Chapter 59 THEO #3
There’s one letter Alex wrote me that detailed things she needs me to know but never wants to talk about, things that are off limits, things I can’t do or say anymore and why not.
She didn’t visit for two weeks after I read it, not because I didn’t want to see her, but because she didn’t want to see my reaction, which was fair.
I couldn’t calm down for a long fucking time.
When she did visit after that, it was the first time we’d lied to each other since everything happened, because we both said we were fine.
I make her lie on the bed and masturbate for me afterward because she does that differently now, too, and I want to see what’s changed.
I watch her closely, and when she’s a panting, needy little mess, I start tying her up because she begs me to.
I don’t use handcuffs, I don’t tie her hands behind her back, I don't use the ball gag she brought, and I take my time and watch her like a fucking hawk, but she’s relaxed and excited.
I spend a long time making her come any way I can, watching her closely, noticing what she does and doesn’t react to in the same way anymore. It takes longer than it used to, but for the first time in a year and a half, when Alex cries, it’s because she’s overwhelmed the way she wants to be.
When she slips into a slightly dissociative state, the look on her face isn’t the blank, tired look I’m afraid to see, and I breathe out a sigh of relief. She looks soft and dreamy and a little smug, the way she always looks when she’s been fucked right.
I ignore how hard I am, how much I want to be inside her, and how much I love fucking her when she’s like this as I untie her, and I pull her into my arms and hold her.
I kiss her and trail my fingers up and down her soft skin, telling her how perfect she is, how gorgeous she looks, how much I fucking missed her, how much I love her, and how happy she makes me.
She lays in my arms for half an hour before she comes back to herself, and then she starts sobbing because she wasn’t sure she’d get this back.
I wasn’t sure she would, either, but she fucking does.
***
We’re not used to constantly fucking anymore, and we’re both exhausted before noon.
Alex lays in my arms, holding me tightly, her head tucked against my neck and her leg slung across my waist. I run my hand up and down her thigh, my fingers passing over the scars there, and sharp anxiety creeps back into my body.
Now that I’ve got her back, I’m never letting her out of my sight. I can’t let anything bad happen to her ever again.
“Baby?” Her question is soft and quiet, and her lips move against my neck in a way that makes me shiver.
“Hmmm?”
“If you ever go back to prison, I’ll kill you,” she murmurs. I laugh and run my hand up her back, kissing her temple.
“The only way I’m leaving your side from now on is if I’m dead, I promise.”
“Does that promise come with a ring?” I try not to react until I realize that there are no prison guards and no stupid fucking rules, and I can be as excessively affectionate as I want when she says something like that.
I’m not that exhausted, apparently, but she is when I’m done with her.
***
“Sweetie, what the fuck?” I cross my arms over my chest as I stare down at the array of sex toys on the bed. She gives me a coy little smile and pulls me close, kissing me softly as she pushes me back onto the bed.
“Do you trust me?” I nod, eyeing her warily. “Good. Now come here,” she says, snatching up the ball gag and bondage tape with a wicked smile.
Apparently, Alex didn’t tell me what she wanted to do to me when I got out, and I have a lot of fucking questions.
I forget them all the second one of her small, well-lubed fingers slips inside of me.
“Oh, Theo,” she coos, drawing out the vowels as she looks down at me, absolutely delighted. “Do you like that?” I nod slowly, keeping my eyes on hers. “I thought so. Now be good for me, okay?”
According to Alex, I’m exceptionally good for her.
I gasp as she gently pulls out of me, leaving me feeling empty in a foreign way that I love and hate.
I lay there, dazed, lost in the feeling of her soft tongue dragging slowly against my skin as she licks my cum off my stomach and chest. I moan softly when she unfastens the ball gag and pulls it out of my mouth, gripping my jaw to keep it open so she can spit my cum into my mouth.
She smiles down at me, running her hand through my hair.
“Swallow for me.” I do what she wants. Everything seems out of focus and nothing really makes sense, but I start to feel anxious when she moves away from me to unfasten the strap-on harness and let it slip to the ground before she unwinds the bondage tape from my arms and legs.
The longer she’s not close to me, the worse I feel, and then she climbs back into bed and pulls the duvet over us, holding me tightly, whispering sweet things into my skin and touching me everywhere, and everything feels right again.
Her hands on my body feel so good, and I reach out for her and pull her closer, resting my head on her chest and listening to her heartbeat.
I have no idea what I’m feeling right now, but she’s the only thing grounding me from floating away.
“Baby? Are you good?” I look up to see her, flushed and happy and a little concerned, and I don’t think I can speak right now, so I nod faintly. She smiles at me as she takes in my expression.
“Yeah, you are,” she says, laughing slightly. “You’re such a good boy.” A warm wave of contentment rolls through me as she holds me, and I feel so cared for in her arms. Everything feels so fucking perfect when I’m wrapped up with her like this.
Only once the hazy feeling starts to fade a little bit do I realize that this is what Alex must feel like after we have sex.
