Chapter 19
Niamh
As soon as the sun came up the next morning, Warren left with Jake and his uncle. It feels as though he took my heart with him. His sister was standing right beside me as he left a trail of dust behind in his wake. She put her arm around my shoulders and pretended not to see me crying. Javier was standing to the other side of her, but he wasn’t looking at Warren leaving like we were, he was looking right at Lou. When he caught me staring, he simply offered a sad smile before walking back into the bar.
Shortly after, Lou helps me with a bag full of her old clothes into her car so we can make our way over to her house near the coast.
“Are you sure Daniel doesn’t mind me staying?” I ask as we travel along the highway. “I don’t want to put anyone out.”
“Daniel is chill, always has been,” she says with a beaming smile. “Besides, he’d do anything to keep me happy.”
“You really love him,” I observe, smiling and feeling pleased that she found happiness after everything that happened to her. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sounds ominous,” she laughs, “it’s not about my brother’s bad habits, is it?”
“No, it’s about Javier. Did something happen between you two?”
“Ah,” she says with a sad sigh, “no. Obviously, you know about me and his brother, right?”
“Warren told me a little bit,” I admit, “but he didn’t say anything about you and Javier.”
“Javier admitted to having feelings for me,” she says in a hushed tone, “he sabotaged my relationship with his brother because he wanted more for me, a life outside of their shady business. I never felt the same as him, but I do love him, but like I love Phoenix.”
“Oh, I see…poor guy,” I utter, having a newfound respect for Warren’s scary friend.
“I worry he’ll never find anyone,” she says, “but then, I never thought my brother would find anyone either, and yet…” she pauses to smile at me, “here you are.”
“Believe me, I’m just as surprised that I managed to find him,” I admit. “Well, he found me, but you know what I mean.”
“You’re different, Niamh,” she says with confidence, “you were so quiet and withdrawn when I first met you, and now look at you. I’m glad you found one another.”
_____
Niamh
After being at Lou’s place for two days, I’ve started having recurring nightmares again. All of them play on repeat – being taken, being back inside that basement, Stanley flying away from me when I need him most. I wake up in a sheen of sweat, panting and flustering at a dark figure who appears in front of me. I know it’s taking its toll on me; I can see it on Lou and Daniel’s faces when I come down in the morning with bags under my eyes and a tremble in both hands. I haven’t mentioned it to Warren; I need him to focus on what he’s doing so he can get back to me as soon as he is able.
The shadow of Daddy has begun to appear too. He stands amongst Lou and Daniel’s garden, statue still, just waiting for me. He usually disappears within a few blinks, but my mind is still terrified of seeing him. I must have looked particularly bad this morning for Lou begged me to go to lunch at Izzy’s house with her. I wanted to stay in the confines of my room where I could hide and wait for Warren to call, but I didn’t want to let her down either. I felt sick the whole ride over and it was obvious I wasn’t comfortable.
“Hi!” Izzy beams as she comes out the front door to welcome us, her dog trotting along behind her with her tail wagging. She still makes me nervous, but I can see she means no harm. She reminds me of Stanley – a gentle beast who only seeks love and affection.
“Hi, Izzy,” Lou says cautiously, “I think Niamh might need a glass of water, she’s not feeling too good.”
“Oh,” she replies, her smile dropping as soon as she sees me. She walks slowly up to me and reaches her hand out to my shoulder, as though I’m a nervous dog that needs time to assess her before she offers anything more. “Niamh, why don’t you come inside and get a drink? You can sit with Stella.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I tell her, “I’m still not sure about dogs.”
“We’ll take it slowly,” she says calmly, “she’s a therapy dog; I promise she won’t hurt you and you might find she settles your anxiety. I can put her on the leash if that makes you feel better?”
“O-ok,” I reply, not feeling at all convinced, but I think I need to try whatever I can to soothe my frazzled nerves.
Izzy leads us all through her beautiful house until we hit their tranquil backyard, which is full of bright, colorful flowers, palm trees, and other tropical-looking plants. I take a seat in a small chair that sits beside a table that’s already been set up with drinks and snacks. A picnic blanket is laid out beside it. It’s obvious this is where Izzy has been sitting with Stella because she has a few books lying on top of it, together with a few squeaky toys for the dog.
