Chapter 29
TYLER
When I come back into the room, Carson and Zenia are comparing abs. For just a second, I stop and look between them.
“They’re deciding whether hard abs or a soft middle is more attractive,” Kroy tells me.
“Uh huh,” I say and retake my seat on the couch.
“Do you have an opinion?” Carson asks, and all four men look at me.
“No,” I answer, shrugging.
“Because you don’t want to hurt either of their feelings?” Kroy asks, laughing.
“No. Because I like all bodies.” I shrug.
“There are some really objectively hot men who know they’re hot and think that allows them to treat everyone like shit.
As it turns out, they’re actually really ugly when you get to know them.
Some men who society states are ‘fat’ and therefore ‘ugly’ are actually some of the sweetest people I’ve met, and personally, that makes them far more attractive than a six-pack. ”
“You’re saying personality matters,” Carson says, dropping his shirt.
“It sounds cliché, but yeah. Yes, arguably, their physical appearance is probably what you see immediately, and that dictates whether you’re attracted to them, but think about it.
They become less attractive if they’re shallow or are assholes, or you witness them treating someone less privileged, or maybe who they determine less attractive like shit. Right?”
The guys look at each other. Kroy and Ren nod, but Zenia and Carson appear a little surprised as they consider it.
“Then you have it in reverse. Someone who might be less conventionally attractive might simply be someone you’re friends with, but the more you get to know them, they begin to become more attractive.”
“Huh,” Zenia says. “Yeah, I can relate to that.”
“Therefore, hard abs or soft, it’s all subjective. I don’t know either of you, so I don’t necessarily think either of you is more attractive than the other. I’m honestly not an abs man anyway.”
“But you’re gay?” Carson asks.
I stare at him. A minute passes in silence. This is when Denny returns with Ty. He looks around curiously as he retakes his seat beside me. I had him the bottle.
“What happened while I was gone?” Denny asks.
“I told them I’m not an abs man, and Carson asked if I’m gay. I was determining whether my answer in either direction is going to… change the tone here tonight.”
“It won’t,” he assures me.
“Okay. Then yes, I’m gay,” I answer.
“Cool,” Kroy says, grinning.
“It wasn’t an attacking question,” Carson says. “The way you spoke made me ask. That’s all. Abs aren’t generally a feature men consider the attractive body part, you know? It’s usually ass man or boob man. Something shallow.”
“You’re arguing that being an abs man is less shallow than being a boobs man?” I counter. “Most people have to work for abs. Most women are born with what they have.”
“You didn’t comment on the ass,” Zenia says.
“That’s both. Also, I’m an ass man, so.” I shrug. “I don’t feel like saying I’m shallow.”
Ren chuckles. “We’re allowed to be turned on by a particular body part without it being shallow. In the same line as sexuality, it’s not a conscious decision which body part turns you on. It does it for you, or it doesn’t. Not a huge deal.”
“I like that answer,” Zenia says.
“Speaking of Felton,” Kroy says, and we all laugh. “You ready to talk to us about what’s going on there?”
I glance at Denny. Were we talking about Felton?
Ren sighs. “What do you want to know that you don’t already?”
“I mean, one day you sit on his lap during a game when he’s having a moment, and it’s been kind of building from there,” Zenia says. “Everything is speculation. I think we’d all like some truth.”
Ren doesn’t answer for a minute. When he does, he’s not looking at anyone but staring in the direction of the unopened baby gifts.
“There’s honestly less to tell than you think.
I checked in on him when he was suspended from games for his supposed connection with Benny Bop.
He wasn’t doing well, and I guess I thought I could help. Offer him support.”
“Because you’re you and of course you did,” Kroy says, grinning.
“Mm,” Ren agrees, a smile barely touching his lips.
“The more I got to know him, the more I realized how incredibly… tormented he is. He puts on a good facade, but something about the Benny Bop incident didn’t just crack that mask.
It shattered it, and all the broken pieces in Felton began to fall away, leaving him in a very dangerous state of mind. ”
“Then there are his shitty parents showing up,” Zenia says, shaking his head.
“I’m not going to share Felton’s private life, but yes.
I think you’ve gathered that they don’t share a good relationship.
” Ren looks at Denny for a minute, and I think maybe we all understand on some level what that means.
We all know about Denny’s childhood. I’m sure he’s told them about his mother showing up—especially since I called him during practice the first time she shoved her way in.