Adored. Cherished. Loved.
Safe.
***
Alex lies naked on the bed, and I lean over her, pushing her hair back from her face.
“Sweetheart, wake up.” She doesn’t respond, and I start to get desperate.
She’s so pale, too pale, staring at me with dull, unfocused eyes.
Her body is limp beneath me and the tape across her mouth is coated in blood from her broken nose.
I press my fingers to her throat, the blood on my fingers smearing across her skin, but her pulse isn’t there.
I grab her shoulders and gently shake her, but her head falls to the side.
No, no, no.
“Alex, please. Don’t leave me, okay? I’m here now.” I frantically shove my fingers deeper into her neck, searching for a pulse that isn’t there. It should be there. She’s fine, she’s just a fucking liar. I start to panic, shaking her harder, her head jerking back and forth.
“Alexandria, wake the fuck up.” I think I hear something faintly through the ringing in my ears, but I can’t make it out, so I just keep shaking her. She’s not dead. I wouldn’t let this happen to her. She can’t be dead. I can’t have failed her like this.
“You can’t fucking do this, honey, you can’t-”
“Theo, wake up!” My head jerks to the side and heat blooms across my cheek, and then everything looks different.
I blink rapidly, confused as Alex comes into clearer focus with every second.
It’s darker and we’re on a different bed.
There’s no blood or tape on her face, and her hair is different.
Her eyes are wide and teary, but bright and focused on me.
I don’t know what’s happening. I can feel the breath dragging in and out of me, and I’m aware of her hands on my face, of my hands gripping her shoulders hard enough to bruise.
I let go of her at once, cupping her face in my hands and kissing her quickly.
It was just a fucking nightmare.
“Sorry,” she says, stroking my cheek. “You wouldn’t wake up.” I shake my head quickly.
“You okay?” I can’t help but move one hand down and shove my fingers into her throat so I can feel her pulse beating rapidly underneath my fingers. I let out a harsh sigh of relief the second I feel it, and she circles my wrist with her hand as she blinks back tears.
“I’m okay, baby. I didn’t know they were still this bad.
” I shake my head, still focused on the feeling of her heartbeat beneath my fingers.
The nightmares are constant, but they’re not this bad anymore.
I’m usually aware I’m dreaming, but this one felt real again.
She pushes her other hand through my hair, making soft shushing sounds as she strokes the back of my neck, and I can tell she’s trying not to cry.
“Theo, I’m right here. I’m okay. This is real.
” I stare down at her, and I can’t say anything, can barely feel anything but the adrenaline and panic still coursing through me, but I need her.
I kneel between her legs and spit on my hand, leaning down to kiss her again as I start touching her desperately.
She makes a soft whimper and pulls me into her tightly, kissing me back hard.
I do the bare fucking minimum to push inside her, and she gasps harshly when I do.
I grab one of her wrists and pin it to the bed, keeping my fingers on her pulse as I fuck her frantically, focused solely on the feeling of her rapid heartbeat.
Her other arm winds around my neck and I hear her soft gasps turn ragged as she starts crying beneath me.
It’s the wrong kind of crying, I know that, but I’m already too far gone.
I barely feel the orgasm before I start crying, too, pulling her against my chest so hard I can hear her struggling to take in breaths.
I let go of her a little, keeping my arm locked securely around her waist and cupping the back of her head with my other hand.
She tangles her legs into mine, her fingers digging into my skin as she tries to get closer.
We lay there crying for a long time before one of us takes a deep breath and the other follows, and we start to calm each other down slowly, anchoring each other.
We lay like that, syncing our breath to each other, feeling our hearts beat out the same rhythm at different times, a call and response of connection.
***
Later that morning, Alex drives us home so I can look at the scenery. I look at her instead, but I don’t bother trying to memorize her anymore.
I know her as well as I know myself, if not better.
She takes the long way, driving along the coast, one of her hands in mine the whole way home. We don’t talk about anything. There are no more scheduled visits, no more timed phone calls, no more rush to get everything out as quickly as possible.
We have nothing but time now.
When we drive through Warrenton and I finally see the low hill of Astoria rising out of the river, I grip Alex’s hand tightly and let out a long breath, relaxing a little more. She drives us along the highway, turning off and heading up the hill towards our house.
I hated living in the big, empty house I grew up in when I got out of prison the first time.
It was a reminder of exactly how badly I’d fucked my life up, of what a disappointment I was, of who I should have been but wasn’t.
When Alex pulls up the driveway, the house looks different to me, almost the way it did when I was a little kid.
It seems inviting again, like a sanctuary, like a home.
“Welcome home,” Alex says as she parks the car and flashes me a wide smile. I look over at her and feel myself melt. I don’t know what I did right or how the fuck I got this lucky, but I know this is real. I kiss the back of her hand, flashing her a quick smile.
“I got home yesterday.” She rolls her eyes at me, failing miserably to hide that she’s tearing up.
“Me, too.”