Chapter 35
Gran once told me love was equal parts risk and reward, but she never elaborated, never told me about the pain. And because my grandfather had passed so long ago, she couldn’t show me how happiness might exist within those boundaries of risk and reward.
My family had only ever known pain.
Will loved me. I saw it in his eyes when he held me, protected me, killed for me. His love went beyond risk. It was obsession.
His last words echoed inside my head, and I knew when he’d said he would make everything right again that he meant he would make himself right again. My heart ached for him.
Will was broken.
Still, when he left for London without me, it hurt like hell.
Thomas and I sat on the little floral sofa in my room, waiting to hear from Ben. Thomas leaned forward, staring out into the corridor at two armed men guarding the door, and I pulled my legs up, tucking them beneath me.
“He didn’t leave you, Ellie.”
I snapped back at him.
“Stop saying that. You’ve said it like three times now.”
“Stop thinking it, and I’ll quit saying it.”
Using the back of my hand, I wiped at another mascara-colored tear.
“I’m here, and he’s gone. He didn’t say why, where, or when he would be back. So you tell me, Thomas, what should I think?”
He pressed my hand between his hands, thumbing away the dark tear.
“You should think about how my brother needs us to be strong right now.”
I frowned, ashamed of myself.
I can do this. I can be stronger for him.
“Look, Ellie. This is what we know…it’s what our father taught us. Will needs to find Ethan’s body. But what’s more, he needs retribution.”
“What are you saying? I mean, how would he get retribution?”
“The man who killed Ethan walked away. Will won’t have peace until he finds that man. None of us will rest. Until that happens, my brother’s anger will grow as the guilt rides him harder. But trust me, he knows the price he’ll pay if that guilt keeps driving him. It’ll cost him everything. It’ll cost him you.”
I shook my head.
“Not me, never me, Thomas.”
He shrugged.
“But why couldn’t he tell me this?” I asked.
I understood, because the desire for revenge still burned inside me, even if achieving it was beyond the scope of my abilities. I’d been stupid to ever think I had that kind of power.
Will had the power, though. He would get his revenge.
Thomas patted my hand.
“Come on, Ellie…right or wrong, you know he would move mountains to protect you from this. Just understand we’re at war here. Not a grand war of countrymen defending a kingdom, but it is war. And he worries about your nightmares. I hear they’re quite awful.”
I shrank away from his intense gaze. Because it was so similar to Will’s.
“You know about that?”
“Yes, of course. I can’t stay in this room with you, but if you want to sleep downstairs in the drawing room or library, I can be close if you need me.”
The idea of anyone other than Will too close made me uncomfortable. Even Thomas. But he would always be my protector in Will’s absence, the next Hastings in line with the family ink, and I needed to get used to it.
Will had inherited more responsibility than most were challenged with in a lifetime. I had to be more supportive and give him the space he needed, but my fucked-up desperation to always be with him made that an internal battle for me.
“I’ll be fine here. Seriously, I’ll be okay. But thank you for offering,” I said.
While nodding, he wrinkled his forehead.
He knew I was lying.
Thomas stopped me in the corridor late the next morning.
“Ellie, you’ll come down and have breakfast with me. A bite of toast in your room isn’t enough,” he said.
I shrugged.
“I’m not a breakfast person. And you know Mrs. Bates would take a switch to us both if she found me in the kitchen with all of you.”
He pointed to the staircase.
“Fuck that. Let’s go.”
I rolled my eyes, then went down to the kitchen with him, where John was giving a heated explanation to a table of men in their military-style training clothes.
“I’m telling you, man, the earls of Arundel and Sussex were the same back then. The names were interchangeable for quite a long time,” John argued.
At the buffet, Thomas handed me a plate and started filling it.
“The kid’s right,” he said.
I grabbed Thomas’s hand as he scooped up another piece of sausage.
“Stop…that’s too much…take the sausage back.”
He took the sausage on my plate and put it on his own.
“American women don’t eat like English women,” John teased.
I frowned, and Thomas chuckled.
“She’s quite English, John. You might remember that before Will beats your arse again.”
Will hated it when people referred to me as American or the American. He insisted I should embrace my heritage.
John winked at me.
“She doesn’t sound like it.”
I sighed and cut in.
“Guys, many American women eat this stuff. Anyway, what’s all this about earls?”
Thomas stared at me.
“You don’t know?”
“Know what?” I asked.
“Christ, maybe there’s a reason he hasn’t told you. Wait for Will to tell you.”
“No, Thomas. I won’t wait. Maybe he just never had the chance, so you spill it.”
He shook his head as if to say he knew I wouldn’t let up until he did.
“Will’s now the earl of Sussex. I mean if he chooses it. It’s a good time to let the title fall into abeyance if he wants to end it. Whatever he decides, he’ll see the ministers this week and let them know what he intends to do.”
The bombshells never seemed to end, but still, something more important weighed on me.
“Wait, what? So he’s no longer avoiding other people?”
“I didn’t say that, Ellie.”
“Yes, of course you did, Thomas. I should go to London today.”
“You’re not leaving this house.”
“You do realize I’m a grown woman, right?” I snapped.
Thomas smirked.
“I know that quite well. But like I said, you’re not going anywhere.”
Lissie and I had a quiet day hanging out around the house, playing card games, making cookies with Mrs. Bates, and watching movies.
I went to bed soon after she did that evening, praying the nightmares wouldn’t come, hoping to get one solid night of rest. But damn it. Hour after hour, I tossed and turned, even throwing my arm out to the other side of the bed, pretending it would land on Will’s chest.
So when my phone rang, I was still wide awake.
I jerked it up off the nightstand, but then I froze. I could only stare at it…at his name.
What if he’s not coming back? What if…Five. Four?—
“Don’t be so fucking stupid. He’s coming back,” I whispered.
The ringing stopped.
It rang again, and I answered right away.
Will breathed into the phone.
“Elle, talk to me.”
“Will.”
“I miss you, baby.”
The emotion clinging to the back of my throat stopped my words.
“I’ll be home today. Don’t go anywhere without me.”
Thomas must have told him that I had mouthed off about going to London.
Anger burned through me.
I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t resolve the hurt caused by his leaving, so I snapped at him.
“You heard I wanted to leave and now you’re coming back to do your job.”
“Jesus fucking Christ. That’s not?—”
He stopped, hesitated, softened his words.
“There isn’t a job, Elle. I won’t let you leave because I can’t live without you. I came to London because complicated matters here needed my attention, and I didn’t want you caught up in it. But I’m coming home…to you…always.”
His words broke me, and as I choked on my emotions, he cursed and issued commands.
“Goddamn it, Elle. You will not cry about this. And you will wait for me.”
And then he hung up.
As odd as my reaction might have seemed, I smiled then.
Because he had slain his demons.
My phone rang a third time.
“Believe me, baby, when I say you’re everything to me,” he said.
I closed my eyes.
“Please just get home, Will.”