Chapter 16
Phoenix
The first girl I’ve ever loved lies naked in my bed, sleeping peacefully while I sit on the edge, staring at my reflection in the mirror. A tall man of muscle and tattoos acting as a fa?ade for the same little boy who sat quivering with fear after the fire had engulfed his mother. How would I live without her? How would I become anything without my mother to guide me? How am I supposed to protect my sister who needs so much? What will I do if I fail to protect her? Fail to protect Jess?
I sink my face of doubt inside of my hands, unable to look at my fears any longer, even though they are always there. The expectation to always come out the hero, the victor, the pillar of strength is sometimes too much for me to bear. I never escaped those flames; they took me along with her; I am but mere smoke and ashes.
“Warren,” a soft voice calls out to me, forcing my muscles to relent in their tense hold. “I have seen that look in my own reflection. Many times.”
“And what look is that?” I reply, still with my face hidden inside of my hands.
“Abject fear, disappointment, uncertainty, loss,” she says as I feel her hands snake around to rest over my chest. I cannot help but move my own to cover them, to hold them against me for fear I’ll lose them altogether. “To name but a few.”
“Does it not worry you?” I ask. “To have chosen a man who believes himself a fraud?”
She does not answer me straight away, but kisses my back with gentle touches, all the way up to my ear.
“Your self-doubt is what made me trust you in the first place,” she whispers. “Men who wear their confidence and pride and little else are the ones to fear. The man who took me, ‘Daddy’, liked to act the confident man, the proud father, and yet he was neither.”
“And who was…” I begin as I turn to run my hand over her naked skin, gifting her with a genuine smile I do not offer to many others, “…the kind of man who dared to take you?”
My expression turns serious, as does hers, for this is no laughing matter. But if I am to help her, to track down this man if he is still alive, I need to know all I can about him. It is perhaps disturbing how I came to be the assassin I once was; to study human behavior and let the most depraved of men influence my mind in such a way I could almost be accused of thinking in the same way as them. I have killed many, I am no angel, but I like to think I am not quite as bad as those who I have been hired to slaughter. A man who steals children to raise as his own while locking them in a basement for years, where they lay praying for their families that never come, is surely a lower form of being than an assassin of murderers and abusers.
“He was damaged,” she finally tells me, her hand cupping my cheek as I look deep inside of her sad eyes. “I fear I am now just as damaged, though my only victim has been myself.”
“No one will hurt you now, Jess, not even yourself,” I tell her as I lean down to slowly kiss her plump, ruby-red lips. I could kiss her until my own turned just as red, but I need answers to difficult questions, ones I wish I didn’t have to ask her. “I won’t let them.”
“You want to ask me more, don’t you?” she asks sadly, knowing this has been coming for a long time.
“I do,” he replies truthfully, “but I will only ask of you what I am willing to give myself. I will tell you anything you wish to know. An offer I have never made to anyone else before.”
“Really?” she asks with genuine surprise in her voice, and I smile as we both scoot up to sit side by side together on the bed, getting ready to bear all. “Ok, I shall try.”
“First off, and it makes me feel sick to have to ask this of any woman but did…I’m not calling him ‘Daddy’.” I tell her with a grimace for the fact she was forced to when she must have been absolutely terrified of him; the mere thought makes my fists itch to punch somebody. She smiles nervously, and I instantly bring her hand to my lips to kiss it for reassurance. “Did Robert ever touch you?”
“He would touch me like a father might, an overly affectionate one by comparison to my real father, but nothing that would suggest it was sexual. And for that, I am at least grateful.”
“Thank God,” I say through a long breath of relieved air. “What about Jake?”
“When I hit seventeen, Dad…Robert decided I was eighteen, an adult. He came to the decision that we needed another child in the ‘family’. At first, I began to panic that he was planning to snatch someone else, someone like me. I think Jake thought so too; he started insisting on going with him everywhere he went. Every time he went out, I would sit in a state of trembling and panic, fearing he would come home with a small kid. It brought back painful memories.”
She takes a moment to shut her eyes and try to compose herself, so I bring her against me to hold, rubbing her arm while she takes a few deep breaths.
“But…” she finally continues, “a few weeks after his declaration, he made a dinner for us all. We were instructed to come up to his dining room where he announced something that was not worse, per se, but as equally fucked up. Robert decided Jake and I should make a baby together.”
“Jesus!” I mutter through my teeth, feeling the fear radiating off her.
“Jake tried to argue that we were siblings, that it wouldn’t be right, but Robert wouldn’t listen to reason. In his head, he had decided that Jake, my brother as far as he had been concerned, was to now become my lover. I lost hold of my senses, and I began to shout and scream, telling him I wanted to do no such thing, that I didn’t want to have a baby. Jake tried to calm me down, but when I eventually began to see the blur of my panic attack, something hit the back of my head and I went out cold.”
