15. Now Priest
NOW: PRIEST
That first morning, Gerard’s soldiers instructed each wagon to empty their waste from the night into a long latrine dug at the edge of the camp.
I stood in line to do so, our bucket’s rope handle in my hand.
My eyes roamed over my fellow penitents, observing both Sheridan and Carver folk.
There was an air of unease, of nervousness.
We all saw that there was a Perpatanian soldier for every two penitents. It seemed to be more than necessary.
We may have been offered the sanctuary of Skow at the end of this pilgrimage, but there was no turning back or stepping out of line now. With every hour, every pass of a small unit of marching soldiers by each wagon, it became more and more apparent. Our grace came at the cost of our freedom.
I stepped up to the ditch with a handful of others when it was my turn, our distance a polite effort not to splash filth on the shins and feet of the person nearby.
When I had completed my chore, I began my walk back to our wagon, wending my way among tents and other wagons, small campfires steaming from hastily cooked breakfasts.
“Robbie,” came a friendly voice.
I turned to see a man with silvered hair and a rakish smile. “Oh, good day, old friend,” I said, winking as he drew near.
My one-time lover caught up to where I stood, ease in his manner. “Some enterprise this, isn’t it? Definitely will be the longest drive I’ve ever done as a driver for Thane. I would not want to do it, but he is paying us double and I’ve a little one now.”
“You do?” I exclaimed. “That is wonderful, Herschel.”
He nodded. “She’s small. Sweet thing. Can’t believe she’s mine. Thought it was too late for me.”
“You are a handful of winters older than me. Plenty of men get children on wives at your age,” I chided.
“No wife,” he sighed. “The mother won’t have anything to do with me, but I can see my girl whenever I wish if I support them.
Hence me taking this business on with Thane.
She’s out Eccleston way to the north of the city.
Had no harm from Tintar. Too rural of a place.
Anyway—” He looked at me with some guilt in his expression.
“I’ve a favor to ask, and I hate to ask it. ”
“Please,” I said dismissively. “We are ‘old friends’ even if I joke when I say that. What is it?”
Herschel stepped even closer to me. “Everyone in Sheridan knows Thane has eyes for you. I need this work, Robbie. For my girl. I can’t have him unhappy with me because of—because we used to swive.”
I squinted. “You want me to act as if I do not really know you?”
“I feel dirty asking. I am sorry.”
I pursed my lips. “That's reasonable.”
He glanced up at me. “You do not mind? I would rather be safe.”
I shrugged. “Whatever gives your mind peace. I don’t think his eyes are as much trained on me as you would think, but I will defer to your wishes.”
“I would never want you to think I am ashamed of having had you.”
“Your babe comes first. Well before my pride.”
“It was quite the opposite, just so you know,” he said, his old flirtatious manner creeping back into his voice.
“Quite the opposite of what?”
“Quite the opposite of shame,” he explained. “I mean several of Thane’s other long-distance drivers knew. And I threatened them with my fist if they were to expose me to him, but they knew and if I am honest, ‘old friend,’ I was damn proud of having been your lover for a season or two.”
I looked away, trying not to laugh and failing. “For gods’ sake.”
“It’s true!” Herschel replied. “I had to deal with lots of jealousy.”
“Oh go on.”
“It was worth it though,” he added.
I slapped him on the arm. “Get away with you, man. Before you commit the very error you warn me from.”
Herschel leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “But should you need a man, and you might, call on me. I know you travel with all women.”
I nodded at him. As I watched him disappear amongst the throng of both soldiers and Thane’s men, I felt a presence just behind me. When I turned, I saw the Vyggian leaning up against one of the military wagons, fingertips looped into his jerkin’s neckline, his lone eye on me.
“What are you looking at?” I asked.
“A penitent,” he replied with a slow blink. “What are you looking at?”
“A stranger.”
He gave me that same shuttered smile he had given me in the town square when I asked why he cared, a thing without feeling or meaning.
“Watch yourself, salt man,” I went on. “I appreciate your intervention last night, but I don’t know you or your intentions. And I know how to use a knife.”
He blinked again. “I’ve no doubt, madam.”
I hated the way he unnerved me. I charged forward in the direction I had been going when Herschel stopped me, resisting the desire to look back.
“Robbie,” came a voice, and I looked up to see Thane fall in step beside me. “How was your first night? Is the wagon to your liking?”
“Yes, we are very grateful,” I said, feeling suddenly awkward. “I could not have afforded the wagon on my own and—”
“I know,” he said, placing a hand on my elbow. He guided me from colliding with a soldier rolling a large barrel, who didn’t so much as look at us. “Starling has always wanted to make your life difficult.”
