Chapter Eleven
Gracie
The sun on my face was what finally pulled me out of a deep sleep.
There was a dull pounding in my temples from the margaritas the day before, but cutting myself off early in the night meant it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been in the past.
It wasn’t my head that was the issue.
Oh, no.
That was my back.
“Ow,” I grumbled as I tried to roll over onto my side. “Ow ow ow.”
When did the barracks bed get so hard?
Then it came flooding back.
Stealing one of Croft’s tees before heading down into the basement to change and get some sleep.
Luna and Violet were out cold in moments.
While I just lay there staring at the mattress above me, unable to sleep, my mind consumed with the idea that Perish was up in the glass room. Alone.
I didn’t even consciously remember making the decision to get out of bed and make my way to the ladder.
Once I was through the trap door, well, there was no going back.
Memories flooded back.
My cheeks bloomed with heat at the memory of climbing onto his lap, of initiating that kiss.
It wasn’t regret I felt, per se. Just embarrassment for how bold I’d been.
I’d never really been the one to initiate things with a man before.
Something about Perish made it feel, I don’t know, safe to do so.
From there, well, things just got a little out of control. I mean, I’d dry-humped him like we were teenagers.
“That’s it,” his voice had said in my ear. “Come for me.”
Even the memory had heat blooming through my core.
But things hadn’t progressed past there.
I would have been willing.
Enthusiastic.
Overjoyed, even.
But then he’d shifted me and held me.
And the rest…
I slitted my eyes open, taking in the small glass room. It was empty, save for me.
At some point, Perish had propped a pillow under my head and covered me with a blanket before leaving.
Why?
Because he’d regretted it?
Or had someone come looking for him?
Oh, God.
Was he in trouble?
Ignoring the stabbing in my lower back as I sat upright, I quickly made my way to the trap door and down the ladder, ready to defend him, to lie if necessary, so he didn’t get kicked out of the club.
There was no proof, after all, that he’d put his hands on me. Hell, he barely had. I’d been doing most of the inappropriate things.
I couldn’t let him suffer for that.
“Well, well, well,” Layna’s voice met me as I landed in the basement once again.
She was on the bunk I’d abandoned the night before, wearing what looked like Spike’s shirt.
“Morning,” I said, trying to infuse some pep into my voice.
“Funniest thing,” Layna said, making my belly twist and flip.
“Hm?”
“I saw Perish coming out of the basement last night. He’d been up in the glass room.”
“Yeah?” I asked, walking over to grab my dress and quickly changed back into it. “He must have come down before I went up.”
“Well, yeah, he must have…”
She didn’t know.
She couldn’t know.
But she clearly had her suspicions.
I couldn’t let her keep poking around the edges of my lie. She would find out the truth eventually.
“Did Vi and Willa leave already?”
“You know them. Early risers these days. Besides, Dezi showed up with donuts a while ago. They grabbed them and coffee and headed home.”
“Were you waiting for me to go home?” I asked.
“I haven’t been to bed yet,” she told me, shrugging. “I’m going to crash for a few hours before heading back to your place to pack up.”
“You’re really leaving already?”
“I have some money burning a hole in my pocket. Going to take it to Vegas for a week or two. Then I have a tournament.”
“You really don’t ever get sick of all the craziness?” I asked, digging around in my purse until I found a hair tie and messily put my strands into a bun.
“Not yet. And it is my bread and butter.”
We both knew that Layna had earned plenty of money over the years to retire and live a cushy life.
“Besides, when I’m here for too long, everyone starts asking me things. Like when I’m going to settle down.”
“Oh, come on. The aunts are more progressive than that. They never asked me when I was going to get married. They were happy to just encourage my career.”
“Alright, fine. Maybe they ask when I’m going to stop couch-surfing like an unemployed college student.”
“Yeah, that sounds more like them. The aunts just want to make sure you’re settled. Asking you if you are getting a place of your own is the easiest way for them to express that.”
“It’ll happen. Eventually. I’m just not in a rush to do the whole… getting married, settling down sort of thing.”
At some point in the coming weeks, the two of us would play back this very conversation. With a mix of amusement (on my part) and shock and frustration (on hers).
But right then, I said I would see her at home before making my way upstairs.
I’m not proud to admit the way my gaze moved around immediately, looking for Perish. Or the way disappointment sloshed around in my belly when I didn’t see him anywhere.
“Heya, sweetheart,” a newly familiar voice called, making me turn to see Cain making his way out into the hallway, still dragging a shirt on.
Which meant I got a full view of all his etched muscles.
And, nope, it did nothing for me. So it wasn’t just Perish’s frame that had pulled me in. It was… something else.
“Hey. Did Layna steal all your money last night?”
“And most of my clothes,” he said, his smirk indicating he wasn’t upset about it. “Want some coffee?”
“The club coffee makes me sad,” I admitted. “I like it sweet and flavored. But thanks. I think I’m just going to get some on the way home.” Then, because I couldn’t help myself, I asked, “Where is everyone?”
“Spike and the twins are still passed out. Heard Perish digging around in the garage, so I assume he’s messing with the lawn.”
