Chapter 17
17
TOBY
Throwing my backpack onto the bed, I growl out my frustration at the situation I put us in. Not only did I overreact and attack some random guy, but I also added another enemy to watch out for when it comes to protecting my friends.
“Why am I such a fuckup?!” I yell into air.
“Maybe it’s not you that keeps screwing up, pup.”
Scott’s voice from the doorway shocks a squeal out of me that has us both dissolving into giggles once the surprise wears off. Plopping my ass on the carpet next to my bed, I throw my head back on the mattress with a sigh.
“What’s wrong with me, Scotty?” I ask him as he takes a seat in my gaming chair in the corner. “Why do I keep causing problems for everyone I care about? First my dad, now Shiloh. Next it will be you guys… I’m cursed”
Scooting the chair across the floor, Scott reaches down to pat my knee before he leans back again. Adjusting his glasses, he turns toward the window with a pensive look.
“You aren’t cursed, Toby,” he says quietly. “You just have a habit of bringing things to light that should never have been hidden in the first place. You helped your father see how toxic his marriage was and you saved your siblings from the fear and shame your mother’s side of the family would have put them through as they got older.”
Shame and fear? Mother never made me afraid. Grandfather did a few times when I was too energetic, but not my mother. The only shame I’ve felt is that I couldn’t be what was expected of me. But I never felt like I had to hide who I am. I was just disappointed that I couldn’t be what they wanted for the eldest son.
“I can smell the burning from here,” Scott chuckles. “You might not have felt that way, but do you honestly believe with you coming out that those assholes aren’t going to double down on your little brother to be a proper man? You coming out to your father and shining the light on the bigots on your mother’s side of the family lets Richie and Rachel have the freedom to find who they truly are as they get older.”
“They’re only seven,” I grumble as I pick at the carpet. “They don’t know what they like yet. I didn’t think of anything like that until I was a teenager.”
Eric pokes his head into the room and proudly exclaims, “I knew I was gay around the time I started second grade and was excited to get Valentine’s Day cards from the boys more than the girls. My father didn’t find out until I was eleven and got caught cuddling with another boy on the playground.”
Shaking out my body, I know when to admit defeat on a topic.
“Alright, so my little brother and sister can grow up knowing their mother is a bigot. That doesn’t mean I’m not a screw up.”
Eric saunters into the room and plops down to sit on the bed next to my head. Carding his fingers through my hair, he gives a little scratch behind my ear that makes me twitch. The fact that I’m ticklish there makes pupspace even more interesting.
“You are the farthest thing from a screw up, Tobias, and anyone who says differently will have me to deal with,” he says as he grabs my chin to force me to look at him. “You fucking shut down a conversion camp with Bob this summer. You saved fifty kids who were currently trapped in that hellhole and God knows how many others who might have been sent there for their ‘leadership retreat’ in the future. You didn’t screw that up.”
Pulling away from Eric’s hand, I shrug. It’s not like I really did anything. I could have reported them three years ago when Dad put me on the plane to Pittsburgh. Instead, I ignored it, too hurt by the fact that I had to cut off all contact with everyone I had ever known. If it wasn’t for running into Uncle Robert at Pride in the City, I would have kept my mouth shut about it. Only Shiloh ever knew about the real reason I was hiding from my family before that.
“That was Uncle Robert, not me,” I tell them as I climb to my feet to leave the room. “Just because I’m around when something happens, doesn’t mean I’m responsible for it.”
I shouldn’t let them chase me out of my own room, but I don’t want to hear how they all think I’m some amazing person. I’m nothing more than a fuckup who can’t even protect the person I love more than anything else in this world. Today made it glaringly obvious I will never be the man that he needs. Maybe it’s time for me to step back and let my best friend find someone who can actually take care of him the way he deserves.