Chapter 41 - ALEX #2
Theo turns around and startles when he sees me, swearing loudly as he whips off his headphones.
The music filtering out is so loud and aggressive that it’s no wonder he didn’t hear me.
He hasn’t shaved in a few days and he’s very pale with dark circles under his eyes, and he looks a little leaner than the last time I saw him.
His face morphs from shock to elation and he jolts forward as if to get closer to me, but seems to stop himself.
“Sorry, honey, you scared the shit out of me. I’ve been leaving the door open for you, but I did not think you’d be here.
Holy shit, I’ve missed you. How long have you been here?
Fuck, you look gorgeous.” He takes a deep breath, running his hands back through his hair.
“You didn’t tell me you were coming, or I wouldn’t have been down here.
I would have made you something to eat after your run.
Do you want something to eat? Actually, I don’t even have any food, I’m so sorry.
How was your run? How have you been? Are you okay? Why are you here?”
He doesn’t let me answer any questions before he asks the next one, and I stare at him, concern and affection warring for my attention.
He seems wound so much tighter than normal, but he looks as if he hasn’t slept in days.
His eyes are wide and searching my face rapidly, and I can tell it’s bothering him that I haven’t said anything yet.
“Theo, come here.” He walks towards me quickly and leans against the stair railing, close enough to touch me, but he doesn’t.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he whispers. He’s looking at me in the intense way he did in Yachats, like he’s trying to memorize my face, and it makes me more nervous. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to keep my expression neutral.
“I think it’s time we talked.” His face goes blank instantly, and he looks away from me, nodding to himself.
“I’ll leave you alone, I promise,” he says quietly, and his resigned, hollow tone makes me feel like I was right to be nervous. I reach over the railing and stroke his cheek softly, and he looks back at me, shock and a slight flush creeping across his face as he leans into my touch.
“I don’t want that.” His eyes go wide, and he stares at me, confused. I smile at him, trying to hide how deeply concerned I am about him. “Let’s go get lunch, okay? It’ll be our first date.”
***
Theo doesn’t seem to know how to act around me. He’s nervous, his leg bouncing constantly, and he's so distracted that he lets me pay for lunch, which I know he doesn’t like. He doesn’t order anything but coffee, but he drinks a lot of coffee.
He looks at me in that weird, intense way, and starts asking me a litany of inane questions about the last three weeks – what did I eat, where did I go, did I read anything, etc. I indulge him, but I don’t know if I trust that he doesn’t know the answers.
When I ask him how he’s been, he gets cagey and doesn’t make eye contact.
“I’m fine,” he says quickly, and I force myself not to roll my eyes.
“You don’t seem fine,” I say gently, and he shakes his head down at his coffee.
“I’m good, I promise.”
“When was the last time you slept?”
He shrugs, not meeting my eyes. “Last night.”
“When was the last time you ate?”
“This morning.”
“Theo, you’re a shitty liar, okay? Please talk to me.” He still won’t look at me, and I get irritated. “You want this chance? Stop fucking lying to me, now.” Theo finally meets my eyes, looking at me for a long second, his mouth a thin line and his jaw tense.
“Fine. I’m not good, I haven’t slept in days, and I can’t remember the last time I ate.
I’ve been trying to exhaust myself to get some sleep, but it’s not working.
Also, Dr. Mills has me doing therapy twice a week until parole ends, which sucks.
” He rolls his eyes. “I have homework now, like a fucking kid.”
“I noticed the books.” He shakes his head and looks out the window.
“Yeah. It’s…hard.” I can see that he’s trying, but I don’t know if I can trust him yet.
“What did you do Tuesday night?”
He frowns at me. “What I’ve been doing for the past three weeks: locking myself out of my phone and in my house.
I mostly clean and work out and read the stupid books, why?
” I don’t think that’s all he’s been doing, but I’m not going to push it right now because he’s so on edge.
He obviously doesn’t know that Ben showed up to trivia again, so I keep it to myself.
He’s so wound up that he might kill Ben on principle if I tell him.
“No reason. Do you want to get dinner with me on Wednesday?”
His eyes go wide. “Fuck, yes. I’ll make you whatever you want, you name it.” Coq a vin, a desperate voice in my head whispers, but I shake my head at him.
“Um, I think we should go out. I don’t think we should be alone together right now,” I say slowly, and I know he understands. For just a second, he’s himself again, and he flashes me a wolfish grin.
“I miss you, too, sweetheart,” he says quietly before his face falls back into a tense, nervous expression, and he’s back to being this version of himself that’s worrying the shit out of me.
“Um, do you want to go grocery shopping after lunch?” I can’t keep the concern out of my voice, and he shoots me a knowing look.
“Alex, stop asking. My answer is always going to be yes. Just tell me when I get to see you and what we’re doing.”
“I’m always going to give you a choice, Theo.” His expression becomes pained, and he nods slowly as he looks away from me.
***
On Wednesday, Theo’s calmer and seems like he’s slept, but he still seems more wound up than usual.
He’s so subdued and self-conscious, and he won’t even touch me.
It’s weird to see him like this. I’m used to him being high-strung, but he’s usually confident, bordering on arrogant, and overbearingly affectionate.
It’s what I’ve come to like from him, and adjusting to something else is uncomfortable.
We go for dinner at a restaurant on the waterfront, and it’s empty enough that I ask for a table near the window, away from other people.
Theo orders a double whiskey, and I know immediately that he’s pretty stressed out if he’s drinking.
