24. Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Four
E zra couldn’t stay any longer.
His skin stretched too tight, his breath coming in faster the longer the conversation went. Meg and the others sat around discussing handling Rick like it was doable.
Like the years living with his torment could have been preventable. As if misery wasn’t his lot in life.
He raced up the steps, the tension inside his chest growing so large that at any moment he’d explode. Meg staring at him, talking about protecting people—fuck.
No one protected him. No one.
Not when he was a kid and Rick was looking for someone to kick the shit out of, and not now when Rick showed up to his apartment and destroyed everything he owned. The sense of violation still hadn’t left him, but he’d lived with it for a long while until he believed it was just a part of him.
He cut across the upstairs section of Whipped, one step away from a flat-out run.
His heart hammered hard, the beats reverberating like gunshots.
His chest ached like someone had reached in and torn it wide open. Living with pain, slurs, and terror was old hat. He’d worn them so long until they were all he knew.
But this kindness would flay him alive.
He burst out into the chilled San Francisco air and gulped in a breath, embracing the sting on the way down. Shit, what direction could he go? He’d driven Kai here, and ditching him would be a dick move. What he’d expected to do, he wasn’t sure. He just knew he couldn’t stay in the dungeon a moment longer.
Not with his heart racing like this, not with his exhales coming in so fast and furious the street flickered in front of him. He balled his hands into fists.
“Ezra,” a voice called out behind him. Sloan.
The thumps of multiple footsteps signaled Kai was most likely there as well. Because of course they were. These men had loyalty in spades, and he didn’t have the words to explain he wasn’t worth the effort.
He should run. He should run far and fast before they discovered his heart had withered away long ago. That only bruises and scars remained.
Except one tiny, pitiful part of him begged to stay .
And that part was the reason his soles seemed to be glued to the concrete and he didn’t move when he should. His body trembled, and he couldn’t catch his breath. He didn’t turn around. Facing them, seeing the confusion in their eyes, knowing they’d want an explanation—he couldn’t handle it.
Voicing out loud how broken he was?
He’d barely escaped childhood alive. Not only had he dealt with Rick, but he’d been in the wrong body for too long. And in high school, that dysphoria had grown unbearable. The crawling feeling when he’d worn femme clothes. The way he’d wanted to tear his tits off most days. How there’d been this weight missing where his cock should be.
The euphoria of getting top surgery, starting T, and wearing a packer had been the sole things that kept him afloat.
“Ezra.” Kai this time, coming from far closer. Not like he’d gotten more than a few steps away from the entrance of Whipped.
He swallowed hard, but the words wouldn’t come out.
Sloan stepped in front of him and slipped his hand on Ezra’s shoulder. The touch almost made him recoil, and he tensed.
“Talk to us,” Sloan said, his tone more serious than Ezra had ever heard.
“You don’t understand—” His throat squeezed tight.
Kai slid to his other side and placed a hand on his other shoulder. The tug of war inside him still raged. Should he succumb to the comfort or run?
“What don’t I understand?” The gravity in Sloan’s voice deepened, his eyes turning stormy. “How fucking broken you feel after Rick’s through with you? ”
Ezra didn’t say anything. The words Sloan delivered held the tension of a storm that had been begging to break for a while, and the immensity of those emotions met his midway.
“How it’s impossible to trust your own judgment after that? How a sense of safety is a thing of the past?” Sloan spat out, tears welling in his eyes.
Ezra’s heart lurched. He’d never had safety to begin with, and he wasn’t sure what was worse—never experiencing it or having it taken away.
“Or hell…how for too fucking long you felt like you deserved it?” Sloan’s broken whisper snapped him out of his spiral, even though his words struck right to his gut.
“You never deserved that,” Ezra said. “I swear to you.”
“Neither did you,” Kai said softly.
Well, fuck.
His eyes burned, and he swayed from the power of the simple statement. If it weren’t for Sloan’s hand on his and Kai’s on his shoulder, he would have crumpled. His vision blurred as the impact of what he’d been running from soaked in.
This sense of camaraderie and care was so foreign to him that bile had risen in his throat. He wasn’t sure how to train his body to accept it, even if it hit like the first drops of water to his parched throat. He bit down on his balled fist, trying to stave the tears away, even as these men remained steady beside him. His chest ached like it attempted to burst and start over anew, but he didn’t run.
He stayed in the middle of the sidewalk in San Francisco, surrounded by the two men who’d gotten closer to him than any other humans on the planet had.
Because for the first time in his life, he wanted to do more than survive .
He wanted to live.
The waves of pushback almost dropped him to his knees, but he weathered them. His clasp on Sloan’s hand tightened, and Kai’s clutch to his shoulder remained steady.
Part of him hadn’t wanted to believe Meg might have a way of handling his brother. Not because there was any love lost but because he didn’t know what his life looked like without the ever-present threat. Even when he’d moved to Sacramento for a stint, the knowledge of what waited for him at home, the marks that had been left on his skin, his soul, had damaged him beyond repair.
Sloan’s eyes glistened with tears. His heart lurched.
“Sweetness,” he murmured, but he didn’t have any words to soothe him with, not while the wound inside his chest openly bled.
“I’m sure Meg will catch us up on anything we missed,” Kai said. “Why don’t we get out of here? Diner? Bar? Home?”
Kai’s suggestion snapped him into action. “Cari’s Diner.”
“Not a bar?” Sloan swiped at his eyes.
“Trust me.” The wetness around his eyes sent a flush of embarrassment through him. Fuck. He thought he was beyond crying over Rick, but his brother hadn’t been the catalyst. No, the tears had emerged over the way the entire crew at Whipped had rallied behind not just Sloan and Rachel but him too. It was a support he hadn’t dared to even dream about.
