Chapter 34 Lee
THIRTY-FOUR
LEE
“Diane and I made so many cookies,” Bennie mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate chip cookie. “We have lemon ones too, and she even knows how to make caramel icing. She said I could help with more when I come back to their house.”
Stella smiled at me as Bennie went on, thankfully unaware and spared from the scariest twenty minutes of my life.
Diane and Jimmy had picked her up from school and had stayed with her all afternoon and evening while I’d taken Stella to the ER and sat with her as she’d given her statement to the police.
I’d been concerned when the alarm company had called me, but when Jimmy had raced to my car to tell me he thought Stella was in trouble inside, I’d barely shut off the engine before I’d jumped out and crawled in the basement window.
It was a battle to creep up the steps softly enough not to be seen but fast enough to get to her before she was hurt.
My heart had plummeted into my stomach when I found that asshole leaning over her with his hands around her neck.
If Jimmy hadn’t pulled me back, I’d be in jail right now because Zach would be dead.
He hadn’t done any damage to her throat or arteries from what the ER tests had shown since we’d gotten there in time, but all I could think about was what would have happened if I’d shown up ten minutes later.
What I would have lost. Again.
As soon as Bennie was in bed, we needed to talk. I still didn’t know what exactly had upset Stella so much, but I was pretty fucking certain I couldn’t lose her. I loved her and she belonged here, and I would convince her if it took the rest of my damn life.
“Could we bake too, Stella?”
“We could, but I only know how to make cookies out of a tube.”
“Diane and I could teach you.”
“When I feel better, I will totally let you guys teach me.” Stella pulled Bennie onto her lap. “We can think about all the fun stuff we can do this summer too.”
“I have so many ideas,” Bennie said as she hopped off Stella’s lap. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
I cringed when Bennie threw her arms around Stella’s neck.
“It’s okay,” she mouthed to me and hugged Bennie back.
“Are you feeling better?”
Bennie squinted at Stella, twirling a lock of Stella’s hair between her fingers. I’d never have thought two and a half months was enough time to completely fall for someone, but Bennie and I had proven it to be true.
“I can honestly say I’m feeling much better.” Stella’s smile was easy as she tugged on Bennie’s ponytail. She looked tired and a little weak, but she looked like my Stella. I could make the rest of it better.
“It’s really late, baby girl,” I said, holding out my hand. “I think you need to head to bed.”
“Why do I even have to go to school tomorrow? We already gave all our books back, and we’re just watching movies.” She crossed her arms and jutted out her bottom lip. “And I think I should stay home and help you take care of Stella.”
I glanced at Stella over Bennie’s shoulder, holding back a laugh.
“You know what? Fine. We could use the morning off.”
My daughter’s jaw dropped in shock.
“Wait, I can stay home? You actually said yes?”
“Yes, it’s a special case. Just for tomorrow.”
“This is so great!”
I groaned when her eyes danced. I wanted a morning of recovery time, but I knew my daughter would run with this as a new precedent. But to her point, she only had a couple of days left, and we could circle back to her next excuse to stay home in September.
“Well, I am going to put on my pj’s and get cozy on the couch,” Stella said, rising from the kitchen chair.
“Me too,” Bennie said. “I’ll pick some more homemade movies.”
“Ben, how about just regular movies? Save the home ones for another time.”
“Oh, okay,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”
“Thanks,” Stella said. “I think I need something nice and mindless that I’ve seen enough times to not pay attention.”
A weak smile tugged at Stella’s lips as she walked past me and headed up the stairs.
We’d both had a rough couple of days, but I still didn’t know the whole story of what had set her off last night and chased her out of here this morning.
I’d planned to wait until Bennie went to bed, but now that could be hours between her excitement and all the sugar she’d eaten.
I followed Stella upstairs but peeked into Bennie’s room first. She was wrist-deep in an old bin of DVDs when she turned toward me.
“I have to help Stella for a little while, but keep looking for movies for us, okay?”
“Okay, Daddy,” Bennie said and went back to digging.
I gave Stella’s bedroom door a light tap before I stepped in. Stella sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing the back of her neck as she stared at the ceiling.
“Still feels okay?” I asked, sitting at the corner of the bed. I didn’t want to ask what was wrong again. She’d hung on to me at the hospital and while we were talking to the police, but we still hadn’t addressed what had bothered her enough for it to sound like she’d been about to leave me.
“Yeah. It’s not from…today. I think it’s tension.”
“A good chiropractor can help with that,” I joked, sliding closer to her.
“Yes, that’s right.” Her gaze locked with mine. “Just don’t crack it. You know that freaks me out.”
I chuckled and crawled behind her, feeling around her neck and back.
“Relax,” I said, gently pushing her neck forward to stretch out the tightness I could feel. “You had a rough couple of days.”
“You mean I put myself through a rough couple of days.” She glanced back at me. “When did you realize you were in love with me?”
My hands stilled, pausing in kneading her shoulders.
“When? I’m not really sure. I was confused for a while at first.” I pressed my thumbs deeper into her skin, the muscles still tensing up as I tried to stretch them out.
“Why were you confused?”
I let out a long exhale.
“One of my best friends came to surprise me at work, and I couldn’t stop staring at her because she was so damn beautiful. You always were, but something about you hit me hard that day. And every day after that.”