I order my drink and watch him fidget and try not to look at me.
“How are you?” He glances out the window, and I watch his jaw tense.
“Better than Sunday,” he says quickly, looking back at me and trying to smile.
“So fucking happy to see you again.” I stare at him, knowing I should reassure him, but I want to know how he’ll react when I don’t.
He anxiously searches my face for any reaction and starts to ask me a question when our drinks arrive.
I order enough food for both of us because I’m almost positive Theo won’t eat without prompting, and the moment the waiter leaves, Theo downs his whiskey.
“Why are we here?” He says it so quickly that all the words blur together, and I almost laugh, but he’s so serious that I stop myself.
“We’re on a date,” I say slowly. I get a glimpse of the Theo I know as he smirks and rolls his eyes before his face drops back into uncertainty.
“Why, Alex?”
I look at him, confused. “Um, I took my time to think about it and decided I want to give you a chance.” He cocks his head to the side and looks at me with disbelief. “I thought that was obvious. Why didn’t you ask me this on Sunday?” He looks over my head, and the table shakes as his knee bounces.
“Uh, I hadn’t slept in a few days, and everything seemed so surreal that I wasn’t totally sure it was happening.
The only reason I know it happened is because there’s food in my house now.
I had to talk to Dr. Mills about that yesterday,” he mutters unhappily, and I desperately want to reach out and take his hand, but I hold myself back.
“What did she say?” His eyes widen, and his mouth becomes a thin line.
“Please, no. I’m not trying to keep it from you, but it fucking sucked and I’d rather talk about anything else tonight.”
“We don’t have to talk about it.” He looks at me gratefully, and I give him a soft smile, which makes him relax a little. “If we’re going to do this, I have some conditions, but -”
“I’ll do fucking anything, Alex. I want to fix this,” he says, his voice pleading. I try to keep the pity off my face, but I’m not sure I’m successful.
“Theo, you can’t fix this.” He instantly looks devastated. “That’s not what’s happening here. I’m giving you a chance because I want to, not because I think it will fix anything you did.” He stares at me intently as though I’ve spoken in a different language and he’s trying hard to translate it.
“Wait, what?” I smile shyly at him and nod. He opens his mouth to say something, but our food arrives, cutting him off. I smile at the waiter and thank him, catching Theo’s displeased glare at how the waiter smiles back at me.
I have a hard time not rolling my eyes.
“Theo, stop it," I hiss as the waiter walks away. "I’m not on a date with him, am I?” His face relaxes a little. “Listen, we can’t start over, but we can make something new, right?” He nods, looking very nervous and very hopeful. “Please eat something, and then we’ll talk about my conditions.”
We eat in silence, and Theo seems to relax a little more every time he looks at me. I gently tap my foot against his under the table, and he smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
It takes him all of three minutes before he finally can’t help himself.
“What do you want me to do? I’ll do whatever you want.” I take a sip of my wine, watching him closely.
“The biggest thing for me is that you have to be completely honest with me about everything. I want to get to know you, so I don’t want any more lies or half-truths.
I’ll be honest with you, too, I promise.
” He seems extremely uncomfortable but nods slowly.
“Good. I’m also making all the choices for the time being.
I’m making our plans, I’m choosing when to contact you, I dictate how physical we are, everything.
I need to be the one in control of things this time.
” He winces a little, but nods enthusiastically.
“Yeah, of course. Whatever you need. What else?” I take a long sip of my wine, trying to brace myself for his reaction to the next condition.
“We can’t spend time at either of our places because we’re not having sex.” He pouts immediately, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Can I at least ask why not?”
I frown at him. “Theo, I don’t think we have a real shot at seeing if this works if sex is involved, at least in the beginning.
The sex is so distracting for both of us, but it’s maybe a little more distracting for you?
” He cringes, looking down at his food. “At least we already know the sex is fucking amazing,” I mutter, and he’s himself again, smirking up at me and chuckling.
“That’s an understatement, honey,” he mutters back. “Okay, what else?” I grimace a little.
He’s going to hate this one.
“I want you to work harder in therapy,” I say slowly, and his face falls. “Like, actually be open with your therapist.” He pales and groans in protest.
“Please, no,” he begs.
“I know it’s hard on you, but I think you need it. You’ve got a lot of problems, and I’d like you to at least know whether or not something is real.” He takes a deep breath, and his knee starts bouncing again.
“Sweetie, I can’t tell my therapist everything, and I kind of hate her.”
I shrug. “That doesn’t mean you can’t work on yourself, and you can always talk to me if you want.
” Theo’s jaw sets as he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, and I know he's going to push back. “Whatever I want, right, Teddy? It’s important that you do this for me,” I say in a soft voice, and he sighs.
“Fine. Anything else?” I shake my head. “Do I get to ask anything of you?”
My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “What do you want, besides the chance you begged me for?” He looks at me for a long moment, his expression somewhere between confused and desperate.
“Why are you giving me a chance?” he asks, and I laugh a little.
“Because I like you.” It’s not a lie, but there’s no way I’m telling him the real reason until he proves himself to me. He stares at me for a second before he nods slowly, and we go back to having our slightly awkward dinner.
He barely relaxes, and he tries hard not to look displeased when I interact with the waiter. We both drink more, and I can tell we’re both trying to figure out how to be with each other now.
I let him drive me home, and he’s thrilled when I ask him if he wants to get brunch and see a movie on Sunday. I’m delighted when I watch him restrain himself from kissing me when he drops me off.
He’s trying.