Chapter 25
Caleb
“What are you doing here?!” Roxanne blurts out, eyes wide, when I sit beside her on the park bench.
“I needed to see you.”
“And it couldn’t have waited for our session later this evening?” she retorts, vexed.
“No,” I deadpan.
“This… this… is such an invasion of my privacy, Caleb. First, you practically blackmailed me into being your therapist, and now you hijack my lunch hour. How did you even know I’d be here? Do I even want to know?”
“Nope, I don’t think you do,” I answer since Roxanne isn’t the type of woman who would take a bit of light stalking as a romantic gesture.
Though, to be fair, she probably already figured that out on the night I showed up on her doorstep. I mean, how else would I have known where she lived?
“You really are—”
“Charming? Irresistible? Cute as a button?” I tease.
“Relentless was the word I was looking for,” she grumbles, closing her eyes and taking three deep breaths in an effort to control her anger.
While she meditates on her will not to kill me, I just sit back and look at her, my heavy heart feeling lighter already from her being within an arm’s length.
“Okay, Caleb. Tell me what was so urgent that you couldn’t wait for our session?”
“Maybe I just needed to see you,” I retort, running my fingers through her long, brown hair.
“And maybe what I need is to pack up my things and return to the office,” she threatens, standing up to prove her point.
“Fine.” I let out a frustrated exhale. “I caught Erin telling the girls this morning that Jack is coming home. That, soon enough, their dad will walk right through their door, as good as rain, like nothing ever happened.”
“I see,” she says pensively, sitting back down beside me. “And how did that make you feel?”
“How did it make me feel?” I parrot.
“Yes, Caleb.” She plants a comforting hand on my thigh. “How did that make you feel?”
“I don’t know. Angry. Sad. Confused as fuck. Take your pick,” I grumble while brushing my fingers up and down her hand.
“Explain,” she probes, her soft voice no longer holding a challenging tone.
“Okay.” I nod, tapping into all the mixed-up feelings I have inside me. “I guess I’m pissed with Erin because she shouldn’t be saying that shit to the girls. It will only confuse their little heads. I mean, Fiona is just one, so she doesn’t know what’s happening, but Cara does. She’ll remember this shit in the future. And it’s not fucking right, Roxie. Erin being all cavalier in front of my nieces about Jack’s current circumstances doesn’t sit right with me.”
Roxanne listens attentively while lacing her fingers with mine on my thigh.
“You said that you also felt confused and sad about the whole situation. Why?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” I frown. “I have no idea how to help Erin, and I hate to be the one who put her in this position in the first place, having to lie to her girls.”
“Okay, let’s unpack what you just said while also trying to put ourselves in Erin’s shoes, shall we?” she offers. “Your anger is justified since you want to shelter your nieces, but so is Erin’s need to prevent them from experiencing such pain and suffering. As a parent, it is her prerogative to decide how she wants to handle the whole situation. If she prefers to delay the heartache of telling her daughters the truth, then you have to accept it.”
“Even if I know it’s wrong?”
“Who says it’s wrong?” she counters patiently.
“Are you kidding me right now? Of course, it is. She’s in fucking denial.”
“Yes, that can be the case here, but have you considered that maybe Erin isn’t in denial but just prefers to cling to hope instead?”
“Hope.” I scoff at the double-edged-sword word.
“Yes, Caleb. Hope. It can be a comfort in such cases. Maybe that’s all your sister-in-law has right now. And maybe the kindest thing you could do for her is try not to take it away,” she explains, giving my hand a little squeeze. “You said that you’re confused about how to help her, but it sounds like she already told you what she needs from you. All she’s asking is for you to stand by her side and let her deal with her current circumstances the best way she knows how. The only way she feels is acceptable to her.”
“And what if I can’t do that?”
“Then you have to respect her wishes of not being around her and her girls until you can.”
“Nothing you’re saying is making me feel any better,” I complain, gaining another soft smile from her.
“Then I guess you won’t like what I’m about to ask you next either. You said that you feel responsible for putting Erin in a position where she feels like she has to lie to her daughters. Does that mean you still feel responsible for your brother’s accident?”
“You know I do.”
“Why?”
“Are you kidding me right now?” I pull my hand away from hers so I can stand up. “You know why. I’ve told you what happened a million times before. Do we really need to hash it all out again?”
To her credit, Roxanne remains cool and calm even when she can tell my blood is boiling.
“Fair enough. Then how about I give you my own two cents about the whole ordeal.”
“Roxie—”
“From what you’ve told me about your brother, he doesn’t strike me as the kind of man who would do something he didn’t want to. So, if we take that into account, it was Jack’s choice to pick you up that night. It was his choice to get behind the wheel of a car he hadn’t had any experience driving before. It was his choice to go over the speed limit just to mess with you, as you had mentioned in our sessions. All I see are choices made by a man who knew his own mind.”
“You’re twisting it all up. That’s not how it happened.”
