Chapter 22 #2
Tina lets the applause die down, though there’s a glint in her eye that implies she wouldn’t be put out if it went on a little longer.
‘Clive, thank you for getting everyone’s attention, and for being here with me tonight on this beautiful evening where we get to celebrate my gorgeous Lily.
’ She looks down adoringly at Clive, who takes her hand in his and kisses it.
The room coos as one, with the exception of Peter, who makes a retching noise that everyone pretends not to have heard.
Tina does her tinkly laugh again, though there’s little sense of real humour in it.
‘I don’t want to distract you from this most delicious dinner,’ she says, commanding the room again, ‘but I just wanted to say a few words to mark this special occasion, the fortieth birthday of my darling daughter’ – she looks lovingly at Lily who tries not to grimace too hard back – ‘and to also thank you all for coming.’
Tina pauses, makes sure she has everyone’s attention.
‘So all of you know Lily, but not all of you know just how much she has powered through over the years. She’s always been such a bright, happy child, thinking endlessly of others, and she’s often given the impression of having not a care in the world.
But she’s been a rock to many of us during our darkest hours.
Both myself and her sister can attest to the incredible support she provides to those of us who are lucky enough to have her in our lives.
’ Tina sniffs, as if the emotion is too much and she will surely be overcome.
‘As a child, Lily was quiet, but forever thoughtful. When she was a little girl, she would donate her pocket money to the donkey sanctuary in Devon, so it shouldn’t surprise us that she has grown up always putting others first. She never stops, also devoting much of her time to spiritual practice, as so many of you know, not to mention looking after her niece and nephew.
’ Tina pauses. Lily takes a deep breath.
Olivia grits her teeth. Peter stares in disbelief at the empty wine bottle he is trying to pour into his drained glass.
‘I can’t tell you how proud I am to have such a caring, considerate daughter, one who always goes out of her way to look after me and doesn’t let a day go by without ringing and checking in.
That we are all here tonight, together, to celebrate this most remarkable human, is a tribute to how loved and adored she is.
I am so proud of her. Would you please all raise your glasses to my darling Lily Fryer. ’
The room does as it’s told. Peter stands up, his empty glass aloft. ‘I’d like to make a shpeech!’
The room falls quiet and stares at Peter as he sways from side to side, like a Weeble that has just been gently wobbled. Lily holds a hand in front of her face, clearly wanting to disappear. ‘Waiter!’ cries Peter. ‘Waiter! I want shome more sho I can make a toasht!’
Olivia stands up, her own glass held in the air.
She knows what she has to do. ‘What Dad means is that he’d like me to make a speech.
’ Olivia grins broadly, pulls her skirt down, motions for her father to get back in his seat.
‘Yes, hi everyone, if you wouldn’t mind just diverting your attention for a moment to the kids’ table.
’ By now everyone in the room is exchanging awkward glances, wondering if they are about to witness some sort of surprise flash mob, organized especially for Lily’s fortieth.
No such luck. ‘So yes, I would love to say a few words about my little sister, Lily, if that’s OK. ’
Lily gives Olivia permission with a genuine smile.
‘The thing about Lily is that she is kind and considerate, as our mum just said. She is caring.’ Olivia hoicks her skirt down once more.
‘She is the most compassionate, empathetic soul I have ever met, and I don’t know about you all, but I’m bloody glad to have Lily here to sort out all our chakras. ’
Gentle laughter fills the room. Even their mother seems to relax.
‘So, to give you an example of how amazing Lily is as a sister. Mum is right when she says she’s the person we go to when we are experiencing our darkest moments.
Um, when I was seventeen, and Lily was about thirteen, I was really ill for a bit.
’ She notices Tina shift uncomfortably in her seat, Clive taking her hand in his for support.
Peter is still trying to extract wine from the empty bottle.
Olivia removes it from his grip, shushes him with a piercing glare and then turns back to her audience.
‘Where was I? Ah, yes, when I was ill. I mean, Lily was thirteen, and she was massively into Boyzone at this point.’ Her sister shrieks in embarrassment, as everyone begins to laugh.
‘Sorry, Lil. But it’s true. Her room was covered in posters of Ronan Keating.
She was OBsessed. She’d spend hours going all dreamy-eyed about him with her friends.
Anyway, what I mean to say is that Lily had her own, rich teenage life going on, right?
She didn’t need her annoying older sister, moping around sick.
But that’s the thing about Lily. She never treated me like an annoying, older, moping, sick sister.
Every night, she’d come and sit with me in my room and tell me about the things we were going to do when we were glamorous young women in the not-too-distant future, when I was better and she was married to Ronan Keating.
I was going to get into Cambridge, and Lily promised me she was going to visit with Ronan, who would introduce me to his bandmate Shane, who would obviously fall head over heels in love with me.
’ Olivia looks saucily at Nick, who grins back.
‘Every night after dark, Lily would creep into my room, get into bed with me, and hug me. She would tell me she loved me and she needed me and that we were partners in crime.’ Olivia wipes an eye, finds it wet.
‘The truth is, I couldn’t exist without Lily.
I wouldn’t exist without Lily.’ She looks towards her sister, whose eyes also seem to be leaking.
