Chapter 10 THEO #3
She’s friendly and sociable, which I need in a partner.
I can be charming, but I generally find people boring and don’t see the point in interacting with them.
Alex, on the other hand, is friendly with everyone.
She’s a bit shy sometimes, but she smiles easily and seems interested in other people, and she gets people to open up to her even though she artfully avoids talking about herself beyond surface things.
I’m not the most open, either, but I want us to be open with each other.
Besides her casual friendliness with some regulars in her workout classes and her closeness with her coworker Bailey, she regularly sees friends on Tuesdays for trivia.
There’s a small rotating group of people, mostly men, but Alex seems most comfortable talking to a tall blonde woman with large glasses and a short androgynous woman with her coiled hair styled in long twists.
I’ve noticed that she seems more comfortable with women in general.
One of the men who joins them frequently looks at her appreciatively, buying her drinks and making a point to sit next to her.
Thankfully, she doesn’t seem to pay him any extra attention beyond the basic friendliness she shows to everyone.
She certainly doesn’t look at him the way she looks at me.
Seeing Alex at home is seeing another facet of her entirely.
She loves comfort. Her clothes are all loose and soft, her blankets and towels are all thick and plush, and her baths are all hot and long.
She drinks wine and dances around her apartment to music that was popular a decade ago, songs she knows all the words to, rarely anything new.
She watches an eclectic variety of movies and shows, including some of my Nana’s favorite old films, but she seems to watch her favorites over and over.
She spends a lot of time making warm, inviting paintings, or curling up on her couch and reading for long stretches of time.
I want to be with her when she does all of it.
I want to make her happy.
She might be perfect for me, but there are some concerning things about her.
She never cooks, she eats like shit, and she drinks a lot.
Sometimes she’ll sit curled up on her couch or bed and stare into space for a long time, and she cries often, seemingly out of nowhere.
She sleeps in a tight ball buried under her duvet and has horrible nightmares occasionally.
Strangely enough, she has a tough time with sexual pleasure.
She masturbates most nights, but the first time I watched her was one of her more successful endeavors.
She tries so hard, and seems to get close, right on the precipice, but is unable to get there.
The handful of times I’ve seen her come, it’s exceptional, but other than that, she’s so frustrated.
I watch her every night, and if she doesn’t come, I don’t let myself come.
I want to feel her frustration, and it’s awful.
It’s been less than a week, and I don’t know how she stands it.
She won’t have to stand it much longer.
***
“So, are you still seeing Alex?” Dr. Mills cocks her head slightly, smiling openly at me. I glance up at the clock. Fifteen minutes and I’m free.
“Mmhmmm.”
“How’s it going?” I shrug, looking out the window.
“Good.”
“Have you two been intimate yet?” I look back at her in surprise.
“No.”
“I think that’s wise. Is that your choice or hers?”
“I’m still getting to know her, so it hasn’t happened yet.”
Dr. Mills smiles a little. “How do you feel about that?”
“I’m trying to be patient,” I say slowly, working hard to keep the condescension out of my voice.
“Tell me about that.”
I cross my arms over my chest, frowning at her. “Why?”
“Well, sex and romantic relationships are big for you, so I think being open about them will help us address any potential issues early.” I look out the window, running my hand through my hair and resenting how nosy she is, which she seems to pick up on.
“You can be as detailed or vague as you feel comfortable being,” she says softly.
I sigh. “Fine. I care about Alex, and I want to wait until it’s the right time, but it’s hard to be patient.” Especially because I watch her constantly and I haven’t let myself come in days because she hasn’t, but Dr. Mills does not need to know that. She gives me a searching look.
“Would you consider answering a very personal question for me?” I raise my eyebrows at her. “How many sexual partners have you had?”
I snort and look away from her. “Um, a lot.”
“Were these girlfriends or casual encounters or something in between?”
“Aside from Ashley, it was usually just sex.”
“Why is that?” I shrug, glancing back up at the clock.
“I lose interest quickly.”
She hums thoughtfully. “Why do you think that is?” I shrug again. These questions are making me uncomfortable.
“I’ve never felt connected to anyone besides Ashley.”
“So, you feel connected to Alex?” I struggle to keep my face neutral.
“I guess so.” From the look that flits across her face, she knows I’m downplaying.
“What was your sex life with Ashley like?”
I narrow my eyes at her suspiciously. “We had a lot of sex, which is normal considering that we were in college and I was in love with her.”
“What did Ashley think about your sex life?”
Oh, fuck her. She’s absolutely read Ashley’s victim impact statement if she’s asking this. I take a deep breath, tamping down my anger as I look up at the ceiling.
