Chapter 36
Noah helps me up into the ambulance bay. And even though I hate him right now, I’m grateful for the help. I can’t see where I’m going through all the tears.
Once I’m seated, an EMT takes my vitals and does an exam. After a few minutes, they deem me healthy and leave Noah and me alone. I watch the front door to Phantom’s building. The police have convened outside it and are going in after Phantom.
I try to reach for my broken heart, only to realize it’s no longer there. Not literally of course. The organ is still pumping in my chest like it’s always been. But figuratively, my heart is still in that building. Going wherever Phantom goes. And without my heart, I’m numb.
That’s what that excruciating pain must have signaled; my heart cleaving from my body.
“What’s going through your head, M?” Noah asks. His face is stripped of the anger and resentment from before and is now replaced by concern.
“My life with Phantom was supposed to start today,” I say as I notice the black sky turning gray. Dawn will be upon us soon. “They were going to get the mental health care they needed. They were going to get better.”
Noah swallows and averts his gaze. Even though I know he was coming from a good place and he didn’t know any better at the time, a vengeful part of me still hopes he feels guilty.
His tone low, Noah asks, “What did you see in them anyway?”
I stare him in the eyes when I speak. “Phantom is more than their illness. Just like I’m more than mine.
We’re all more than our illnesses; physical, mental, or otherwise.
We’re people, Noah. We’re complex creatures.
Sure, we can be dark and scary at times, but we can also be light and loving at others.
You have to stop seeing the world in black and white. ”
Noah’s about to respond when a police officer exits the building, yelling to the other members of their unit, “We’ve cleared the building. No one’s up there.”
I’m on my feet immediately, jumping out of the ambulance.
Phantom fled?
My thoughts run a mile a minute as Noah climbs out behind me.
It’s long past time that I paid for my sins, Maeve.
If they weren’t going to cooperate with the police, what did they mean when they said that? Phantom can’t run from law enforcement forever.
“They must have climbed out one of the windows and scaled down the side of the building,” another cop says to the first. “That makeshift studio is only on the second floor.”
“Let’s check the surrounding areas then,” the first cop says. “They can’t have gotten far on foot.”
I whirl in a circle. There are only two options Phantom could have chosen between. City to the left or forest to the right. I gasp as the answer hits me.
I see why you like this place. How did you find it?
By accident.
They’re going to the river.
Icy dread pools in my gut.
They wouldn’t.
It’s long past time that I paid for my sins, Maeve.
The third time—
They wouldn’t try to kill themself again. I won’t let them.
I don’t pay any mind to the cops yelling at me as I sprint, not registering anything over my own screaming thoughts. I know I’m leading the police right to Phantom, but I don’t care. Going to prison is better than being dead. At least I can still visit them behind bars.
I run harder and faster than I ever have before. I consider yelling and screaming Phantom’s name, but that would only slow me down, and I don’t want to spook them, causing them to act even faster. What I need right now is speed.
Tripping over a thick tree branch, I cry out, barely catching myself before I slam into the ground. My wrist throbs and for a moment I wonder if I’ve sprained it, but then I’m on my feet again, running. No injury will stop me from my goal.
Save them.
Save them.
Save them.
I swallow against a gag as I come upon the river. My eyes search frantically in the receding dark––the cliff, the banks, the rapid current. The water’s so high. There’s been too much rain.
I see nothing. No one.
In measured breaths, I force air into my lungs. Is this even the right stretch of river? I could be too far up or too far down. I have to make a choice. Right now. Up or down. If I make the wrong decision, the person I love dies.
Just as the weight of the choice threatens to overcome me, the sun rises to peak over the horizon. Instinctively, I turn to it, on my left, and then I know. I’m too far up.
I turn on my heels and run downriver. When we came to this forest the first time, we’d painted during the sunset, which had fallen below a dense tree line on our right.
But there aren’t enough trees on my right for this to be the right place.
I’m too close to the city here. I need to follow the river further down and I should run straight into Phantom.
I’m sprinting again, careful to avoid the cliff edge. The farther down river I get, the higher the cliff side climbs. I shove my fear of heights somewhere deep down. I don’t have the capacity for any more fear. I’m already crippled by it.