“Sounds rough,” she said with a groan, her shoulders relaxing under my fingertips.
“It was hell,” I half teased because battling with my feelings for Stella had been a special kind of torture.
“I’d call or text you every second I had the chance and run home so I’d get even a few extra minutes with you.
I’d never thought I’d need anyone like that again, but you got right under my skin.
” I rested my chin on her shoulder. “I wanted more of you, and I never had enough. Then I almost punched Deacon for asking if you were single and flew over a wall when I thought you’d been hurt.
I figured around then that I was stupid in love with you and needed to do something about it. ”
She laughed to herself, dropping her gaze to the carpet.
“How about you?” I asked her. “When did you know?”
She tensed up against me as I held her from behind.
“When you laughed.”
“When I laughed? I’ve laughed a lot at you and my daughter around the house,” I said with a chuckle.
“At grief group. I told a stupid joke the second night, and you laughed. It was the best sound I’d ever heard.
I could even feel it,” she said, gliding a hand across her stomach.
“I’d never had butterflies over a boy and thought it was just a silly expression.
But that day, I found out they were real. I had flutters and everything.”
“Grief group? That was…”
She nodded, her wary eyes holding mine.
“Stella…” I started, my mind scrambling to take in what she’d just said. “You’ve been in love with me—”
“For my entire life. Well, for as long as I’ve known you, which I think is more like half of it.”
“Why…why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugged. “The timing was always off. And we had our little crew of three. Misfits that no one else understood. I never wanted to ruin that.”
I nodded. Those were the exact excuses I’d repeated in my head for why I couldn’t give in, aside from being scared shitless of loving anyone again.
“But I almost told you one day. It was the day I first met Katie.” She sent me a sad smile. “So that window was closed before I could even get it open.”
All the years we’d known each other flashed through my mind. Possible clues I might have missed or ignored. How much had I hurt her all this time and had no idea?
“I liked Katie. And I was happy you were happy. But…it was a lot to take sometimes. You meant too much to me to cut you off. So, I endured—to a point. I was at your wedding but didn’t see everything. I ducked out at the toasts and some of the big moments like a coward.”
She shrugged, shifting toward me on the bed and crossing her legs under her.
“You did nothing wrong. I know how your mind works. You had no idea because I didn’t tell you, and no one else did either.”
Gary’s threats when he found out about his sister and me made a lot more sense, and I finally got the meaning behind her mother’s plea to be careful with her.
“Brooklyn became painful. I was still missing my dad, Gary enlisted right after school, and you had this beautiful life of love with someone else. So, I took a job that paid really well and kept me busy enough not to think of anything or anyone else.”
I’d worried about Stella all the time. Even when she’d been busy, I’d made her check in a couple of times a week with a quick text because I’d hated the thought of her alone on the road or by herself in some random city I’d never heard of.
The thought of her living that life because of me made me physically sick.
“That’s why you moved so much? Because I made it hurt too much to stay here?”
Stella examined my face and took both my hands.
“Again, these were all my decisions. My choice not to tell you, my choice to live on the road instead of making a home for myself. I kept all things superficial, although I did try with Zach for a while. But by not paying close attention, I missed some very important details about him. That’s all on me. ”
She smiled, scratching at the stubble on my chin.
“I came back to figure out a way to move on. Keep you in my life without making you my life and actually live somewhere, rather than just stay for a while. You see how that worked out.” The corner of her mouth hitched up.
“But my wedding video upset you?”
“It did. Yes, I was there. But I didn’t hear you tell Katie she was the one and only love of your life.
I’d thought I had all I’d ever wanted, and in that moment, it all felt fake.
That tomorrow, I’d still have to pretend I was only your friend and someone else would be sleeping next to you because you were never really mine. ”
I’d love Katie until the day I died, but I loved Stella too. Maybe even more now that I realized how much she’d sacrificed to stay in my life. Our history only made everything I felt for her now deeper and stronger.
It would take time to make her see all of that, but I wasn’t going anywhere, and I’d make sure neither was she.
“Nothing about what I feel for you is fake. I love you so much it actually hurts sometimes.” I cupped her neck. “Like when I thought you were pulling away, like when I thought you were hurt.” I cleared my throat when my voice cracked.
“Two ER visits in two months. I keep giving you jump scares,” Stella said, relief washing over her gorgeous face.
“At the time, I’d thought I would only have one love of my life.
But I am lucky enough to have two.” A tear coasted over my thumb when I wiped her cheek.
“I mean you, if that’s not clear. I’m so sorry for hurting you for all those years, but please believe me now.
I love you, and every part of me is yours. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said, her voice cracking.
“Then can I please fucking kiss you now?”
She nodded, and I didn’t waste any time covering her mouth with mine.
It started slow, all the relief pouring out of me over almost losing her twice today, and after a long minute, it grew hot and desperate.
I needed to prove that she was back and she was mine, and I needed to do that as deep inside her as I could go.
“Okay, I found three,” my daughter said, her voice wafting in from the hallway just when I had Stella on her back. “I’ll put in the first one and meet you downstairs.”
“I’m so glad we kept all those old DVDs for my daughter to find.”
“It’s okay,” Stella whispered, kissing the top of my head after I dropped it against her chest. “I’m not going anywhere.”