meet his eyes, he smiles. “I think we’re all happy to hear that.”
I hear the way his sentence leaves the impression that he’s not finished that thought, even if he doesn’t continue the sentence. The opening for but is clear.
“But does it mean I should keep him?” I finish for him, nodding. “Is it what’s best for Ty?”
His hand tightens on me for a minute. Giving me support. Then releases me.
“Even if I choose not to be his father, I won’t give him to child services. He’ll be with Tyler.”
“That gives you the confidence to try,” Ren infers.
“Yes. I’m tired. I feel slow and a little sluggish and sore and just…
mentally drained. But he’s beginning to stay awake for longer minutes and look at me.
He’s a happy baby. I do have help, even if it makes me feel guilty that Tyler never has the opportunity to leave the house, and he’s always with Ty. ”
“Someone has to support you all,” Zenia says.
“I guess. He wants to be there. Sally was his only family and his very best friend. Despite living in Vancouver, they talked all the time. They had a relationship I can’t even fathom having with my siblings.
Ty is all he has left, and I think I understand his desperate need to stay close to the one remaining thing of his sister. ”
“I can’t imagine,” Zenia says.
“I think I’d be filled with so much guilt and sorrow at raising my sister’s kid because she died,” Kroy says quietly.
“He struggles. As much as he loves being with Ty, I don’t miss the grief in his eyes,” I agree.
“He doesn’t talk about her much when I’m around, but I hear him talking to Ty about her all the time.
I don’t know how to… do anything to make it better.
I bought Sally’s house in Tyler’s name so he doesn’t have to focus on selling it and sorting through her things, and also so he has all her things.
We’re putting it into a trust for Ty. I paid off her car so Tyler can have it.
We made sure that we have all the basic shit taken care of, like all her financial accounts and whatever, have been handed over to Tyler.
He was already her beneficiary on everything, so it wasn’t difficult once we got the death certificate. ”
“How are you doing with her death?” Ren asks.
“Loaded question,” I mutter. I don’t answer for a while as we turn to actual exercise. I take advantage of the silence to think about it. Eventually, I answer.
“I feel guilty,” I say, and gain all their attention again. “I prayed every fucking day for a way out.”
“Dude. She didn’t die because you were begging the universe for a way out,” Kroy says. “That’s not a thing.”
“Logically, I get that. It doesn’t stop the guilt.” On top of my attraction to her brother. The fact that in this short time I’ve known Tyler, I’m far more comfortable with him than I ever was with her. I want him around when I didn’t want to spend time with Sally.
“More than that, right?” Carson asks, taking a guess at why I’m silent.
“Yes. More than just her dying after I wished for an out. I keep thinking how unfair it is that I’m parenting Ty when I didn’t want it, and she was so damn excited to be his mother, and it was robbed from her.
I think about Tyler moving here to be with them, and he didn’t make it in time to even say goodbye to her.
” I can’t bring myself to say anything about me and Tyler, so I don’t.
“The grief he struggles with, and I should be feeling that, too, because I was going to marry her!”
My words cut off when Kroy wraps his arms around me from the side. My inhale is deep as I try to release the guilt that’s now clawing its way all over me since I’ve been trying to ignore it.
“Sorry,” I mutter.
“Don’t be,” Ren says.
“I like Ty. I like being his father. I can’t imagine waking up every day and him not being there. I want to see him grow and smile and skate. It just sucks that she had to die for me to realize that,” I admit.
“You understand that there’s no shade if you don’t want that. Right?” Kroy asks.
I release a long sigh. “Yes.”
“So you’re honest right now?” Carson asks, obviously on the same page as Kroy.
“Yes. There are days I’m so fucking tired, I don’t think I can keep going like that, but then I look at Ty and… I’m one of those rom-coms, aren’t I? I came around. Even if that’s not everyone’s story, nor should it be.”
“I’m never not going to be grateful that my birth parents realized that parenthood wasn’t for them,” Carson says. “You would have had a much better childhood if your parents had realized as much.”
“Realized. Admitted,” I say, nodding. After gripping Kroy’s wrist for a minute, I pat his arm, and he lets me go.
“I will never understand my parents. Particularly my mother. I told my father goodbye at eighteen and haven’t looked back.
He confirmed that he didn’t want to be a parent by letting me go.
