Chapter Twelve
Chapter Twelv e
Emberli
“I ’m not ready to be a dad, Emberli.” Elijah’s hand covers his mouth as we both stare at the positive pregnancy test.
“I know. I’m not exactly ready to be a mom either.” I rest my hand over his moments before he pulls it away, running it through his hair.
“Why do you have to do that?”
I pale. “Do what?”
“Make this all about you. It’s always about how you feel.”
“Where is this coming from?” I ask. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry isn’t good enough. Everytime I tell you how I feel, you make it about you.” He snaps, eyes narrowing at me. The eyes that once looked at me with love and now seem only to be replaced with annoyance.
“I didn’t mean to, Lij.”
“I don’t want to do this right now. I don’t want to talk to you about this.”
“Except you never do.” He turns to me, shocked.
“Because this is how you act. You make it all about you.”
“I said I was sorry, Elijah.”
“And I said I’m not talking about this.”
“Everything looks good.” Stacey, my newly appointed midwife nods as she wheels herself away from the sonogram machine. “Have you got any concerns that you wanted to discuss? I noticed you haven’t had a check-up appointment in a few months.”
“I’ve been travelling around a lot.” I’m sure it makes me sound like a terrible mom-to-be and judging by the short gaze Stacey holds before she taps at something on her computer, she definitely agrees.
“Okay, well it would be good for you to come back every month until you’re at 28 weeks, then we can assess you every two weeks. How does that sound?”
Staying here throughout my pregnancy sounds as inescapable as it seems, but I nod regardless, because my midwife is scarily intimidating and I can’t say no.
“Okay, sure.”
“Great. I’ll book you in for next month. Is the twenty-eighth okay with you?”
It sounds permanent. Terrifyingly so.
Maybe I should just go back home. No matter how disappointing, I could always make my family proud some other way. Maybe I should just accept defeat.
“Em? You okay?” Odessa asks from beside me and I nod.
“Yeah. That seems fine.” I say.
“Great.” Stacey taps away at her computer and Odessa glances at me.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. It’s just starting to feel a lot more real now.” I feel pressured, like I’m losing time and there’s nothing I can do to get it back.
My shoulders weigh heavy with the reminder that I have to figure my shit out before I bring this baby into the world, because it’s my mess , not theirs .
“It’s normal to feel pressure.” Stacey speaks behind her desk, like she’s heard this a dozen times. Only her reassurance is said in a dull tone, like she’s bored. And suddenly I couldn’t feel any more like an inconvenience than I do right now. “But you’re very supported. I hear Thayne is helping you out by giving you a few shifts at the bar. You should feel relieved.”
“I do.”
“I’d be grateful if I were you. There are a lot of mothers that are worse off.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought you were supposed to give clinical advice, not personal.” Stacey’s eyes dart to Odessa, who stands with her arms over her chest. “I guess I could always ask your superior, couldn’t I?”
“There’s no need for that. Do you have any other questions, Emberli?”
So, so many.
How do I be a mom?
How do I wake up when they cry at night?
How do I bathe them?
How do I know what they want?
How do I do all of that, alone?
“Emberli, are you sure you’re okay?”
My throat tightens as I speak. “Yeah, I’m okay. No questions.” I’m worried that Stacey will perceive them as stupid and deem me an unfit mom. And worst of all, I’m scared that she might be right.
“Did you want to know the gender, Emberli?” Stacey asks.
“What? Oh. Yeah, sure.”
“Wait! We could throw you a baby shower.” Odessa smiles excitedly. “We could do the gender reveal then. Everyone will be so excited to know what you’re having, Em.”
I nod, gulping down the persistent lump in my throat that keeps appearing.
I feel like I want to be sick, and it’s not the morning sickness I’m so used to .
“Okay. Yeah, let’s do that.”
***
“I’m sorry about Stacey. She’s just nosy like the rest of the town.” Odessa tells me as she takes her eyes off of the road.
“It’s fine. I’m used to others’ opinions.”
“It doesn’t mean that they’re acceptable. How you feel is how you feel and nobody should tell you otherwise. You know what I’m fucking tired of?”
“Mack?”
She bursts out laughing at this. “Close. But no.”
It was no secret that Odessa and Mack seemed to annoy each other to higher extents than Thayne and me. I’d discovered their rivalry was in fact filled with chemistry neither of them wanted to admit.
