6
Beckett
“I fucking love you, Pen,” I whisper against her ear, my chest pressed against her sweaty back.
Her body stiffens underneath me, and I can literally feel the blood drain from my face.
Did I just say?
I’m still inside her…
She’s not even facing me.
Fuck. This isn’t right.
This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her.
I had a plan. Goddamn it, I had a plan! I sat there and watched her sway her little ass around my kitchen. The kitchen she’s filled with new pots, pans, low light plants, and personal touches, and I just… I had to tell her, but I was going to get her to focus, to listen, and I was going to explain why I love her. Why I need her.
Jesus. What have I done?
I hold my breath as the kitchen becomes uncomfortably silent and Penny’s rapid breathing forces her back up and into my chest over and over. Suddenly, she clears her throat and attempts to move. I relent and pull out of her, grimacing at the feeling as I do. After taking two steps back and resting my bare ass against the kitchen counter beside the stove, I watch, and I wait.
It takes her a moment to stand, find and then tug on my t-shirt, and then to face me. I remain silent the entire time, because I know her too damn well, and if I speak before she does, it’ll only make things worse.
“Why would you say that to me? You don’t love me, Beckett. You love fucking me. There’s a difference.”
Penny’s walls are high. And thick. And decorated with ‘proceed with caution’ signs, and I just took a sledgehammer and tried to knock them down with one large swing, so instead of returning her frustration with my own, I take a deep breath, steady myself, and I say, “Bullshit.”
My response is calm, and her reaction is anything but.
“Bullshit?” She repeats back at me. “It isn’t bullshit! Why would you just say that ?” Her voice raises with each word until she’s practically screaming at me. “What did you think I was going to do? Fall into your arms after you told me you loved me while you were still balls deep inside me?” Her face flushes, her bottom lip trembles and her fists clench at her sides. “Take it back!”
Is she serious right now?
“What are we, five? I’m not taking it back. I didn’t mean to tell you like that , but it doesn’t make the statement any less true. I. Fucking. Love. You.” I punctuate each word with a step toward her. “I get that you’re scared, but you don’t have to be, baby. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Just… Please, just fucking let me.”
The woman standing in front of me may be sarcastic, overly sensitive, flighty as fuck, and objectively speaking, probably too young for me, but she’s mine , just as much as I’m hers. She’s let me see the parts of herself that she keeps hidden from everyone else, and fuck, they’re beautiful.
I’m so damn in love with her that the feeling overwhelms me most days.
“Stop it,” she whispers, averting her gaze to the black cabinets behind me. “Jesus, today of all fucking days.” She runs one trembling hand through her messy hair, and then, with a harsh exhale, her beautiful hazel eyes once again meet mine. “Why now?” she asks. “I mentioned making this thing between us real weeks ago. I told you I was ready to tell everyone, and instead of agreeing with me, you whipped out your phone and showed me a bunch of messages from your ex-fiancé. So why are you bringing this up now ?”
Oh, for fuck’s sakes. Here we go.
I showed her those messages so that she could make an informed decision to be with me. Really , be with me. I didn’t want them to come out later and have her think I was hiding shit from her. Stupidly, I thought we’d gotten past that.
“Because I wasn’t expecting you to want that from me, Penny. I was caught off guard, and I figured before we took this further, you needed to know-”
“You know what?” She raises her hand to silence me. “It doesn’t even matter.”
“Of course it fucking matters! If I’d known this was bothering you, we’d have already talked this shit out. But you keep so much in that beautiful fucking head of yours that I never know what’s going on!” I wait for her to say something, anything, but she just stands there and stares at me, chin raised, and arms crossed. “I know you love me. I know you do!”
She shakes her head in denial, and it hurts. Fuck, it hurts. But despite that, the second I see the first tear escape her eye and roll down her cheek, the need to comfort her outweighs everything else.
I reach for her, and the moment my hand cups her face, she closes her eyes and welcomes my touch, as she always does, pressing her cheek into my palm, but the warmth of her skin against my own only last a second before she retreats.
“Put some damn pants on,” she snaps, stepping around me, and not stopping until she’s put the kitchen island between us.
Confused, I glance down to find my dick still swinging in the fucking wind. Quickly, I bend, grab my checkered pyjama bottoms from the floor, and tug them on. By the time I’ve adjusted the elastic waist band to sit on my hips, Penny’s trembling, lost in thought, with her thumb nail between her teeth.
“Look-”
“I need to go. I need to leave.” Her words are rushed and quiet, and my brain barely has time to process them before she spins on her heel and practically sprints down the hall to my bedroom.
Shock has me standing there like an idiot, using my kitchen island to hold me up.
I told her I love her…
And she’s leaving.
Moments later, Penny reappears, fully clothed, with her light blue overnight bag slung over her shoulder.
The moment she steps toward the door, my brain and body reconnect. “Don’t,” I bark, stepping around the kitchen island. “Stay. Fucking talk to me!”
I follow her across the room, to the door, and pause as she does, hand on the doorknob. I hold my breath, but as she speaks, every ounce of hope I had left drains from my body.
“This is all getting too heavy. I need some space. Maybe if we just take some time apart-”
“Then what?” I ask, my chest tightening. “Then we can go back to just fucking ?” I place my hand on the door above her head, holding it closed, as she remains silent. “Just say it, then.” She shakes her head and sniffles, but she doesn’t speak. “Say it, Penny,” I repeat, my voice breaking. “Turn around, look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me.”
“I can’t…” Her pause has my breath hitching and my heart hammering. “I can’t do this.”
“Jesus,” I croak, pushing away from the door as my eyes begin to burn. “What is going on right now? You’re acting like this is a surprise! Like you didn’t know how I feel about you. You’re fucking here more than you’re not. This is a goddamn relationship, and you know it! We may not have sat down and decided to be ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’, or told everyone about us yet , but c’mon! You’ve got more shit in my bathroom than I do. We. Are. Together.” By the time I’m finished, I’m panting, and she hasn’t so much as looked at me. Hasn’t even turned around.
“Beckett.”
Panic takes over, and I try a different tactic to get through to her. “Look, I get that watching your dad cheat on your mum-”
“Don’t,” she warns, immediately spinning around to face me, chin raised, and jaw clenched. “Don’t you dare. I told you that in confidence, not so that you could throw it in my face-”
“He fucked you up. I get that,” I say through clenched teeth as I think about her father and the impact his decisions have had on her. On us. “Watching him leave fucked you up, but that doesn’t mean every man-”
“Fuck. You,” she hisses. “I’m fucked up? Me? Because I’m not standing here professing my undying love for you? I’m fucked up because I want what we agreed to?” She takes a deep breath, hikes the strap of her bag higher on her shoulder and curls her lip. “You know, Beckett? You’re clearly still tied up with the last woman you supposedly loved . How about you deal with that before deciding on her replacement.”
Her words hit me like a freight train, because they couldn’t be further from the truth, and when she turns around, tears the front door open and slams it behind her, all I can do is stand there, frozen. A few seconds later, my phone vibrates in my pocket, startling me and bringing me back to reality. Without even checking the caller ID, I tug the device free, and throw the damn thing at the closed door, my frustration getting the better of me.
“FUCK!”