My heart leapt at that.
I went ahead and pretended to ignore it.
“You want me to give you a lift home? Got nothing going on.”
“No, thanks. I have my car. Layna might need a ride when she wakes up, though.”
“I’ll be here.”
“Thanks for escorting us last night,” I said, offering him a little wave before making my way to the door.
Did I smooth my hands over my hair and dress?
Yes, yes, I did.
I also kind of wished I had some makeup to swipe on.
But I was as good as I was gonna get.
So I made my way outside.
Then there he was.
With a big plastic container of soapy water and a bunch of colorful glass bottles all around him.
Curiosity piqued, I made my way over.
“I have to know what you’re doing.”
He jolted at the sound of my voice but shot me a ghost of a smile as I approached.
“Washing the hummingbird feeders.”
“I didn’t realize that was something that needed washing.”
“The sugar water ferments. Then it grows mold and bacteria and can cause infections in the hummingbirds’ tongues. Then they can’t eat anymore and die.”
“Aw. I had no idea. How often do you need to wash them?”
“In this weather, every two or three days. In the summer, daily.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of work to commit to. I think that’s why Billie plants pollinator gardens.”
“I like doing it. It’s nice having the birds around.”
He glanced over toward the trees where no fewer than eight bird feeders were hung. Each was its own shape and style, from a Victorian-style house to a little log cabin.
“Those are so cute.”
“Cain made a few of ‘em.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he’s handy like that.”
“What’s the picnic table for?”
“The squirrels.”
“Okay. I am going to need to see pictures of the squirrels sitting there.”
Perish wiped his hands on his jeans before reaching for his phone and handing it to me.
“Got a whole folder,” he explained as I started to swipe through them.
“It’s like a timelapse of this one actively getting fatter.”
“He has trouble squeezing through the fence now. Usually just runs out the gate.”
“Is this his little squirrel wife?” I asked.
“Think so. They chase each other around like they’re flirting.”
“That’s so cute.”
“Thinking about having Cain make ‘em a squirrel box so they’ve got somewhere safe to be. What?” he asked, making me realize I was watching him with a smile on my lips.
“It’s really sweet how much you care about the animals around here.”
“Tell your cousins that,” he said, taking his phone back, careful not to brush my fingers.
“Do they make fun of your old man hobbies?” I asked, making him chuckle.
“Something like that.”
“Well, don’t listen to them. It’s nice. Well, uh, I’ll let you get back to the cleaning. Thanks for, um, being our guard last night. I’m sorry we, uh, interrupted your night. I, um—”
Needed to stop rambling.
And feeling awkward around him.
We were both adults.
I didn’t have to feel weird about what happened.
“Gracie,” he said, his voice impossibly soft for such a big man. Suddenly, I wanted to hear him say it just that way forever. “It’s okay.”
“Like, I know I didn’t… that I did, but that you didn’t…”
“For fuck’s sake, don’t finish that sentence,” he cut me off. “What has happened was what we wanted to happen. That’s it. Don’t overthink it.”
“But I should—”
“Stay away from a fuck like me,” he interrupted again. “I’m no good for you, baby. That’s why there are rules.”
My shoulders slumped.
My heart did something similar.
“Right,” I agreed, my voice tight. “Well, see you around,” I said.
Then I turned on my heel and walked to my car with stupid, useless tears slipping from the corners of my eyes.
He hadn’t rejected me, not really. But he’d made it pretty clear that we were done with… all that.
It shouldn’t have hurt.
We were two grown adults.
It hadn’t even gone that far.
But I guess some part of me had been holding out hope that something more could come of it.
I was just… tired and overworked and, yeah, lonely.
I’d been trying to bury that under work, familial obligations, and chores. But it had been a really long time since I’d had someone to share my free time with, to cuddle with at night.
I missed it.
That was all it was.
I was overworked and under-loved. That was the reason for the waterworks. It wasn’t about Perish. It couldn’t be.
I dropped into my seat, discreetly wiped my eyes, and got the hell out of there before anyone saw me crying.
Especially Perish.
Who did not need to know I was crying just because he was laying down a damn boundary. One I wholly understood, given what he was risking by putting his hands on me. Or even just letting me put my hands on him.
The time in my apartment, that was one thing.
But I’d been selfish to climb up into the glass room and kiss him.
I wasn’t that special that I was worth being kicked out of the club, losing his home, and losing his livelihood.
Did some secret, romantic part of me want to be like the heroines in all the books Luna was giving me? The ones who were so amazing that the hero would burn down the world for her? Sure.
But that wasn’t real life.
No matter how much I wanted to be chosen, wanted to be worth risking everything for.
“Get a grip,” I grumbled to myself before climbing out of my car and walking down the street toward She’s Bean Around.
Did I order myself two coffees and three different sweets because my heart ached and I wanted to soothe it with sugar?
Yes.
But that was my little secret.
Then I did what I knew always worked when I was feeling low.
I threw myself into making everyone else happy.
The only problem this time?
It wasn’t quite enough.