“I’m tired of people thinking that they have a say in our lives and what we do and what we should feel.” She looks at me. “Aren’t you?”
I nod because I know exactly how she feels.
I felt Odessa understood me as much as I understood her, which is why we instantly clicked when I first came into town. She made me feel not so different, and even when I claimed to her that I was, she said being different was a good thing. Odessa was one of those who obviously had her own troubles, yet thrived off helping others, whether that was just to distract her from her own thoughts, or to change mine on my outlook of myself.
“I am.” I sigh.
“We really shouldn’t care as much as we do.” She chuckles.
“Thank you. And thank you for coming along today.”
“I’m here for you, Em. I hope you know that. If you need anything or need me to come with you to more appointments, I’ll come.” She says softly.
“I really appreciate it. I don’t know how I could ever repay the help I’ve received.”
“I know exactly how you feel. But the townsfolk? They don’t help you in order to get something back. They help you because each and every member of this town has been through something that they didn’t think they could get through. They all help others for nothing in return”.
“Then why do I feel so guilty?” I chuckle.
“Because you’re a good person who doesn’t think that they deserve it.” Odessa couldn’t have been more inside my brain. She looks over at me again.
“You do deserve this, Emberli. And if you decide to stay or you decide to leave, I hope you do know that you’re worth so much more than what happened to you.”
“I just feel… empty and ungrateful. I’ve got this life when there are women out there who can’t have that.”
“Stop comparing yourself to others,” she tells me. “This is your life. You don’t have to feel guilty for feeling how you feel about it.” I try to listen to what she says, but it’s hard when I’ve convinced myself I’m the most disappointing daughter, sister and soon to be mom on earth.
I’d always managed to bring myself down, counting achievements as pure luck, and something that could possibly disappear whenever. I think that’s why I had such a huge fear of time. I wanted to be someone. Not just someone’s daughter or mom, I wanted to be me. And I didn’t know who that was anymore. “You’re worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for.”
A familiar beat plays on the radio, one that I can’t quite put my finger on until the guitar comes in and the vocals of a woman. She’s singing my song.
How is she singing my song? The song that’s tucked away in my notebook - Oh my God.
“Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“This is my song.” My voice cracks and my throat tightens until I have to open my mouth for air. “This is my song.”
** *
“It’s not here. Why is it not here?” I throw my notebook to the side as I rummage through my overnight bag.
It has to be here. It’s two A4 pieces of paper and it’s not here.
“Why is it not here?” My hands dig through my bag.
I can’t believe that asshole stole my music.
I can’t believe him.
“If it was on Starville County radio, then he’s still somewhere in the county.” Odessa speaks.
“And do you know just how big this county is? He could be anywhere.” Thayne replies and I feel his gaze lingering on me.
“Then we call all the radio stations in the county and ask if they have a number we can contact. Mack can track the number from there and get a rough location.”
I remember spending hours writing the lyrics I heard on the radio today, for him, for our band. I remember it because I knew how hard he’d been on me to come up with something. I’d been under so much pressure that when I finally produced something that wasn’t three lines, I felt relief, a huge weight lift off my shoulders.
I don’t think I’d ever seen Elijah as happy as I made him that day, which was something that I held onto even as he was pushing me away from him.
I held onto the small, happy moments in the hope that they’d bundle together to defeat the recurring moments that weren’t so great.
A phone rings but I continue my search, digging through the smaller compartments as my heart continues to ache.
It was precious and it was mine and Elijah took that from me.
“It’s Mack. I’ve got to take this.”
I glance up at Thayne, who looks deep in thought as he stares at me. “Can you help, please? ”
“Emberli...”
“It has to be here.”
“Emberli...”
“I know it’s here.”
“Emberli…”
“What, Thayne? What!?” I snap, my chest heaving as I dig further through my bag until two rough hands lock around my wrists, restricting them.
“What are you doing?”
“You need to breathe.” Thayne grumbles. His hard yet concerned stare slices through me.
“What I need is to find these lyrics.”
“They’re not here. You know that.”
He’s right. I do know that they’re not here, Elijah has them.
I sink back against the wall when Thayne lets go of my hands, and I cover my face with them.
This cannot be happening.
I push my ego aside and let myself go for a second, not caring that this is, in fact, the second time I’ve cried in front of Thayne.
Only this time, I don’t try to hide it, and say goodbye to any remaining dignity I have left, sobbing into the palm of my hands.
