Chapter 24
THEO
I give Alex space after Saturday, mostly because she’s freaked out about the prison thing but also because I’m freaking the fuck out about our fight.
She tried to hit me, and then I kicked her out like a fucking asshole instead of talking to her and resolving the issue.
I know she’s dealing with a lot because of her ex.
I know that’s probably all this is, but it felt personal, like she really wanted to hit me.
Maybe she did.
For the first time, I wish I could actually talk to Dr. Mills about my feelings.
It felt like right before Adam walked up, things were finally easy between us. Alex stood closer to me, she was affectionate with me, she gave me a genuine smile when we were joking around – she was adjusting.
Now I have to start over.
Fuck, why is this so hard? We work so well together, but she just won’t let it happen.
I’ve been more open with her than I’ve been with anyone in a long time, but she just won’t let me in.
She went home on Saturday and cried for hours, and she hasn’t eaten much in the last two days, but she still won’t call me.
She watched a video on YouTube about managing her anger, though, so she’s trying.
Alex, 4:39 PM:
can i come over after trivia
we should talk
Holy shit, she’s reaching out to fix it. She’s really trying.
Theo, 4:41 PM:
I’ll make dinner.
I do my best to stay calm. I clean, I meditate, I masturbate, I work out, I repeat.
I’m something approaching calm by the time Alex’s trivia thing starts, so I go down and watch her from the bar across the street.
She seems subdued, not as chatty with her girlfriends as usual.
Two of their other friends are there, people I’ve seen before, but I fixate on the blonde guy sitting next to Alex.
Does she realize he kind of looks like Danny?
Similar hair color, similar jaw shape, shorter but with a similar build.
He’s so obviously interested in her, so how the fuck does she not see it?
Does she see it, and she just likes the attention?
Is she going to run into this guy’s arms anytime we have a fight?
That won’t end well for him.
I’m getting worked up, so I focus on my breathing and think about it logically.
I’ve seen Alex flirt, and she’s terrible at it in a cute way, but it’s very obvious when she’s doing it.
She’s not flirting with him, as far as I can tell.
I think about how she is with me in public - somewhat standoffish, but very aware of me and generally accepting of my affection.
I think about the few videos of her and Danny on his social media, how she seemed to stay close and slightly behind him, as if she were hiding from him.
For someone so unobservant, she’s extremely aware of the person she’s with.
I watch closely at how she interacts with this guy, and she seems to be genuinely unaware of his attention towards her.
The way he sits near her and reaches up to tuck the tag into the back of her sweater makes me want to fucking punch him, but the fact that Alex barely registers it makes me feel marginally better.
He finally gets her undivided attention, and I fucking hate that Alex seems even somewhat interested in what he’s talking about, so I pull out my phone to text her.
Theo, 8:49 PM:
What do you want for dinner?
Alex grabs her phone in the middle of him saying something to read my text, and he looks irritated as she starts responding immediately.
Alex, 8:49 PM:
something light?
i’m not hungry
thanks theo
I let out a long breath, tension bleeding out of my shoulders as she looks back up at the guy, seeming to apologize as she puts her phone back on the table, screen up. I think she’d grab it again if I texted her right now, so I need to calm down.
Couples fight, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to fucking cheat on me.
I don’t think she’s like that.
I stay at the bar, watching Alex and trying to stay calm.
Our relationship is so different than I thought it would be, and every time I think things are going well, something happens to fuck it up.
I know our conversation tonight is going to suck, but it might also be an opportunity to fix things between us.
It’ll work out.
It has to.
Once trivia is almost over, I pay out and cross the street, waiting outside the bar for her. She walks out with her friends a few minutes later, not noticing me at all, and I watch closely at how they interact.
“...don’t know who chose the theme this week, but it sucked,” the blonde guy says, and Alex laughs in a way I can tell is slightly insincere and placating.
“I liked it, but I like classic literature,” she says, shrugging. “My mom read a ton of it to me as a kid, although reading a six-year-old Anna Karenina is a weird move, in retrospect.” Her friends laugh, and a pang of jealousy rings through me.
Why isn’t she telling me things like that?
“Yeah, I guess it was cool,” he says in response. “Do you need a ride home tonight, Alex?”
