Chapter 2
TWO
STELLA
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay with me?”
My best friend Bailee’s voice echoed around my mother’s tiny bathroom. I set my phone on the sink while I put on makeup, cursing at the shadows I could still spot along the bridge of my nose and under my eye.
“I appreciate it, but I can’t put you out like that. You have enough kid chaos without me getting in everyone’s way.”
Bailee had two kids under the age of four in a space not much larger than my mother’s. She had a spare bedroom, but the people-to-bathroom ratio was high. I loved her family, but it would be too much for me and her if I camped out there until I figured out my next move.
I couldn’t settle in my mother’s assisted living apartment either. I had a neck cramp from the lumpy mattress of her pullout couch and didn’t have a lot of time before someone in the administration noticed my very extended visit and asked me to leave.
“Are you that into the senior life?” Bailee joked, her huff echoing over the tiles. “I guess you don’t want to miss bingo.”
“Hey, bingo isn’t for the weak around here. You should see some of these ladies. The last game, I thought a couple of them were going to throw down their walkers and fight.”
“Okay, that’s it. I’m coming to get you.”
“No, Bailee. I’m fine,” I told her, holding up a hand as if she could see me. “And I have plans this afternoon. Outside of the senior center.”
“Ah, love to hear it. Where are you headed?”
“A baseball game. I don’t have tickets, but I’m hoping since it’s a midweek day game, I’ll be able to get something cheap from the box office.”
“Let me guess. The Brooklyn Bats are playing today. I’m guessing you’re not traveling all the way to Queens or the Bronx for the other teams since you don’t know anyone on staff.”
I glared at my phone.
“Yes. I thought I’d surprise Lee. He doesn’t even know I’m back in Brooklyn, and to your point, I’m going a little stir-crazy around here. The bruises have faded enough that I can go out, I think.”
I frowned at my reflection, that tiny patch of purple under my right eye still evident, no matter what shade of concealer I used to try to hide it.
“The bruises are gone—you’re the only one who can still see them. I told you that. But are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Going to see Lee? He’s my oldest friend, other than you. Shouldn’t I be getting out like you said? Not staying in my mother’s apartment and wallowing, as you put it.”
“I’m all for you getting out, just…” Bailee trailed off.
“Just what?” I sat on the edge of the bathtub, careful not to bang my elbow on the metal safety railing.
“Just…maybe, in the headspace you’re in, it’s not the best idea to go see the guy you used to be in love with.”
“That was a long time ago.”
I’d known Lee since I was sixteen. We’d met at a grief counseling support group for teens who had lost their parents, six months after we’d lost our father. My mother had heard about it in her own spouse support group and had pushed my brother Gary and me to go.
We’d resisted, barely able to speak about Dad to each other, let alone with strangers. Mom had told us about the new friends she’d made, ones who understood the hell she’d been thrown into and could relate beyond empty platitudes of condolence.
For her, we’d agreed to go once. Lee had been the only one in the group close to our age—seventeen like Gary had been at the time—and despite my reluctance to be there, I’d noticed him right away.
The three of us had been grouped together for an activity, and we’d hit it off, laughing for the first time in what had felt like forever.
After a couple of sessions, we’d cut the group to hang out at Lee’s house instead.
He’d been over six feet tall even then. I’d been sucked in by his bottomless blue eyes, sweet smile, and dopey jokes that would always crack us up.
The three of us had been inseparable that entire year, and we’d all maintained a bond that I hadn’t had with other friends who’d faded in and out of my life.
My bond with Lee went beyond simply friends, but it had been one-sided, or unrequited, as the romance books said. Lee had been my joy and heartbreak, my heaven and hell, and the rest of all those wonderful and terrible things that first love did to you.
But first love wasn’t supposed to last, especially when it wasn’t returned. Lee loved me like he loved my brother, and it had taken me a long time to accept that it would never be more than that.
Even if the butterflies circling my stomach made me a little queasy in anticipation of seeing Lee after so long.
“Listen,” Bailee finally said after a lengthy silence. “Go. Have a good time. And see if Lee can get me Nate Becker’s autograph. Or Silas Jones’s.”
“I’ll see what I can do. And trust me, I’m fine.”
“I know you are, babe. Just…be careful.”