“Hey, hey, hey.” I feel the warmth of Thayne’s hands again as they place themselves on my knees.
“There’s something wrong with me.” I tell him.
“Emberli, look at me.”
“Not right now.” I mumble. “Let me cry for five minutes and then I will.”
I hear him chuckle. “Emberli, please look at me.”
I sigh, removing my hands from my face just as Thayne reaches for my eyes, wiping them gently with his thumbs. “There is nothing wrong with you.”
“There is. I know there is. I’m not… normal.”
“Who is?”
“Normal people. Like you. ”
He laughs at this. “Emberli. I’m not normal either… and that’s okay.”
It’s silent for a few seconds before he speaks again. “You know, you’re a pretty crier.”
I snort. “You’re just saying that to cheer me up.”
I hadn’t seen much of this side of Thayne, it was unfamiliar to me. He was crouched in front of me, wiping away at my tears when usually he couldn’t stand to be within three meters of me, and I, him. The prominent scent of his cologne told me both of us were way too close for comfort. But it was… nice. Different.
“No. I just don’t like seeing you upset.”
Knowing where I stand with Thayne was the only thing I thought I knew for certain, but now I wasn’t so sure. It was as if we’d somehow crossed the line both of us were so clear on establishing.
“Don’t waste your tears on someone like him.”
“He always wins, Thayne.” I bite the inside of my lip as I try to pull myself together. “I mean he’s living his life like everything is fine. He gets to have that.” I sob.
To say I was having a bad day today was the understatement of the year. “It’s unfair.”
I’m a blubbering mess at this point, wiping away at the mascara I’d applied earlier this morning in an attempt to make myself feel better.
It didn’t work, I still felt like crap.
“I’m not saying I’m not excited for this baby because I am. I’m just scared. There’s so much I haven’t done, so much of my life I put on hold for Elijah and - and now I’ve got nothing to show for it whilst he gets off scot-free like his child isn’t about to be raised single-handedly. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. Do I even care about the music? I don’t even know if I want to do that as a career. I love it but… Oh God.”
“Emberli, listen to me. You don’t have to figure anything out right now. You’re not going to be raising this baby alone.” Easy for Thayne to say. He and his family had no obligation to help me with my unborn child, and it terrified me knowing that they could just decide one day that they didn’t want anything to do with them, with us.
If it wasn’t clear enough, my issues with trust had overpowered my ability to think straight. For that, I thank Elijah.
“If you do decide to stay here, I’ll help you.”
“Help me?” I snort. “Thayne you don’t even like me.”
Thayne’s narrowed stare held my own, it was something he’d been doing more frequently as of late. Usually, our stare count was two seconds max. But lately, Thayne has been doubling that.
We were at four seconds of intense staring before he turned, sinking against the wall next to me with his arms resting on his knees as he mirrored my position.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Sitting with you. I thought that was obvious.”
“But why?”
“Well, I don’t know if you’re aware, but there is this woman who is sitting in my cabin having a breakdown.”
I shove at his shoulder, which I realize at that moment is severely muscled and hard.
God fucking damn.
“Do I have to remind you of the repulsive looks you used to give me before this moment whenever I spoke?”
“Yeah well, maybe you’re not too bad.” He grunts. “Hold on. Is the Thayne Rawlins admitting he was wrong about me?”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, trouble.” His shoulder bumps with my own and I laugh, instantly feeling better than I did a few minutes ago. “I just don’t like hearing you so defeated. I’m used to seeing the tough girl act.”
“She’s in here somewhere.” I sigh. “I’m just being dramatic right now.”
“Can you give me a warning before she returns? Don’t tell her, but she kind of scares me.” He whispers and the corners of my mouth betray me as they rise once again into a smile.
“Why are you doing this? Be honest. ”
He sighs and silence consumes us for a few seconds before he speaks. “I meant what I said. Don’t waste your tears on someone like him.”
“I worked so hard on that song, Thayne.” Of course my voice decides to crack at this point and I suddenly feel like I’m oversharing. “I’m sorry.”
“Can you do me a favour?”
“What is it?”
“Don’t ever apologize for crying.”
My lips are parted and I’m about to speak when Odessa walks back in.
“Okay…” She stops in her tracks like there’s a layer of glass in front of her, and she spins on her heels before leaving, entering a few seconds later.
“What was that?” Thayne asks.
“Sorry. I thought I stumbled into an alternate reality where you two actually got along.”