‘I want you to know that me, and Nick, and Saskia and Jack, we are so goddamn lucky to have you. You give us life, and hold us together, and I’m sorry if I don’t always let you know just how much we appreciate you.
So yes, if you could all raise your glasses to Lily, my little sister, but mostly a total fucking legend.
’ Olivia brightens, grabs her glass and raises it in the air. ‘Lily, everyone!’
‘Lily!’ cheers the room.
‘Thank you, Olivia darling,’ says her mother, standing up again. ‘Now that the speeches are over, I hope you all enjoy your evening!’
The guests return to their food, while Tina pulls out her chair, and heads towards the kids’ table.
‘Peter!’ she says, growling at her former husband. ‘Could you not make a scene for once?’
‘Mum,’ says Olivia, putting her hand on Tina’s arm. ‘Shall we go outside and, um, cool off?’
Tina takes a deep breath, steadies herself, nods.
Olivia grabs her arm, and they head into the main restaurant, buzzing with Saturday-night diners.
Together they silently criss-cross the room until they reach the ladies’ loos, where they stand face to face with one another in front of the old, battered tampon machine offering Lil-Lets for two 20ps.
‘I can’t believe he’d turn up in such a state to his own daughter’s fortieth.’ Tina looks as if she’s about to blow a gasket. ‘He’s an absolute disgrace, an embarrassment.’
‘He’s an unwell man, Mum,’ Olivia murmurs. ‘Maybe if you’d got him help rather than chucking him out, he wouldn’t be making such a fool of himself now.’
‘Why won’t you accept that our marriage is over, and it has been for years?
If I told you some of the things …’ Tina stops herself, folds her arms across her chest. ‘For the first time in my life, I’m having an honest, transparent relationship with someone who looks after me, Olivia.
Someone who I don’t have to clean up after and turn into the recovery position at night so he doesn’t choke to death on his own vomit. ’
Olivia winces. She can’t bear it – the thought of her dad being so out of control, the knowledge that her mum has unwittingly shacked up with a new bloke who is every bit as much of a liability, just in a different, more sinister way.
‘It was awful, Olivia. You don’t even know the half of it. Why am I to blame for everything?’
‘Would it be better if I was smiling sweetly and laughing cheerfully instead?’
The fight seems to go out of Tina. ‘You could at least pretend to be happy for me.’
‘I’ve spent my whole life pretending to be happy, Mum.
Pretending to be happy has been my entire fucking personality since I was a small child.
It’s never enough. Or rather, I’m always too much.
Too emotional, too sensitive, too … Too much like me.
I’ve been tamping it all down for bloody decades now, not entirely successfully, I’ll admit, but just so you know, I am constantly, continually, trying to pretend to be happy – for you and for everyone else. ’
‘Well, I could say the same, you know,’ huffs Tina.
‘All I’ve ever done is try to keep the wheels on the track, to make sure our family was happy, that you girls had what you needed.
But I’m always the one at fault. When I threw your dad out, I thought maybe if you could all see what he’s really like, you might understand.
I’ve spent years trying to help him but he won’t be helped, and eventually I had to accept that it wasn’t my responsibility to get him well. He’s not a child, Olivia.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s not as if you excel at helping those, either, is it?’ The words taste bitter and nasty and instantly flood Olivia with regret.
‘I can’t believe you’d say that.’ She turns away from her daughter, slams her manicured hand against the tampon machine.
‘You’re forty-four, Olivia! You can’t still honestly hold that childish belief that I wasn’t there for you?
It’s like you’ve completely rewritten history.
That little tribute to your sister, you made it sound as if you were orphans left to fend for yourselves. ’
Olivia turns away in a sulk. The seventeen-year-old version of herself is running the show, and right now she feels like she has to let her. ‘I feel like you never want to be near me, Mum. You seated me on the kids’ table with your much-detested ex-husband!’
‘I put you there because you’re the only person I could think of who would be grown up enough to watch over things!’ Tina stamps a kitten heel on the floor. ‘Not everything I do is out of some deranged vendetta against you, Olivia. Believe it or not, I love you. I’ve always loved you.’
Olivia desperately wants her mum to reach out and hug her. She wills Tina to do it.
‘I’m too old to still be having these arguments.
It’s not for me any more. I’m trying to move forward, instead of looking backwards, as I have every right to do now I’m in my twilight years.
I’m sorry I didn’t get it right with you, Olivia.
I did my best, I really did. You can’t keep being angry with me about it for the rest of my life when you have your own to live. ’
‘Mum, I …’ Olivia pauses as she feels her wrist vibrate. There’s an alert from Nick on her watch, something about her dad, and being needed back at the table.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ she whispers at her arm. ‘I need to go and parent my father.’
Olivia turns on her heel, tears stinging her eyes, and heads to the private room.
She’s greeted by Nick, who is holding a glass and a general air of mortified surrender as her dad wrestles with one of the waiters over a wine bottle.
His valiant attempts are thwarted by the server, who swiftly raises the wine bottle up and out of the way.
The sudden change in direction sends Peter off balance, arms flailing as he staggers and falls backwards on to the table, arse-first into the dish of macaroni cheese.