Chapter 24 Nisha
twenty-four
nisha
The Clam Jam
Rani Meyer
HOLD THE LINE! @Nisha Arora, what is this I’m hearing from Darian? You’re PREGNANT?!
Mala Meyer
Wait, what??
Rani Meyer
Dean hasn’t told you? The guys found out in their group chat.
Mala Meyer
Not yet. I think he was just called out to a house fire. Either that, or he got distracted taking dick pics to send me.
Rani Meyer
Ugh, gross. I swear, your husband needs an intervention. With garlic and a bat.
Kavi Case
The man’s permanent setting is “unhinged”. Also, Nisha! You’re pregnant?!
Rani Meyer
Seriously @Nisha Arora. You have fifteen seconds to get on this chat and come clean. Why were we not informed earlier?
Nisha Arora
Literally sharpening my knitting needles right now. I am going to MURDER Patton.
Sarina Arora
Troy texted me asking about it, BTW.
Piper Menon
Dev texted me the same thing. But seriously, since when did our men become bigger gossips than wine moms? I didn’t tell Dev because I didn’t want him to say anything to Patton until you were ready, Neesh.
Rani Meyer
So it’s true? You ARE pregnant? And you didn’t think to tell the rest of us?? What are we, chopped liver?
Bella Meyer
OMG, congrats, Nisha! But also, say bye to those pineapple margaritas!
Nisha Arora
Ugh, don’t remind me. And it’s not like that, Rani. I just found out, and I’m only five weeks along. Neither me nor Patton want to get excited too early, since you guys already know what happened the last two times.
Anyway, this isn’t how I meant for everyone to find out. I was going to tell you all properly once I was a little further along and not puking up my guts anymore.
Rani Meyer
Ugh, you played the “what happened last time” card, and now I can’t be mad anymore. Fine, I get it. But GAH, I can’t help being excited!
Mala Meyer
Oh my gosh! This is the best news I’ve heard all week! Not the puking part, but the pregnant part.
Kavi Case
Wait, did you say five weeks? As in, the weekend of the joint parties?
Piper Menon
As in, the night she came in looking like a dominatrix in all that black leather.
Rani Meyer
I mean, I don’t blame Patton AT ALL. I almost switched teams that night after seeing our girl in that dress.
Bella Meyer
I have to ask, and feel free to tell me I’m crossing the line, Neesh, but . . . didn’t you guys go through rounds of IVF to get pregnant last time? And this just happened naturally?
Mala Meyer
Exactly, that’s the surprising part. The “pregnant” part, not so much.
Nisha Arora
What do you mean, “the pregnant part, not so much”?! Did you guys see this in my master plan binder somewhere? Because I didn’t.
Kavi Case
Clearly, the whole section titled “How to Avoid Getting Knocked Up by Your Ex” in your master plan binder needed work.
Mala Meyer
But with the way you two have been hooking up, we all knew SOMETHING was bound to happen. I just figured you’d get back together for real first. Apparently, your uterus decided to bypass all that drama!
Nisha Arora
“For real first” as in, getting married again??
Mala Meyer
No, not necessarily. But I don’t think anyone in this beautiful bitch brigade has ruled that out as a possibility for you guys.
Nisha Arora
Marriage again? BAHAH! Yeah, no.
Sarina Arora
Didn’t you literally call yourself his girlfriend yesterday? But sure, marriage is a stretch. Keep lying to yourself, sis.
Nisha Arora
Marriage ISN’T a stretch when it happens the first time. But a second time with the same person?? That IS a stretch. My uterus might have gotten a jump start, but I’m not insane.
Sarina Arora
Is it insanity to believe that people can change? That they can grow and learn from their mistakes? I’ve said this before, he’s not the same man you left.
Piper Menon
Also, let’s not pretend you’re not still in love with him. Because your browser history of his name over the years would prove otherwise.
Bella Meyer
Wait, before we go further, @Nisha Arora, can I ask how he took the news when you told him?
Kavi Case
Yeah, did he seem happy?
Nisha Arora
He’s . . . really happy. Even though part of me wanted him to hold back a little. But he said things I wasn’t expecting.
Mala Meyer
Like what? Don’t leave us hanging, girl!
Nisha Arora
That he moved here for me. That he’s cutting back on work for us and for his own happiness. That fame meant nothing without me. That over the past seven years, he’s been working on becoming the man I deserve.
And that he plans to stay.
Rani Meyer
[Gif of a woman fainting] Lord. With his husky voice and those fuck-me eyes, bet he had your vagina wanting to jump on and make a twin.
Kavi Case
[Gif of woman trying to solve a hard math problem] Pretty sure that’s not how it works, babe, but I’m all for Nisha trying.
Bella Meyer
But also, he MOVED HERE FOR YOU?! He PLANS TO STAY?! Nisha, isn’t that exactly what you wanted?