Bailee’s pause didn’t help my already-frayed nerves. After we hung up, I eyeballed myself one last time in the mirror. I wore jeans, sneakers, and a snug long-sleeved T-shirt. My makeup was enough to cover what it needed to, but subtle, perfect for an afternoon baseball game.
Since I’d come back to Brooklyn and landed on my mother’s doorstep with nowhere else to go, I’d been in a weird limbo. I’d always worked freelance as a management consultant, contracting with companies for a few weeks or a few months, depending on what they needed.
Despite not having a traditional permanent position, I’d never truly had what I’d call downtime. I’d forced some on myself now, clearing my calendar for the foreseeable future to shake off the way my life had upended when I hadn’t been paying attention.
Coming back to New York was my way of starting over. I hoped that being back with family and old friends would be just what I needed to figure it all out.
And that was what Lee was. An old friend. Whatever else I’d fantasized him to be had only existed in my imagination.
“Oh, you look nice,” Mom said when I breezed past her to pick up my purse.
“Well, I’m out of sweats.” I flicked my gaze down my body. “I guess that’s an improvement.”
“Tell Lee I said hi. How old is his daughter now?”
“Seven,” I answered, lifting the strap of my crossbody bag over my head. “She’s a cutie. From the last photo of her he sent me, she looks a little more like Lee now. She used to be all Katie.”
Mom let out a sigh, shaking her head while her gaze drifted across the room.
“Such a sin. My heart will always break for them.”
“Mine too,” I whispered.
Bennie had been only two when her mother had passed out at the wheel and crashed.
Gary and I had rushed back to New York when it happened.
We’d sat in silence with Lee at his apartment after the funeral while his daughter played on the carpet, not realizing her mother wasn’t coming home.
Lee had reminded me so much of the boy I’d met that first day in group, only more broken than lost, and he hadn’t been the same since.
“Well, have a good time. You’re going to miss trivia night at the center,” Mom said, her red lips twisting into a smirk.
I laughed, relieved at the change in subject.
“I’m not sure I’m built for trivia night. Bingo was treacherous enough.”
She chuckled, her green eyes shining. Mom was still stunning in her late seventies, with only a few sparkles of gray in her black hair. She’d never dated after we’d lost our father, always saying she’d already had a perfect thing, so why settle for anything else?
I’d settled, even if I hadn’t realized it at the beginning. The betrayal still stung, but I didn’t miss a great love because I’d never had one.
What was worse—never finding the one or forever grieving the loss of them? The question rolled around in my head for the entire subway ride.
Alone didn’t seem so bad in comparison…or all that different, despite my having been in a relationship for the past two years.
It took me a good twenty minutes to find the box office at Wayne Field. The new stadium was huge enough to be intimidating, but I finally located ticket sales and scored a cheap first-level seat.
The inside was just as overwhelming. With so many shops and restaurants, it made some of the old malls I used to hang out at as a kid pale in comparison.
With Lee.
My brother had been there too, but he wasn’t my focus when I’d look back or the one who had colored all those core memories during the first years after we’d lost Dad.
I weaved a hand through my hair and let out a groan. Romanticizing my time with Lee through the lens of my battered ego wasn’t healthy. Maybe Bailee was right and I wasn’t as ready to see Lee as I’d thought I was.
But I’d bought my ticket, and I was here. I couldn’t see the Brooklyn Bats without at least trying to see Lee, even if the urge to sneak out after the game was over nudged at me.
I made my way to field level, where I expected the offices to be, trying to find someone who appeared as if they worked here.
I spotted a concierge desk and headed over, now unsure of what I’d say.
They probably had requests to see players all the time, but I wasn’t sure if asking for the team chiropractor would make me seem more or less crazy.
“Hi,” I said, cringing when I caught my voice squeak. “I’m an old friend of Lee Orrico’s. Would it be possible to say hi?”
A woman with blond hair slicked back into a tight bun assessed me through her black-rimmed glasses as she swiveled her chair toward me.
“We don’t let fans see any of the players or staff without clearance. I’m guessing he’s not expecting you.” Her pursed lips and narrowed eyes reminded me of my elementary school math teacher, even though she appeared to be around the same age as me.
“He’s not. Sorry, I’ll just text him that I’m here, and hopefully he sees. Thanks anyway.”
“Hey, you’re a friend of Lee’s?” a deep voice asked behind me. I turned to find Nate Becker standing by the desk, also scrutinizing me, but with less condescension than the concierge lady.