Chapter 32
Will’s world spun entirely out of his control for the first time that night…the night he allowed rage to creep into his soul. The very same night he put into motion a war-like strategy that he’d been hanging on to for seven years.
Two hours after Will left the hotel with his brothers, he instructed Ben and Joe to take me back to Eastridge.
We waited up through the early morning hours for word from London. All the while, broadcast anchors delivered breaking news about a domestic terrorist strike. Reports indicated a terror group remained unidentified and at large.
My heart knew it would stay that way for the public—it would always be an unresolved act of violence for the rest of the world, the truth hidden inside another dark lie.
Ben and I sat in the drawing room, tense, not expressing our fear verbally, when our phones rang at the same time. His eyes jumped to meet my nervous stare as he answered his phone, and I answered mine. He mouthed Thomas’s name at me.
And then Will’s voice was in my ear.
“Elle.”
I wept softly, unable to control the emotion any longer.
“Will, thank God.”
He hesitated. His breaths weren’t right.
My heart dropped into my stomach.
Oh no. No. Please, no.
“Elle, I lost him. Ethan’s gone. My brother…my brother is dead.”
I choked on his words, on the sound of his suffering.
Mary’s perceptive eyes immediately targeted me as she waited to hear my words.
But my breath refused to push anything out.
“Elle, stay put. Wait for me to come home.”
“Yes, of course. I’ll wait for you. I’m so sorry, Will…I am so sorry.”
He was quiet for a minute, only his irregular breaths coming into the phone.
“You’re safe. Still, just stay inside the house.”
“Okay,” I pushed out.
“Baby, I can’t…need you to talk to my mother for me. I can’t…not like this.”
I watched Mary’s watery eyes fill with pain.
“I’ll take care of her, I promise.”
“I know you will. I’ll see you soon.”
Then he abruptly disconnected our call.
I reached out for Mary’s hand.
She knew. I didn’t have to say the words.
She came into my arms and cried, and then she pulled me along with her to the windows.
Gentle rain tapped a melancholy tune against the panes of glass, and Mary stared outside with her eyes set on the dark morning sky.
“Remember what I told you, Ellie. This is how it unravels…Will’s war.”
I nodded.
“I know. I’m sorry, Mary. I’m sorry for everything, for all that you’ve lost because of me.”
“Be quiet, my darling,” she snapped.
“This is not your fault, Ellie. You and my sons, you’re just trying to survive a cruel game created by your fathers. Come, walk with me to my room.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
And as we passed through the hall, John paced around the perimeter, so quietly, head down, eyes on the floor, waiting for his brothers to come through the front door.
I let go of Mary’s arm and stopped him, cradling his face in my hands, once again noticing how much he resembled Will.
“Look at me, John. I’ll be upstairs, settling your mom in her room and sitting with Lissie. If you need me…for anything at all…you come and find me. Okay?”
He nodded, his eyes diving back to the floor.
I stayed with Mary until she settled on her bed with a cup of tea, and then went to see Lissie in her room, hoping she could distract me from the anxiety threatening to rip through me. I couldn’t let it pull me under.
Will needed me to be strong while he grieved, and nothing would keep me from being there for him. Nothing. Not even my fucking anxiety.
Lissie, Chelsea, and I sat on the floor in Lissie’s room, twirling the spinner to see who would go first in our fourth round of Chutes and Ladders.
Ben opened the door, startling the three of us.
The girls giggled.
“Will is downstairs, and he’s asking for you,” he said.
I leaped up, tripping on the game board but catching myself.
“What? He’s here? How long has he been home? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Ben kissed the top of Chelsea’s head and angled his head at the door.
As we stepped out of the bedroom, Nanny Sue was just returning.
“Ben, how could you not tell me?”
“It wasn’t intentional. But listen, Ellie, he’s not himself. They came in about thirty minutes ago, and he hasn’t stopped drinking since. Neither one of them is injured. Will hasn’t said two words other than to send me for you. Thomas has gone to sit with his mum.”
“Can you talk to Sue? We might need her to stay over, and she should discuss it with Mrs. Bates. Oh, and not a word about any of this to Lissie.”
I didn’t wait for Ben’s response. I sprinted along the corridor and down the stairs.
Will sat in the drawing room on the leather sofa with a glass of whisky in his hand. He stared at the fireplace with unfocused eyes.
Mrs. Bates stood over him, saying something softly. He dismissed her with a flick of his wrist.