Piper Menon
Can we all acknowledge how I predicted this? I told you he’d be dusting out your girl parts, and boom! Pregnant! Honestly, I need to hit some tables in Vegas.
Nisha Arora
Look, I’m not saying all that wasn’t great to hear. It’s exactly what I’ve wanted him to say. But SAYING and DOING are very different things.
We’re having a baby , but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten that he let me down before. Who’s to say he won’t again?
Sarina Arora
Okay, you’re scared. Totally valid. No one knows how you feel better than me, given how standoffish I was with Troy for so long. But being scared doesn’t mean you refuse to see that the man has ACTUALLY changed.
Rani Meyer
Exactly! He moved across the street for you. He’s scaling back on work. He surprises you with French toast from that restaurant you love. Those are all ACTIONS!
Piper Menon
Let’s not forget that he dicks you whenever and wherever you please!
Bella Meyer
It’s okay to be cautious, Neesh, but be cautiously optimistic. Because the longer you wait, the more you’re just denying your chance at something real.
Piper Menon
Translation: stop being a pussy about this pussy situation.
Nisha Arora
FINE! Maybe he’s actually changed, and maybe there’s hope of a second chance for us. But don’t start looking for bridesmaids dresses yet. I’m not promising marriage just because he knocked me up with his pussy-duster dick!
Piper Menon
BAHAH! Pussy-duster! I’m dead! That’s going straight into my vocab for describing a good dick.
Sarina Arora
Baby steps. Ooh, and a baby, too! Gah! I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt!
Nisha Arora
What did I say about getting too excited?
Piper Menon
Does that mean we can’t even throw you a baby shower later?
Nisha Arora
That’s exactly what that means. No celebrations until I have this baby in my arms.
Sarina Arora
Ugh, fine. We get it. But once that baby is here, we’re not holding back!
Since we’re on the topic, are you still good to keep Rome and Pearl this weekend? Troy and I are meeting the wedding planner in Cabo San Lucas to check out the wedding venue in person.
Nisha Arora
Of course! Patton is actually bringing Bob over, and we’ve got a whole day planned with them.
Sarina Arora
They are already pumped about spending time with their aunt Nisha, but when I tell them Uncle Patton and Bob will be there, too . . . they’re going to go nuts.
Kavi Case
OMG, is Bob still using your Darth Vader vibrator as his chew toy?
Nisha Arora
Worse. He broke it, so now it repeats, “I am your father,” every few minutes. Which is deeply disturbing on multiple levels, especially since we have a baby on the way.
Rani Meyer
I just snorted coffee through my nose.
Piper Menon
Or maybe this is a sign from the universe to call your baby Luke.
Nisha Arora
Yeah, that’s exactly how I want to explain my kid’s name origin. “Well, sweetie, you see, Mommy’s dildo chose your name for us.”
Mala Meyer
HAHAH! Since we’re on the subject of adorable kids and making babies, @Sarina Arora, when is the next baby Winters coming?
Sarina Arora
Let’s get through the wedding at the end of the month before you even think about asking me that question.
Mala Meyer
So, if I’m reading between the lines correctly, you’re saying Troy’s swimmers are on standby until the honeymoon?
Sarina Arora
No, if you’re reading between the lines correctly, I’m saying that I need to focus on the wedding before I let him knock me up.
Piper Menon
“Let him”? Girl, we’ve seen the way you look at him. You’re going to be begging for Troy’s baby gravy before the cake-cutting.
Nisha Arora
Here comes another bout of morning sickness . . .
Sarina Arora
Ew. Please refrain from calling my fiancé’s sperm “baby gravy”.
Kavi Case
Seconding that. Piper, I’ll Venmo you ten bucks if you promise to retire “baby gravy” from your vocabulary.
Piper Menon
No worries. We’ll stick to Troy’s penis pudding, then.
[Nisha Arora has left the chat]
[Piper Menon has added Nisha Arora to the chat]
Rani Meyer
OH MY GOD.
Kavi Case
[Gif of woman screaming, “My eyes! My eyes!”]
Piper Menon
Okay, fine! I promise to use only wholesome phrases like “mouthwash” and “love juice” from now on.
[Nisha Arora has left the chat]
Piper Menon
Sigh. I’m not bringing her back. She’d just leave again once I suggested “throat yogurt”.
[Sarina Arora has left the chat]
[Bella Meyer has left the chat]
[Kavi Case has left the chat]
[Mala Meyer has left the chat]
Piper Menon
Rani? You still riding this out with me?
Rani Meyer
Figured I’d see how many more you had.
Piper Menon
Oh, I could go on. Vanilla ice cream, banana juice, albino tadpoles, poor man’s custard, baby shower, grandma’s hair gel.
Rani Meyer
Okay, I’m tapping out.
Piper Menon
Penis colada, protein punch, cock snot.
[Rani Meyer has left the chat]