“Robert?”
“Yes,” she verifies without any emotion in her voice or her eyes. “When I came to, I was back in that basement, lying on the bed with Jake holding my hand, looking full of concern, and with Robert watching on from the corner of the room.”
She pauses in her memory and snuggles against my chest, making herself fetal and unable to look me in the eye. I place my hand on top of her head and begin smoothing down her long, inky black hair.
“My nerves instantly returned but when I looked at Jake, his eyes were wide, and his expression told me to hold on; he had a plan.”
_____
Jessie (Niamh),17
Jake’s eyes implore me to keep it together, to play along, and to trust that he will save us from having to act out something that made me feel so dirty, so unnatural, I couldn’t bear to look at my own body. I manage to swallow back the scream that is resting inside of my throat and look away, as if signaling that I am ready. Even if I have no idea what it is I am getting ready for, I am trusting him with my life.
“Jake? Jake, is she ready?” Daddy asks with anticipation in his voice, a perverse sound that has me trembling even harder. Jake squeezes my hand one more time before turning away to face our jailor.
“Father, she is more than ready,” he says confidently, “though I may need some help to steady her nerves. Will you hold her wrists? To steady her so I can position myself?”
Bile is quickly climbing up my throat, threatening to erupt all over my heaving chest. Dizziness spreads over my head as I try hard not to doubt Jake. After six years of living together, supporting one another through everything, confiding all my fears, doubts, and sadness, this man is my brother as far as I am concerned. He wouldn’t betray me. I know he won’t.
“Good thinking, Jake. A girl’s first time is always a scary notion for her,” Daddy replies, as though he truly believes he is helping and not creeping me out beyond sanity. “I’m sure Jake will more than look after you, Niamh.”
It is almost impossible not to fight against his hands that are trying to grip hold of my wrists, especially when he is perched directly behind me. The whole feeling of being ritually offered to a man makes me want to claw out my own hair.
“Of course, I will, Father,” Jake begins to say as he walks over to the corner of the room, all the while starting to unbutton his shirt. “One moment, let me just get undressed.”
As he walks away out of sight, I cannot help but begin to release tears of fear and disgust. Jake is a beautiful man, and I have seen a few girls looking his way on the rare occasions we have been allowed to walk through the town. However, he is my brother, and this is not my choice. Choices have been taken away from me from the moment Tammy had forced me into that car.
“Just imagine, Niamh, a beautiful baby to love and complete our happy little family,” Daddy begins to coo inside my ear. I have to close my eyes to it if only to try and block out his voice. It’s a voice that will plague my nightmares forever more; how could it not? “This part might hurt to begin with but-“
The sound of something slamming against flesh, followed by the thump of Daddy’s body falling over me, forces a loud gasp to escape through my trembling lips. My wrists break free of his now limp hands, so I take the opportunity to jump away from him. As soon as I am up on my feet, I turn to see Daddy lying unconscious with blood dripping over his greasy hair. Standing behind him, with a loose brick in his right hand, is Jake. He looks shocked, almost conflicted; this man, however perverted and insane he is, has been his father his entire life.
“Jake?” I whisper slowly, prompting him to pull his eyes away from the unconscious man and direct them to me. He shakes away his guilt and uncertainty and replaces them with a look of determination.
“Ok?” he whispers, and I nod, even though I’m not ok. Not at all. “Good, now grab whatever, and let’s get the hell out of here!”
We scramble away as fast as we can, leaving everything behind and leaping up the stairs, two at a time. I am so hasty that I end up getting caught on the damaged wooden stairs and rip my skin open.
“Fuck!” I cry as the blood begins seeping out of the open wound.
“Shit, can you still run?” Jake stops and turns around to see to my wound, but I simply push him back toward the door, to freedom.
“Nothing will stop me from running,” I groan through my teeth, “just go; let’s go!”
_____
Phoenix, Present
“Jesus,” I mutter when it truly hits me just how much Jess and my cousin had to go through. Thank God Jake is the man he is and not the man he was brought up by. Speaking of which, “And he never got up again?”
“We didn’t hang around to find out. Jake grabbed the keys to the car, and we just drove…for hours. We didn’t talk, we didn’t stop, we just drove and drove. I passed out some time after the sun came up, and when I woke, we were sitting outside of a police station. Jake was just staring out the window, watching the cops beginning to filter in for the day.”