As he should. It’s been one bright spot about not having to deal with him ever again. ”
“But your fucking mother,” Zenia says, shaking his head.
I sigh. “For real. I can’t even imagine what the hell she’s after.
She always lacked motherly instincts. The way she was holding Ty and shaking him as opposed to rocking him.
” I shake my head. “Tyler said he cried the entire time she was there. He had a bellyache for an hour after she left because she forced more milk on him after he’d already eaten.
She was practically yelling over his cries because he wouldn’t stop crying.
Why did she show up and try to storm into my life now?
Nothing I can think of makes sense. Why now? ”
“Money?” Kroy suggests.
“I signed my first contract at nineteen. If she were after money, I think she’d have already made that clear, no?”
“Maybe she thinks she can try again and be a grandparent since she sucked at being a parent,” Zenia says.
“Leon and Anthony have kids,” I muse, referring to my older and younger brothers. “Yet she’s here.”
“Did she try the same thing with them?” Zenia asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m not close with my siblings.
I received a text picture from my siblings when each of their kids was born.
I might have sent them all a Happy Christmas text, but I honestly don’t know if I bothered this year.
Fuck, I didn’t even send them a picture of Ty when he was born.
Leon called just after I got rid of my mother that day to warn me that Mandy had given Mom my address.
That’s the first time I’ve heard his voice in…
” How long? I shake my head. I have no idea.
“I’m sad for you,” Carson says quietly.
“Why?”
“It sucks that you don’t have a family.”
I shrug one shoulder and turn my attention to my workout for a few minutes.
“You do have a family,” Carson corrects himself after a few minutes. “You have us. You have Tyler and Ty. You have the team to some extent. Family isn’t where you’re born into. It’s who brings you happiness, love, and support. That’s us.”
“Wow. Sappy,” Zenia says, but he’s grinning at me.
“Thank you,” I say, inclining my head because it’s surprisingly touching.
“You going to let us uncle your kid too?” Kroy asks.
I meet his eyes and grin. “Yeah, but don’t take offense to this. I’d like him to get a little older so his immune system is stronger. There’s a lot of terror on the internet about what babies can catch.”
“Is he still drinking breast milk from the hospital?” Ren asks.
“He is, and I know he’s getting some immunity there, but when I tell you the number of things I’m terrified of has multiplied exponentially since I brought this kid home, I cannot stress that enough,” I mutter.
Carson claps my back. “You’re going to be a really great dad. You know that?”
His words bring an unexpected rush of emotion into my chest. “You think so?” I ask, voice a whole lot more vulnerable than I imagined it’d be.
“You already are. Whatever the reason you’re deciding to be his father is irrelevant. Sometimes, you just have to trust the universe that it knows what it’s doing. Even if that means unfair death and a struggle that you don’t understand why you have to go through it,” Carson answers.
“I want you all to be a part of his life.” I meet my friends’ eyes.
“A big part. We’ll plan things and whatever.
You’re right about family, Carson, and I know he’ll have a big, happy family right here with you and the team.
You’re just going to have to wait until I get past my paranoia about hidden viruses that are clawing at the walls of the house, trying to infect my newborn. ”
Carson laughs.
“Okay, enough about this. I need a break from the heavy. What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? Any plans?” I ask.
The four of them look at me, amused.
“Dude. Today is March fourteenth. You’re literally a month late,” Kroy says, laughing.
Wow. That means Ty is… six weeks old? Fuck. Where has the time gone? What have I been doing with my days?
“I take it you didn’t have any big plans, huh?” Zenia asks, winking at me.
“No. If I had to take a guess, I was begging myself to sleep when Ty was asleep. I swear to fuck, he’s a relatively easy baby, but I’m always so fucking tired,” I whine. “He doesn’t cry excessively. He sleeps regularly, but it’s those damn feedings, man.”
“Can’t you and Tyler take turns?” Kroy asks.
“We do. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wake up as soon as my baby makes noise. I swear, I sleep as if I just closed my eyes. I hear everything!”
“I think that’s relatively normal,” Carson says. “My sister said the same thing. She once slept through an ambulance and sirens across the road that kept going for over twenty minutes. Now she wakes up if her baby sighs in their sleep.”
“Great,” I mutter. “I’m going to be tired for the rest of my life.”
“Nah. Just for the next eighteen years. Then you can worry about them in a different way.”
“You make this sound better and better.”
Carson grins.