Chapter 22 #2
“It’s pretty new. Basically, it’s a way for guys in the closet to hook up without having to worry as much about your profile getting out. If you take even one screenshot, you get kicked off the app. And every message disappears after a minute.”
“Wow,” I marvel. “That’s intense.”
“I downloaded it about five months ago. I thought maybe, if I got it out of my system once, I could forget about the whole gay thing.” He scoffs at himself. “It had the opposite effect.”
“You learned just how gay you really are?”
“Exactly,” he responds before I have the chance to cringe at my word choice.
“So I kept doing that for a few months. Finding guys on Hanger and sneaking out once you were asleep. I met up with Finn for the first time in July. He was the first guy I really had any interest in seeing more than once because, well, you know….”
“He’s perfect.”
Jonathan nods.
Finn is perfect. But the more I think about it, the more I realize he isn’t perfect for me.
He’s never made my breath hitch in my throat the way it did when Matthew reached out to steady me.
He’s never made my stomach turn to jelly the way Matthew did when I first saw him playing with his camera.
He didn’t light my skin on fire when our arms brushed together.
He’s never made me playlists that add up to the exact length of my flight.
Finn is my work friend. Matthew is more than that.
“Yeah, that,” Jonathan agrees with my sentiment, pulling me out of my own head.
“We met up a few times over the summer, we had fun, but it was never anything serious. We were both pretty guarded, so we didn’t share many personal details.
Not even what we did for work. Maybe if we had, then I could have been better prepared for what was coming.
The second you said the name Finn, I had a sinking feeling in my gut.
I just knew it was him. I knew it before you even sent that picture of the two of you on the playground. ”
“Whoa.” I haven’t been more riveted by anything since the season six finale of Law but despite that, he was never the one I really wanted. No matter how good I was at convincing myself of the opposite. “Plus,” I continue, “the woodworking? Hot.”
“I know.” Jonathan blushes. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him do that, and I smile so widely it hurts. “It’s funny,” he muses. “He reminds me of you.”
“Huh?” I cock my head to the side. “I’m not a woodworker.”
“No,” he says, chuckling. “But you’re both hyper-organized elementary school teachers.
It’s a pretty distinct personality type.
” I think back to the neatly organized stacks of books on Finn’s bookshelf and his immaculately clean room.
We definitely do have that in common. “But,” Jonathan says with an air of sadness, “if this whole ordeal has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want to keep living two lives.
One is hard enough. I think maybe I’m ready to really give this a try.
And I don’t think Finn is there yet. I don’t want to keep sneaking through the back door of his apartment. ”
I try to think of something encouraging to say, but as usual, I fall short.
Jonathan continues. “I just…I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time. Your twenties are supposed to be the decade when you figure your shit out, and I spent it pretending to be someone I’m not. It almost feels too late now, starting over at nearly thirty. I waited too long.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I swat his words out of the air. “There isn’t a timeline for these types of things. And thirty is so young! Your life is just starting.”
“Ha!” Jonathan snorts. “You’re one to talk.”
I squint at him, confused.
“Phoebe…I’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve threatened to end it all if you’re still a virgin by the time you’re thirty.”
“Yeah, but that’s different,” I’m quick to reply.
“Is it?” he asks.
I don’t know. Is it? If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that it’s not too late for Jonathan. Nothing strikes me as wrong about him moving at his own pace, even though it’s the very same thing I’ve beat myself up over for years.
Could it be that there’s nothing wrong with me, either? I can feel the seeds of an epiphany begin to take root.
For the first time in my life, I know exactly what to say.
“Do you think it’s too late for me?” I ask.
“Huh?” He looks at me, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Do you think it’s too late for me?” I repeat with conviction. “I haven’t dated anyone. I haven’t had sex. I’ve never been in love. I’m turning thirty in twelve days. Do you think it’s too late for me?”
“No! Of course not!”
“Right.” I nod slowly, a smile forming on my face. “So why would it be any different for you?”
I can see his jaw working while he thinks. “I guess you’re right.”
“We’re in this together.”
“We’re in this together,” he whispers.
The message that Sandy has been trying to communicate to me for years is finally starting to sink in. Maybe it’s not such a terrible thing to go through life at your own pace.
There’s nothing wrong with me.
The thought startles me. It’s the first time I’ve ever believed it.
I jump at the chance to say the words out loud before they disappear. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with us.”
He looks at me, deliberating. “I don’t think there is, either.”
“We have time.”
“We have time,” he agrees.
When I breathe in, it feels like I’m inhaling new air. I feel lighter.
“What now?” I ask.
“Well,” he starts, standing up and offering his hand to me.
“I should talk to Finn at some point. I need to figure out where his head is at.” I nod.
“But that can wait. Tonight, I just want to hang with you. I hear there’s a new season of Love Is Blind.
” He smirks as I jump up and down with excitement.
He reaches to open the door, but I grab hold of his arm to stop him. “Oh, one last thing,” I whisper, raising my eyebrows in the direction of the cubicles. “Sydney. Are you even friends with her?”
“Johnny,” he imitates in a mocking voice, rolling his eyes. “I can’t stand her.”
My mouth falls open. “Jonathan Cooper shit-talking. I never thought I’d see the day.”
He smiles. “I’ve always had this weird idea that saying something bad behind someone’s back would give them permission to do the same. And I never wanted anyone talking about me; I was too scared of what they might say. Now”—he shrugs—“I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m not that scared anymore.”
I mull his thought process over. “That makes zero sense.”
“Well, nothing you think makes sense, either,” he says matter-of-factly.
“That’s true.”
We walk out of his office building together arm in arm, and he drops me off at my car before heading into the garage to find his.
As soon as I get on the road, I call Nora.
“Hello?” Her voice is slightly clipped, and I know her well enough to sense that she’s annoyed with me for not responding to her announcement earlier.
“I know I’m late to congratulate you.” I’m about to white lie and tell her that I’m just now looking at my phone for the first time today, but I have a change of heart at the last second.
It feels like it’s time to be honest, for a change.
“I’m just now getting around to processing the news.
I’m sorry it took me so long.” She lets out a small sigh on the other end of the line.
“I’ll miss you, Nora. So much. But I am so proud of you. ”
There’s a moment of silence between us before she responds, her voice much softer than I’m used to. “You’ll come visit, though, right? It’s only a six-hour drive to San Francisco.”
“It’s a good thing my Glee playlist is well over seven,” I tell her. “I’ll be there.”
—
After my call with Nora, I spend the rest of my ride home lost in thought, daydreaming about all the things Jonathan and I will do now that we know we’re not running out of time.
The neon Open sign flashing above our local gas station snaps me out of my trance, and I decide to run in and grab some snacks for our Love Is Blind marathon. I load up on Jonathan’s favorites: Airheads Xtremes, peanut M&M’s, and honey mustard pretzels.
I don’t notice the ticket on my windshield until my walk back to the car. I can’t help but smile when I pick it up.
It’s the best fifty-four dollars I’ve ever spent.