I went to him, pried the glass from his hand, and gave it to Mrs. Bates.
“Please bring in water and coffee. And some sandwiches or whatever you have quickly available. I’m sure he and Thomas haven’t eaten.”
She dropped her somber eyes.
“Don’t worry, dear. I’ll see to it all.”
Will still didn’t say anything, but he finally lifted his chin, and his grief-stricken eyes met mine, revealing the depth of his broken heart.
My own heart splintered at the sight of his pain.
I choked back a sob.
I wanted to take away his suffering. I wanted to pull it into myself and bear it for him.
He reached for my hand and held it for a minute.
God, he was too quiet. I wanted to cry out for him. I wanted to shout up at the dark fucking clouds in the sky and say that I would take more, to give me the pain instead of him.
Will pulled me onto his lap, hugging my waist and burying his face against my chest. Unintelligible words rumbled from his lips. He squeezed harder. He turned his head just enough to suck in a heavy breath.
I closed him inside my arms. And I held him so tightly while he wrestled with his emotions. He worked hard to keep it all inside himself, to keep everything he felt from breaching the surface.
“It’s okay. I’m here,” I whispered.
A memory hit me…him saying the same thing to me as I wept for my sister.
But in that moment, my heart was strong enough to protect us both, and that realization took me by surprise, even though his vulnerable actions said he’d expected it.
We were locked in a strange place in time—a dreadful moment and a wonderful moment. Dreadful because his heart was broken. Wonderful because mine was full…I had finally learned how to love someone.
John came into the room and sat with us, his nervousness subsiding after his hours of pacing quietly around the house. His eyes were haunted by heartbreak and fear.
This boy needed his brother.
After their father died, Will became everything for John.
Clearly, he loved Ethan, too, but he loved Will more.
I offered my hand to John while still holding Will.
John took it and slid closer to us, and after searching my eyes for encouragement, he rested his cheek on his brother’s shoulder.
Will’s breath quickened against my skin, telling me how much John’s suffering affected him. He shifted himself, pulling John beneath his arm and pulling me deeper into his lap, bringing us face to face.
“Elle, I?—”
He stopped, but everything he wanted to say showed in his eyes.
I placed a soft kiss on his lips.
“I know. You don’t have to say anything. I know.”
The muscles in his face relaxed a little, and he brushed over my cheek with his fingers.
The smell of roast beef wafted into the room as Mrs. Bates rolled in a cart. She transferred everything onto the old mahogany sideboard and made up a plate with thick sandwiches for Will. Her warm hand touched my arm as she set it on the table beside us.
“Let’s see about getting him to eat something, dear,” she said.
“Thank you, Mrs. Bates. Will you send something up to Mary and Thomas?”
“I’m taking it up myself just now with more tea.”
Ben came in and somehow understood my silent plea for help with John.
“John, come here, mate. You’ll have a bite with me,” he said.
John hesitated, lifted his face, patted Will’s shoulder, then nodded at Ben. The two of them ate together near the fireplace, both quietly waiting for Will to come around.
He’s everything to them, just like he is to me.
I kissed Will’s cheek.
“Will, you need to eat too. You’ve had a lot of whisky on an empty stomach.”
He nodded and then put a lingering kiss on my neck.
I handed him the plate.
“I’ll just run upstairs and check on the girls.”
But he set his plate down and shifted his weight, dropping my bottom into the space between him and the sofa arm.
“You’ll stay with me,” he commanded.
Mrs. Bates came back in, sorting more food at the sideboard, and soon handing me a plate with strawberries and a turkey sandwich.
“You eat, dear. I talked to Nanny Sue, and she’ll stay until bedtime. I’ll be more at ease with managing the children overnight myself.”
“Me too, Mrs. Bates. Thank you for that.”
She bustled out again, though she did pause and turn to see with her own eyes that Will had started on his sandwiches.
I glanced at John a few times, realizing the best way for me to help the family through their grief was to give Will whatever he needed, so he could start to heal and give his family what they needed.
Because what they all really needed was Will.
He settled deeper into the leather cushions.
I set our empty plates on the side table.
“You should get some rest, Will. Let’s go upstairs,” I said.
He wove his fingers into my hair and pulled me to his mouth for a soft kiss.
“I just want to hold you,” he said.
In my room, grabbing some things to keep in Will’s room, I stepped out of the closet, and he hadn’t even moved. He still leaned against the door frame.