In the dim morning light, I see the shadow of a body up ahead. They’re standing near the cliff edge. From their hand gestures, they appear to be arguing with someone, but I can’t see anyone else in the small clearing.
“Phantom?” I call loudly, my voice breathless on the wind. “Phantom, is that you?”
The figure turns to me and as I get closer, the balloon of tension in my chest pops.
It’s them. I made it in time.
But as I rush for them, Phantom holds up a hand to stop me, keeping me an arm’s length away. Their squinted eyes aren’t smiling. They’re pained, apologetic.
“Fuck you,” I yell, reaching to yank the mask from their face. “You scared the hell out of me. What are you doing out here? I thought you were going to go with the police.”
They steer my hand away from their face before I can reach it. “I can’t be stuck in a cell with Echo for the rest of my life.”
“You won’t have to,” I say between panting breaths. “They have doctors in prison, Phantom.” They shake their head as I continue, “If they take you, I’ll still be able to visit you, and I’ll be here waiting when you get out.”
Phantom’s gaze turns weary—no, exhausted. “My life’s been hell, Maeve. Every single day has been a struggle, feeling like an outcast—unloved and unwanted. Until I met you. Your paintings saved me. You saved me.”
A stifled sob bursts from my lungs, but I manage to shake my head in spite of the full-body tremors racking my limbs, denying their words.
“Even though you couldn’t banish the demons like you wanted, you did something better. You saved the innocent soul buried deep inside. You coaxed it out of the darkness with soft words and bright memories, and gave it a home. I can never repay you for that.”
“Phantom, don’t,” I choke out over the fire in my throat. “I know you feel it too. We’re meant to be together.”
Phantom finally closes the distance between us, and like a reflex, I breathe in the sweet familiar scent of them.
“I know. But maybe we aren’t meant to last.” Through the mask, they kiss my forehead. “You have your whole life ahead of you, Maeve. Live it fully and unapologetically. Make art. Make friends, find lovers, and then pick a person worthy of being your partner.”
“But you’re worthy.”
Dogs bark and people yell in the forest behind us. Phantom flinches as I glance toward the ruckus.
I’ve never hurt like this before, and I doubt I ever will again. Wiping at my nose with the sleeve of my sweater, I ask, “There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”
They take my face between their cool, steady hands and wipe the tear tracks away with their thumbs. “I’m tired of being in pain. Of being with her.”
Their words conjure Phantom’s mural in my mind’s eye, the mural of the bird in eternal flight, and I know I can’t do it.
I can’t ask them to keep flying, to keep living, just for me.
So I nod and kiss them with all the passion I can muster because I need them to understand how I feel before they leave.
I memorize it all. Everything I can. The feel of their lips, the texture of their hair, their smell, the sound of their breathing.
I make it so that I’ll never forget a single piece of them, not for a second.
When we part, from the look in their eyes, I know their heart is breaking just as much as mine. But they’re doing what they think is best for them, and even if every cell in my body disagrees, I have to let them. It’s their life. What they choose to do with it is their choice.
Still quivering, I force myself out of Phantom’s arms. It’s like ripping my own flesh from my bones.
“Maeve.”
I try not to look back, but I can’t stop myself.
Finally, Phantom takes off their mask, bunching it in their hand before dropping it to the forest floor.
Then they smile—their blue and green eyes shining just as brightly as the day I met them.
Another moment to sear into my memory. I’ve had so many of them recently, but I know this one’s the most important.
“Don’t let this break you.”
I want to be angry, but I can’t be. “I wish the world got to see the beauty behind the mask.”
“So show them,” Phantom says, their smile never faltering. “Fight for people like me. Give them a safe space and a voice. Give them art and a home. Like you did for me. Save more of us.”
I nod. I nod because it’s all I can do. And as I turn away from the love of my life, I know it’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.
But I do it. I start to walk away, I really do. My feet move, one in front of the other, but my eyes betray me. For a second time, I look back. And I watch as the person carrying my heart takes a full breath . . . and jumps.
The world around me shutters like the lens of a camera.
I run to the edge of the cliff. Watch water the color of iron rush by at a neck-breaking speed. Scream their name until my voice is nothing more than hot, empty air. Get carried away by the authorities until I finally find the strength to walk away on my own.
And as I do, I commit myself to Phantom’s mission.
I’ll save as many as I can.