“Walk or drive?” Kai asked.
“It’s only a few blocks from here.” He forced his legs forward. Moving helped, circulating some of the panic attack he’d been whammied with.
“Do you think Meg can pull it off?” Kai wedged himself between him and Sloan as they trudged forward down the sidewalk .
“If anyone can, she’d be the one,” Sloan said. “She doesn’t flaunt it, but the woman has connections. It’s how she’s kept her business safely operating for the past five years.”
Ezra didn’t voice how badly he wanted Sloan to be right. Putting those words out in the universe felt like tempting fate.
“What about the open house?” Kai asked. “Does that worry either of you?”
“Yeah, it fucking does,” Ezra said. They crossed down another block, and he caught sight of Cari’s Diner in the distance. The fifties-style embellishes on the sign broadcasted the place, and as they got even closer, the black-and-white checkerboard tile on the base highlighted the wide windows giving a clear view inside. Cari’s had been a place he’d come to for years, often to sit and read a book. Being in a bright, cheery place settled him a little—less room for the shadows to lurk.
“Can you stay home?” Kai asked Sloan, a sentiment Ezra wholeheartedly agreed with.
“I could, but I won’t,” Sloan said, his voice a little raspy. “If my family is going to put up a fight, I’m going to be there alongside them.”
“Then we’ll be there with you,” Ezra said. His chest felt empty after the outpouring, a stillness that surprised him. But in the wake of his upheaval, it had left an unexpected peace.
Ezra opened the door and stepped inside. The scent of salty fries, mixed with lemon cleaner, slammed into him. It was seat yourself, so he walked to one of the back booths and slid into the weathered vinyl. Relief cascaded over him. This place had been a refuge more than a few times, and it hadn’t lost its magic. He handed the plastic menus to Sloan and Kai, who’d slipped into the opposite side, and flipped to the back .
“We’re getting milkshakes and fries,” he said. “Whether you dip them or not is your call, but we need something heavy after all that.”
“Dip your fries…in your shake?” Kai asked, his nose wrinkling. “That’s fucking foul.”
“Mmm, don’t knock it until you try it,” Sloan said. “And I’m on board team swap feelings with sugar and carbs.”
“I’ll take mine separate, thanks.” Kai shook his head, even though the softness in his eyes crawled right into Ezra’s chest. If he could replace the emptiness with this , maybe he’d stand a chance.
The sudden need to know what this was struck him square in the sternum.
“Are we dating?” Ezra asked. He was spent from the outpouring of emotions earlier, enough for the nerves not to rouse the way they normally would at bringing this up.
“Oh, thank fuck,” Kai said. “I’ve been dying to know.”
“I’d like to,” Sloan said. “As long as we can define what dating means for us. I’m ethically nonmonogamous, and I don’t want that to be a problem down the line.”
Ezra shook his head as relief filtered through his chest. “If you find a spark with others and want to see them in the future, I don’t mind. As long as we communicate.”
“I might struggle with a little jealousy,” Kai said, “but I’m willing to try.”
“That’s a normal part of the deal, sweetness.” Ezra reached across the table and ruffled Kai’s hair.
“Honestly, it’s been so long since I’ve been in a single relationship, let alone two, that I think I’m most likely going to be polysaturated, at least for a while.”
“Oh, we’ll keep your hands full?” Ezra asked .
“More like my holes full, if I’m lucky.” Sloan waggled his brows. “But if the chance for a good scene emerges, I’m sure as hell not going to turn it down.”
“You’re just thirsty over that Daddy energy from James,” Kai teased to Ezra’s surprise. As much as he’d seemed like he might struggle with all these new curveballs to what he was used to, the man adapted with ease.
“Oh, a hundred percent. If Meg wanted to invite me to a scene with her, Tristan, and James, I’d offer my ass in a second.”
A flush of lust trickled through Ezra. Goddamn, that’d be hot. Even hotter would be getting to top Kai alongside or joining in themselves.
The waitress swung by, and Ezra placed the order for three black-and-white shakes and two baskets of fries.
Sloan’s eyes twinkled. “I could get used to you ordering for me.”
“You like that, sweetness?” he asked.
“With my levels of indecision? Hell yes.” His eyes flickered with a hint of darkness. “It’s different getting bossed around with consent.”
Fucking Rick. Rage flared anew, the helpless sort. He curled his hands into fists beneath the table.
“You’ve always got the power here.” Ezra wouldn’t let the past consume him. “Both of you.”
“Are we boyfriends?” Kai asked. “Look, I’ve never been in a polyam relationship before, so I’m going to have a lot of questions.”
“Fire away,” Ezra said. “We’re going to figure out the framework of what we want and how we want it. Like, I’m happy to play with others, but when we do, I want the play to include the two of you. Whereas Sloan might want to play with others outside our relationship.”
“And yes to boyfriends.” Sloan’s grin relaxed his features.
A burst of joy flared through him. He’d never been a boyfriend, and the other gendered term had never fit him. And after he’d transitioned, everyone was too transitory to go past dating. However, Kai and Sloan were rare. The sparks he felt with both of them were ones he’d never believed he’d experience.
Not ones he’d be able to keep.
His heart thundered, and he reached out, extending his palms. Kai slipped his hand in Ezra’s immediately while Sloan took a beat more. Vulnerability buzzed between them, but instead of wanting to run from it, he embraced it.
So many problems were still to come—Rick, the potential danger at the upcoming open house, living arrangements—but tonight felt like a step forward.
For years, he’d handled blow after blow on his own until the weight of his issues threatened to send him toppling.
The idea of having Sloan and Kai by his side? A shiver raced up his spine.
Maybe he wouldn’t have to keep living to simply survive.