I put my hand in his, and we walked down the corridor to his room.
He remained quiet while I put my things away, but I sensed a storm building inside him.
I slipped one of his giant t-shirts over my head.
“It’s just us now, Will. You can say anything to me, whatever you need to say.”
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do,” he said.
He wasn’t ready to talk about what happened to Ethan, and I wouldn’t push him. Maybe he would never tell me exactly how Ethan died. If not saying the words aloud to me helped him get through his pain, then I would live with it.
“That’s okay. You don’t have to know right now. It’ll come to you when you’re ready.”
A lump of emotion grew in my throat. I tried to swallow it back, but I couldn’t. I put my arms around Will’s neck and lowered my forehead to his chest for a minute, then lifted my chin to see his eyes.
“For now, just say you’ll always come back to me. If anything happened to you?—”
I shook my head. Tears ran down my cheeks.
“Swear you’ll always come home, Will.”
His eyes came alive.
“I swear to you, I’ll always come back.”
Then he grabbed fistfuls of my hair and forced his mouth on mine, kissing me hard. I whimpered, and he softened his kiss, but it was still fiercely driven by his strong emotions. I pushed on his chest. He pulled back and ran his thumb over my lips, staring at them, dragging my bottom lip down to open my mouth.
“Christ, I need you. Don’t push me away.”
“I’ll never push you away. You’ve never kissed me that hard.”
He nodded and pulled the shirt over my head, leaving a trail of softer kisses on my shoulders and my neck.
“I’ll always come home to you, Elle…always.”
His greedy mouth came back to mine, staking his claim.
We stripped away his clothing together, slowly, and then we fell onto the bed and went to the beautiful place where nothing else existed. Everything he was, all that he had, he put into making love to me.
We burned away everything. We burned away his quiet grief.
Will’s savage, roaring climax followed mine, then he pressed his face against my neck until his shuddering body calmed down. He stayed inside me as he pulled our bodies into a sitting position. His forehead rested against mine.
“I can’t do this without you, baby.”
I locked my arms around his neck and my legs on his hips.
“You don’t have to do it alone, Will. I’m here.”
We kissed and dropped back down onto the mattress. My face, my hair, my arms, even my legs blanketed him, protecting him.
For the next couple of hours, he slept, and I watched the slow, cadenced rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Eventually, I drifted to sleep with him.
At some point, a steady knocking on the door woke me.
“Please let me in,” someone slurred.
I slipped out of bed and threw on my clothes.
When I opened the door, John fell right into my arms.
“Where’s my brother?” he whispered.
The scent of whisky heavy on his breath.
“Be quiet…don’t wake him. Here, lean on me, let’s get to the bathroom.”
He held his finger to his lips.
“What have you done, John?”
His eyes widened, and he covered his mouth.
I pointed at the toilet.
“Get it out. It’s the only way you’ll feel better.”
He dropped to his knees with heavy thud.
“Shhh…I said be quiet, John.”
Crouching in front of the toilet, he clung to the bowl as he vomited.
I kneeled beside him and rubbed his back while wiping his face with a wet washcloth.
“Sorry. I’m s-so sorry, Ellie.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me. I get it. But you will have to answer to your brother.”
Like he’d been summoned, Will appeared, towering over us.
I arched my neck back and examined his expression…no anger…empathy.
John thumped against the wall and closed his eyes, then a minute later, he slid down, passing out on the cool marble floor.
Will and I looked at each other. He put out his hand.
“Get up, baby. You’ve done enough. I’ll get him to bed.”
Will carried John to the sofa, covered him with the quilt from our bed, and before turning away, he put a protective, loving kiss on John’s forehead.
It was unexpected and so beautiful.
My heart swelled. Tears filled my eyes again.
Will turned, and when he caught my watery smile, he caressed my cheek.
Lost in him, I slid my hands up his arms and whispered his name.
His lips parted, he lowered his head, and then he kissed me with tenderness.
“I should go see my mother,” he said.
“Yes, go. Your family needs you, Will.”
He let out a weighted exhale.
“I won’t be long.”
As he closed the door behind him, I lay on the bed, shut my eyes, and listened to the rhythm of John’s breathing. When Will climbed back into our bed, I didn’t open my eyes. I put my head on his chest, and our legs instinctively tangled.
I held on to him with my whole life.
Because deep down, I knew the next couple of days could break us.