I take hold of her hand, forcing myself to snap out of my need to get as much factual information as possible. This is hard for her, I know, I’ve been there. In the first few days after the fire, I remember being so tired and so lost, I barely spoke. The only person I did speak to was Lou, my baby sister. I knew with her that whatever I said would be restricted to baby talk, happy and simple.
_____
Jessie (Niamh), 17
“You need to go in,” Jake eventually disrupts the still air with his tired voice. “People are waiting for you.”
“What about you?” I ask, even though the utter despair in his eyes is enough to make my whole body hurt for him.
“There’s no one for me anymore,” he whispers, almost to himself.
“There must be someone,” I whimper, “please, Jake, I can’t leave you!”
“You have to,” he says as he begins to cry with me. “You have a mom and a dad who have been looking for you for six years, Niamh. I’ll be ok, trust me.”
“But you’re my brother, and I love you,” I cry as I fall into his arms. We stay like that for such a long time, my tears dry against my cheeks and I half wonder if he has fallen asleep.
“It’s time, Niamh,” he says sadly, “it’s time to go home.”
Home feels like such an alien concept right now but, at the end of the day, I know he’s right. We cannot stay in this car forever and I need to face the life that was stolen from me.
“You won’t forget me?” I ask him softly.
“If there’s one thing for sure, Niamh, it’s that we’ll never forget one another,” he says as both a warning and a reassurance. “When the time is right, I’ll be in contact, trust me.”
Eventually, we separate, and I get out of the car. I have imagined this moment from the very day I was taken. The image changed over the years as I grew and lost hope, but I never thought I’d feel like I was missing a limb, a vital piece of my heart. The feeling grows so strong, I have to turn back one last time to see the face I have been living with every day since I was eleven years old. And as I stare at him, he looks back at me as if to say he knows.
“Jake,” I call to him, “thank you.”
“What for?”
“For saving my life,” I tell him honestly, and with one last smile.
“It’s what brothers do,” he says before switching on the ignition and driving away, once and for all.
Will I ever see him again? I hope so.
______
Phoenix, Present
Jess was pretty much wiped out after she had shared her escape with me, so I left her to sleep while I went through to the bar to help out. As you can imagine, the bar is at its busiest on a Saturday, and tonight is no different. It’s all hands on deck, including my cousin’s. I’m grateful for the crowds of people; people are keeping me from looking at him after what Jess told me. Though I am awful at baring any kind of feelings, other than wrath or irritation, I feel something for him that goes beyond our usual back and forth. I always thought he was akin to a puppy dog who meandered through life with a perpetual grin on his face. I thought he managed to skip having responsibilities, given that he never had a sibling and never seemed to have a steady girlfriend. However, I can admit, I was totally wrong about the guy.
“Hey, ese,” Javier says, snapping his fingers in front of my eyes that have managed to ignore the comings and goings.
“Huh?” I reply gormlessly, trying to shake my thoughts away before he manages to realize that I am more than just puddle-deep when it comes to emotions.
“You keep staring at Jake,” he says with a curl of his lips, “how’s he pissed you off this time?”
“He hasn’t,” I huff, collecting up the empties from his table. He’s alone tonight and I wonder if he’s finally let his girlfriend go. She deserves more than he’s willing to give to a woman.
“Then…?” he asks, gesturing his hand around in the air for further explanation.
“I’m going to need to take him on a run with me,” I inform him, “you too, if you wanna?”
“Depends; how interesting is it?”
“It’s worth nothing,” I explain with a shrug, then watch as he screws his face up at me. “Well, not monetary, anyway. To Jess, it could be worth her sleeping better at night. I need to go back to where that asshole kept her and Jake. I need to find out if he ever got up again. If we’re lucky, he’s long dead.”
“How long?” he asks, talking about the length of time we’ll be away from home.
“Couple days, maybe,” I reply. “I’ll have to ask my uncle to look after Jess while I’m gone.”
“And you think she’s going to let you go without her? I barely know her, and I can already see she trusts you and only you.”
“That’s where Lou and Daniel come in,” I answer. “Plus, I think she formed a bond with Lou’s British friend, Izzy.”
“Count me in,” he says with a nod that tells me he will always have my back. Being the emotionally deep kind of guy I am, I simply nod back.
Hours later, well after closing time, a face I haven’t seen for a while comes flustering through the door with a case that tells me he’s going to be staying a while. I consider it a happy coincidence, knowing that he’ll take care of the bar for me while Jake and I go and investigate Robert’s supposed death.
“Uncle,” I say to him by way of greeting.
“Phoenix!” he beams, just as Jake goes out back to check on Jess. Once upon a time, I would have felt a pang of jealousy, however, after what she told me, I know nothing like that would ever happen between them. He more than deserves to play the protective brother to her, for that is exactly what he is to her.
