Chapter 11 ALEX #4
I steel myself before I open my bedroom door slowly, peeking out into the living room.
I have the distinct feeling that I’m looking into an alternate universe.
There’s a huge bouquet of pink peonies on my coffee table, a row of gift bags lined up neatly on the breakfast bar, and I can smell something sweet and cinnamony from the kitchen.
I walk slowly through the living room, peering into the kitchen, where I see Theo standing at the stove in a pair of joggers and a t-shirt, his posture relaxed and his hair a little messy.
He looks up and sees me, his faint dimples appearing as his mouth picks up into a crooked, affectionate smile.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he says, his voice warm and slightly raspy from sleep.
“I’m making French toast. You want coffee?
” I blink slowly, confused. My brain isn’t working right, because I can’t understand anything that’s happening.
His smile falters when I don’t respond, and he comes into the living room, reaching out for me.
My body floods with fear and a familiar helplessness, and I flinch away from him. His face becomes confused and hurt as I back away from him quickly, my shoulder hitting the door frame of my bedroom.
“Alex, are you okay?” My brain comes back online fast as he reaches for me again.
I didn’t leave Boston to die like this.
“Don’t touch me, you fucking psycho!” I shriek, shoving past him and running into the kitchen, grabbing the big kitchen knife from the drawer and spinning to face him. I see him walking towards me slowly, his hands up in a placating manner, and I thrust the knife out in front of me.
“Don’t move!” He frowns but doesn’t come any closer.
“Alex, put the knife down,” he says slowly, his voice low and soothing.
“No!”
“Um, okay,” he says, frowning and glancing to my right.
“Can you please turn off the stove and move the pan off the heat? The toast is burning.” I’d think he was trying to distract me if I didn’t smell the burning from next to me, but I keep my eyes on him as I reach out blindly, finding the correct knob and turning it off.
I reach for the handle of the pan but grab the hot rim instead, shoving it backward as I cry out in pain. I clutch my burnt hand to my chest, keeping the knife raised towards Theo as he stares at my hand in horror.
“Sweetheart, I can tell you’re upset, but please let me look at your hand.
That pan was really hot.” I hesitate before I raise my hand, my palm facing him, and he grimaces.
“Fuck. Okay, um, shit. How about you keep the knife, but you let me bandage you up?
" He walks backward slowly, watching me as he heads towards the first aid kit he left on the coffee table.
My eyes dart towards the door.
“Stay right there,” he says, noticing me glance at the door.
“Run your hand under some cold water.” He keeps his eyes on me, only briefly glancing away to rifle through the first aid kit, so I don’t think I can make a run for it.
I move quickly, setting down the knife to turn on the faucet.
The cold water stings my hand, and I hiss in pain as Theo walks slowly back into the kitchen with gauze and a small roll of tape, looking concerned.
I snatch up the knife and point it toward him, trying and failing to keep my hand from shaking.
We stand there, staring at each other and the quivering knife between us.
Theo takes a deep breath and tries to smile.
“Alex, I’m not going to hurt you, I promise, so will you please let me look at your hand?” I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. This man broke into my house, raped me, and now he’s going to kill me. I know I shouldn’t let him touch me, but my hand really hurts.
I need some kind of control over this situation.
“If you make one wrong move, I’ll fucking kill you,” I say, trying to sound tough even though I can hear my voice wavering.
Theo nods and moves very slowly, turning off the water and looking at my palm closely, seeming more upset about my hand than the knife I’ve got a few inches away from his body.
He starts to dry my hand carefully with a paper towel.
“It doesn’t look too bad, probably just a first-degree burn,” he says quietly.
“Let me wrap you up.” He’s so gentle as he places gauze across my palm, and I get distracted for a second by how nice it is to be cared for.
I lose focus, watching the way he carefully presses down the tape on my hand, obviously trying not to hurt me.
Losing focus is a fucking mistake.
One of his hands shoots out and grabs my wrist, twisting hard and fast, and the knife drops out of my hand, skittering across the floor and under the fridge.
Theo’s face becomes tense and frustrated, and I scream as he backs me into the wall.
He pins me with his hips, one hand still on my wrist, the other coming up and gripping my jaw, lifting my gaze to meet his.
“If you’re upset with me, fucking talk to me. Don’t ever threaten me with violence again. That’s not how we’re going to handle conflict, understood?” I stare at him blankly.
What the fuck?
I’m so scared and confused that I’m completely unresisting as he pulls me away from the wall, leading me out of the kitchen and pushing me gently down onto the couch.
He goes back into the kitchen and returns with two cups of coffee, sitting next to me and handing me one, but my hand is shaking so badly that the coffee spills over the rim.
He runs his hand through his hair, exhaling harshly.
“Okay, why don’t you tell me why you’re upset? That came out of fucking nowhere.” Is he joking? I set the coffee down on the table slowly, my mind racing.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Breaking in? Being here? Doing…” I gesture to the bedroom, “…that.” The panic and fear break to the surface, and I start to cry.