“No?” She arches a brow. “Did you physically force your brother to pick you up?” My forehead creases at the oversimplified question. “Did you blackmail him into getting into the car?” I ball my hands into two fists and frown at her. “Did you put a gun to his head to force him to speed through the streets, which ultimately provoked the crash? No. You did not. All these choices were made by your brother. Yes, none of them were with the intent of getting into an accident, but every choice was still made by Jack and Jack alone.”
“You’re distorting everything,” I accuse, pissed for her putting the blame on Jack instead of me.
“Am I? Or are you so married to your guilt and suffering that you refuse to accept that sometimes accidents just happen? There is no rhyme or reason for it, save for the fact that life can sometimes be cruel in its design. No matter how safe we play it, there are certain aspects that we can’t just control. The only thing we can do is accept the cards that have been dealt to us in the best way we can. Erin is doing just that. And you should be, too.”
“Are you really going to sit there and give me a lecture about being married to guilt and suffering? This from the woman who refuses to acknowledge her feelings for me because she thinks it will be some sort of betrayal to a man who is no longer here to fight for her.”
“That’s not fair,” she quips.
“Fair? You want to talk about fairness, Roxie? Fair would have been Jack not being in a coma right now because of me. Fair would have been me still playing for the Guardians, with Jack beside me. Fair would have been me falling in love for the first time in my life with a woman who could actually love me back instead of being imprisoned by the memories of a life she no longer has. None of this shit is fair, Roxie. None of it!”
“You know what? I don’t have to stay here and listen to this,” she says, packing up her things frantically. “This was my spot, Caleb. My spot. And you ruined it.”
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
“Roxie,” I murmur as she gets up, putting as much distance as possible from me. “Roxie!” I call out, but she just quickens her pace.
“Goddamn it!” I shout, running after her. “Will you please stop?”
“No. I have nothing else to say to you,” she says, my chest aching when I hear the tears in her voice.
Unable to restrain myself, I grab her hand and spin her around.
The redness in her eyes kills me, and I want to crawl under a rock and die for having caused her an ounce of pain.
I look left and right, searching for a secluded spot to talk, when I see an underpass just a few feet away from where we’re standing. Sparing no second thought, I rush us towards it, happy to find a small space that hides us perfectly from the rest of the world.
Roxanne stares at her feet instead of looking me in the eye, her frail vulnerability doing me in. I tip her chin up, stare at her beautiful face, and say softly, “I’m sorry.” She turns her face to the side, but I bring it back to me with a gentle tug on her chin. “I said I’m sorry.”
“Words mean very little when the damage has already been done.” I take that in and nod.
“You’re right. Sorry doesn’t mean jack shit when I purposely tried to hurt you. The only thing I can do is promise that it won’t happen again.”
“You can’t promise something like that,” she whispers.
“No? Try me.” I tease, trying to lighten the mood but failing.
“And you can’t use humor to make things okay either. You hurt me.”
My throat dries at the intensity in her eyes.
“I know. I’m sor…” but when her eyes widen, I keep my apologies to myself. “You’re right. I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you again because that’s just what people do. Especially to the people they most care about. But I can promise to do better. I can promise to take your feelings into consideration before opening my stupid mouth. I can choose my words more carefully when I’m feeling hurt instead of lashing out.”
“How did I hurt you?” she asks as if sincerely not realizing the torment I’ve been under since she came into my life.
“All I do is hurt,” I tell her in earnest. “I’ve been hurting since you came into my life. I’ve been in a constant state of agony since that night you gave me a taste of you. All I do is hurt for you, love. Please tell me you see it?”
I hold my breath as her eyes fall to my lips and then back to my eyes.
“Do you hurt for me, Roxie? Even just a little bit? Do you?”
She licks her lips, my gaze falling to her heaving chest.
“I…”
“Don’t lie to me, Roxie. I know you feel this… this thing between us, pulling us towards each other. I know you do.”
“We can’t,” she breathes out, her gaze growing heady.
“What can’t we do?” I press, stroking my thumb over her chin. “Can’t I touch you like this?” I ask, running my knuckles over her cheek.
“No,” she whispers.
“What about this?” I ask, pressing my hard body against hers.
“No,” she rasps. “We can’t do that either.”
“So, does that mean I can’t kiss you?” I ask, lowering my face to kiss her neck.
“No, you can’t do that either,” she whispers, tilting her head to the side to give me better access.
“What about this? Can I do this?” I say, nibbling on her earlobe, my cock hardening with the little sighs of contentment she lets out.
“No. None of it.”
“And what about this?” I ask, pulling up her skirt, my fingers softly grazing her heated skin.
“Definitely not that,” she says, her eyes half-mast with need and want.
My own heart drums in my chest as my hand slides in between her thighs, her parting them just for me.
“So I can’t touch you here then?”
“No,” she says while nodding her consent.