“The more time we spent together, the more I began to see who Felton really is. Not the asshole he presents to the media. Not that big, happy person who always has smiles and jokes. I saw Felton.”
“And you fell in love with Felton,” Denny says.
Once again, Ren hums. “Yes.”
Denny hands me Ty to burp so he can lean across the pile of gifts and set the empty bottle on the coffee table.
“Why were you keeping it a secret?” Carson asks. “Of all the people you could tell, you know we’re not going to judge you.”
Ren shakes his head. “Part of it is because I generally don’t share my private life. Part of it is because a lot of what’s gone down in the last several months is personal to Felton, and I have no business sharing Felton’s business. And… part of it is me working my way through what we’re doing.”
“Sex?” Zenia asks.
Ren meets his eyes, amused. “Are you asking if we have sex, Zenia?”
He grins. “No. I know that answer. I’m asking if that’s what you’re working through. You know—” He taps his head.
“No. Not that. As you can imagine, that part’s been relatively easy to navigate.”
I think that they’ve forgotten I’m here. This isn’t a conversation that maybe I should witness since I shouldn’t know their… uh… kink?
“Being in a relationship with a guy?” Carson guesses.
Ren shakes his head. “His gender doesn’t matter. I’ve been working through how I feel toward him. He’s Felton. A friend. A teammate. His needs,”—he looks at Zenia—“not his physical or sexual needs, horndog.”
Zenia laughs.
“His needs are complicated, and we’re working through them together. I want to help him heal. So much of helping him heal is figuring out what he needs when he doesn’t truly understand what he wants.”
“The biggest guys always have the softest hearts,” Kroy says.
Ren nods. “Yes. I’ve come to the same conclusion.”
I adjust Ty into my arms so he’s comfortable as he sleeps again.
“Ty’s going to be down for the count now. Who’s taking the first turn to hold him?” Denny asks.
“Carson bullied us into taking first baby snuggles,” Zenia says, glaring.
“Come take him then. Don’t breathe on him,” Denny says.
I try not to smile too big at his protective demands while I transfer Ty into Carson’s arms. He sits in the recliner, and I think we’re all watching him stare at Ty.
“Fatherhood looks good on you, Denny,” Kroy says.
Denny throws a balled-up piece of wrapping paper. “Shut up, fucker.”
“You going to finish the presents now?” Zenia asks.
Denny looks at me. “Actually, there’s something I want to tell you first. Then we’ll finish the presents.”
“Ohhh, the secrets you alluded to,” Carson says. “Spill.”
“Okay. Tyler and I are together. Boyfriends or something that sounds less juvenile.”
“Lovers?” Kroy suggests.
“Partners?” Ren suggests.
“Let’s just not worry about the label of our relationship and say we’re together,” Denny says.
I’m relieved when not one of them looks anything other than happy.
“This is kind of funny,” Carson says as he looks between Ren and Denny. “Two of the five of us ‘straight men’ are now in gay relationships.”
“We’ve already addressed sexuality,” Kroy says. “All of that bullshit is a social construct.”
“It also follows what Tyler was saying about attraction being subjective,” Ren adds. “If you’re open to simply falling in love with a person and not fitting into a rigid mold of what bigoted assholes put out in the world, you’re more likely to find a fulfilling relationship.”
“When you’re not closing yourself off to someone simply because of what’s in their pants,” Kroy says, as if he’s finishing Ren’s thoughts.
“Yeah, well. It’s not that heavy,” Denny says. He meets my eye, and we share a smile. “I didn’t think about it. It just happened.”
“Those are the best relationships,” Kroy says. “They find you when you’re not looking for them.”
“I read a quote somewhere that said something like, ‘People, like books, will find you when you most need them,’” Zenia says. “I think you needed Tyler.”
“I needed a lot of things,” Denny admits. “I was scarily sinking quickly and didn’t know what to do.”
“We know,” Ren says. “We were trying not to overstep while still offering you support.”
“We hoped you’d ask for help if we kept making ourselves present,” Carson says.
Denny threads his fingers through mine and nods. “I don’t know if I even had the presence of mind to ask for help,” he says quietly. “I let a fucking stranger into my house simply because he claimed to be Sally’s brother. The world is a scary place, and I barely hesitated.”
I squeeze his hand, and he returns the gesture.
