Maizyn
Chapter Two
It's been three weeks since we left Willowhook.
Atlas brought me back here the night everything happened with Trevor.
He said it was best to stay far away from there, given the circumstances.
Even though Gavin and Ramos took care of it, it was better to be safe, just in case.
I didn't question it. I had no reason to stay in a place I never should have been to begin with.
I was a bit upset about leaving my safe place at the bookstore behind, but Atlas stopped to grab the beanbag chair and my jar of pens when I went to tell Mrs. Carter I was leaving town.
Mrs. Carter is a whole different story. She treated me like I was her granddaughter the entire time I was working for her.
She gave me a bone-crushing hug, telling me to stay out of trouble and to call if I ever needed anything.
Saying goodbye hurt. A little piece of my heart will always belong with her.
She became the only family I had while I was there.
Moving away felt like I was losing a loved one.
Atlas promised we could always visit if I wanted to, once everything settled down.
But I don’t know if I can handle leaving her all over again. It was hard enough the first time.
Coming back here has been a little bit harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel like I will drown in the weight of what I forgot. My soul feels tattered and torn into pieces. I fear I no longer remember how to put the puzzle back together.
We don’t talk about what happened. I think it’s better if we don’t.
Ramos and Gavin made sure there was no trace of us ever being there.
You would think I would feel bad about killing someone, but Trevor deserved everything that happened to him.
I don’t think much about Trevor if I’m being honest. His blood on my hands means very little to me.
I’m glad he is gone and happy I was the one to do it.
It’s actually what Atlas said that still keeps me awake at night.
Atlas said one fucking sentence, breaking the lock on my mind.
He said my missing memories belonged to him, causing several memories of us together to flood into my head all at once.
My memory of the last year is still pretty spotty.
It’s better than not remembering anything, I suppose, but I thought I got all of my memory back when the whole warehouse thing happened.
I thought it would all come rushing back and everything would be all sunshine and rainbows, but I was mistaken.
I remember being here, but my mind is still a bit foggy.
I still remember most of it. Like the night Atlas and I met.
I know the accident happened even if I can’t remember the exact details.
The accident took my memory to begin with; the events surrounding it still remain unclear.
I can recall walking into Elixirs the first night as if it happened yesterday, but I still get flashes of events and people I’m not even sure are real.
They could be something I crafted in my mind to protect myself.
I just want to stop questioning the images flitting through my head. They are jarring. They crash into my skull with enough impact to knock me down. They are foggy and flutter just out of reach.
Every time I think I will finally hold a memory in my fingertips, it vanishes into dust, leaving me with nothing but a splitting headache. This started ever since Atlas came back into my life. Maybe he is the key to getting my memory back. All of it back, not just bits and pieces.
Maybe my soul feels safe enough around him to start stitching my brain back together?
I don’t want to be so broken that I become unlovable.
I don’t want to burden Atlas with all of this either.
I know he loves me, but what if my fucked up head is too heavy a burden for him to carry?
I also don’t know if I can keep carrying all this shit alone. It's becoming too heavy.
Gavin is supposed to be back today. I haven’t met him in person yet, so I think it will be nice to officially meet him.
We were supposed to meet after I broke up with Trevor, but getting kidnapped kind of hindered those plans.
It’s Saturday. Atlas mentioned going to Elixirs tonight.
Something about it being his and Gavin’s tradition.
It’s funny because it was a Saturday night the very first time I met Atlas at the very same bar, but I don’t remember seeing Gavin there that night.
Atlas was sitting by himself when I walked over to him.
I can’t lie, though. I am pretty nervous to meet him.
What if he hates me? I don’t know if I could handle someone so important to Atlas hating me.
I’m looking forward to going out drinking, even if it won’t help my current mental state.
I am hoping the alcohol and atmosphere will distract me for a while.
We haven’t really done anything since moving back here.
Anything except existing has been too difficult for me to do.
All of my belongings are still packed neatly in the boxes Atlas put them into.
Reading has been almost impossible. It doesn't matter how long I sit curled up on the beanbag with a book in my hand; I just can't get into it. I’ve been locked in this weird headspace.
I haven't really showered as I should. My wardrobe consists of t-shirts big enough to be a dress on me. I can’t bring myself to care; they smell like Atlas, they smell like home.
His scent has been the only thing keeping me from losing it completely.
I've always known my mind would be my worst enemy. How could I ever forget Atlas? My fucking head is so set on being my downfall; one stupid decision, one stupid taxi ride, wiped away some of the best days of my life. I think realizing everything I forgot hurts deeper than waking up with all of the memories wiped clean. Atlas hasn’t pushed.
He knows I've been lost in my thoughts more often than not, but I am pretty sure he assumes it has more to do with the fact I killed someone.
I know we need to talk about it soon, but I plan to put off the conversation for as long as possible.
Knuckles rap on the door frame behind me, drawing me out of my thoughts with a startled jump.
I turn to face the sound. A breath of relief leaves me when I see Atlas, with his hands raised up in surrender, fill my view.
He is dressed business casual with black slacks and a black button-up; he could be dressed in a tracksuit and still look handsome.
“Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay. Why are you so dressed up?”
“I asked earlier about us going out for drinks with Gavin tonight. Unless you want me to cancel?”
“Yeah, I remember. I just thought we weren't going until seven thirty.” I flick to the time on my phone. Shit, it’s already seven o’clock. We are supposed to meet Gavin in an hour, and I currently look like a bridge troll. Great. “I’m sorry I lost track of time.”
“It’s okay; we can stay home if you don’t want to go.”
“No, I want to go. I think it will be fun to get out and have some fun. Plus, it’s Gavin’s first night back. I don’t want to be the one to ruin y’all’s traditions.”
“Gavin would understand if we canceled.”
“We are going, but can I meet y’all there? I want to have plenty of time to shower and get ready. I don’t want you to be late.”
“Of course, Darling Chaos. Do you want to drive yourself or get a ride-share?”
“I can just get a ride-share. Aren’t you supposed to pick up Gavin anyway?”
“Yeah, but we can always meet there if you would rather drive yourself.”
“You don’t have to. I’m going to get a shower and get ready. Go ahead and meet Gavin at the bar. I will see you later.”
He nods his head and gives me a kiss on the forehead. He pauses for a moment, like he is contemplating saying something else. “Just be safe and call me if you need me.”
“Always.”
Once he is out of earshot, I let out an exaggerated sigh before standing and heading to the bathroom. Even though putting on real clothes and styling my hair into anything other than a messy bun was the last thing I wanted to do, I feel maybe I would feel better if I did.