Chapter 1
one
nisha
The Clam Jam
Piper Menon
We’re on month one of Patton Pierce’s San Francisco invasion, and I have heard nary a peep from our friend, Nisha Arora. Either she’s secretly gargling his balls or she’s still denying he didn’t just move into town to win her back.
Sarina Arora
Technically, he’s been in and out of town for the past few months, but he just met with Troy last week.
Anyway, we both know my sister is the master of denial and secrecy. I still remember when my parents found her vibrator in high school, and she told them she thought it was a back massager.
Nisha Arora
Or MAYBE—and this is a radical thought—he’s just here to work with Troy like he said and there is no subterfuge happening.
Piper Menon
See how she’s trying to gaslight us while using big words? She’s a master, I tell you!
Nisha Arora
[GIF of Judge Judy massaging her temples]
Kavi Case
Wait, are you guys saying she’s secretly seeing her ex-husband? SPILL THE TEA, Nisha! What sort of back-alley dicking is happening under our noses!?
Piper Menon
The nefarious, hedonistic sort, consisting of midnight trysts and whispered, “Fuck me harder, Hollywood,” while we’re all sound asleep like baby chihuahuas under our mother’s teats.
Bella Meyer
You never cease to amaze me with how much strange imagery you can put into one sentence.
Rani Meyer
@Nisha Arora, are you seriously getting railed by your ex behind our backs? How dare you go against the sacred values of this girl tribe and withhold filthy details of each toe-curling orgasm!
Mala Meyer
The nerve!
Nisha Arora
What in the actual fuck are you guys going on about? I haven’t seen Patton since Troy’s retirement party six months ago. You were all there, and we didn’t say a word to each other.
Kavi Case
Yeah, but the tension was so hot and thick between you two, I thought the room would go up in flames.
Nisha Arora
The only thing thick in that room was everyone’s imagination. In any case, I certainly HAVEN’T been gargling any of his body parts, Piper!
Piper Menon
But you want to. Don’t even try to lie. Your stalking history of his IMDB page will testify against you.
Nisha Arora
I DO NOT stalk him! I looked him up ONE TIME, and that was only because he was co-starring with Henry Cavill, and I felt sorry for Henry in that scenario.
Sarina Arora
Bitch, please. You look him up so much, our browser at the salon autocompletes “Patton Pierce shirtless” anytime someone punches in “P”.
[Nisha Arora has left the chat]
[Piper Menon has added Nisha Arora to the chat]
Piper Menon
Okay fine, Neesh. We all know you don’t use the salon computer to look him up. You’re too prim and proper to diddle your fiddle at your place of work.
Nisha Arora
Jesus. It’s too early in the day to have a migraine. You guys need psychiatric help. And another hobby besides my vagina.
Piper Menon
Your vagina is this group’s collective hobby. And given that it’s the only one in this group to have grown back its hymen, we feel compelled to force it out of retirement.
Nisha Arora
My vagina is not in retirement! It’s just . . . on a break.
Kavi Case
Hasn’t it been seven years?
Piper Menon
Girl, that’s not a break; that’s a coma. At this point, it’s been dormant for so long, I bet we could carbon date it.
Rani Meyer
LOL! I literally choked on my coffee.
Nisha Arora
I truly hate every single one of you. And also, need I remind you of Micah? Things may not have worked out with him, but we did, you know, try.
Sarina Arora
That was so two years ago, and if by “try,” you mean you laid there thinking about the sweater you were going to knit for Rome while he jack hammered you like he was trying to dig his way to China, then sure, you get an A for effort, sis.
Nisha Arora
It wasn’t Micah’s fault. I’m just . . . hard to please.
Piper Menon
As I recall, Patton never had a problem pleasing you.
Nisha Arora
Yeah, well, he also never had a problem being MIA when I needed him most.
Bella Meyer
Has he tried to get in touch with you yet?
Nisha Arora
He texted me a couple of days ago with a “Hey”.
Sarina Arora
And you’re JUST telling us?! Especially me! Does sharing a womb, where you took up most of the goddamn room by the way, mean nothing to you anymore??