“Good trip?” I ask as I help him shuffle inside with his belongings.
“Shit, but an experience nonetheless,” he chuckles. I can’t ever recall seeing the man get angry over anything. Even when he learned of Lou’s attack, he was the concerned adult in the room, not the raging ball of energy that I was. “What’s been going on around here?”
“Lenny?” Jake calls out with his equally happy face. Jess is not far behind him, though she looks a lot less confident now she can see another stranger has walked into her life. She keeps close to his back, almost trying to hide and look anywhere but at my uncle.
“Jake,” Lenny says softly, having noticed the nervous girl behind him, “hello.”
“H-hi,” Jess murmurs before rushing over to me, where she cuddles into my chest, seeking refuge. I both love and hate it all at the same time. I kiss her head to try and reassure her that it’s ok. She is safe and I will always do everything I can to ensure it stays that way.
“Jess, this is my uncle,” I tell her as I wrap my arm around her back, “it’s ok, I’ve got you.”
“A pleasure, Jess,” my uncle says, though he’s looking pleasantly shocked by my reaction to this girl. I brace myself for his excitement over me having finally found someone who means something to me. Thankfully, he reads the situation perfectly and merely smiles.
“I-I’m sorry, strangers make me nervous,” she says quietly before tentatively offering her hand for him to shake.
“Oh, don’t mind me, Jess,” he laughs, “most people make me uncomfortable too. I understand completely.”
I watch her blush with a kind of shame, so I squeeze her extra tight and smile.
“I just came out to tell you I’m going to head to bed,” she says to me, “will you be coming soon?”
“Course, give me ten minutes, baby,” I whisper before mouthing my love for her. She kisses me before walking out back.
“Well, strike me down, Phoenix!” Lenny declares, still being careful to stay quiet for her sake.
“Don’t!” I warn him, even though I have to admit I have a huge grin on my face.
“But this is fantastic news, isn’t it, Jake?” Lenny now turns to face my fearful-looking cousin.
“Sure,” he says, “but it also means it’s time, don’t you think?”
“Time for what?” I immediately ask, looking between the both of them for some sort of explanation.
Lenny drops his eyes to the floor and turns pale. Whatever it is, it can’t be good. What else have they been hiding from me?
“Are you sure, Jake? This might not go how you hoped,” he says as he begins rubbing the back of his neck with anxiety. “And Lou should surely be here, shouldn’t she?”
“She knows,” Jake snaps, sounding almost angry.
“She knows?! I thought we agreed!” my uncle snaps back.
“Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?”
“Lenny has something to give you, something that belonged to your father,” Jake says, ignoring my uncle and his flustering hands. “Once you read it, you’ll know everything. You might not like it, but it won’t change anything.”
I immediately turn to face my uncle with my hand held out, waiting for him to give me whatever it is. At first, he just stares at my empty hand, all the while looking incredibly conflicted, but eventually, he sighs, long and slow, and walks back over to his bag to retrieve this mystery item that will explain everything, as well as piss me off.
“Before I give this to you, your father made me promise not to let you see it until you had found someone. He wanted you to first find love, for fear that you would forever turn your back on it if you read this first.”
“What the hell is it?” I ask, scowling at the book in his hand like it’s a ticking timebomb.
“It’s the rest of your father’s diary; the part he held back from you,” he explains before placing it inside of my hand. “He gave you the part that explains how he met your mother, but this will tell the rest of it. Neither I nor Jake can fully explain it with the words your father could. He always was creative, both with his music and his words. How do you think he managed to catch someone as beautiful as your mother?”
I ignore his attempt at humor, and instead bring the book close to my chest, as if protecting it from anyone taking it away from me.
“Have you read it?” I ask Jake with rage in my voice. He simply nods but with a resolute expression on his face. “How the fuck has he had access to it when I haven’t? I’m his flesh and blood for Christ’s sake!”
“It was your father’s wish,” Lenny says quietly, “you’ll see why when you read it.”
As I begin to stomp away, fearing that I’ll do or say something I might later regret, Jake suddenly grabs hold of my elbow. He’s given a filthy look before I snatch my arm away from his grip. He looks just as annoyed, though he doesn’t try to reach out for me again.
“I have only done what your father wished for,” he says sadly, “I haven’t kept secrets from you on purpose. The situation with Jess was different; it was something painful we both had to endure for years. It wasn’t just my story to tell, she had to do that first. Truthfully, I haven’t been able to tell anyone about what happened, not fully anyway. But your father’s memoir was all his; I had no choice but to adhere to his wishes.”
“We’ll see,” I mutter bitterly before striding out back, hoping to God neither of them follows me.