Chapter 15 ALEX #3
“Do you actually want to stop? I can’t tell,” he says, his voice a low whisper. I’m so shocked that I stop crying, blinking up at him in confusion.
I don’t understand what’s happening.
“Yes,” I whisper. Theo looks at me for a second, his eyes dropping to my lips, and then he grins.
“Right,” he says, drawing out the vowel and rolling his eyes a little before the arm around my throat tightens and the hand on my jaw covers my mouth as he thrusts into me hard.
I scream, hearing his soft laugh in my hair.
“Shut the fuck up and take it,” he says, his voice low and harsh as he drives into me.
My eyes roll back from the sensation and the lack of air as his arm tightens around my throat further, and traitorous heat pools in my core again.
I feel so helpless and overwhelmed that I start to cry again. I don’t want to come for him, don’t want my body to like this, and I start shaking my head as much as I can.
“No, no, no,” I mumble under his hand as the pressure builds in my body until I can’t take it anymore.
“You’re going to come for me,” he whispers, moving his hand off my mouth to start circling my clit hard, “whether you want to or not.” My eyes go wide, and I start unraveling beneath him, the tension in my spine snapping quickly and pleasure flooding my body, whimpers and moans slipping from my mouth.
“Fuck yes,” he says under his breath, his hips snapping into me hard.
He swears as he comes, the arm around my throat slipping down across my shoulders, his hand gripping my arm hard.
My body slumps forward as he finally drops his arm, and I groan from the pain in my upper back and the feeling of emptiness as he pulls out of me.
My orgasm washes away my ability to fully understand what’s happening, and everything seems hazy as I lie across the arm of the couch.
At some point, my wrists are unbound, and my arms fall to my sides.
My body feels limp and my brain feels like mush as Theo gently pulls me off the arm of the couch and into his arms, pushing my skirt down around my legs.
He grabs a blanket off the back of the sofa and wraps it around me, kissing my hair as he holds me against him.
I stare into the empty fire grate, warmth and tingling numbness coursing across my skin.
Theo holds me close, his fingers trailing along my skin and his lips buried in my hair, praising me for being so good for him, for taking it so well, for doing such a good job.
I hate to admit it, but it feels nice.
The other part felt nice, too, but I don’t understand why.
I never liked it when Danny did it.
I barely even felt it when Danny did it, I just pretended it wasn’t happening. I didn’t want to pretend it wasn’t happening with Theo, but I don’t know why not.
I don’t understand why Theo seemed concerned about me at one point. Danny never fucking noticed me.
I sit there, staring into space, too confused to be scared. I feel Theo’s knee start bouncing against my leg, and I see out of the corner of my eye that he keeps looking down at me with a concerned expression, but he keeps stroking my skin and saying sweet things, which makes me feel less numb.
I settle back into my body just as a phone alarm goes off in his back pocket.
“Sweetheart, I need to go check on dinner. Are you okay?” I look up at him, and his face is momentarily concerned, but whatever he sees on my face makes him smirk.
“Oh, you’re definitely okay.” He kisses my forehead and stands up, settling me back on the couch.
I sit there dazed and not fully present while he does something in the kitchen.
I struggle to think as I hear him moving around the kitchen and dining room, but every thought is like water in my hands.
He’s gentle with me when he comes back into the room to lead me into the dining room, where the table is set with plates of fragrant food and glasses of water and wine.
He pulls my chair out and kisses my temple as I sit.
I look up at him smiling softly at me, and then back down at the food.
The chicken smells divine, but I don’t touch it.
“Is this drugged?” He looks taken aback and lets out a startled laugh.
“Jesus, of course not.” I watch him start to eat and then cut off a small piece of chicken and spear a mushroom and place it tentatively into my mouth, surprised at how good it is.
The food grounds me a little, and I have some of the meager amount of red wine in the glass in front of me, which grounds me more.
