Chapter 10 Patton
ten
patton
Seven Schlongs Hen Party
Garrett Meyer
So, most of our wives came home well past the witching hour last night. What kind of intel are we dealing with? I’ll share if you share.
Darian Meyer
I don’t know much. Rani said there was a lot of alcohol and tissues involved.
Dean Meyer
Alcohol and tissues? Makes me think of the last time Mala was mad at me. Spoiler alert: I didn’t use the tissues to wipe my tears.
Hudson Case
Oh, for fuck’s sake. What did we say about oversharing, Dean?
Troy Winters
Jesus. Some of us are trying to eat breakfast, jackass.
Dean Meyer
What? It’s just us girls here. Besides, I could have gone into WAY more detail about what I did with the alcohol.
Darian Meyer
Yup. Definitely too early for this shit.
[Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Oh, come on! Lighten up, little bro. Or did that hit too close to home? Are you upset because you still have to use alcohol and tissues since Rani’s still considered a child-bride?
Darian Meyer
She’s NOT a child-bride, asshole.
Garrett Meyer
Can we get back to the topic of our wives before Dean traumatizes us all further?
Dev Menon
I’m speaking for everyone when I say, yes. Piper didn’t say much, but our liquor cabinet was a lot sparser this morning. She said there was “extensive discussion” about Patton.
Patton Pierce
Wait, what? Sorry, just landed in Boston. Trying to catch up on messages. What do you mean, there was a discussion about me?
Dean Meyer
Welcome to the Schlongs, Hollywood! The two things you need to know to get situated: 1.) We discuss everyone’s business here, especially Hudson’s, because he’s old as fuck. 2.) Conversations about anal will trigger Darian. He is very much a “missionary, let’s-make-love” kind of guy.
Darian Meyer
I’m not a—you know what? Never mind. I don’t know why I even bother.
Patton Pierce
I’ve been in this chat for all of 30 seconds, and I’m already regretting it.
Hudson Case
Aside from Dean, we all are. Why are you in Boston this morning? Visiting your old stomping grounds or for the foster gala?
Patton Pierce
Yeah. The FosterBridges Foundation Gala. How did you know about that?
Dean Meyer
Christ, Hudson. Do you get a push notification every time he takes a piss? I’m honestly a little concerned on your behalf, @Patton Pierce.
Dev Menon
That’s rich coming from the man who wears pajamas with Troy’s face on the crotch.
Dean Meyer
For the last time, IT’S NOT ON THE CROTCH! (Not for lack of trying, though. Mala was dead set against that design option for some reason).
Troy Winters
Thank God for Mala. I owe the woman a fruit basket.
Hudson Case
@Patton Pierce, saw an interview with you asking for donations to the program since you grew up in the foster system. I may have made a small contribution and gotten the same invite to the gala. Couldn’t attend, though.
Patton Pierce
Thanks for the donation, man. That means a lot.
Dean Meyer
Damn, Hollywood. My respect for you grows by the day. Cool of you to use your platform for something so meaningful.
Troy Winters
Does that mean your obsession with me is finally fading? I’d love to leave my house without worrying about you hiding in the bushes.
Dean Meyer:
Let’s not get hasty, my beautiful baseball god. I’ve gotten quite cozy in “your bushes”.
Troy Winters
Yup, definitely going to be checking in on that restraining order again.
Dean Meyer
Plus, Hudson’s already claimed the “Patton fangirl” title. Remember how he wept into his brunch?
Hudson Case
I didn’t weep! My eyes were just shiny because of allergies.
Dean Meyer
Sure. Or cataracts.
Hudson Case
Patton Pierce
So, back to the ladies talking about me last night. Any details about that?
Dev Menon
Piper said it was something to do with what went down between you and Nisha last year.
Garrett Meyer
Bella gave me a similar non-answer. So, what happened last year, @Patton Pierce? The girls know; don’t leave us in the dark!
Patton Pierce
It’s . . . complicated.
