Chapter 6
THEO
I think about Alex a lot.
It’s not that I can’t stop myself, I just don’t want to.
I keep seeing her around town. Her office is near my house, and we’re regulars at the same coffee shop in the mornings.
We also run a similar route on Sundays, but at slightly different times.
Seeing her is the best part of my day, but I don’t think she’s noticed me once.
Not that she would, because she seems somewhat unobservant.
It’s fine. I’m not trying to get her attention.
Not yet, anyway.
***
“You seem distracted today, Theodore.”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry.”
“What’s going on?” I stare at Dr. Mills for a minute.
I can’t tell her that I’ve been out of prison for a month and I’m already having a hard time controlling my impulses.
She probably wouldn’t give me a chance to deal with it by myself.
She’d probably think I’m a recidivism risk and recommend that the parole board revoke my parole, and I’m never going back to prison.
I do have to talk to her, though, so I need to figure out how to talk about this casually.
“I might have met someone.” The tiniest crease forms between her eyebrows.
“Have you been trying to meet people?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” I raise my eyebrows at her, but she waits me out, staring patiently back at me. I can’t believe she’s going to make me say it.
“Because,” I say slowly, “it’s been a while.”
“Ah,” she says, looking down at her notes quickly. “Were you intimate with anyone in prison?”
“No.”
“Have you been intimate with anyone since you’ve been released?”
“I’m thirty-one and I just told you I didn’t have sex for nine years, so I’m pretty sure you can figure that one out for yourself.” She doesn’t seem fazed by how condescending I’m being.
“May I ask how many people you’ve been intimate with since your release?”
I grimace at her. “Do you need to know that?”
She shrugs. “I’d like to know, if you don’t mind telling me.
Sex and romantic attachment have been some of the biggest areas you’ve struggled in, so it feels relevant to me.
I think it’s important to be honest about these things.
” I stare at her and feel my knee bouncing quickly, which she clocks immediately.
“Three women.” She blinks and purses her lips at me slightly, which I’ve noticed that she does whenever she doubts that I’m being honest.
She does it a lot, which is fair. I’m usually lying about something.
I’m definitely lying about this.
“Were all of the encounters casual?”
I shrug. “Pretty much.”
“So, this person you’re telling me about…?”
“Alex.”
“How did you meet them?”
“At my lawyer’s office.”
“So it wasn’t on purpose?”
“No.”
“What makes them different?” I frown, looking out the window and thinking about it for a minute. How have I not thought about this?
“I don’t know. I just have a feeling about her.”
“What kind of feeling? Is it a good feeling? A bad feeling? Something different?” I force myself not to roll my eyes at her. I don’t know how I got saddled with the stupidest therapist the state has.
“Obviously it’s a good feeling, or I wouldn’t be interested in her.” Dr. Mills nods, keeping her face neutral and humming in a cliched, patronizing way.
“Have you felt the same way about anyone before?” It feels like she just dumped a bucket of ice water on me. Is she making this about Ashley? Oh, of fucking course she is. I take a second to compose myself before I shake my head slowly.
“It’s very different from anything I’ve felt before.” It’s much stronger, for one thing.
“Different how?” I narrow my eyes at her slightly.
“Like I said, I don’t know.” Dr. Mills considers me for a second, her lips pursed slightly.
“Do you think you’re ready to get involved with someone right now?”
“We’re not involved,” I insist. “We just met. I want to get to know her better, that’s all.”
“I’d like you to consider not pursuing it any farther than that for now.
” I stare at her blankly, trying to hide my irritation.
“I understand that it might be difficult, especially if you have a good feeling about Alex, but I think it would be wise to hold off on building a relationship with someone until you’re more settled. What do you think about that?”
I think it’s fucking stupid.
“I’ll take it into consideration.” She blinks and purses her lips at me again.
***
I think about the conversation with Dr. Mills all the way back to Astoria. Something about Alex calls out to me in a way I’ve never felt before, but I don’t know what it is. The feelings I have when I see or think about her are so different from the ones I had about Ashley.
When I met Ashley, I felt like something between us harmonized, like we complemented each other, but it was softer, subtler, less consuming. I made some impulsive, shitty choices with her, but I was able to control most of the impulses I had until she broke up with me.
I’m having a much harder time doing that with Alex.
I need to be careful and do things differently this time. With Ashley, I jumped in and started pursuing her immediately, and I overlooked all the warning signs I should have noticed. I was wrong about her.
I don’t want to be wrong about Alex.
I need to take my time and get to know her first. I need to make sure the feelings I have about her are right before I invest in starting a relationship with her. I’m not going to be impulsive about this.
The question is how to get to know her.
I know the way I should do it.
I know the way I want to do it.
In the back of my mind, I know the way I have to do it.
I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do or when I’ll do it, but it’ll probably be soon.