I wait for a minute or two, pushing food around on my plate, and when I don’t feel drugged, I eat another bite.
The more I’m grounded back in my body, the more stressed I am, and the less of an appetite I have. I put the utensils down, catching Theo staring at me with this weird, focused look.
“Don’t you like it?” I blink at him for a second before the first thing I think spills out of my mouth.
“It’s a good last meal, I guess.” Theo looks startled before his face breaks into a grin.
“I didn’t know you had such a dark sense of humor.” I shrug and don’t eat any more, which he frowns at. “Are you seriously not hungry? You haven’t eaten all day.” I cut another small piece of chicken and eat it to appease him. I’m not hungry, but he seems weird about food.
We eat in silence for a while as I attempt to figure out what I’m supposed to do here. He’s going to kill me, but my mind is blurry from the wine and the sex, and I’m too tired to play along or even care that much.
“Why are you doing this?”
Theo shrugs. “I know we were supposed to do this Wednesday, but you didn’t eat anything today, and I thought making you dinner would be nice.” I frown at the earnest look on his face.
Does he seriously think I’m talking about dinner?
“Why are you stalking me, Theo?” His mouth tightens and his jaw clenches as his expression closes off.
“Alexandria, I know this weekend was tough and it didn’t really go how I thought it would, but we’re together now, so please stop being rude to me. Also, you came here tonight, okay?”
Oh my god, he’s insane.
“Why did you rape me?” Theo grimaces and looks away from me as he sips his wine.
“Can we please keep that one in the bedroom? It makes me uncomfortable.” I stare at him, my eyes wide, and a small lash of anger cuts through the haze in my mind.
“Oh, does being called a rapist hurt your feelings or something?” He looks at me with confusion before his eyes widen in horror.
“We’re on the same page, right?” he asks slowly, his voice strained.
“What page?” His eye twitches slightly, and he takes a long, deep breath as he gets out of his chair and crosses over to mine, getting in my space and pushing me back against the high back of the chair, his expression serious and his voice quiet.
“You’re starting to worry me, so I need you to stop lying and playing games. Tell me if you wanted it. Now.” He’s watching me intently, and I look away from him, embarrassed.
“I didn’t want that.” He exhales harshly and turns away from me.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Alexandria,” he hisses, leveling me with a stern look as he sits back in his chair. “Don’t scare me like that. That’s fucked up, honestly.” I blink at him, stunned.
“What is wrong with you?”
“Well, my girlfriend sucks at boundaries, for one thing,” he says under his breath as he grabs his wine glass. Anger floods through me and I have to keep from throwing something at him.
“I’m not your fucking girlfriend!”
Theo raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Okay,” he says slowly. “It’s new. We can wait on labels, I guess.”
“You’re fucking insane!”
“Don’t talk to me like that,” he snaps.
“Why not? You’re just going to kill me!” His face flashes with shock.
“Are you fucking serious? I would never hurt you. You don’t need to be afraid of me, Alex.” He seems so earnest and hurt that I laugh at him.
“You’re a great liar.”
“Oh, Jesus fucking Christ,” he hisses, snatching up the abandoned plates and leaving the room.
I stay in the dining room while Theo tidies the kitchen, drinking more wine and staring at the wall, trying hard to think. If he’s serious about this boyfriend delusion, maybe he’s not going to kill me tonight. Maybe I can get out of here and regroup.
When he returns to the dining room, the decanter is empty and I’m pretty drunk. Theo leans against the doorway, eyeing me critically and frowning when he sees all the wine is gone.
“Let’s get you to bed. It’s been a long day, and you’ve had a lot to drink, which explains your fucking behavior,” he mutters.
I try to keep my face neutral and not roll my eyes at him for being so fucking passive-aggressive.
He’s still acting like a pissed-off boyfriend, not a murderer, so I think I have a chance.
“Um, thanks for dinner, but I’m going to go. I have work tomorrow, and all my stuff is at home.” Theo sighs and comes towards me, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the chair.
