Chapter 35
35
TOBY
“Get in, pup,” Jay calls out to me and I almost drop my phone in surprise. After the whole fainting thing a couple of weeks ago, I had to come clean to my housemates about why I was in Aspinwall and why I lied to them. I knew they would understand, but I didn’t want to risk them treating me differently for having so much anger inside of me.
“I was gonna call,” I tell him defiantly as I climb into the passenger seat of his car. I totally wasn’t going to call. Doctor Monroe opened my eyes to some things today that I didn’t want to look too closely at, and I was hoping for a long ass ride with a stranger to sort through it all.
“Too bad,” Jay says as he heads toward home. “House trip to DC tonight and your presence is mandatory.”
My breath hitches. I can’t go to the club without Shiloh. I’ve never been in there without him. Part of my being safe as a pup is knowing he is there and that I’m there for him. It’s not the same without him.
“I can’t,” I whisper as I stare out the window. Jay turns down the music and glances at me while he fights to change lanes so we don’t get stuck going through the tunnel.
“What do you mean? Do you have work tonight or something?”
I shake my head before resting my forehead on the cool glass. The leaves have really decided to change colors over the last week or so and I guess it’s pretty, especially with the reflection in the river.
“Talk to me, pup. Why can’t you come out with us?” Jay demands in his Daddy voice. He doesn’t usually pull that out on us, so I to react to it without thinking.
“I can’t be a pup without my kitten,” I say as the first tear drips onto the door. “I’ve never been there without Shiloh, but he left me. He doesn’t need me anymore. What good am I if he doesn’t need me as his guard dog anymore?”
Jay drives along in silence for a little while until the gas light comes on and he decides to pull in for gas at the Sheetz instead of hitting up our usual spot for gas five minutes up the road. I try to let the heavy metal rile me up, but there’s nothing left inside of me.
“… not gonna work, Spencer! He won’t be able to reach pupspace. Not today… I understand they’re already there, but I can’t in good conscience… Fucker, he’s crying! The fucking thought of going in there brought him to tears!... I won’t… don’t you dare put him… Hey Lucky… ”
I don’t like Daddy Jay being angry. And just like everything else, it’s my fault. I sniffle and wipe at my eyes to try and push the sads back down again. It’s all because of what Doctor Monroe said today. She’s wrong, of course. I’m not missing my mother. I’m missing my best friend who doesn’t need me anymore.
“… okay little one… yes, I will… I’ll tell him… okay, Lucky. Put your Daddy back on the phone please… That was low even for you, ya fucking jagoff… Yeah, we’re coming.”
Jay puts the nozzle back and grabs his receipt before he gets back in the car. When we pull out onto the road, he glances at me with worry in his eyes.
“I tried to get you out of it, Pup, but Lucky has his heart set on everyone being there tonight. If you still want to ditch after seeing him, I’ll take you right home, I promise.”
Leaning my forehead back against the cool window, I sigh. This is my new normal, I guess. I need to get used to life without my Shiloh.