“I love your garden, Izzy,” Lou gasps, “I always feel so calm here.”
“Theo hired a landscape gardener for just that reason. I was skeptical at first, but I must admit, it is our little haven. You can’t beat a little vitamin D to try and brighten your mood.”
She pours me a drink, then brings Stella over to have a sniff. I hold out my hand for her to explore before she makes herself comfortable and places her head on top of my lap with a contented sigh. At first, I lift my hands far away and with a fluttering of nerves inside my chest. I then look at Izzy who simply smiles before pouring a drink for Lou.
“So, I guess I should let you know,” she begins, “Theo and I are expecting a little girl in the autumn.”
“Oh my God!” Lou squeals with excitement as she gets up to give her friend a big hug. “Congratulations!”
“Yeah, it’s taken us a while of trying, which was like, such a chore,” she giggles over her sarcasm, “but we found out a couple of months ago. Baby girl is doing well and has happily started kicking.”
“Wow, what’s that feel like?” Lou asks.
“Like butterflies fluttering about low in your stomach.”
“I bet Theo’s over the moon, he’s wanted a baby with you for so long,” Lou says with a huge smile on her face. I hope I can smile like that one day; I know it won’t happen until Warren is back home with me.
“He is but he’s seriously fussing over me,” she says with a roll of her eyes.
As they talk away about babies, pregnancy, and nurseries, I look down to see that I’ve begun stroking Stella’s soft head. She looks like she’s smiling, the sight of which has me smiling with her. Izzy’s right - I do feel better. In fact, I reach further down her neck to rub behind her ears.
“You feeling ok there, Niamh?” Izzy asks with a smile on her face, knowing I’d eventually succumb to this dog’s ability to make me feel better.
“She feels like a teddy bear,” I reply, “I almost want to cuddle her.”
“Why do you think I choose to sit on the blanket?” Izzy says, patting it with her hand so Stella moves to lie down with her. “Here, come and sit with her. She’ll let you cuddle her properly.”
Still feeling a little reticent, I gradually slip down onto the soft blanket and begin to pat Stella’s back. Izzy eventually moves away while I slip myself further around Stella. She just lies there and lets me manipulate her into any shape I want. When we’re both finally comfortable, I begin to smile over the feeling of safety and love I feel from this dog.
“Hey, Lou, do you still want to borrow the purple dress? I have it upstairs, come see. You may as well have a good rummage. I won’t be wearing them for a while.”
“Oh, great, yeah,” Lou replies as she gets to her feet. “Niamh, do you wanna come or would you prefer to stick with Stella down here?”
“Would it be ok to stay with Stella?” I ask and they both smile at one another, pleased to have had their plan work.
“See you in a bit,” Izzy says, “we’re just upstairs if you need us.”
I smile as I watch them leave, reveling in a feeling of normalcy I haven’t felt with anyone apart from Warren. Stella has completely flopped over my outstretched legs and is enjoying the cuddles I’m giving.
“Don’t think this means I’m not scared of dogs,” I whisper to her with a giggle, “you’re different.”
She makes no movement, just remains completely contented to be lying in the sun receiving unlimited pats of affection from me. My mind begins to wander, contemplating what my life would have been like had I not been taken. Would my parents have let me have a pet? Would I still have gone to Stanley’s cave to look for scales, wishing for things that most girls do, like friends, a career, love, and marriage? I like to think so. Is any of that still possible?
Love, I have love, and perhaps that’s enough considering everything that was taken from me. And perhaps Lou and Izzy, even Stella here, are those lifelong friends I should have made when I went to high school. I thought Tammy was that friend before being taken, but she proved differently.
A few months after I came back home, when all the media fuss had begun to die away, Tammy came to visit me with her big brother; the one who used to try and beat us up when we played ‘Murder in the Dark’. They made a handsome pair of siblings, even if they did look completely different from how I remembered them.