“You have stuff here, and we can swing by your place for your bag tomorrow.” He pulls me up the narrow staircase and down a long hallway to a large bedroom with a king-sized bed and a small fireplace.
I notice there are no personal effects, no photos, nothing indicating someone lives here.
Just like downstairs, it’s so neat it seems staged, and that takes up all the limited space in my drunk, overwhelmed brain.
“Did you just move in?” His mouth twitches into a quick frown.
“Kinda. I grew up here, but I just moved back two months ago.”
“Why aren’t there any photos?”
He shrugs. “They’re in storage, I think. I haven’t finished unpacking.” His smile is tight as he leads me to a bathroom down the hall. “Why don’t you get ready for bed? I’ll lay out some clothes for tomorrow.” He closes me into a large bathroom with a clawfoot tub, and I focus on my breathing.
The medicine cabinet is small but tidy, everything facing label out.
There’s a small shelf filled with unopened skincare products from a brand I used religiously when I lived in Boston, a large glass bottle of a perfume I love, two expensive electric toothbrushes, toothpaste, a heavy silver safety razor, a small bottle of shaving cream, and not much else.
I ignore the skincare and perfume and brush my teeth for a long time, not looking at myself in the mirror.
How long has this been going on for him?
As I walk back into the empty bedroom, I keep my eyes down, noticing a small pile of clothes on the dresser and a short, silky nightgown lying across the bed.
I don’t want to accept things from him, but I really don’t want to sleep naked with him.
I put on the nightgown and crawl into bed, sitting up against the headboard and wrapping my arms around my knees, waiting.
Theo comes in a few minutes later with a glass of water and two pills, offering them to me.
I look at the pills and shake my head quickly, and he rolls his eyes.
“It’s fucking ibuprofen,” he mutters, popping one in his mouth and taking a sip of water. I watch him for a minute before taking the other from him and draining the glass of water. Theo leaves the room, and I can hear him brushing his teeth. I lie on my back and close my eyes, fighting off tears.
I thought getting away from Danny would be enough to keep me safe, but I was wrong. I know what’s coming next, so I’ll choose to let it happen. I was right to drink that much, because being drunk makes everything easier. It always has.
The lights go off, and the mattress dips as Theo gets in bed next to me, leaning over me and cupping my face in his hand before kissing me gently. I flinch and don’t kiss him back, but I will my body to stay relaxed.
Theo will probably kill me during sex, so it’s going to be easier if I’m relaxed.
He pulls away with a displeased sound. “Can we talk about the flinching?” I keep my eyes closed but scoff at him a little.
“Alex, look at me,” he begs, his voice pleading.
I open my eyes to see him hovering over me, his face concerned.
“Sweetheart, please talk to me.” I’m so exhausted and don’t have the energy to play along, so I roll my eyes at him.
“Just do it,” I say, my voice flat.
I watch as his face moves from concern to confusion. “What?”
“Just kill me already.” A horrified expression creeps across his face.
“What the fuck?” He stops touching me immediately and rolls onto his back, sighing hard, his hands scrubbing over his face and back through his hair.
I don’t say anything as I look up at the ceiling, focusing on a long, thin crack in the plaster.
We lie there in silence, listening to a ship’s horn blare in the distance.
After a long moment, one of his hands finds mine under the blanket, and I flinch as he twines our fingers together.
“Alex, I’m never going to hurt you, I promise. We’re adjusting, and part of that is learning to trust each other. It’ll be so much easier once you trust me,” he says softly. I slip my hand out of his and turn away from him, curling into a ball and shoving my emotions down so I can think.
He’s delusional, but he wants to think he won’t hurt me, which means I can push until I figure out the boundaries of his delusion and then find a way out.
I’m smart, and I can make this work if I’m careful.
I can get through this, whatever the fuck this is, the way I used to – minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
And then, when I can, I’ll fucking run.