Dean Meyer
No shit, Sherlock. You’re stalking your ex-wife from the house you bought across the street from her. We’ve all determined it’s complicated.
Troy Winters
Come on, Pierce. We need details, not your Facebook relationship status.
Patton Pierce
As if you don’t know. I’m sure my wife’s twin has told you everything.
Troy Winters
Not everything. Sister code and all that shit.
Dev Menon
Piper said the same thing to me.
Dean Meyer
Am I the only one who noticed he called her “my wife”?
Hudson Case
Definitely noticed it.
Dean Meyer
Of course you did. I bet you’re all breathing heavy over there, you creepy bastard.
Hudson Case
Eat shit.
Garrett Meyer
Spill, @Patton Pierce. We told you about how Dean has a piece of gum Troy chewed six years ago enshrined in his house. You can tell us about you and Nisha.
Dean Meyer
Firstly, we HADN’T told him about that, you jackass! And secondly, it’s not enshrined. Do you take me for a lunatic? It’s . . . PRESERVED. Under a UV lamp.
Troy Winters
So fucking disturbing.
Darian Meyer
Can we please get back to the subject at hand before Dean tells us he has Troy’s toenail clippings, too? @Patton Pierce, what happened with Nisha last year?
Dean Meyer
Oh, hey, Darian! Didn’t know you were still here, little buddy! And for the record, I don’t have his toenail clippings. That would be going a step too far.
Though, @Troy Winters, let’s chat about your personal hygiene routine and the disposal methods later.
Troy Winters
Let’s not.
Patton Pierce
Fine. We had dinner last year. I’d set up a private picnic. We started talking about the past, and things got hot and heavy. Except, one second I thought we were rekindling feelings, and the next, she was pushing away, saying we couldn’t happen again.
Garrett Meyer
Damn. That sucks, man.
Dev Menon
And you still moved here to win her back? Do you even know how stubborn your ex-wife is? Once she decides something . . .
Patton Pierce
Trust me, I’m fucking aware. I’ve known the woman since we were teens. But for those few minutes, there was something there. She was letting me back in.
Troy Winters
Exactly why this combined bachelor/bachelorette party for me and Rina is going to be key. Nisha has no idea you’re coming.
Patton Pierce
Does she know I’ll be at your wedding in a couple of months?
Troy Winters
Not yet, but don’t worry about that. We’ll figure something out.
Patton Pierce
I don’t know what you’re planning, but she might castrate me for showing up unannounced again. She’s still pissed I moved into her neighborhood.
Dean Meyer
I could actually see Nisha going all Lorena Bobbitt. Not gonna lie, she kind of scares me.
Hudson Case
Let’s add her to this group chat. Maybe if she were here, you’d finally shut up.
Dean Meyer
I’m going to take a minute to be mildly offended.
Darian Meyer
Just a minute? You’re going to need at least a week to process that level of disrespect. Feel free to leave the chat. Take all the time you need.
Dean Meyer
Damn, look who just joined the ring. My little bro’s growing up and throwing punches. I’m so proud.
Troy Winters
Back to the subject at hand. Damn, the number of times this chat goes off-topic . . . @Patton Pierce, let me and Sarina handle Nisha. You just work on making that night count toward your long-term plan. Maybe wear a cup if you’re so worried about your balls.
Dean Meyer
Or don’t, if you’re into that kind of thing. We don’t judge here. In fact, this is a great segue to share my newest dick piercing. It’s called the Magic Cross . . .
[Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[Garrett Meyer has left the chat]
[Dev Menon has left the chat]
[Hudson Case has left the chat]
[Troy Winters has left the chat]
Patton Pierce
Fuck, how do I exit this shit? I swear to God, Dean, if you share any dick pics here, I will have Nisha hunt you down and finish you!
Dean Meyer
I knew you’d fit right in with us, Hollywood. Relax, I’ll save this dick pic for Christmas. Maybe Mala and I will send it as our holiday cards this year.