Chapter 45 | It’s Me
45 | It’s Me KAITLIN
In the mirror in the bathroom off the cafeteria, I am just me—albeit with dark circles, bags, dull skin. But even I know I’ve turned into a monster.
I am furious that they’re together, but also—of course they are.
Didn’t I almost will it? Would he ever even have noticed her if I hadn’t talked about her incessantly?
In the wake of the implosion, I am oddly calm.
The bathroom door wheezes open. A small child—maybe a first grader—walks in, crosses to a stall. Doesn’t lock it.
For a second, I’m afraid she’ll be scared of me. Then I remember that looks can be deceiving. To her, I am just another mom.
I turn on the faucet. The water is freezing cold, but I splash it on my cheeks anyway.
I need to get out of this place. Go home. I have blown up what was left of my life. And the stupid thing is, I don’t even care about Sasha anymore.
In this moment, I can see what I’ve maybe wanted all along: confirmation that she’s just as much of a mess as I am.
The little girl comes out of the stall.
“Don’t forget to wash your hands,” I say, drying my own on a brown paper towel. I hand her a dry one.
And then I go home, leaving out the school’s front gates instead of the yard. I don’t tell Lisa or Ruby or Ethan I’m leaving. And I don’t go back for my hat.