“Niamh,” Tammy whispers before breaking down into floods of tears. “Oh my God, Niamh!”
She tries to hug me, but I shuffle away, though this isn’t just for her benefit, I avoid human contact as much as possible. Even my mother was shunned when she tried to come near me. Dad didn’t even try. It was as though he knew I wasn’t capable of handling it; he also didn’t believe me when I told the police I hadn’t been sexually abused. I didn’t try to convince him; I didn’t care.
“Hey, Niamh, you look…” her brother trails off; he’s just as stupid as he always was.
“She likes to be called Jessie now,” my mother says with hurt in her voice. She’s been hurting ever since I returned; I guess she had been expecting something more from me when I came back from six years of incarceration. Alas, I cannot offer her anything more than what I am. I wonder if she ever wishes I had remained dead; would it have been an easier concept to stomach than having a stranger for a daughter?
“Jessie,” Tammy whimpers as she edges toward me, “you’re my best friend, do you know how much I’ve missed you over the years?”
I offer her nothing, just a set of expressionless eyes and a wide berth. She shuffles up to me on the couch, setting my heart to beat that little bit faster.
“I pictured all sorts of things - everything from being brutally murdered to human trafficking! God, it’s been so hard, Jessie, so hard!”
Still, I cannot think of anything to say to her.
“I’m so glad those things didn’t happen to you, that you’re ok, that he didn’t damage you in any way!”
“When we heard Niam…I mean Jessie, was ok, that she hadn’t been abused in the way Tammy was sure she had been, you cannot believe the relief we all felt.”
“Four months,” I utter so quietly, I don’t know if anyone hears me.
“What?” Tammy asks, sounding surprised and a little scared. She knows what I’m referring to.
“Four months,” I repeat a little louder, ignoring the look of concern on her brother’s face. He can see this is going to go badly. “You waited four months to tell anyone what happened.”
“Jessie, you have no idea how scared I was…he threatened my family, you saw he did!”
“Jessie, Tammy was only twelve years old,” my mother adds, putting her hand on Tammy’s shoulder because she knows I won’t let her. “She was so sorry when she eventually came forward. You can’t blame her for what that monster did to you.”
“Jessie, I wanted to—"
“Get out,” I mutter, averting my gaze to the floor so I don’t have to listen to their excuses.
“Jessie, I was only twelve—"
“SO WAS I!” I yell at the top of my voice, making everyone jump and look uncomfortable. “GET OUT!”
Tammy bursts into sobs and tears while my mother tries to apologize for my outburst. Her brother is beginning to look angry with me, but his reaction no longer intimidates me like it once did, so I ignore him.
By the time my mother has ushered them out the door with reassurances that she understands, I’ve already closed myself down again.
“Jessie, I’m sorry, baby,” she says as she tries to reach out for me, but I flinch and move out of reach. “Please, Jessie, what do you want me to do? What do you want from me? Please, you have to talk to me!”
I merely look at her, take in the sight of her crying, and feel nothing but indifference. I don’t want to talk anymore; these people are strangers to me now. I have no one but Jake, but he left me too. Perhaps it would have been best to have died in that basement, for me as well as everyone else.
When I come to from my daydream of those nightmarish first few months, I look up to see the shadow of a man that plagues me. It remains still like a statue, but it’s much closer than usual. There’s no barrier between me and it. My heart rate picks up and my breath becomes fast and shallow. All the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, to the point where Stella gets to her feet and begins to try and comfort me. She nuzzles her head in the crook of my neck, licking me with her tongue to try and calm me down. I cling to her fur with such force, I must be hurting her. Though if I am, she doesn’t appear to be worried by it.
It's just a dream, a figment of your imagination, Niamh. He’s not there, not real…
My eyes are shut tight, my jaw clenched to the point of pain, and when I grip onto Stella even harder, she pulls back. She releases a throaty growl, a warning sound that cannot be mistaken for aggression. My eyes burst open to try and show her that I mean no harm, and I’m sorry for hurting her, however, when I see her growling, she’s not facing me, she’s facing the shadow. She’s facing him.