Chapter 29 ALEX
ALEX
Theo hasn’t shown up.
I keep checking my phone, but he hasn’t called or texted me. I keep expecting to wake up to him in my apartment, or in my bed, or in me, and I’m weirdly disappointed that it hasn’t happened.
I don’t know why it’s bothering me, but it is.
He’s my delusional fucking stalker, and I shouldn’t be upset that he’s finally leaving me alone.
I shouldn’t want him, either, because that means I’m being successfully manipulated by him, which is what he wants.
I can’t give him what he wants, and he’s going to snap eventually and kill me because of it.
That’s what I keep trying to tell myself, anyway. I know it’s true, but it’s not how I feel. I push him constantly, and this time I pushed him so hard he almost snapped, but he didn’t. He didn’t scream at me or insult me or hit me. He just seemed hurt.
I can’t stop thinking about how hurt he looked.
What seemed to hurt him the most was me flinching away from him like I thought he would hurt me.
At this point, I’m not entirely sure that he would have.
If I’m honest with myself, I’m positive he was going to kiss me.
I know I would have caved if he had, and that might have been worse than him hurting me.
“Babe, are you okay?” I startle slightly, looking up into Bailey’s warm, deep brown eyes. I didn’t even notice her come into the room, much less set a cup of tea in front of me.
“Uhm, no,” I say quietly, and Bailey leans a hip on the edge of my desk. “I’m, uh, kind of seeing someone. We got into a fight and now he’s not talking to me.” Bailey makes a soft sound of understanding.
“I’ve been there. He probably just needs some space. How upset was he?”
“Very upset. I was…harsh, and then he got close, and I freaked out and flinched, and he was really upset by that.” Bailey’s face becomes deeply concerned, bordering on anger.
“Alex, has he ever hurt you?”
I shake my head slowly. “No, I just reacted badly because we were fighting.”
“Does he know about -” Bailey cuts herself off with a grimace, realizing I’ve never told her I’m hiding here. Suzie definitely said something when she hired me, and I should be mad, but I’m too preoccupied with this situation to care.
“Sort of. I don’t like talking about it.” She nods thoughtfully.
“Did you mean what you said to him?”
I look out the window, thinking for a minute. “I didn’t mean some of it,” I say quietly, aware Theo’s possibly watching. He’s definitely an insane, manipulative stalker, that’s for sure.
“Do you think you’ll break up because of it?”
I fake a cough to keep from laughing. “No, he’s not going anywhere. He cares about me a lot, he’s just really emotional.”
“Do you care about him?” I look up at Bailey and nod slightly, keeping my movements small.
God, I hope Theo’s not watching.
She smiles at me, tucking her hair back.
“You know, before Dylan and I started dating, I’d been with this guy for years who made me believe all of his insecurities were my fault.
He told me constantly that I was never good enough, he acted like I was stupid, he treated me like I was an embarrassment, all that shit.
I believed him, and it totally wrecked my self-esteem.
“When Dylan and I got together, it was a hard adjustment to be with someone who cared, to be in something good, you know? Really hard. It took a long time to learn how to be in a healthy relationship, but if you find the right person and you both work on it, you can build something good. Whether or not it’s this guy, you deserve to be loved for who you are.
You don’t deserve anything less than the best, babe. ”
I’m tearing up as I nod at Bailey. She’s so wildly off base, but I can tell she actually cares about me, and it’s nice to be cared for.
“You should focus on yourself and do things that make you happy, so just put this fight into a box and open it later. Get back to a good place with yourself before you try to get back into a good place with him. Call me if you need anything, okay? And let me know if I need to fight him for your honor or something,” she says with a wink, and I laugh a little, smiling at her.
She leans down to hug me tightly, and I realize that I haven’t been hugged by another woman like this in years.
“Thanks, Bailey,” I say, my voice watery as I work hard to keep from breaking down in her arms. I head into the bathroom the second she heads back to her office, and I can’t hold it in any longer.
I let myself sob, covering my mouth with my hand to keep silent.
Once I’m able to calm down, I dry my face and brush my hair forward to cover how red my eyes are, keeping my head down as I return to my desk, grateful no clients are coming in for another hour.
On my lunch, I go downtown to a little boutique and go shopping, seeing a short, tight black dress with a low scoop neck that I can’t afford.