I’m absolutely going to punch this fucking guy.
“No, thanks. I’m meeting a friend soon.”
Are we friends? Are you supposed to be friends with people you date? I walk up to her group, approaching Alex from behind.
“What kind of friend?” her shorter girlfriend asks in a teasing tone.
“A good one, hopefully,” I say, stepping close into Alex’s space. She startles, turning around into me and taking a quick step backwards. She doesn’t meet my eyes as a blush spills across her cheeks, and she turns back to her friends, leaning slightly back towards me, obviously flustered.
I shove my hands in my pockets to keep myself from reaching for her.
“Oh, um, guys, this is Theo,” she says quickly, gesturing at me.
“Theo, these are my friends Anna, Will, Jessica, and Ben.” Greetings are exchanged, and Alex gets a curious look from her friend Anna, while Jessica looks me up and down before smirking at Alex.
I nod at Will, who seems polite but disinterested, and I meet Ben’s eyes briefly, smiling at him when he looks vaguely irritated.
I want to claim Alex in some way, but I know she’d be pissed if I touched her right now.
We’re still fighting, and she seems extremely protective of her friends, but I can’t fucking help it – I need to tell them she’s mine somehow.
I lean down slightly into her space, keeping my voice quiet, but loud enough to be heard by all of them.
“Are you ready to go? I’ve got dinner waiting at home.” Alex shoots me a cold look over her shoulder.
“Sure,” she says tightly, and I can tell she’s not pleased with me.
“I’ll see you guys next week,” she says to her friends before she turns away and lets me lead her back towards my place.
I don’t touch her, but I walk close to her, hearing her phone ping a few times as we walk in tense silence for a block.
“Did your mom actually read you Anna Karenina as a kid?” Her demeanor softens, and she smiles a little wistfully and nods.
“Yeah, she did. Went right over my head, but I dreamed of wheat fields for a while.” I look down at her and smile, wondering what she was like as a little kid.
“She also read me kids’ books, like a normal mom.
My favorite was Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
I made her read it to me a hundred times, easily.
It was her favorite as a kid, too. It’s why she na-” Alex fakes a cough, and I try to hide my smile.
She basically just told me why her mom named her Alice.
“She painted a ton of the art from the books on my bedroom walls when I was born,” Alex continues, and a sharp thrill shoots through me as I realize this is her trying to be more open.
“It stayed like that until Danny -” She forcibly coughs again.
“Anyway, it got painted over at one point,” she says, getting somber.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. I cried about it for a year,” she says with a humorless little laugh. I’m going to kill him.
“Why don’t you tell me stuff like this more often?”
She shrugs. “It’s personal.”
“I’d like to hear more of your personal stuff.”
Alex scoffs and crosses her arms. “You don’t tell me anything,” she mutters.
I run my hands back through my hair, sighing. “Sweetheart, I said I was sorry.”
She levels me with a skeptical glare and snorts out a laugh. “Yeah, right. I don’t believe you would have told me in the first place.”
“I was going to, I just…I wanted it to be on my terms.”
“Everything is on your terms,” she snaps. “You get to control my life and come over whenever you want and fuck me and play house, and I just have to take it.” God, I hate how she views our relationship.
“Alex -”
“I don’t know why I thought I could actually talk to you,” she interrupts. “You know what? We’ll just fuck. That’s all you care about anyway.” She storms off ahead of me, turning down the dead-end street leading to my house, and I stare after her, frustrated and confused.
How did that go so poorly so quickly?
I scrub my hands over my face and let out a long sigh.
She wants to talk to me. She’s mad that I didn’t talk to her.
She wants more from me, just like I want more from her.
That’s a good sign. I can do that. I follow her slowly, letting her burn off some of her anger, and find her waiting impatiently on the porch.
“I was going to apologize, so should I blow you here or wait until we get inside?” I grit my teeth and ignore her snide comment, bracing myself to be open the way she wants from me.
“Um, Melissa didn’t read to me that much, but someone gave her the first Harry Potter book one year when I was little, and that was really nice for about two weeks.
” I unlock the door and open it, glancing back at Alex.
Her anger deflates instantly, and she gives me a pitying look that I fucking hate.
Ashley used to give me that look, which is why I never talked to her about anything.