“What is happening?” Theo looks confused and worried as he sets his coffee down and reaches for me, but I flinch away from him.
He winces and touches me anyway, his hands rubbing my shoulders soothingly.
“Alex, calm down, okay? I think you’re just overwhelmed.
This isn’t exactly how I thought things would go, but you needed me so badly last night that I knew it was the right time.
” I stare at him and cry, not understanding what he’s talking about.
He takes in my face and frowns. “Come here, sweetheart. Everything’s okay.
” He pulls me close, and I try to get away from him, but his arms tighten and he won’t let me go.
“This is all going to work out, I promise.”
“What are you talking about?” Theo pulls back and gently brushes the tears from my cheeks, giving me a reassuring look.
“I’m talking about our relationship, Alex.”
I freeze up, my body going cold and my heart starting to race.
No way.
No fucking way.
“We’re finally together now,” he says with a soft smile.
Suddenly, I’m seventeen again, numb and devastated and confused in the backseat of a car, the scent of stale cigarette smoke surrounding me.
“This means we’re together, Alice.”
I can feel more tears streaming down my face as I start hyperventilating, and Theo frowns at me.
“Hey, everything’s okay. I’ve got you.” His words start mixing with Danny’s in an inescapable cacophony.
“I’ll take care of you now.”
“Can you take a deep breath for me? You don’t have to cry.”
“Can you stop fucking crying?”
“I know it’s a lot, sweetheart.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t want this.”
My vision starts tunneling, so I close my eyes, shutting out Theo’s scared face.
I can hear him talking, but I’m too deep inside myself to make out his words.
I can feel him moving my body, but I’m not there anymore.
I dive deeper into the small, secret place inside myself where I can’t feel anything, and I hide.
***
I don’t know how long I’m gone for, but I slowly become aware of soft pressure on my chest and stomach, and I can feel Theo’s hard body pressed into my back.
He pulls in a deep breath, and I pull in a shuddering breath a moment later.
He exhales slowly, and I follow, exhaling shakily.
I start to feel more sensation return as my breathing slows down and deepens, and we stay like that, breathing together until I can feel my hands again.
I open my eyes and look down at how we’re sitting, our legs across my small couch, Theo’s bent at the knees and bracketing mine.
He’s placed his hands on my chest and stomach to help me to breathe with him.
I pull away from him and stand up, but I can’t totally control my body yet, and he helps me to my feet when I stumble.
“What do you need?” His voice is soft in my ear, his hands gentle on my shoulders.
I don’t respond as I walk to the bathroom slowly, staring down at the bathtub for a long moment before I can make my hands turn on the tap.
Theo disappears for a second as I wait for the water to get hot, returning with an array of gift bags.
I ignore him, keeping my unbandaged hand in the stream of water.
Nothing exists for me outside of the slowly rising temperature.
Once the water is finally warm, I plug the tub and strip, sitting in the filling bathtub and pulling my knees to my chest. I rest my arms across my knees and curl in on myself, laying my chin on my arms as I watch Theo.
His face is blank, and he seems calm as he pulls things out of the bags, uncorking a glass vial of salt and rose petals and dumping it into the bath.
He grabs a small wooden tray and fits it over the tub’s rim, creating a shelf in front of me that he starts putting things on.
Salt scrub. Body oil. More vials of bath salt.
He gets my coffee and a glass of water and sets them on the tray, turning off the water once the bathtub is full.
He sits on the rim of the bathtub, looking at me with that same blank face.
“Does that happen to you often?” I roll my head back, looking at the ceiling. I debate lying, but I’m so exhausted that I just answer him.
“Not since I left.”
“Left where?”
“Home.”
“Do you know what triggered it?”
“You.” His brows knit together, and he cocks his head slightly, frowning deeply. I close my eyes, blocking him out. “You’re taking everything away. Why are men always taking things from me?” He’s quiet for a long time before he responds.
“I’m not taking anything from you, Alex. We’re together now, so we’re adding to each other’s lives. I know it’s a lot, and I was overwhelmed at first, too, but I promise everything will be okay. You’ll see.” I shake my head and close my eyes.
I’m too tired to cry, so I don’t.
He’s broken into my house, he’s raped me, and he’s fucking insane.
He’s probably going to kill me soon.
That would be a relief.
Once the water is cold, Theo pulls the plug and helps me out of the tub, offering me a plush bathrobe.
It’s always easier if I don’t fight it, so I don’t.
He wraps me up, drying my legs with a towel and squeezing the water out of my hair.
He won’t stop touching me as he leads me to the bed, and I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness as I drop the bathrobe and lie down, closing my eyes and opening my legs.
I just want it to be over already.
When Theo pulls the duvet over me, I open my eyes and look at him in confusion. His jaw is tight and his eyes are wide, and he seems concerned, for some reason.
“You should rest, okay? We can talk later.” He kisses my forehead and slips out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him.
When he doesn’t return, I curl up into a tight ball and fall asleep.