Chapter 18 THEO
THEO
I look over at Alex asleep in the passenger seat, relieved that this is finally going well.
I think she’s adjusting. I was right that not having sex is what she needed to open up to me, because Alex has been so warm towards me this weekend.
The way she smiled at me this morning was real.
It only lasted a second, but it happened.
I can’t believe how badly I fucked this up from the start.
If I’d just followed my goddamn plan, maybe this would have been a perfect weekend.
Maybe she would have answered my questions instead of dancing around them.
Maybe she would have curled up in my arms while we watched the movie.
Maybe she would have smiled at me for longer than a second.
Maybe she’d kiss me back. Maybe this would have been the right time for us to have sex.
I should have known better than to give in to my stupid impulses.
This is so different from the last time I felt connected to someone.
Ashley and I worked immediately, and controlling my impulses with her was easy, at least until she left me.
I can barely fucking control myself when it comes to Alex.
My impulses are so different with her - they’re stronger, and more possessive, and much harder to ignore.
I loved Ashley so much that I wound up in prison, and I didn’t have nearly this level of connection with her.
That’s a little scary to think about.
***
Alex is tired when I leave her in the living room, but she’s still the same person I’ve had all weekend, the person I want her to be with me.
When she walks into the kitchen for more wine, though, that person is gone.
Her face is neutral, but she avoids making direct eye contact with me as she pours herself another glass of wine.
Goddammit, she’s withdrawing from me.
“Dodgers are up,” she says absently before heading back to the living room. I follow her, abandoning dinner.
“Sweetheart? Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, just tired.” I watch her mouth when she speaks. She’s not lying - she is tired, but I can tell that’s not the whole truth. Does she know that I can tell when she’s lying? That would make this harder.
“Um, okay. It’s pretty early, but maybe you should go to bed.”
“I’ll just go home, actually,” she says softly, not looking at me.
“Sure, we can go to your place after dinner.” She raises her eyebrows at her wine glass and takes a long sip, gearing up to withdraw from me further.
“It would be nice to be alone tonight.” I smile at her, trying to hide my displeasure. That’s not going to fucking happen, but I don’t want to tell her that.
I’ve learned that the more alone time she has, the more she withdraws from me, and letting her withdraw when things are going well is a bad idea. I want her to want what we were sharing this weekend.
The longer it takes me to answer, the more resigned her face gets.
“Never mind,” she says quietly. “Let’s go after dinner.”
“Sounds good, sweetie,” I say, heading back to the kitchen. I know I’m being an asshole, but I don’t understand why she’s pushing me away like this. She was finally opening up.
She keeps pushing me away all night. She barely talks to me and barely eats, but I don’t say anything because she’s sensitive about food.
She drinks, though, and the more she drinks, the more irritated she seems. When we get back to her place, she seems pissed that I’m there and snaps at me when I ask if she’s okay, slamming the bedroom door in my face.
I’m working hard to keep my temper under control, but she’s being a fucking brat.
Oh. Oh?
I turn the TV on, turn the volume up, and pull up the camera feeds. I watch as she undresses quickly, storming around her room and drawing herself a bath.
She knows I watch her and has been spending as little time naked as possible, but not today. Today, she’s walking around her bedroom in nothing, even though her apartment is frigid. I force myself to stay on the couch, but my knee starts bouncing.
Not fucking Alex has been what she’s needed to open up to me, but it’s only been manageable because she hasn’t seemed to want sex at all.
When I watch her grab her vibrator and head into the bathroom, I know I have to leave immediately.
I need to wait until she asks for it, but knowing she wants it and isn’t asking is going to make it harder for me to control myself.
That’s what got us into this fucking mess in the first place.
I walk into her bedroom and knock on the bathroom door gently, watching on the camera as she hears me but doesn’t stop. I can hear the low buzz of the vibrator in the water through the door.
I think she wants to get caught.
I need to leave now.
“Sweetie, I’m going to head home, okay?” I watch on my phone as she drops her head back over the rim of the tub, closing her eyes. I can’t keep watching this.
“I thought you were going to stay the night?” She sounds so hopeful. I slip my phone into my pocket and back away from the bathroom door. I need to get away from her.
“Um, no. Please text me if you need help coming, okay?” I call out over my shoulder as I force myself to leave her apartment.
“You have a camera in here? You fucking pervert!” I hear her shouting through the paper-thin walls as I hurry down the stairs and rush out of her building. By the time I’m home, she’s in bed and trying again, and finally seems to be getting somewhere.
She knows I’m watching. Is this her asking?
Theo, 10:15 PM:
Do you need help?
Please say yes. I watch her flinch when she hears the text, and it seems to ruin it for her.
It’s definitely not her asking.
She grabs the phone, puts it on silent, and starts again. She gets close, but after a few more minutes, both of us realize it’s not going to happen for her.
She hasn’t masturbated since we started dating, and I know she wants to have sex with me, but she’s fucking stubborn. I don’t want to have sex with her until she asks, which means my life is about to get a whole lot harder.
I need her to know that she can trust me.
As I watch her, I realize that I need her to trust me sooner rather than later. She’s lying in bed under the covers, curled into a ball and shaking a little bit, crying so quietly that I can barely hear her. She’s trying to hide it from me, and I’m starting to get concerned about her.
I wish she’d just let me in.