“Fuck,” I moan out when I feel her panties wet to the touch.
“There’s so much we can’t do. And so much I want… need to do to you.”
“Like what?” she asks, hiking up her leg around my waist.
“If I could, I’d fucking kiss you while you came all over my hand.”
“But we can’t do that,” she says, her fingers tugging at my hair.
“No, we can’t,” I say as I slide her panties to the side and run my fingers up and down her wet slit before inserting two digits inside her.
She lets out a little gasp, her eyes closing of their own accord as her head falls back against the brick wall. I curve my fingers inside her while my thumb begins to play with her clit, loving the little sounds she makes as I fuck her like this.
“But wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could,” I taunt as little sobs of want plummet from her lips.
“It would be so fucking good,” I growl, lowering my face to her breasts and biting each perky nipple peeking through her white blouse.
“Argh!” she wails, holding for dear life on my shoulders as I speed up my thrusts.
“Are you hurting like I am now?” I ask with a strangled moan, hiding my head in the crook of her neck and just inhaling her scent.
“Yes.”
“Wouldn’t it be a mercy just to give in to it?” I ask before sinking my teeth into her flesh.
“Yes!”
“But we can’t, can we?” I ask, licking my way up her throat until my mouth is just a hair’s breadth away from hers.
“No,” she pants, staring deep into my eyes as her body trembles in my embrace.
“And I can’t make you come, can I? No matter how much I want you to,” I groan, adding another digit inside her, the smell of her arousal doing my head in.
“Caleb!” she cries, the orgasm starting to split her in two.
“Fuck,” I growl, crashing my mouth on hers, needing to swallow up all her little wails of ecstasy.
She comes back down, and I wait for her to say something, losing all grip on reality when her amber eyes look like they’ve been touched by fire.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I grunt, so close to coming undone.
“I’m not,” she says, pressing her palm on my hard cock through my pants. “We’re not doing anything, Remember? We’re not even here,” she says, rubbing my dick in a way that has me seeing stars.
“We’re not?” I pant, needing her to pull the fucker out.
“No. We had a fight,” she explains before pulling my zipper down. “And after the fight, I went back to my office, and you went home,” she continues as she frees my cock into her loving hand. “And all we did was spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about all the things we can’t do… but desperately want to.”
“Fuck… so what you’re saying is that we’re not really here,” I moan, loving how she’s allowed herself to give into her desires, even if under the guise of a fantasy.
“Exactly. We’re not here,” she confirms, running her tongue over my bottom lip while she strokes my cock into oblivion, ensuring that I’m mad with lust.
“So you couldn’t stop me from doing this.” I let out a growl, hoisting her off the ground by her waist, her legs wrapping themselves around me.
“No, I couldn’t because we’re not here,” she rasps, positioning my cock to her core, her plea evident in her eyes.
It’s all she needs to say for me to sink myself inside of her, both of us hissing out at the connection.
She feels so good.
So fucking good.
Fucking her raw like this … it’s enough to drive any man insane.
As I continue to fuck her against the brick wall, I kiss her shoulder, bite and nibble on her neck, needing to worship every inch of her. If I’m not allowed to tell her how she makes me feel, then at least I can show her.
“Caleb,” she moans out my name so fucking sweetly that I almost come with just the sound of her voice.
“Fuck,” I growl, needing to place her back on her feet, spin her around and fuck her from behind.
Like this, I’ll have more control not to lose my load inside her, though her tight cunt isn’t helping my restraint any.
“Jesus fuck, but I can’t get enough of you,” I groan into her ear as I continue to pound her sweet pussy.
“Caleb… I… I,” she starts, unable to hold out long in this position.
“Come for me, love. Just let go,” I order, knowing she needs reassurance that it’s okay to seek out her own pleasure.
Like clockwork, my Roxie comes like fireworks on the Fourth of July.
She reaches the stars, crying out my name while I groan out hers, pulling my cock out just in time to coat her gorgeous ass with my cum.
To her, this is just a fantasy she is living out of.
To me, it’s the closest time I ever came to anything real.
Unfortunately, the veil of our secret rendezvous quickly lifts, giving way for reality to set in.
I can feel it in the way her body suddenly stiffens.
She refuses to make eye contact with me even when I help clean her up and fix her skirt and blouse.
“Don’t,” I plead when she turns around to face me. “Don’t fucking say this was a mistake again, Roxie. I don’t think my fucking heart could bear it.”
But instead of the shame I expect to see on her face, all I see is confusion.
“We didn’t do anything wrong,” I say, lifting her chin up to look into her eyes.
“I know,” she whispers. “But that doesn’t mean I’m less conflicted by it.”
I nod because I understand what she means by it, even though it fucking sucks.
“I think… I think I need some time. Can you give me some time just to figure things out on my own?”
No.
That’s what I want to say.
But I don’t.
Instead, all I do is nod.
Nod and pray that time won’t fuck my life more than it already has.