“Bit of an understatement,” I said airily.
“Robbie,” Thane said, coming to a stop and pulling me to face him. He ran the hand on my elbow down to my wrist and brought our hands between us, caressing my left one with both of his.
It occurred to me then that he was the third man to interrupt my walk from the latrine to wagon four hundred and twenty-three, and also that he did not seem to mind my other hand held a bucket that had only recently contained a lot of piss.
Around us, penitents were packing up their breakfasts, soldiers were calling out orders, and horses were shifting and neighing as they were secured back under their yokes.
“Robbie,” he repeated. “I want to talk to you.”
I nodded, eyes on our hands. I could not look him in the eye. As a girl, I had been so in love with him, so lost in lust, I had once told him I could eat him alive. We had laughed about it and kissed for hours after I said those words.
“I won’t be able to see you as often as I like,” he continued, interrupting my thoughts.
“But during all this, on our way to Skow, I mean to protect you and Tessa and your household as much as I can. Please ask for anything should you need it.” He ran a thumb over the back of my hand.
Then, as if he had dared himself, he brought the back of my hand to his mouth and held it for a beat before releasing it altogether.
“Thane,” I breathed.
“It’s been twenty-one winters,” he said in a low voice.
“Can we put our old hatred to rest? I can’t stand being near you and not speaking.
Sitting at Tessa’s table weeks ago was, despite my news, like a gift.
To be that close to you again. I tried to approach you that night in The Pale Horse, but you ran away from me. ”
“I was not running from you,” I murmured weakly. I drew my breath in when I felt his fingertips tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, then lifted a shoulder as if to bat him away. “I need to bathe already,” I laughed. “My hair is full of sweat and dirt, believe you me.”
“That is the way your hair was when I first courted you.”
I met his eyes and almost gasped again. He looked at me so sincerely. He was always so poised, so restrained. He had been raised to hide his softheartedness, and I myself had not really seen it since I was nineteen and in love.
I did not know what to do with this newly tender Thane.
When I didn’t say anything, he said, “We will soon reach the portion of road that runs along the Oberlong. You may even be able to bathe daily for most of this. Send for me if you need me. I will try and come see you when I can. You have no idea how grateful I am that you signed the list, Robbie.”
I was frozen when he kissed me on the forehead and walked away.
“I did not take you for a harlot as well as a witch, Madam Finch.”
I laughed despite the fear that sprang to life in me. “Can a woman walk across a campground without more than one man interrupting her?” I asked and then turned to see Starling striding towards me, his hands clasped behind his back. His brooch with the Perpatanian crest twinkled in the morning sun.
“Always talking to your false gods,” he said. “Every time I see you, I swear you are talking aloud to them. It is a pity, then, they cannot hear you.”
“Isn’t burning my books enough?” I inquired as if I asked after his health.
“I defended you, you know,” he said, coming to stand in front of me.
There was a tent on either side of me, and I would have to push past him to keep walking. “Father,” I began, but he cut me off.
“I defended you when guards at the keep said you were keeping company with men not your husband, practically dancing on his grave.”
The fear in me dissipated and I felt my old friend, rage, take hold.
“I said,” Starling went on, “she is surely guilty of spell craft, surely guilty of worshipping false gods and killing babes while they are still in the womb, but can one woman really commit that many sins? Can she also couple outside a marriage bed? See, this is why I am always learning. Even I, a studied and ordained scholar of the scriptures. Even I forget the magnitude of women and what they can do.”
I looked beyond him and pretended at nonchalance.
“Do you remember what I said to you the night that your teacher finally paid for her crimes? The night I tried, one last time, to save her soul?”
Over his shoulder, I could see the spread of the dust road disappearing into the distance. A bird arced in the sky over the horizon. I watched it float and wheel in a circle. I realized it was a vulture, that it looked for carrion.
“One day,” the priest was saying. “Do you remember? I told you ‘one day,’ and that I would make that one day the cause of my life.”
“Say what you want to say and be done with it,” I spat out.
“Oh I say what I have always said, my child. I’ll say what I said to your dearly departed parents nearly thirty winters ago. ‘We must keep an eye on Roberta,’ I said. Do you remember?”
I realized he was waiting for me to reply, and I gave a curt nod.
“I also told them how unrest is a common sin in girls. It seems you never dealt with your unrest, did you? A shame your soul should burn. And you may think me your enemy that I delight at that knowledge, but it truly pains me.”
I blinked away the memories his words conjured and swallowed the rise at the back of my throat when he continued in his reminiscing, saying the words that had haunted me then and still did now.
“A rebellious girl. Full of questions.”