Nisha Arora
Calm your tits. I didn’t think it was a big deal.
Piper Menon
Wasn’t a big deal?? “Hey” is literally code for “I’d like to fuck you over the nearest flat surface.” When Dev messages me with a “Hey,” I know I’m about to be face down, ass up on the kitchen counter within the next hour.
Bella Meyer
TMI, but also, did you respond to Patton, Nisha?
Nisha Arora
No. Also, who gave him my new number?
Sarina Arora
Not me. You might betray me—keeping secrets and shit—but I would never!
Nisha Arora
Your flair for the dramatics today is second only to your seventh-grade stage performance where you pretended to faint and elbowed Sammy DeWalt in the eye. Kid walked around with a black eye all week.
Sarina Arora
It’s not my fault he forgot where he was supposed to be and ended up behind me during the most important performance of my life!
Piper Menon
I didn’t give him your number, either. I haven’t spoken to your ex since you guys separated.
Kavi Case
[Gif of Eddie Murphy overreacting to juicy gossip]
Mala Meyer
Damn, @Nisha Arora. So you left him on Read? I can’t decide if that’s ice cold or hot as fuck. Serious boss move.
Nisha Arora
Look. Yes, he’s in town shooting for his next big blockbuster, and of course I’m happy that he’s living his dream. But the way I see it, we moved on from each other seven years ago, so I no longer owe him an immediate response to his messages.
Rani Meyer
Okay, but, real talk. When was the last time you both had an actual conversation?
Nisha Arora
A little more than a year ago when I went to L.A. for the taekwondo tournament. He was in the audience, and we chit-chatted after my students competed.
Sarina Arora
WHAT? That’s it. I’m revoking your sister card.
Piper Menon
You “chit-chatted” with your ex-husband, whom you haven’t spoken to in years, a year ago, and we’re JUST finding out??
Nisha Arora
Again, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Just a casual conversation.
Kavi Case
But if it was such a “casual conversation,” why not mention it earlier?
Piper Menon
Yeah, like during the dozen girls’ nights we’ve had since?
Sarina Arora
Because my sister is a lying liar who lies! What else happened, Nisha? And don’t you dare say “nothing,” or I will literally bring a bouquet of helium-filled balloons to your house right this second!
Bella Meyer
Hehe, I always forget about her balloon phobia. It’s even more hilarious because Nisha’s a total badass in every sense of the word.
Sarina Arora
Nisha? Details. NOW!
Nisha Arora
Ugh! Okay, so we had dinner, too.
Piper Menon
WHAT!?
Mala Meyer
[GIF of woman slapping her hand over her mouth in shock]
Rani Meyer
This just keeps unraveling. Next she’s going to tell us there was naked time after said dinner.
Kavi Case
OMG! Was there naked time after dinner?
Nisha Arora
No! Of course not! We just . . . caught up. WITH clothes firmly in place! Geez!
Sarina Arora
I can’t believe you’ve been sitting on this for almost a year. What the hell, Neesh!
Piper Menon
You know what? I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I’m certainly not satisfied with the paltry details of this so called “chit-chat” with her hot-as-fuck ex-husband. I feel like our tight-lipped bestie isn’t giving us the entire story.
Perhaps we need some “truth serum” in the form of her favorite margarita to get her talking. I propose an impromptu ladies’ night at my place Saturday.
Kavi Case
Saturday works for me. What about you guys?
Bella Meyer
Works for me.
Mala Meyer
I wouldn’t miss it!
Rani Meyer
Same. I’ll be there.
Nisha Arora
I won’t. But you guys carry on.
Sarina Arora
Literally purchasing balloons as we speak. Oh, and telling Dad you’re keeping secrets. Bet he’ll have something to say about that . . .
Nisha Arora
You’re the actual devil, you know that? FINE! I’ll be there!
Piper Menon
Perfect! Saturday it is. Oh, and Nisha, hope you’re ready because I’m going to have an entire interrogation list prepared. By the end of the night, we’re going to know everything from what you ordered for dessert to how many times you thought about climbing him like a horny koala in heat.
Nisha Arora
Ugh. See you Saturday, you absolute monsters.