“I think she called me a sex addict who’d rather fuck her than talk to her or something like that. What’s your point?”
“Do you agree with her opinion at all, in retrospect?” I work hard not to roll my eyes at her.
“I acknowledge that it’s how she felt, but I disagree. We’d always been on different pages about our relationship, apparently, and I think she was unnecessarily harsh because she was angry about what happened.” Dr. Mills hums in acknowledgement and looks down at her notes briefly.
“Do you think your relationship with sexual desire is healthy?”
“It’s fine,” I say quickly.
“It feels like it takes up a lot of space for you,” she ventures, looking at me appraisingly.
“What’s your fucking point?” Her eyebrows raise slightly at my tone.
“Theodore, I think you might use sex as a sort of shortcut to the deeper emotional connection you want in a relationship, and I’m concerned you’re going to repeat that pattern with Alex.
” A chill sweeps through my body, but I ignore it.
“I understand that new relationships are exciting, and sexual connection is a healthy part of that, but if you’re pursuing a real relationship instead of a casual one, I’d like you to consider that the most important part of any connection you’re building needs to take place outside of the bedroom. ”
“I’m aware of that.” She blinks and purses her lips a little, but I’m not lying. Maybe I’m misreading her expression.
***
After considering the conversation on the drive home, I resentfully acknowledge that Dr. Mills might have a point.
I know Alex and I are connected, and I think she can sense it, but she still needs to see it for herself. Any plans I made definitely got sidetracked after I watched her masturbate, which I should have known was going to be a problem.
I take a deep breath and think of the things I like about Alex that have nothing to do with sex. She’s sweet. She’s friendly. She’s creative. She’s sensitive. She’s smart. She’s perfect for me, and our relationship will be perfect.
Fuck it, I’ll run into her tomorrow and ask her to dinner.
I know she’ll say yes, and she might even let me make her dinner, which would be ideal.
Either way, it’ll be nice to make her eat a proper meal, because how she eats is bothering the shit out of me.
She had a jar of kalamata olives and two pears for dinner last night, which is ludicrous.
She should have a nice meal every night, just like she should get to come every night.
I can give her that, but I need to be patient for a bit longer.
I’ll just suffer in the meantime, watching her eat random ingredients and unsuccessfully masturbate and sleep alone every night.
I pull up my driveway and head for the basement rather than my office or bedroom, working out for an hour and trying to refocus myself.
I need to be patient, and I can be patient for her.
We’ll be together soon, I just need to keep my shit together and follow my fucking plan.
I don’t really want it to take that long, but she might need it to take that long.
I want things to be based on her wants and needs, not mine.
I manage to avoid watching the cameras as I make dinner and take a shower, but I head to my office the second I’m out of the bathroom. I just want to check on her and see what she’s doing. It’s early, barely eight, so she’s probably reading or painting or watching a movie.
Maybe I’ll watch the same movie and casually bring it up when I see her tomorrow.
I pull up the camera feeds and all thoughts eddy out of my head. She’s on her bed, watching porn, writhing in skimpy red lingerie and fucking herself. I barely notice that I’m jerking off, because it’s agony to watch her.
I want those to be my fingers inside of her.
She switches to her vibrator, and I can tell she’s exceptionally frustrated from her needy little whimpering sounds.
She alternates between thrusting the vibrator inside of herself and focusing on her clit, turning it all the way up as she gets closer.
She gasps as her leg tenses up, and I start coming just as her whole body jerks violently.
Her eyes snap open, and she huffs angrily before throwing her vibrator against the bed.
Oh, my god.
She didn’t come.
My plans and my tenuous patience disintegrate immediately as I watch her cover her face with a pillow and groan in frustration. All of my impulses about Alex have been right, and my overwhelming impulse right now is to go over there and take care of her.
I quickly clean myself up, throw clothes on, dump some things I bought for us into my backpack and into my pockets, and I’m in my car before I know it.
The conversation with Dr. Mills today seems so irrelevant now.
Her bullshit doesn’t apply to this situation because Alex and I are connected, and I know what she needs.
We’re basically together at this point, anyway, and everything will fall into place after we have sex.
I think she probably connects best through sex the same way that I do, and I’m positive she’ll feel our connection the second we touch.
I’ve been trying to make sure everything goes perfectly, but I don’t think that’s going to work with Alex.
I think I need to be more intuitive with her, like right now.
I know I’m right when I hear Alex crying softly through her front door.
She doesn’t need me to be patient.
She needs us to be together.