“You want to talk about that?” Ren asks.
Denny shakes his head. “No. I’m good now.” He looks at me again and smiles. “I did need Tyler. Exactly Tyler. He has the calm and confidence and baby care knowledge that I lack, and it did a lot to set me at ease and let me catch my breath.”
“I hate to break it to you, but I’ve been faking the knowledge. Sally and I used to talk about how to raise Ty often, so much of what I say or know or do is based on our conversations,” I admit.
“That’s fine. It’s still a thousand times more than what I know,” Denny says. “I already told you, I wasn’t going to be a father at all. I was working up the fucking courage to tell her that and then…”
“Then she died,” I finish. The words don’t get easier to say. Tears still sting my eyes, but I don’t allow myself to sink into the darkness, allowing them to fall.
“Then she died,” Denny repeats quietly. He takes a deep breath. “I think I’d still feel differently if she were alive. I think I would have eventually told her all the things I kept to myself. My life would look really different right now. It would look just as it always had.”
“No,” Kroy says, and Denny looks up at him. “Tyler was moving here to be with his sister and nephew. Yeah?”
Denny and I nod.
“And you hadn’t worked up to talking to Sally yet.
Which means you and Tyler would have met many times as you tried to force yourself into a role you didn’t want.
I don’t think your attraction to each other is circumstantial.
I think it was always going to be there.
Which means, eventually, you would have had to address it.
Which means you were always going to be in Ty’s life because being with Tyler meant being in Ty’s life. ”
“You have a lot of confidence that I wouldn’t have simply ignored it to get rid of the baggage I didn’t want and escape a potential repeat of my childhood,” Denny says.
Kroy reaches through the mess to grip Denny’s leg.
“You will never be your parents, Denny. Regardless of how you felt toward Sally and regardless of the complicated path that your life might have taken had she lived, you would never allow yourself to become something you hated. Not a single day goes by that you don’t think about your childhood.
Everything you do is shaped by your past. You are far too conscious of what your childhood felt like, so I know without a doubt you would never allow your kid to live in the same environment. ”
Denny nods. “I guess. I just keep thinking that if I’d married Sally, that’s exactly what would have happened because I’d have been so fucking unhappy.”
“You wouldn’t have married Sally,” Carson insists. “You would have still gotten together with Tyler.”
Denny looks at me as he considers Carson’s words. I’m not sure he’s convinced, but something in my gut says Carson is right.
Listening to them is fascinating. Not only because it’s an insight into their friendship, but it also reveals a lot about Denny since I’m seeing him through their eyes. As if I needed more convincing of how amazing this man is, my heart warms with everything out of their mouths.
“He’s right,” I agree. “I wouldn’t have let Sally marry you if she didn’t love you.
And if there had been this same chemistry between us, had life taken a different turn, I wouldn’t have let my sister marry you.
As much as I struggle sometimes with the questions left unanswered when Sally died, I think Carson’s right. We were always going to get together.”
It looks as if a weight lifts from Denny’s shoulders. His smile is soft as he looks at me. His thumb brushes softly over the back of my hand rhythmically. Affectionately.
“Can I ask one more thing?” Carson asks.
Denny turns his attention to Carson. “What?”
“It was really clear the week before Ty was born that you were sinking deeper and deeper into a bad place, and you were pretty dead set on not being a parent. Do you still have doubts? Are you committed to this now?” Carson asks.
From the way everyone is watching Denny, I think the question holds more weight than the straightforward way it sounds.
“I think I’ll always have doubts,” Denny admits. “I’m always going to be afraid that I’m going to turn into my parents.”
“A fear everyone shares,” Kroy mutters.
Zenia snorts.
“But they’re not so crippling. I’m pretty sure it’s my fear alone that has me not fully believing your confidence in me. Yes, I’m committed to being Ty’s father. The best father I can possibly be. Every day.”
“I hope you don’t take this wrong—” Carson says, but Denny seems to anticipate his next question.
Denny shakes his head. “I want to be his father, Carson. I want to live every day with my son. I’m looking forward to all his firsts. I love him with my every breath. I promise.”
Carson bows his head, and I think I hear him sniff. He doesn’t answer, but he nods and hugs Ty close.
I’m not sure what just passed between them, but it feels strangely healing.
“Now finish opening your presents. You haven’t even gotten to the good stuff,” Zenia demands.