Chapter 56 THEO #3
“Given the situation, I view it as the appropriate level of violence.” Elise’s face is neutral, but her gaze becomes very sharp, reminding me I need to be wildly fucking careful with how I answer these questions.
“I used the force I thought was required to defend myself and Alex. She had told me how violent Danny was, and I was terrified of him.” I work hard to deliver the lie effectively because I hate having to say it.
“When I found Alex, she had been kidnapped, beaten, stabbed, and was being brutally raped while she bled to death. I was terrified for her, to say the least, and I was shot and severely injured trying to rescue her. I did my best to make sure we were both safe.” The prosecutor looks skeptical.
“Don’t you think you could have just incapacitated Mr. Murphy to defend yourself?”
“No, I needed to kill him,” I say slowly, and I see Elise purse her lips at me from the defense table. “During the fight, it was obvious that he wouldn’t stop until he killed me, and I needed to defend both myself and Alex.” The prosecutor gestures at the crime scene photos.
“That level of violence was required to defend yourself?”
“Yes,” I say a little too quickly, and Elise looks pissed. Fuck, I need to reign it in and get myself back under control.
“Do you regret killing Mr. Murphy?” I nod, trying to look pained. From the look on Elise’s face, I need to try harder.
“Of course I regret killing him,” I say, taking a deep breath and looking down at my hands.
“I wish it hadn’t come to that, but the only way to get Alex out of that room was to kill Danny, and I would have done fucking anything to keep her alive.
” My eyes prick with tears as I think about her on that bed, and I look back up at the prosecutor.
“I would have let him kill me if that’s what it took to get her to the hospital, without hesitation.
I truly regret what happened, but I don’t regret doing what I needed to do to save her.
I never would have killed him if her life hadn’t been at risk.
It’s horrifying to live with the guilt.” My eyes dart to Elise, who looks much less irritated with me now.
Several rows behind her in the gallery, I see Dr. Mills. I haven’t spoken to her since I thanked her, and I didn’t realize she’d been here, watching the trial.
I don’t miss how she blinks and purses her lips.
Shit.
***
After several days of deliberation, I’m decided not guilty by three votes.
Once the decision is read and the jury files out, Elise leans in and very quietly tells me she thinks I would have been put away for life if Alex hadn’t testified. I snort, looking down at Elise and trying not to smile.
“Oh, I’m aware. I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing her just how grateful I am.” I look over my shoulder at where Alex is waiting in the first row of the gallery, and from the blush creeping across her face, I said that loud enough that she heard me.
I need to go pick up that ring I ordered back in February.
“Can I please go home now?” She’s right there, and it’s been fucking months. Elise raises her eyebrows at the impatient, adolescent whine in my voice.
“Do not leave this courtroom with a smile on your face. I’ll see you in a week.” I nod and walk away from her quickly, keeping my head down as I embrace Alex, kissing her forehead before I lead her out of the courtroom, my arm wrapped tight around her shoulders.
On our way out, I pointedly avoid looking at my very concerned-looking therapist loitering in the back of the small courtroom.
I don’t like how she’s looking at Alex.
***
The day before the parole revocation hearing, Elise visits, spreading out all the paperwork I need to review across the dining room table and explaining the proceedings to Alex, who stands close to me, my arm around her waist.
“Um, how likely is it that Theo’s parole will get revoked?” Elise smiles at Alex, but her smile seems insincere to me.
“We can’t know for certain, but his parole officer is advising against it, so I think it should be fine.” Alex nods and walks out of the room, saying something about making coffee, and Elise levels me with a wary expression once she’s gone.
“Things have changed,” she says under her breath as she hands me a sheaf of paper from her bag. “This was submitted to the board yesterday.” I stare down at the papers, and all the panic I’ve been pushing down comes to the surface.
Dr. Mills filed a last-minute recommendation to revoke my parole.
"Can she do this?" I hiss, and Elise shrugs.
“Yes, but some of her reasoning seems unethical. We’ll have you two testify against it – I’ve included a list of questions I’ll be asking – but you both need to keep it together, especially you."
The edges of my vision swim red and my hands shake the more I read.
I can’t go back to fucking prison. I spent the entire last week making preparations just in case, but I wasn’t planning on needing them. The week home was way more complicated than I expected, and I can’t be away from Alex again.
I need to take care of her.
"Should I let you tell Alex?” Elise asks quietly as we hear Alex’s footsteps in the hallway. I tuck the papers away, nodding once and forcing a smile as Alex walks into the room.
I have no idea how I’m supposed to tell her.
***
I keep it from Alex until the next morning. She starts crying angrily as she reads it, and she barely calms down enough to read the questions she’s going to have to answer.
I don’t stop touching her until we reach the hearing room.
The board hears Officer Dent’s report first, which claims that I’ve met every term of parole and recommends strongly against revocation.
Dr. Mills disagrees.
She tells the board it’s her professional opinion that I’m an extreme recidivism risk.
According to her, I’m a dangerous, dishonest, unstable person who has spent the better part of a year stalking Alex.
It’s her opinion that, although I was acquitted of his murder, I either enjoyed killing Daniel Murphy or genuinely believed it was the right thing to do, and most likely perjured myself to get acquitted.
She’s not wrong.
Dr. Mills finishes by telling the board that she recommends that my parole should be revoked, mostly to protect Alex’s safety.
When I hear that, I shoot a quick glance at Alex, who looks fucking mutinous.
Elise calls Alex and I to testify in my defense, but Alex can’t keep her cool. She starts to cry as she vehemently tells the board that Dr. Mills is full of shit, that I’ve never stalked her or abused her, and that we have an extremely healthy relationship.
From the look on Dr. Mills’ face, I might not be the only one who can tell she’s lying.
When Elise questions me, I try to stay calm as I explain that I believe Dr. Mills is unprofessionally biased against me based on her own misunderstandings and professional insufficiencies, which are not reflective of myself or my actions.
It’s a mistake to look over at Alex, because she’s on the verge of tears and biting her nails. I know she did that as a kid, but I’ve never seen her do it, and I lose my temper.
My voice is caustic as I tell the board that Dr. Mills is unethically abusing her power to punish me for not respecting her, and that she’s willfully conflating a traumatic case of self-defense with recidivism because she’s an incompetent fucking idiot who should be fired at once.
Only Alex and Dr. Mills look unsurprised by how angry I am.
When the board revokes my parole, Alex becomes furious and calls Dr. Mills a fucking cunt in front of the whole room, which is shocking even to me.
Alex is so upset she has to be removed from the room, and as I watch her get escorted out, I catch her eye and mouth I love you right before I start losing my mind.
I’m unwilling to let her out of my sight for a minute, much less a fucking year.
I can’t keep her safe if I’m in prison.
I turn to stare at Dr. Mills, and I let her see on my face what I think about her and her bullshit interpretation of my relationship, how I feel about going back to prison, and just how much I agree with Alex.