Bailey’s right – I should get to do things for myself, even if I’m constantly being watched, and what I want to do is dress up and have fun with my friends tonight.
I stare at the dress with longing before ignoring the price tag and buying it.
After work, I go home and blare pop music from my phone as I drink a glass of wine, dancing around my apartment as I get ready.
I should still get to feel joy, even if I’m trapped.
I curl my hair and do more makeup than I’ve done since I left Boston and put on the dress.
Dressing up for myself feels good, and even with Theo taking over my life, trivia with my friends is still mine.
When I walk into the bar, it’s just Anna and Jessica at our usual table, and Jessica’s mouth drops open when she sees me.
“Excuse me, did we miss the memo? I’m in overalls,” she whines.
“You look hot in overalls,” I say as I hug her, and she laughs.
“Yeah, but not like that,” she says, waving her hand at my dress.
“How’d you get your hair like that?” Anna asks as I give her a hug.
“My hair won’t hold a curl no matter what I do.
” I beam at them as we talk about hair and clothes as we get our drinks, just because it’s so nice to have girlfriends.
I’m thrilled that we’re getting to have a girls’ night, at least until Ben shows up fifteen minutes later.
The three of us exchange a look, and I know they feel a little disappointed, too.
“Maybe the three of us should get brunch sometime,” I venture quietly as Ben approaches the table with a pitcher of beer, and the enthusiasm that Anna and Jessica respond with fills me with warmth.
During the intermission, Ben gets us another round of drinks, and the three of us shift back into girls’ night mode as Anna tells us about a date she went on over the weekend.
“He didn’t ask me a single question! He just talked about himself the whole time. I had to listen to him talk about his CrossFit regiment.” I scoff, and Jessica lets out a groan. “And he said he forgot his wallet, so I paid for both of us, and he still hasn’t paid me back. It was awful.”
Jessica rubs her hand over Anna’s shoulder soothingly. “You still fucked him, didn’t you?” Anna drops her head in her hands and Jessica cackles, and I almost spit out my drink as I laugh.
“He was really hot, okay?” Anna says, looking up at us. “Like I said, CrossFit.”
“Please tell me the sex was good enough to make up for such a bad date,” I tease, and Anna flashes me a sly grin. Jessica and I laugh, and she eyes my dress as she sips her drink.
“Are you going on a date after this?” I shake my head, finishing my beer quickly as Ben returns to the table with more drinks.
“No, I just felt like dressing up to come out. I’m not even seeing anyone.” I almost cringe as I say it because it feels like a lie. Jessica exchanges a shocked look with Anna.
“Wait, what about that guy we met? I thought you said you two were sort of a thing,” Anna says, and I shrug as I grab the drink Ben puts in front of me and take a long sip.
“I have no idea what’s going on there.” It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth.
“So, it’s a situationship?” Jessica asks.
“You have no idea,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“Does the sex make up for it, at least?” Anna asks in a teasing tone, and I almost spit out my drink, blushing deeply. I’m not answering that question in front of Ben, but she and Jessica see the answer written on my face. “Well, that’s good, at least,” she says, and I try not to laugh.
“God, men fucking suck. Oh, sorry, Ben,” Jessica says when she sees Ben scowl. “Listen, Alex, he’s an idiot to fumble you. You should let the guy who’s been staring at you all night buy you a drink.” I cock my head slightly, confused.
“What guy?”
Anna laughs in shock. “Alex, come on. The guy who hit on you at the bar?”
I shrug. “Oh, he wasn’t hitting on me. He was just being friendly.”
Ben looks over at me incredulously. “Can you not tell he likes you?”
I shrug, and Jessica laughs. “Girl, you are blind. Listen, I’m setting you up with one of our coworkers while your situationship gets his shit together.
” She winks as she pulls out her phone and starts scrolling through contacts.
“Let’s see…Will’s gay, Louis is shit in bed, Nathan’s got a girlfriend, Rob’s hot, but he’s, like, forty.
Are you into older guys?” I shake my head quickly.
“Gotcha. Maybe you’d get along with Zach?
What do you two think? You both know him better than I do.
” Ben looks at Jessica for a long moment before shrugging at me.
“He’s cool, I guess, but he’s not our only single coworker.”